Deep regret in every aspect of my life, but too late to fix?

[Hippilongstocking]

I am 51 and feel like I have made a complete mess of my life. Consumed with deep regret over so many choices that seemed a good idea at the time. I have taken some gambles which just haven't worked out, and the pandemic hasn't helped any. We have had a lot of family stress over the past few years and I am burnt out.

DD (20) is a deep disappointment to me; dropped out of uni with MH issues. just doing nothing with her life and wasting her considerable talents. Yes, it is her life but I can't help feeling deep regret when I think of what she used to be.

DH is a disapppointment too. He is a good, hardworking man but I feel like I have done way too much for him and made too many sacrifices without getting enough in return. ( Maybe he feels the same way). Can't talk to him properly any more and in any case, he is burnt out on life too.

My career is a car crash thanks to too many years of SAHMing and a move to another country, and now WFH for ever which I hate.
I have very few friends- maybe 3- whom I can actually count on. All the rest have drifted away.

On the plus side, teen DS is a delight. And I have made good financial decisions and am financially secure. I have a wonderful DM but she is getting older and won't be around for ever.

I feel very disconnected with the world. Like I am floating around unmoored. So many things- reading, walking, music- that I used to enjoy do not give me pleasure any more.

My GP is not offering appointments until February and in any case, is so busy right now that I do not expect to find her very sympathetic.

Your teen ds is a delight. That’s something to be proud of. Teen boys are not easy to parent. I am sure your dd will find her way if you support her at this stage.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel disappointed in your DD. Long term marriage also can get at little fractious. You are not unusual in both regards but it does sound like you are a little depressed and should maybe seek some help

Thanks for the responses. I definitely am wallowing. I did a lot over summer and now seem to have sunk into a pit of despair, after the neverending Covid news. Just seems like my get up and go has got up and gone.

Many of you are right, and possibly are giving me the advice I would give to other people but don't seem able to follow myself:( I must remember not to take financial security for granted. It has been very hard won; DH comes from poverty and has an immigrant background, and I am a bit better but not much better.

It's ok to feel whatever you feel. Being worried and disappointed at how your daughter's life is shaping up is only natural, as is the looking back with regret. But being stuck in a loop of disappointment and regret is unhealthy, and it sounds like you need help to get out of it. It could be perimenopausal, it could be depression or SAD. Or a combination. If you can't get to see your own GP, can you afford to pay for a private appointment? You can try going for walks every day to get more daylight. Or buy a special light for use indoors. Take high strength vitamin d. Get counseling for yourself so you learn ways to interact with your daughter that keep you out of the firing line. (I suspect that the solution for your daughter is patience, time, and keeping your mouth tight shut to begin with - you have to disengage).

I don't understand what you're regretting, exactly? Everything seems good.

I regret loads! None of my big life decisions have been successful in any way! I've consistently chosen the wrong men, jobs, houses and investments. I've done EVERYTHING wrong.

It might help you to get things back into proportion. Could you volunteer? Realising that actually your life is pretty good might cheer you up and stop you feeling so dissatisfied.

As a previous poster said, get yourself an appointment with a private GP. If you're in S. London there will be loads around. We're in Kent and in the same situation with our NHS GP - no appointments for weeks. My DD needing seeing so we went to a local private clinic. The appointment was £100, (I know that's not cheap, but you said you were financially secure), and we were seen within 48 hrs. You can always go back to your NHS GP for follow up appointments.

Sounds like there are quite a few of us feeling this way.

I too am overwhelmed with regrets. I hate my house, wish I'd never married my husband but I don't feel like I have the strength or motivation to start over.

Go private for an HRT consult. Take that financial independence and apply to the very best thing on offer to middle aged women.

It changed my life and prevented me from damaging my relationships. Life changing. Really.

My dd is the same age as yours and your post has appalled me!

She became mentally very unwell in her second year of uni but has managed to remain on her course and is now close to graduating.

As a family we have pulled together and thrown every bit of support at her we can. She is very open about the fact that this is what has saved her degree and knows others who are less fortunate and have dropped out.

I cannot believe you describe your daughter as a disappointment.
You want a better life? Being a better person might be a good starting point?

Sorry you are feeling low in.

I'm sure it's very hard when you have put effort in to supporting your dd to get to uni and then she drops out. But if she has mh problems (the pandemic has been hard on a lot of young adults) then surely it is a better decision than to struggle on with something she can't cope with right know? Hopefully she will bounce back when she is ready

Without wishing to sound harsh, it sounds as though you are living vicariously through others, and your happiness depends on the actions of others too much. Yes they are your family and you have been the "facilitator" so you are bound to feel this way to an extent. But how about stepping back back now and working on your own happiness? Is there a project of your own that you would like to pursue?

@crosbystillsandmash I don't think you offering the support the OP needs right now - well done for sorting out your own DD, but it sounds like the OP's DD is not the same. Who'd have thought.

[quote pickingdaisies]@crosbystillsandmash I don't think you offering the support the OP needs right now - well done for sorting out your own DD, but it sounds like the OP's DD is not the same. Who'd have thought.[/quote]
Obviously her dd isn't the same 🙄

But gushing about her wonderful ds, while describing her mentally unwell dd as a 'disappointment' is just awful.

Menopause is no excuse for unkindness.

Peri messes with your head big time; brain fog, mood swings, depression, anxiety, bone aches, exhaustion etc. Get hrt, see how that helps then reevaluate. Oh, and regrets are wasted emotion, you can't go back and change anything so let it go.

@Startagaintoday

Menopause

very likely

Well, I can relate to having regrets. But the bad decisions did teach me the lessons I needed. I do sometimes wish I'd had this wisdom and resilience at 21 but here I am at 51 trying to catch up a bit.

My 18 year old struggles as well but I'd advise you to re-frame it. She's not a disappointment. It's that dealing with her struggles is another challenge that drains you. I get that. Acknowledge that it's hard.

I had children with an abusive man which is a legacy I passed on to my DC :-( and I didn't go to university. My parents are very emotionally immature which is the source of my ''failure to launch''. I want to make sure that my relationship with my DC is more honest and supportive than my parents ''relationship'' with me was. They told me who I was. It didn't work out well. We're estranged.

So. Plenty of things to feel regrets about and sometimes it does hit me in waves. But sometimes I think, ok, I'm on my way to catching up with where I should be. But really, the only ''should'' in my life now is I should look after myself. I should be kind to myself.

Think the way you speak about your daughter is disgusting quite frankly. I personally have had mental health issues for many years, I didn't even get to uni. I'm now 30+ doing a night course so I can go to uni next year. Not everybody has to go fresh out of school, and pick a career they won't like 10 years down the line.

However, mental health issues can be very debilitating, especially without the right support. My parents weren't supportive either, so i know how she likely feels and it isn't a nice feeling. Must be great to be perfect like you though.

@Leaveitonthefloordrobe

Does menopause really cause this? I've always been a "not confident in my decisions" type of person but now my regrets consume me. From the house I live in to the school my child goes to. Dh gets the brunt of most of it and, yes, I have regrets about marrying him at the moment too. I just feel deeply unhappy with everything in my life. I'm 44. Sorry you're feeling this way, op.

oh god aye. Its yet another bit that doesn't get publicly talked about.

@Hippilongstocking

No, I do not think my daughter has MH issues because I see her as a disappointment. I do think looking after someone with depression who takes it out on you is very difficult and draining.

I agree, supporting somebody who is not happy is a draining task.

My father had depression and my mother ''supported'' my father but they both projected a lot of their issues on to me. This was when I was a teen.

Trying to function healthily as a family with a depressed person in the family is very challenging..

My parents didn't manage it but they haven't the awareness to realise that they didn't manage it.

I second the suggestions of a private HRT appointment. This could make a huge difference. I also wondered about some counselling to help you through this- sometimes we have fixed ideas about how we believe life should be which can make it hard either to appreciate what we have (when it doesn't match the ideal) or to make the changes we need.

Like PP, I found your description of your daughter and husband as "disappointments" hard to read and it suggested to me that you're seeing them too much in relation to your own fixed ideas of how they should be, rather than as individuals with their own lives and motivations.

I also found parts of your post quite passive- GP is unavailable, friends drift away, you're stuck WFH forever etc. You don't seem to have much sense of your own agency in these things- you can make new friendships or rekindle old ones, you can find a new job. 51 is still young- definitely not too late to make changes.

I hope this is of some use. I'd start with the HRT and some counselling.

I think maybe you need to reframe things here? Seeing DD as going through a tough time, rather than being a 'disappointment' - as people have said, she's still very young and can turn things around; it feels a bit as though you are projecting your own disappointment at your life onto her.

Have you ever heard of the concept 'differentiation of self'? I recommend looking into it - could be helpful with the family and relationship thoughts you described.

Your GP is open and seeing patients. Try again for an earlier appointment.

You can also self-refer for counselling. Google counselling + your local area in S London. The wait will be long but you can make a start.

There are some digital GP services you can also access. I don't know what the cost is for one-offs or subscriptions but you mentioned you are doing ok financially.

Can you access some coaching or mentoring for work so you can see a better future there?

You sound low and tired 💐

P.S. It's never too late!

Did you feel like this before covid?

I’m also experiencing dark feelings and think covid + menopause might be behind it. At least I hope there is a good reason.

For example, I got suddenly worried just yesterday that I might be a complete failure and terrible person. Like perhaps I’ve been blind to my true self until now. I don’t remember feeling like this before. The past 2 years have been so draining.

Hippilong you sound like you are quite depressed yourself which is understandable given what you have written about where your life is at present. My DDs therapist calls it awfulising when we get to the point of it all just getting too much.

I think there is a lot that can be done to make some tweaks here and to change how things are but I do think you need therapy even if it is just to emote and to get a chance to genuinely and non judgementally discuss how you are feeling which can almost be impossible in real life because people start getting defensive and offering advice when you are in a place where you need to express yourself.

My youngest DS has ASD and is likely to be very dependent on us much later in life than his sisters who although likely one has ASD too see is not nearly as affected as her brother. That won’t be a failing of his, that just is the way of it and in a different way it is maybe the same for your DD because of her metal health issues. So while you are feeling disappointed at the moment and overwhelmed with supporting her, with some support yourself you might be able to find other ways through that and move on from that disappointment.

You are right by the way disappointment is just an emotion, you are allowed to feel it. The important thing though is that your disappointment doesn’t translates to your DD as it might exaggerate her own feelings of shame (particularly) and guilt and make her feel worse about her own situation which might paralyse her and be unhelpful to both of you in the longer term.

In your marriage you have to decide if the good outweighs the bad but maybe not until you have dealt with the depression because depression can cloud our decision making process so again a therapist could help with that.

This is a tough stage for you. But from the sounds of things there are very serious issues which you are managing which are seriously weighing you down rather than a life not well lived. Your emotions are telling you that you are completely overwhelmed and like every mother out there you are probably trying to pour from a completely empty cup. Mind yourself.