Deep regret in every aspect of my life, but too late to fix?

[Hippilongstocking]

I am 51 and feel like I have made a complete mess of my life. Consumed with deep regret over so many choices that seemed a good idea at the time. I have taken some gambles which just haven't worked out, and the pandemic hasn't helped any. We have had a lot of family stress over the past few years and I am burnt out.

DD (20) is a deep disappointment to me; dropped out of uni with MH issues. just doing nothing with her life and wasting her considerable talents. Yes, it is her life but I can't help feeling deep regret when I think of what she used to be.

DH is a disapppointment too. He is a good, hardworking man but I feel like I have done way too much for him and made too many sacrifices without getting enough in return. ( Maybe he feels the same way). Can't talk to him properly any more and in any case, he is burnt out on life too.

My career is a car crash thanks to too many years of SAHMing and a move to another country, and now WFH for ever which I hate.
I have very few friends- maybe 3- whom I can actually count on. All the rest have drifted away.

On the plus side, teen DS is a delight. And I have made good financial decisions and am financially secure. I have a wonderful DM but she is getting older and won't be around for ever.

I feel very disconnected with the world. Like I am floating around unmoored. So many things- reading, walking, music- that I used to enjoy do not give me pleasure any more.

My GP is not offering appointments until February and in any case, is so busy right now that I do not expect to find her very sympathetic.

Fwiw if I want to look at things and not have any regret, I need to know I have given it my best.

Of all the things I regret, it’s always putting everyone else needs and wants first, ahead for myself, that I regret the most.

There is no point saying ‘you’ve done great of you are financially sound, have raised your dcs, lived abroad etc…’ because life isn’t just about that. If whatever you have done brought you money but never fulfilled you, who YOU are, it will feel empty and devoid of meaning.
It might mean a life well lived for someone else though…. But that’s not the point really.

Hi OP, just an idea but can you minimise your exposure to the news? The rolling news cycle can be very depressing and if there's anything you actually need to know, you can glance at a paper newspaper once or twice a week. Works for me.

I think you sometimes need to stop "allowing yourself" to look back. Get on with the here and now, and plan the future if you want to make changes?
Things do seem to have gone relatively well for you. I get the frustration that you've spent decades caring for children who as teenagers may not seem to that interested in their parents, let alone grateful, or who have not turned out as you hoped.
A lot of this is just ordinary "life".

Wow, did not expect so many replies! Thank you all.I went out for a long walk by the river with DH today and feel better after that, as I always do.

Some of you have expressed how I feel better than I have in my post, which was not me at my most articulate. And some of you understand me better than I clearly understand myself. I am sorry I can't reply to each personally, but I have noted all your suggestions.

Some people appear to think I am a terrible person or a terrible mother. I will just say that supporting a depressed child in a pandemic and being their emotional punching bag is the hardest and most draining thing I have ever done. I feel very much like I am pouring from an empty cup with a large hole in the bottom. I want to disengage a bit, but I have been told by DDs doctors that I need to stay engaged until she is better. I haven't given up on her but I get tired of the constant negativity. I don't express any of those feelings to her IRL.

I have made a list for the week ahead and the first one is to call my GP or go private and push for HRT. I wasn't sure about it but it appears to have helped so many of you. The other things may be a bit harder to solve but I will try. I definitely think I need to put myself more at the centre of my life but it hasn't been easy the last 2 years as so many things have just not been in my control.

Read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. Helped me see life differently

Like other PPs, I find the statements that your children are disappointments to you quite jarring.

Well done OP. You have taken the first meaningful step to something better and brighter. Happier days lie ahead for you, of that I am sure.

My own analysis is that we, as women, arrive at that age when you realise you’ve given your all for others but not for yourself. You’ve raised children and sometimes it’s not the resounding success you were told it would be (if you do A and B, eg be a SAHM etc…) You’ve supported your DH doing what he needed/wanted. You’ve tried your best to be everything. A great mum who is a SAHM whilst at the same time having this brilliant career we are ALSO supposed to have.

Hit the nail on the head there.

@FabriqueBelgique

Like other PPs, I find the statements that your children are disappointments to you quite jarring.

You see I didn’t read it as the OP being disappointed in her dd as a person. I took it as being disappointed at how things are for HER DD - difficult and hard work.

Speaking as someone whose parents have always been disappointed in me no matter what I do: your daughter is probably just as disappointed in you as you are in her.

As for this: On the plus side, teen DS is a delight.

Even if you've never said it out loud to anyone, you still give off vibes and it comes across as favouritism. Please don't do this to your daughter. I've been in her position and I just wanted my parents to support me but all they ever did was be disappointed in me and complain that nothing I do is ever good enough.