Anyone else’s OH a pain thief? Feeling pissed off!

[AsYouWishButtercup]

I had surgery yesterday, was in and out in a day and a fairly small op but I’ve been sent away with pain killers, laxatives(it was bum related) and instructions to rest for 2-4 weeks - especially avoiding lifting, bending, over exertion etc.

DH and I have 2 kids (5 & 8) and I said to him before the operation that he would have to di everything round the house for the next month - all the cooking, cleaning, homework, washing, housework. We both work full time so usually good at doing 50/50 (ish) so he’d just have to step up to doing it all for a bit so I can recover properly.

Had the surgery yesterday, came home, got a takeaway and he said he would do the dishes and sort washing in the morning 🙄

I’m not too bad pain wise thanks to some cracking pain killers but have been instructed to rest, which is what I’ve done. Except DH decided this morning that he has The Worst Toothache in the World and has spent the day clutching his jaw and moaning in pain, putting his little boy lost voice on asking me to call the dentist, doing fuck all else and annoyingly, every time I wince in pain (such as standing up) he immediately seems to put his head in his hands and complain about his tooth

He’s only just cleaned the dishes from last night (whilst moaning about his pain the whole time), I’ve had to help 8yo with homework, take in the Asda delivery and be badgered by the kids. He made the kids a plate of chips each because he’s in too much pain apparently to make a proper tea, the wash basket is already full and the house is a tip. He’s spent most of the day lying in bed moaning about his pain.

Now I’m trying to be sympathetic because toothache is a painful bastard but I just think ‘ ‘ of course you have this crippling tooth ache when I’m in recovery. Couldn’t be any other time of the year!’. I also think I’ve had many an illness, including toothache, where I’ve just had to power through and get on with things, where he has the ‘luxury’ of being able to focus on his pain and lie in bed whingeing all day.

Is anyone else’s OH like this? It’s sending me nuts, at the risk of sounding like a brat, I just want for once for it to be about me!

I have made it clear that Everything is still down to him for the next month, I refuse to do more than bringing shopping in and homework, otherwise before I know it come the weekend everything will be 50/50 (well let’s face it 70/30 to me) again

can I ask why any of you put up with this?

Yes! My partner is absolutely terrible for doing this. He's even tried to compete with me over the menopause...when I told him I was having bad hot flushes at night he said he was too! Fucking unbelievable.

My husband is the child of a nurse and therefore in the 20 or so years we’ve been together he has basically never had a sick day. Even when he had an operation he was up and about that day.

If you have just had hemorrhoid surgery get yourself back to bed. I was a nurse on gen surg for a while and there was so many complications. Massive risk of bleeding. Also you have a healing suture inside your working bowel, massive risk of infection. Wouldnt expect you to be laid up in bed all day but absolutely not putting away Asda orders. He can wander around miserable with toothache, you need to take it easy and focus on your many many baths a day. I have had a 3rd degree tear and an episiotomy and remember the constant baths, thankfully I was in the middle east second time so had a little hose on the toilet which made things much quicker. Hope you feel much better soon and is imagine the temporary pain will be much better than a large hemorrhoid!

@Rosesara

I get you. This, is one of the reasons we have only one child despite him wanting more.

He spent my entire pregnancy acting as though he was pregnant, didn't want to hold the baby just after I'd given birth because HE was tired from the trauma of the labour (I wanted to use the bathroom) , then invited his entire family round the day after I'd given birth and sat on the sofa with them all demanding cups of tea and cakes, whilst he sat there, me rushing about feeling like my insides were about to fall out. I feel your pain!

Gosh why are people so nice and polite to their detriment?

I'd have told them all to go home!

It's not womens fault it's the way we're socialised. To be nice and accommodating and friendly. But we really don't have to put up with this shit.

That's not just selfish. That's dangerous. Both for you and for him!!

@AsYouWishButtercup

Another thing that pisses me off - because I have the gumption to go to the doctor, and he doesn’t due to some sort of warped repressed masculinity/growing up with a father who told him to man up, he steals my prescription meds when hes unwell! He’s had 2 of MY painkillers today. Fucking moron. It happened a few weeks ago too, I was struggling to sleep so got a mild sedative from my GP. Noticed a few were missing - turns out DH had them the odd night he was struggling to sleep. I just think it’s so bloody selfish

Sorry last post was in answer to this OP's post!! Somehow the quote didn't appear.

A very long time ago my ExH drove me for gyne day surgery in the next county. It was a 60 min drive.

Yes, we had to be in for 7.30am. Which was the admission time. Yes, unfortunately surgery was delayed until 2pm as it needed a consultant to oversee.

I hadn't eaten since the previous night at midnight.

I wasn't discharged until quite late, about 6pm. It was gone 7pm when we arrived home.

My husband (now XH) didn't cope. I never heard the end of him having to take a day off work to drive me, having to wait in a hospital for me for nearly 11 hours. He actually lay on the couch in the empty children's outpatients department that day. He didn't come in to see me. I had to keep going to check on him.

Personally I think it was the nurses growling at him! bless them they were astounded at his level of entitlement.

I could hardly walk afterwards. I struggled upstairs alone to bed and really, really needed something to eat and drink.

When I asked (shouted down to him as it was before the days of mobile phones), He said he needed to rest from his difficult day and the best he could manage was a cup of tea and a biscuit.

I didn't get anything significant to eat until the following day when I managed to get up. He had gone to work.

When he was ill I waited on him hand and foot. Whatever he needed to get well.
It was then quite a shock to be 'looked after' by him.

"When he was ill I waited on him hand and foot. Whatever he needed to get well.
It was then quite a shock to be 'looked after' by him."

Did you continue to look after him well after that?

Under no circumstances should he be stealing your pain relief medication. Nor should you be ringing the dentist for him.

You need to re-iterate that you have done too much and need to rest and will be doing no more. That includes bringing the shopping in. Your mum should look after the DC or better still take them there.

If your OH can't manage because of toothache, he will need to catch up. There's no way I would be putting things right cos it's all been left for four weeks.

At best it's unfortunate timing. I suspect he is giving himself an excuse not to step up and act like a parent/partner/adult.

Some of these husbands are awful. Earlier in the thread I commented to say my DH does this for minor stuff… minor stuff. Like indigestion and headaches. It’s like I’m having a whinge and he wants to join in basically.
Behaving like this when your partner has just had a baby or an operation is just not on. What are they thinking?