Anyone else’s OH a pain thief? Feeling pissed off!

[AsYouWishButtercup]

I had surgery yesterday, was in and out in a day and a fairly small op but I’ve been sent away with pain killers, laxatives(it was bum related) and instructions to rest for 2-4 weeks - especially avoiding lifting, bending, over exertion etc.

DH and I have 2 kids (5 & 8) and I said to him before the operation that he would have to di everything round the house for the next month - all the cooking, cleaning, homework, washing, housework. We both work full time so usually good at doing 50/50 (ish) so he’d just have to step up to doing it all for a bit so I can recover properly.

Had the surgery yesterday, came home, got a takeaway and he said he would do the dishes and sort washing in the morning 🙄

I’m not too bad pain wise thanks to some cracking pain killers but have been instructed to rest, which is what I’ve done. Except DH decided this morning that he has The Worst Toothache in the World and has spent the day clutching his jaw and moaning in pain, putting his little boy lost voice on asking me to call the dentist, doing fuck all else and annoyingly, every time I wince in pain (such as standing up) he immediately seems to put his head in his hands and complain about his tooth

He’s only just cleaned the dishes from last night (whilst moaning about his pain the whole time), I’ve had to help 8yo with homework, take in the Asda delivery and be badgered by the kids. He made the kids a plate of chips each because he’s in too much pain apparently to make a proper tea, the wash basket is already full and the house is a tip. He’s spent most of the day lying in bed moaning about his pain.

Now I’m trying to be sympathetic because toothache is a painful bastard but I just think ‘ ‘ of course you have this crippling tooth ache when I’m in recovery. Couldn’t be any other time of the year!’. I also think I’ve had many an illness, including toothache, where I’ve just had to power through and get on with things, where he has the ‘luxury’ of being able to focus on his pain and lie in bed whingeing all day.

Is anyone else’s OH like this? It’s sending me nuts, at the risk of sounding like a brat, I just want for once for it to be about me!

I have made it clear that Everything is still down to him for the next month, I refuse to do more than bringing shopping in and homework, otherwise before I know it come the weekend everything will be 50/50 (well let’s face it 70/30 to me) again

By getting up to do things you’re teaching him that you’ll get up and do things! Fight the urge to solve everything. Fight the urge to stop him sulking. Teach him through your actions!

Works like sleep-training. You need to hang in there!

@HandlebarLadyTash

If I get I'll he gets I'll. I would like to have an illness on my own.

Same in this house! Since we had our first child 7 years ago I don't think I've had a single illness that's he's not miraculously developed a more severe case of - so I've never been able to just stay in bed and let him get things organized! The only time I got some rest was after my emcs with dc2!! It gets really fecking annoying! Thankfully I don't get I'll too often it too severely.

Why have I never heard of this term, pain thief! I thought I was alone!

My ex caught Covid when my children and I did and was livid when he didn't get prescribed antibiotics when I was. Of course he was 10 x worse and still harps on about the effects now.. the latest being that he blames Covid for not being able to catch 😂

Also have a very long list of examples. Frustrating to think about!

You are a very tolerant woman OP, I would get the Ick for someone so lazy and tedious.

You have to rest and recover.

Do not allow him to derail your recovery with his selfishness.

Fucking hell what an attention seeking baby he is

DH is a bit prone to this. He doesn't do it with the big stuff, thank god - he was fine when was post-birth and when I had to have exploratory surgery, thankfully - but if I sneeze he'll immediately declare that he's getting a cold and feels awful

And he's passed it onto DS1 - he's only three! If you tell DS1 you feel ill he'll say 'akshully I feel poorly too...' and the other day when I told him his brother was grizzly because he was getting a new tooth he declared 'I getting three new teeth but I not crying' . It's quite cute new but it won't be any cuter on him when he's 35 than it is on DH now!

Pathetic behaviour. He sounds really selfish and uncaring.

He’s gone to fucking bed 🙄

Luckily the kids take themselves off to bed so that was easy (I have my “don’t mess with mummy” face on tonight) but now it’s only 9.30, house is a shit tip, and I’m forever in and out the bath as (TMI WARNING) I have to wash after every bowel movement and considering I’ve been downing lactulose, it means as of 8.30 tonight that’s about 40 baths 🙄

Im very much the kind of person who needs sympathy when ill though. I think I may have to call my mum and get her to come down (she has offered to look after me), surprise DH

@IsThePopeCatholic

Pathetic behaviour. He sounds really selfish and uncaring.

That’s the perfect word, pathetic.

I mean I do think it’s genuine pain as I can tell but there’s not even an inkling of strapping on his big girl pants and powering through it for me!

I once had gastroenteritis when DD was 2, and DH was working away. I still managed (somehow) to get her fed and look after her, and I think if (and this May sounds melodramatic) if I died tomorrow, would DH start powering through or would he just leave the children to be feral.

Another thing that pisses me off - because I have the gumption to go to the doctor, and he doesn’t due to some sort of warped repressed masculinity/growing up with a father who told him to man up, he steals my prescription meds when hes unwell! He’s had 2 of MY painkillers today. Fucking moron. It happened a few weeks ago too, I was struggling to sleep so got a mild sedative from my GP. Noticed a few were missing - turns out DH had them the odd night he was struggling to sleep. I just think it’s so bloody selfish

Get well soon, OP

That sounds pretty awful for OP poor you. I hope you recover well.

I loath pain thieving and I get it.

I will say though that an abcess on my tooth was the worst pain I have ever, ever experience. Worse than childbirth and c-section. Utterly destroyed me. And I am ususally pretty good at pain (walked around ona broken foot for 2 days).

Tell him to get himself some co-codamol, him to ring the dentist back tomorrow and see if they will prescibe him some AB - or if he can be seen earlier.

And in the meantime, take yourself off to bed and get your mum down.

Oh OP, I'm raging on your behalf.

I have a similar DH in some ways but yours is excelling at the pathetic and useless awards this evening.

Stealing your medication is fecking not on. I'd be absolutely piss boiling fuming at this.

Options:

• take to your bed and refuse to get up in the morning. Stay in your PJs. Move to the spare room. You are unwell, you need to rest. If he comes in, all pathetic and looking for help, pretend to be asleep.

• move to your mum's. Don't let her come to you and pick up his slack. Go to her, solo. Let DH sort himself and the house out.

Oh OP, this is the kind of thing that would love very very long in my memory

@Whatthefucketyfuck it’s funny because I also believe the tooth abscess I once had is worse than childbirth and no one EVER believes me!! DH says it’s not an abscess though he thinks he needs a filling. I’ve said nip to the all night pharmacy and get a temporary filling kit then as they’re brilliant to use in between dentist appointments - “No it’s ok” 🙄 STFU then

on a separate note, hope you don't mind me asking - have you had a Haemorrhoidectomy?? I'm due one soon, but can't be having up to 4 weeks off work... is it that bad?

Please be careful attempting to bring in shopping so soon after surgery! You’ve been told to rest for a reason.

Currently listening to my DH moan and groan about exerting himself too much at the gym and I can tell he's getting annoyed at the lack of sympathy - thing is I have actually nearly died 3 times in the last 5 years - nothing can be as that bad pain wise - so I'm ignoring him and giving him the "fucking man up" eye 😂

@ZubinB

on a separate note, hope you don't mind me asking - have you had a Haemorrhoidectomy?? I'm due one soon, but can't be having up to 4 weeks off work... is it that bad?

I did!

It’s not actually been too bad pain-wise and I expect to be back to work a week on Monday. The first poo was agony but it reminded me of the first postnatal poo, the key is not to strain or push (easier said than done). I thought I’d need a rubber ring but maternity pads are working a treat as a buffer between my bumhole and my pants . I took a peek earlier too, it almost looks like it didn’t work because it’s very swollen, so very outwardy looking, but apparently it takes 2-3 weeks to return to normal bumhole size so I’ll check again then!

Definitely get your mum down. What a total waste of oxygen you have for a “D”H

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

Offer to grab some pliers if he doesn't stfu op. Testicles /tooth. You choose.

I’ve messaged my mum, even if it’s just for a few days, I’m late 30’s but no one ever looks after you quote like your mum does I’ll say to DH when he wakes that what with his toothache and all I thought it’s best she takes over running the house so he can recover.

That’ll learn him

Oh I hate the "lost little boy" voice.

All sympathy zips out the window and doesn't come back, the second I hear that voice.

Sorry to hear you're being put in this position OP.

I would hide your medication from him, he shouldn't be taking them.
As for him sleeping now while your in pain sorting the house out, I'm afraid I would "accidentally" trip and pour cold water on the fucker if I was you.
Glad your mums coming to save the day! Hope your bum is feeling better soon!

OP think long and hard about this behaviour.

You're 30s now which is all well and good.

What's going to happen when you get old and I'll? What's going to happen if you're (god forbid) diagnosed with something terrible.

Because I can tell you one thing, this absolute fuck-tard isn't going to stand by you and take care of you.

I'd get out now and find an adult to have a relationship with. He is utterly pathetic.