How can NT people be more supportive towards autistic people?

[eyeseeyou]

Reading the autistic support thread for those in relationships with NT people has prompted this.

I can see there are problematic areas. But how can NTs be more supportive (instead of causing problems for autistic people)?

I won't pitch in much (I am NT). This is a space for autistic people to say what they would like so as an NT person I know how to interact (?) live alongside (?) autistic people better.

If that's ok. Ignore if not.

To me, empathy is strongly tied up with compassion. One of the reasons I retired early from nursing was because of the lack of empathy from other staff towards the people we cared for (care home) and most of the other nurses weren't interested in administering pain relief or improving the quality of life for the residents. There was no compassion. They were there to do a job, but there was little emotional engagement. The thought of people - and animals, even plants - being neglected and suffering caused me such pain that I had to give it up because it was making me ill.

What I couldn't do was cognitively empathise with some of the visitors who'd give me some sort of drama about something that'd happened to them - car failed MOT, snapped nail, cat thrown up on a favourite cushion or whatever. I acquired a reputation for being blunt and not very warm. When it mattered, I was probably the most effective nurse there and certainly I got on well with the people I was caring for because I went all out to help them. I had a great reputation for getting things done whilst the others gossiped and drank coffee in the office. Whining about petty things or social related stuff just leaves me uninterested though.

@Gilead

I’ve been working with Autistic children and teens for 25 odd years (now retired). One of the things that I work with is this myth about empathy. We do feel it, initially we may not understand those phenomenally overwhelming feelings and they panic us, we therefore, at some point make a decision to shut those feelings down because we associate them with similar trauma based feelings. If anything, many autistic people feel empathy to such an extent it doesn’t feel like a safe place to travel. Am I making sense?

Totally agree on the empathy front. I worry sometimes that I'm being too empathetic because I've taught myself to empathetic rather than it always being natural. I am empathetic in general but I can be a bit if I can't understand why someone is doing something. So I think I am overthinking it and being more empathetic than I should be or when I don't need to be.

Oh, I can be horrible at times. That isn't because I have autism. I don't like the fact that because sometimes I'm vile it turns into "everyone with autism is mean".

You can use that with so many different examples. One person does something, or behaves in a way doesn't mean that everyone does! Sometimes, I'm just a dick.

Assume good intent (bad intent will usually be obvious) I never hint, when I walk past you and don’t say hello in order to address the colleague next to you, it’s not because I hate you, I just have no idea it’s a social norm to say hello to everyone you know (I do now)

Stop hinting, it’s difficult to work out what you mean. Just be straight. Fine to say ‘hey sorry I’ve got to do X so need to go now’ rather than hinting

Give me a chance, I’ve noticed very few people like me at first but when we have cause to have long term relationships most come round though although usually think I’m weird

I know I talk too much, too loudly, forget to ask about you. I try constantly to confirm with social norms and it’s exhausting if I’m tired or stressed I’ll not do so well, if I’m comfortable with you I might slip. Forgive me I can’t keep it ip all the time

@eyeseeyou

Perhaps be kinder! And stop with the stereotyping i.e. no empathy.

I've just started a new thread about whether people actually want empathy. I'd be interested in responses from autistic people as well as NT people.

Also no interest in standing around gossiping about neighbours/co-workers.

I'm NT - don't like gossiping either.

Would also love to remove the gender/sexism of AS males being "quirky" "intelligent" "eccentric". AS females just weird.

Absolutely agree, this is wrong.

NT females are the worst at this

Erm..unfortunate you have observed this. I'll do my best not to help create a new stereotype.

Yes, quite, and it seems the irony is lost on the OP with this thread. If everyone treated people with respect then we wouldn't need patronising posts wondering how we can all get along better.

I apologise though for using the NT stereotype - I have been treated well by a very small number of NT females and have appreciated their kindness and for having the courage to not go along with the herd.

@HariBB.

Oh. Sorry, then.

And thank you for posting. At the very least it has helped me with identifying some of the behaviours which people might find annoying.

If everyone treated people with respect then we wouldn't need patronising posts wondering how we can all get along better.

It's really not that easy. Respect is quite difficult to define. I certainly feel it but my particular expression of this feeling might not be well received.

patronising posts wondering how we can all get along better

Not intended to be patronising. I don't like conflict but will put up with it if absolutely unavoidable. Prefer minimal conflict, though. Thought if I asked about what sort of things might be supportive it might avoid some unnecessary conflict.

If it me posting that is annoying. Just say. I can just let the thread run and not interact.

I am prepared to get bashed as I am a NT parent of a son who is autistic or has autism. However, I have just read all of the answers here and what it basically tells me is that we cannot possibly understand what each autistic person thinks and feels and finds hard and needs help with. There is such a massive range here. I think anyone who has someone they know and love who is autistic just takes the time to understand what their friend or family member wants and stick to that. As no one can go around behaving in a way that works for every single NT or ND person. We have to simply stick to the basics be kind friendly non judgemental and ourselves. I would love it if the whole world changed in a way that meant my son didnt feel any different being ND but it's not going to happen.

@lborgia

Interesting about the having autism/ being autistic thing. I say autistic because it's about a different way of being, not a pathology that's wrong.

I would say "I'm British, I'm tall, I'm a redhead, I'm autistic".

I have finally settled on saying (if/when I do say something) "I have a diagnosis of autism"

@tootiredtospeak - I commiserate with your mn name...
I think that actually there are a lot of commonalities in the ways people want to be treated, and the reality is that until relatively recently, companies, health depts etc weren't listening, or taking their advice from NT doctors etc.

It's one of the reasons I find the idea of it "just being a different way of being" so helpful.

It doesn't come close to explaining all the ways in which being autistic is tough, but it certainly helps when I try to let DS see he's just fine the way he is, it's just that the world is set up for the 50% in the middle.

@AspersionsNasturiums - I think another reason I'm so hot on it being a trait or characteristic, is because I have so many diagnoses that are things that are wrong with me and I don't want autism to be seen as one of them!
Good you've found what works for you though. In the end, that's all that matters.

For nt people to educate themselves about autism and be kinder when someone struggles.

For parents to teach their children to be kind and compassionate to autistic children.

To be willing to make adaptions to make an autistic persons life easier.

To not assume autistic people should have to try to be normal.

@tootiredtospeak

I am prepared to get bashed as I am a NT parent of a son who is autistic or has autism. However, I have just read all of the answers here and what it basically tells me is that we cannot possibly understand what each autistic person thinks and feels and finds hard and needs help with. There is such a massive range here. I think anyone who has someone they know and love who is autistic just takes the time to understand what their friend or family member wants and stick to that. As no one can go around behaving in a way that works for every single NT or ND person. We have to simply stick to the basics be kind friendly non judgemental and ourselves. I would love it if the whole world changed in a way that meant my son didnt feel any different being ND but it's not going to happen.

Yes I think that’s fair. Above all being reduced to stereotypes (usually annoying cultural references like Rainman or that bloke from the science comedy I don’t watch or whoever) is unhelpful. Be aware of possible implications but don’t prejudge and individual’s needs or presentation.

If that’s the only lesson NT people learn, that’s progress.

Coming back to this thread because the people here are the only ones who seem to ‘get it’.

I’m still totally bummed out about the ‘awards’ at work. It’s spiralled into a depressive episode that I took time from work to deal with. It really fucking got to me.

My boss has also employed a new senior…
…who sports a ghastly primary coloured puzzle piece she recently had tattooed on her arm in ‘honour’ of her nephew.

1 minute of googling will tell you how offensive that it…

I feel like I’m being pushed out.

Just needed to vent.

Not going to get any sympathy at work about it.

Ugh that tattoo thing is grim @TheLightSideOfTheMoon - the usual making it all about themselves...

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Coming back to this thread because the people here are the only ones who seem to ‘get it’.

I’m still totally bummed out about the ‘awards’ at work. It’s spiralled into a depressive episode that I took time from work to deal with. It really fucking got to me.

My boss has also employed a new senior…
…who sports a ghastly primary coloured puzzle piece she recently had tattooed on her arm in ‘honour’ of her nephew.

1 minute of googling will tell you how offensive that it…

I feel like I’m being pushed out.

I really feel for you the award shows your bosses ignorance and yes I hate the jigsaw puzzle I don't understand how people don't know how offensive it is. It's well documented.

I have googled the jigsaw piece tattoo.

One thing I struggle to get across to NT people is that the autistic “spectrum” isn’t a linear thing from not autistic to fully autistic and neither does everyone sit somewhere along that line. The “spectrum” actually is more like the red-blue spectrum, in that the red areas are one type of difficulty and the blues are other types, and the person with autism has different parts of that spectrum of difficulties. It’s not red = autistic and blue = NT.

Also mild autism isn’t like say a mild cold, where you just are a bit run down but essentially well. It means the difficulties are less obvious to NT people, or that they don’t seem to be as disabling. It’s still really bloody exhausting and distressing masking all the time or not being able to fathom out what you’ve said wrong or where you’ve made a misstep because you’ve missed a social cue. It’s a different type of disability, not a mild one.

Also autistic children grow up Into autistic adults. We don’t cease to exist at the age of 16.

I’ll answer for my son because he can’t. Make education and health accessible, and stop allowing exclusion.

I am fininding this thread so interesting and useful. Thank you for starting it @eyeseeyou.

I have to admit that I have never heard of the jigsaw piece tattoo before, and had to google it.