How can NT people be more supportive towards autistic people?

[eyeseeyou]

Reading the autistic support thread for those in relationships with NT people has prompted this.

I can see there are problematic areas. But how can NTs be more supportive (instead of causing problems for autistic people)?

I won't pitch in much (I am NT). This is a space for autistic people to say what they would like so as an NT person I know how to interact (?) live alongside (?) autistic people better.

If that's ok. Ignore if not.

Well, a lot of these annoyances really make sense. I think the world would be a better place if people were more considerate to avoid them! For autistic people and NT people!

Learn about and consider;-

1. Sensory issues/problems ( seeking stimulus or conversely struggling with overload ). This could be noise, texture, taste etc.

2. Literalism and devotion to facts. This actually means that most autists have trouble dissembling or being deceptive, so if someone is deceiving you or being cruel, don’t give them an armchair dx of autism - you’ll probably be wrong.

3. Theory of mind. We can’t always put ourselves easily into other peoples shoes or work out who knows what.

4. What seems generally “weird” behaviour to you (stance, facial expression, demeanour) isn’t actually hurting anyone and is highly unlikely to be malicious.

5. Please drop the debunked notion that we lack empathy. We actually tend to be highly attuned to everyone’s moods (if only as a survival strategy)but don’t always know how to react or what to do with it.

Oh and another thing, we are as likely to be fully competent, intelligent adults as the next person, so don’t need to be patronised or spoken to like we are five.

Essexlioness your post had my nodding in recognition - so much applies to DD13. We are trying to get her formally assessed for both autism & ADHD.

me

We are a household full of people (adults and now young adults) with AS, ADD and ADHD:
What makes life easier for the one, stresses the other.
What helps one to cope, makes life more difficult for the other.
Sometimes we are in a situation together and need opposing things to handle it.

@BlackeyedSusan

Make sure there is an email address to contact.

Don't be a twat and refuse to use email with someone who says they prefer this method of communication. Or like BCH who don't provide accessible communication at all.

This.

Don't say "next time just give me a call - it will be much easier"

Maybe for you!

What helps one to cope, makes life more difficult for the other.
Sometimes we are in a situation together and need opposing things to handle it.

Ah, difficult. How do you manage to cope with this?

Do not ever, EVER say to an autistic adult 'oh, but you don't look autistic!'. No matter what you may think, it's never a compliment.

I am 42. I have a long-term relationship, a home, a senior professional role, friendships, hobbies. I am also autistic.

I spent a HUGE amount of my life masking (autism didn't 'exist' in girls when I grew up in the 80s/90s) and, like anything you put a lot of time into learning and developing, you get very good at it after a while. It is also insanely draining.

This is why many autistic people frequently object to NTs' use of the phrase 'mild autism'. My autism may appear mild to you because of the enormous amount of effort and energy I put into having to live in an NT world: it is not necessarily mild to me.

@AffIt

Do not ever, EVER say to an autistic adult 'oh, but you don't look autistic!'. No matter what you may think, it's never a compliment.

I am 42. I have a long-term relationship, a home, a senior professional role, friendships, hobbies. I am also autistic.

I spent a HUGE amount of my life masking (autism didn't 'exist' in girls when I grew up in the 80s/90s) and, like anything you put a lot of time into learning and developing, you get very good at it after a while. It is also insanely draining.

This is why many autistic people frequently object to NTs' use of the phrase 'mild autism'. My autism may appear mild to you because of the enormous amount of effort and energy I put into having to live in an NT world: it is not necessarily mild to me.

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

@CurryLover55 good look with the diagnosis and well done for getting through my essay!

@AffIt perfectly put!

I also agree with the waiting for a phone call etc. I understand it isn’t always practical to be precise but I will be waiting from a few mins before, with my anxiety building until the person has actually called. I cannot get on with my day until then. Same with waiting for appointments etc. I try to book appointments early in the day otherwise half the day is wasted waiting around

I’m going to post this on a couple of relevant threads so lukewarm apologies for the repetition but I wanted to flag up an interesting podcast episode that covers a lot of relevant ground.

I originally skipped this episode because it’s titled as though it’s purely about anti-vaccination but it turns out it covers a LOT of autism related content, including the history of autism, the controversy around Aspergers, the history of diagnosis, the MMR/Wakefield debacle and more.

Most importantly the guest contributor is autistic himself and very knowledgeable.

It’s good and it’s very accessible.

Ha. Forgot to link.

It’s an episode of “You’re wrong about” from February 2021.
Available on lots of platforms or here;

www.podchaser.com/podcasts/youre-wrong-about-1216514/episodes/the-anti-vaccine-movement-83531933

Following, thank you for starting the thread OP

I do like that podcast!

@Thoosa

Oh and another thing, we are as likely to be fully competent, intelligent adults as the next person, so don’t need to be patronised or spoken to like we are five.

This

Thanks op, you are very thoughtful.
My contribution: We are not all on the spectrum. We are not all like Sheldon. We are valuable members of society, please treat us as such, not as circus folk to be pitied, belittled, poked fun at. We are autistic, we don’t ‘have autism.’ Please do not tell us we would have fewer traits if we changed our diet, added vitamins or have regular this, that and the other treatment. No we didn’t’catch it from the vaccine’
Oof ! Sorry about that, it sort of tumbled out!

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

I do like that podcast!

Good!

It makes you realise how rare intelligent discussion about autism with autistic participants is, doesn’t it?

Also it’s quite jolly and not boringly presented. Bonus.

Don't ask us to diagnose you / your kids / insert random family member here.
Autism assessments are very stringent for a reason and carried out by qualified professionals. If you get a not-autistic result from a professional psychologist, there is a reason why.

Life is not benefits, accommodations, extra attention and free stuff for autistic people, so stop thinking a diagnosis is an extra "nice to have" which I've seen a lot on mumsnet. It's bloody hard work and the label follows you around for life. My health insurance now won't cover me for any psych support because most of it can be described as an autism co-morbidity, and any so-called autism assistance at businesses is mainly lip service and utterly useless.

It makes you realise how rare intelligent discussion about autismwith autistic participantsis, doesn’t it?

Exactly, @Thoosa! In my workplace we have a support group for mostly NT parents of autistic kids, but nothing for people with autism, says it all really!

In my workplace we have a support group for mostly NT parents of autistic kids, but nothing for people with autism, says it all really!

I wish I could say I was surprised.

This one won't be popular but here goes:

Please don't use "autism mum/dad" or "autism warrior" type descriptions on your social media profiles. It's your kid's diagnosis, not yours, and they deserve their privacy. Using those and related autism "inspo" posts for Instagram and Facebook likes is really disturbing, especially when most of them are written by NTs and contradict what autistic people actually need.

Autistic people are trying extremely hard, all throughout the day, to keep going and to keep it all together.

Look up 'Spoon Theory'.

Autistic people can't just do stuff by trying harder. It doesn't work that way. 'Trying harder' can cause exhaustion, anxiety, depression and burnout.

Autistic people want the same things that neurotypical people want - a home, a job, a relationship, children and to be accepted within our community and society in general.

@confusedofengland

From a parent's point of view (autistic 10-year old DS) - remember that each person is an individual in their own right & may not conform to the stereotype of what others think they should/may need. My DS presents differently to how people think he should & loves bright lights, loud noises & crowds, so often the 'autism friendly' events don't suit him at all.

Absolutely this.

As a parent I've found that even professionals quote the line 'when you've met one person with autism you've met one person with autism', but then proceed to make assumptions re stereotypes too.

My own DS strongly dislikes routine. He's very friendly and sociable too (though he still has difficulty in social situations).

I have a little thing I do at the gym which my NT friends know which really helps... If I sit on one side of the room, I'm up for chat, if I sit on the other, I'm not. It's massively helped as I know they won't be offended and they know they won't cause me distress.

Don't make me wear something with my name on. It really stresses me out and I can't work out if I actually know someone or if they only know because I've got a badge on. Obviously wouldn't expect others to wear them either.