This is a kind thread to post, thank you OP. Autistic adults so rarely get asked to voice their experiences in this way so I really appreciate the question.
If I as a stranger am quiet but still friendly, make an effort to engage in small talk etc, do not decide I need ‘fixing’ or ‘befriending’ just because I am quieter than you. If I am seem happy and am not ignoring you completely then I probably am ok. I need my own space sometimes and you imposing yourself on me forcefully will just make me anxious, overwhelmed and cause me to withdraw into myself. I am not talking about a usual level of friendliness, but I have met several people in my life ho have treated me as some sort of ‘pet project’ and I have felt forced out of several groups/ social situations because one person made it too uncomfortable.
Also never make physical contact with someone unless you know they are ok with it. Autism can make this very difficult and physical touch can even be painful for some, due to sensory issues. Personally I love hugging DH or my sister, but absolutely not up for being hugged or continually stroked by someone I hardly know. It feels awful and like some sort of personal violation. Same with people who stand too close etc. If I step back a little, don’t continue to move forwards!
The above two examples are prob more general lack of social awareness rather than something specific to autism and are things I am struggling with a lot atm.
Other things I can think of is to not say things like ‘we are all a bit autistic’. I hear that so often and it is really ignorant and dismisses my genuine struggles. It’s a bit like when someone says they are ‘a bit OCD’. Also an awareness that autism isn’t the same for everyone. It is a very complex condition. Both DH and I are autistic and whilst there is some similarity, our struggles are completely different. DH is awful in social situations, and his executive functioning generally. Whereas, my masking is excellent (mostly) and I do much better in social situations, and seem fine to the normal world, however I find any social interaction distressing and I struggle to hold down any type of job, am prone to meltdowns/ poor mental health in the past. So it is important to ask questions and find out what that individual struggles with.
I would love for people to understand that whilst I make an effort to mask, be friendly etc it is because I care/ am trying to be kind and polite. It doesn’t mean I want to be there or am coping ok. People don’t see the cost of social situations, even a short trip to the supermarket can be utterly draining and I need time to recover. It is utterly exhausting being autistic. Wherever I go, the noise is much louder (like being in a nightclub), lights might hurt my eyes (eg strip lights), smells might make me feel sick, then I am also socialising (which makes me feel stressed), whilst trying to think about what to say next, my facial expressions, what I am doing with my hands etc. None of this comes naturally, it is like rehearsing for a play, even with people I am close to. I never switch off from monitoring my speech and reactions in this way.
Understand that if I don’t feel chatty or want to meet up, it is prob not personal, it is more likely I am burnt out and my mental health is on its knees and I need time alone to recharge.
Don’t comment negatively if I behave in a way that is slightly different to you. It will only make me feel self conscious. Many people with autism grow up with an awareness they are different, and are often bullied, ostracised or made to feel wrong for being different. For example, if we don’t make eye contact, or if we ‘stir’ eg I flap my hands a little or clap when I’m very excited, I can’t help it, it is instinctive, like a smile might be to you. Or if I am anxious/ stressed I wiggle my toes, or move my hands in a set pattern of wiggling each finger. I try to be subtle but I can’t stop altogether and it helps calm me slightly.
Also, my mind works in quite an abrupt way. I am one of the most polite and kind people you could meet, but sometimes my mouth has no filter. I try really hard but sometimes I will answer a question in a direct way, which can seem rude. I wish people would just take this at face value and realise I am just not adding all the extra social niceties.
I can’t think of anything else yet, but will mull it over. Basically, we can’t help being different and please don’t make us feel bad about being different.