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Original poster

Deep regret in every aspect of my life, but too late to fix?

85 replies

Hippilongstocking · 31/12/2021 07:01

I am 51 and feel like I have made a complete mess of my life. Consumed with deep regret over so many choices that seemed a good idea at the time. I have taken some gambles which just haven't worked out, and the pandemic hasn't helped any. We have had a lot of family stress over the past few years and I am burnt out.

DD (20) is a deep disappointment to me; dropped out of uni with MH issues. just doing nothing with her life and wasting her considerable talents. Yes, it is her life but I can't help feeling deep regret when I think of what she used to be.

DH is a disapppointment too. He is a good, hardworking man but I feel like I have done way too much for him and made too many sacrifices without getting enough in return. ( Maybe he feels the same way). Can't talk to him properly any more and in any case, he is burnt out on life too.

My career is a car crash thanks to too many years of SAHMing and a move to another country, and now WFH for ever which I hate.
I have very few friends- maybe 3- whom I can actually count on. All the rest have drifted away.

On the plus side, teen DS is a delight. And I have made good financial decisions and am financially secure. I have a wonderful DM but she is getting older and won't be around for ever.

I feel very disconnected with the world. Like I am floating around unmoored. So many things- reading, walking, music- that I used to enjoy do not give me pleasure any more.

My GP is not offering appointments until February and in any case, is so busy right now that I do not expect to find her very sympathetic.

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 07:05

Can you not ring at 8am for an appointment ?
If you had a chest infection you wouldn’t be waiting until February for antibiotics.

Startagaintoday · 31/12/2021 07:06

Menopause

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 07:09

And your daughter is an adult, she makes her own choices.
I feel really sorry for her, to have a mother saying she’s a disappointment. Particularly when you might have MH problems yourself.

Original poster

Hippilongstocking · 31/12/2021 07:14

I am in S London and Omicron is raging, so can never get through to a GP.

Definitely menopause, but I am not a candidate for HRT acc to a previous GP. Could ask again, I suppose.

Adults can make their own choices, sure. Are mothers not allowed to feel disappointment though? I support her as much as I can in real life in every possible way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hippilongstocking · 31/12/2021 07:19

Oh also, I have no family except DM in the UK. Only sibling has emigrated to Canada and DH is an only child. That contributes to feeling disconnected and alone, I guess.

OP posts:

Crumpledpancake · 31/12/2021 07:20

Perhaps your daughter has MH issues because her mother sees her as a disappointment. Why aren't you more supportive of her? Is she only of value if she goes to uni and has supposed 'success'?

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Stop projecting your self-hate onto your family. You'll end up without any of them and be back here moaning that you're lonely.

R0tational · 31/12/2021 07:22

As a poor person, I would say don't take your good financial decisions for granted. Get a new job.
Your daughter can turn her life around and will, in a few years perhaps so don't give up on her..

Original poster

Hippilongstocking · 31/12/2021 07:23

No, I do not think my daughter has MH issues because I see her as a disappointment. I do think looking after someone with depression who takes it out on you is very difficult and draining.

OP posts:

Paq · 31/12/2021 07:25

Your daughter is still young, she has plenty of time to sort herself out.

If you are financially secure then start to plan a different life. Travel (when you can)? Retrain or just learn for the love of it? Take up a new sport? Volunteer?

51 is young, you have so much life left. Make the most of it!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/12/2021 07:25

But you aren’t regretting your own life. You are deeply disappointed in those you should love and support the most, and regretting their decisions and issues. That’s not fair of you.

I think you should focus on yourself first to be honest, find out how you can be your best then it might follow that if you can find happiness within yourself then you are able to support your family.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 07:27

Is there anyone else in your family with MH issues ?

ThackeryBinks · 31/12/2021 07:27

OP get some HRT, I had mine prescribed by the nurse you may not need to go see the GP. Best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I think daughters feel their mothers disappointment. It's worse when you know they are right. If you can let go of that and love her for who she is you might find it helps.

Eastie77Returns · 31/12/2021 07:29

What are the choices you made that make you think your life is a complete mess? Enjoying financial security after making sound decisions puts you in a good position to make changes to address some of those choices.

If you’re unhappy in the country you currently reside in is moving an option once your teenager is older (assuming mid teens)?

Hopefully your DD is receiving help and support with her MH problems. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling disappointed that she’s dropped out of Uni but she’s an adult and will need to find her own way forward.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 31/12/2021 07:30

@GoodnightGrandma

And your daughter is an adult, she makes her own choices. I feel really sorry for her, to have a mother saying she’s a disappointment. Particularly when you might have MH problems yourself.

The daughter is allowed her choices. The mother is allowed her feelings (while mindful not to share them with the child).

It's ok to have hopes and dreams for your kid and feel sadness when they don't materialise.

puffylovett · 31/12/2021 07:34

Op I could have written your post! Similar age, similar choixes, similar concerns about children, friendships etc. I don’t have much to offer, but just know you aren’t alone in feeling like this. Too much judgement on this thread, I fear.

ShippingNews · 31/12/2021 07:36

I agree with pp that you are apparently blaming others for your disappointment in life. Your daughter has MH problems, that isn't your fault ...your husband sounds fine but you are resenting him for unspecified reasons ....your mother isn't going to live forever like all of us and our mothers. To be honest, none of this sounds like it's so terrible. It's all pretty normal at this stage of life . If you've got menopause symptoms, I'd get along to the doctor and get some hrt - the idea that you can't because of some unspecified reasons by a previous doctor, doesn't make any sense.

Sorry but it sounds to me like you need to pull up your big girl pants and start dealing with life, instead of wallowing in vague regret.

urbanbuddha · 31/12/2021 07:41

Living with someone who is suffering from depression is definitely very draining.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/for-friends-and-family/ offers support.

If it's possible try and take an hour long walk every day.

TreeSmuggler · 31/12/2021 07:53

I have a lot of regrets too, so I sympathise. When it comes to your DD though, I think you are maybe being a little unfair. She is 20! She has decades ahead to study and begin a career. When I was her age, I was afraid of wasting time, in part due to my parents worrying like you. I finished my uni course as quick as possible. I'm now 35 and think what the hell was the rush for?! There is no difference in earnings or success between me and others my age who took years to have fun, try different courses, work different jobs, travel and just sort themselves out personally. Actually there is a difference - they are mostly doing better than me!

FindingMeno · 31/12/2021 07:54

You're menopausal that accounts for a lot imo.
I'm not normally harsh with people but you need to focus on the good and love your dd for who she is.
Stop expecting your life to be the perfect picture other people paint to the world on social media.

TreeSmuggler · 31/12/2021 07:58

If you are overwhelmed as a carer for her, that's understandable but it's a bit of a different thing to being disappointed in her.

TreeSmuggler · 31/12/2021 08:01

It's ok to have hopes and dreams for your kid and feel sadness when they don't materialise.

Yes but at age 20 I don't think you can yet say she's wasted her life. It hasn't even begun.

VanCleefArpels · 31/12/2021 08:03

Go to a private GP for a start off and discuss your options

It sounds like you are wallowing a bit. There are things you can do to proactively change your situation. Make a list: work, home projects, holidays, hobbies, exercise, diet, whatever. And give yourself a shake. You can do it!

HereticFanjo · 31/12/2021 08:04

HRT / therapy / planning some holidays might help. Definitely speak to GP. You sound depressed and it may well be menopausal.

Leaveitonthefloordrobe · 31/12/2021 08:05

Does menopause really cause this? I've always been a "not confident in my decisions" type of person but now my regrets consume me. From the house I live in to the school my child goes to. Dh gets the brunt of most of it and, yes, I have regrets about marrying him at the moment too. I just feel deeply unhappy with everything in my life. I'm 44. Sorry you're feeling this way, op.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 08:26

@Leaveitonthefloordrobe

Peri menopause does yes.

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