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Original poster

Anyone else’s OH a pain thief? Feeling pissed off!

111 replies

AsYouWishButtercup · 12/01/2022 18:53

I had surgery yesterday, was in and out in a day and a fairly small op but I’ve been sent away with pain killers, laxatives(it was bum related) and instructions to rest for 2-4 weeks - especially avoiding lifting, bending, over exertion etc.

DH and I have 2 kids (5 & 8) and I said to him before the operation that he would have to di everything round the house for the next month - all the cooking, cleaning, homework, washing, housework. We both work full time so usually good at doing 50/50 (ish) so he’d just have to step up to doing it all for a bit so I can recover properly.

Had the surgery yesterday, came home, got a takeaway and he said he would do the dishes and sort washing in the morning 🙄

I’m not too bad pain wise thanks to some cracking pain killers but have been instructed to rest, which is what I’ve done. Except DH decided this morning that he has The Worst Toothache in the World and has spent the day clutching his jaw and moaning in pain, putting his little boy lost voice on asking me to call the dentist, doing fuck all else and annoyingly, every time I wince in pain (such as standing up) he immediately seems to put his head in his hands and complain about his tooth Hmm

He’s only just cleaned the dishes from last night (whilst moaning about his pain the whole time), I’ve had to help 8yo with homework, take in the Asda delivery and be badgered by the kids. He made the kids a plate of chips each because he’s in too much pain apparently to make a proper tea, the wash basket is already full and the house is a tip. He’s spent most of the day lying in bed moaning about his pain.

Now I’m trying to be sympathetic because toothache is a painful bastard but I just think ‘ ‘ of course you have this crippling tooth ache when I’m in recovery. Couldn’t be any other time of the year!’. I also think I’ve had many an illness, including toothache, where I’ve just had to power through and get on with things, where he has the ‘luxury’ of being able to focus on his pain and lie in bed whingeing all day.

Is anyone else’s OH like this? It’s sending me nuts, at the risk of sounding like a brat, I just want for once for it to be about me!

I have made it clear that Everything is still down to him for the next month, I refuse to do more than bringing shopping in and homework, otherwise before I know it come the weekend everything will be 50/50 (well let’s face it 70/30 to me) again

OP posts:
tcjotm · 13/01/2022 05:44

Not all of us who are ‘thank fuck for being single’ are saying LTB. I know for me it’s thank fuck I never settled down with anyone in the first place 😂😂. I never thought it would be worth the hassle and reading MN (and listening to friends) confirms it isn’t.

You poor thing OP. You deserve to recuperate without worries.I mean sure toothache is bad but sometimes you have to suck things up because there are bigger issues, in this case his wife having surgery. Come the zombie apocalypse, are the zombies going to give him sympathy for being a wee bit poorly or would he pull himself together and run for his life? He can suck it up now!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2022 05:53

Do you have the powdered laxatives? These are otc yet rather productive so you can easily get more. I’d be tempted to give him some of my ‘painkillers’. A sachet, maybe two. Morning wake up call with ‘Oh darling, I hope your toothache is a little better, I thought this might help with the pain.’

Coffeesnob11 · 13/01/2022 06:32

My exh was exactly like this. He kindly passed me a dv bug that he had been in bed for 4 days already. I dragged him out of bed at 8.30 to look after our baby as I was stuck in the bathroom with him on the floor. At 3.30pm he passed him back said he was tired and took himself to bed. That was the longest he has ever had him alone.
When I was heavily pregnant if he felt ill he would take himself to bed but not tell me so I had to walk home from the station. He also referred to my knee surgery as the worst times in our lives because he actually had to do something. I am a single parent now so although I still don't have the luxury if being ill I don't gave to cope with his mess etc. Good call asking your mum to help.

Fuuuuuckit · 13/01/2022 06:37

My boss did this to me yesterday. I had a bit of a breakdown at work (just returned from long-term sick, still on lots of drugs, workload mental, lots of serious stuff going on with family) and rather than making even the most insincere sympathetic noises she gave me a barrage of 'well when I had other not nearly as serious injury...

I am in the process of LTB as I'm applying for new jobs. The lack of (even fake) support is contributing massively to poor MH and my recovery is stalling because of it.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 13/01/2022 06:41

*I’ll say to DH when he wakes that what with his toothache and all I thought it’s best she takes over running the house so he can recover.

That’ll learn him grin*

Oh yeah, that'll learn him. He will learn that if he fails to step up and look after his kids properly because his wife can't do it, that another woman will be parachuted in to do it. Great example for your children.

Seriously, what is he for? How can you bear to have sex with someone who is so pathetic?

Rosesara · 13/01/2022 06:58

I get you. This, is one of the reasons we have only one child despite him wanting more.

He spent my entire pregnancy acting as though he was pregnant, didn't want to hold the baby just after I'd given birth because HE was tired from the trauma of the labour (I wanted to use the bathroom) , then invited his entire family round the day after I'd given birth and sat on the sofa with them all demanding cups of tea and cakes, whilst he sat there, me rushing about feeling like my insides were about to fall out. I feel your pain!

forlornlorna · 13/01/2022 07:42

Yeah I'm so glad it's not just my dh who's like this. We used to laugh about it like I posted yesterday but in all seriousness I wish I'd nipped it in the bud early on. Defo get your mom round. Honestly if my daughter had to call me to help look after her coz her dh had a tooth ache I'd be very tempted to rip him a new arse!.

I've been with my dh over 20 years. He's a great dad, works hard, makes me laugh etc and I love him so very very much...but Like i said yesterday I've now been diagnosed with a neurological problem that's left me disabled. I'm in pain everyday, I have seizures and my mobility isn't very good. My condition will only get worse. I'm grieving the life I used to have. And he is convincing himself that he has long Covid and mopes about feeling sorry for himself. I'm not going to get any support in this part of my life and tbh that's my own fault really.

Take care of yourself x

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/01/2022 08:08

@Mummyoflittledragon

Do you have the powdered laxatives? These are otc yet rather productive so you can easily get more. I’d be tempted to give him some of my ‘painkillers’. A sachet, maybe two. Morning wake up call with ‘Oh darling, I hope your toothache is a little better, I thought this might help with the pain.’
That's fiendishly evil...but prone to backfiring IYSWIM. Blush OP (or her mum) would possibly end up having to clean up after him iyswim?
RicherThanYew · 13/01/2022 08:16

I feel for you Op! Before I became chronically ill I was the planner, organiser and sorted of everything in my family (me, DH and DS), when it became clear that I could no longer do all of these things and DH had to step up I noticed that almost magically and overnight my DH became disabled too because he would sit and do nothing, I've had to bellyache at him for years about this. Blokes seem to think that if the women are incapacitated that shit will just have to wait, but he will be waiting a hell of a long time!

BrutusMcDogface · 13/01/2022 08:19

Goodness me, what a pathetic man child he is.

You shouldn’t be taking groceries in, for goodness sake!

I hope you’re feeling better now Flowers

BrutusMcDogface · 13/01/2022 08:20

@Rosesara

I get you. This, is one of the reasons we have only one child despite him wanting more.

He spent my entire pregnancy acting as though he was pregnant, didn't want to hold the baby just after I'd given birth because HE was tired from the trauma of the labour (I wanted to use the bathroom) , then invited his entire family round the day after I'd given birth and sat on the sofa with them all demanding cups of tea and cakes, whilst he sat there, me rushing about feeling like my insides were about to fall out. I feel your pain!

What the actual fuck are you still doing with this person!!??
thenewduchessoflapland · 13/01/2022 08:23

If you were my daughter and you'd called me to come take care of my grandchildren and their house after you'd had surgery because my son in law was such a incompetent,lazy& selfish twat he'd also be needing surgery on his arse;to remove my shoe from up it.

Someone obviously has the arse because his all in one household appliance is out of order.

He's not a pain thief;he's a disrespectful arsehole who cares very little if at all about you.

TheOldStar · 13/01/2022 08:29

YES…. Dp does this and it drives me nuts. It’s just so unsupportive when I’m at my lowest. He’s basically thinking “how dare you be unwell? Give me attention now”. Apparently my dad used to do it too….

user1471462428 · 13/01/2022 08:37

My ex used to take a holiday when I had planned surgery as he “knew I’d be around to do childcare”. Luckily I’m quite good at shrugging things off.

MrsWooster · 13/01/2022 08:39

I’m not by any means saying ltb but you’re going to need to put YOUR big girl pants on and tell him he needs to step up and power through, and that means you stepping right back. Your mum coming will be lovely, but in enables his strategic incompetence. And if he steals your pain meds again, kick him (gingerly-mind your wound) in the knackers.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/01/2022 08:44

For me, it’s the facial expressions that give me the raging ick. Slack jawed, puppy eyes…can barely look at him when he does it, accompanied by the head grab and “I feel awful…” Go to fucking bed then and stop moping 🤷‍♀️

C8H10N4O2 · 13/01/2022 08:46

I’ll say to DH when he wakes that what with his toothache and all I thought it’s best she takes over running the house so he can recover

No tell him she is there to look after you and the kids because you can't rely on him.

Is he this selfish and entitled in other areas of life or just when you are ill and vulnerable?

Aderyn21 · 13/01/2022 08:50

People say LTB because these bastards deserve to be left. It's not easy, but neither is being married to a selfish arsehole that you cannot count on when you most need it!
All he's going to learn from you calling your mum is that he never has to step up - some other woman will come over and parent his kids and do the laundry. You are getting this behaviour because you are allowing it!

IdrisElbow · 13/01/2022 08:51

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gymrats · 13/01/2022 08:53

I wouldn’t let her take care of the house and run errands, she’s there for you, not your DH who is a lazy idiot

anditgoesonandon · 13/01/2022 08:54

"every time I wince in pain (such as standing up) he immediately seems to put his head in his hands and complain about his tooth"

This gave me a laugh!

Congratulations on your third child, he needs some tough love!

crossstitchingnana · 13/01/2022 08:55

My DH does this. Doesn't steal my meds though but if I am I'll he will also have it or something else. My kids ask "why is dad ill all the time?" I think it's psychosomatic and at some deep level he needs to know he is looked after. If I am below par he needs to up his game. It is absolutely exhausting. My children, now adults, look after me better and do not do this. Mind you they are women. My MIL was the same though. If you had something she had it worse. I called her "poor MIL". Suppose he learnt it from her.

Oh and the thing that boils my piss is when he says "just leave the housework, no-one will die" true but I will just have more work at the end coz nobody else is going to bloody do it.

ArrrMeHearties · 13/01/2022 08:58

Tell him you will help him with his toothache with pliers Grin might even cheer you up 😂

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 13/01/2022 09:02

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

*I’ll say to DH when he wakes that what with his toothache and all I thought it’s best she takes over running the house so he can recover.

That’ll learn him grin*

Oh yeah, that'll learn him. He will learn that if he fails to step up and look after his kids properly because his wife can't do it, that another woman will be parachuted in to do it. Great example for your children.

Seriously, what is he for? How can you bear to have sex with someone who is so pathetic?

Hmm I meant more that he can’t stand my mum and now he will have to put up with her
OP posts:
MistandMud · 13/01/2022 09:08

You need the help. If he won’t do it and your mum will, that’s what is needed. Recovery from surgery matters more than life lesson for whingey DH right now.

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