Deep regret in every aspect of my life, but too late to fix?

[Hippilongstocking]

I am 51 and feel like I have made a complete mess of my life. Consumed with deep regret over so many choices that seemed a good idea at the time. I have taken some gambles which just haven't worked out, and the pandemic hasn't helped any. We have had a lot of family stress over the past few years and I am burnt out.

DD (20) is a deep disappointment to me; dropped out of uni with MH issues. just doing nothing with her life and wasting her considerable talents. Yes, it is her life but I can't help feeling deep regret when I think of what she used to be.

DH is a disapppointment too. He is a good, hardworking man but I feel like I have done way too much for him and made too many sacrifices without getting enough in return. ( Maybe he feels the same way). Can't talk to him properly any more and in any case, he is burnt out on life too.

My career is a car crash thanks to too many years of SAHMing and a move to another country, and now WFH for ever which I hate.
I have very few friends- maybe 3- whom I can actually count on. All the rest have drifted away.

On the plus side, teen DS is a delight. And I have made good financial decisions and am financially secure. I have a wonderful DM but she is getting older and won't be around for ever.

I feel very disconnected with the world. Like I am floating around unmoored. So many things- reading, walking, music- that I used to enjoy do not give me pleasure any more.

My GP is not offering appointments until February and in any case, is so busy right now that I do not expect to find her very sympathetic.

I don't understand what your GP has to do with this. Have I missed something? Are you ill? You don't mention that in your OP.

@ArcOfTheCello

Have you ever heard of the concept 'differentiation of self'? I recommend looking into it - could be helpful with the family and relationship thoughts you described.

This sounds interesting. I feel conscious in my own family of origin that they're all projecting on to me, there is one perspective allowed, theirs, and they see my experience as an act of defiance or aggression I'm perpetrating against them. I also feel that sometimes my daughter gets angry with me for what she thinks (erroneously) that I'm thinking. But even if I were thinking it surely I'd be entitled to my thoughts. Surely my thoughts shouldn't be generating such rage in my daughter. And then I think, omg, is this why I'm annoyed with my parents, because of what I think they're thinking. I need a lie down and a bottle of wine.

But I'm the only one in my family that's open to thinking about any of this or learning about this.

Can you tell me more about this? Recommend a book?

I did have 2+years therapy but there wasn't anything about family dynamics which I feel is the source of a lot of the anxiety in my family.

Your own mental health sounds like the biggest issue here. I’d try and get that GP appointment. It may well be to do with the menopause.

Try not to write your dd off and see her as a disappointment. I would have been an absolute crushing disappointment to you. Messed about and underachieved at school, dropped out of college, pregnant at 18, didn’t even consider uni at that time etc. 18 years on I’m a fully functioning adult with 2 dds, a mortgage, that much sort after degree and a healthcare career. Your dd is young, maybe now is not the right time for her to study, but please don’t write her off. Support her to do what makes her happy and things will find a way of sorting themselves out.

You sound very down, which is easy to get if you feel overwhelmed. It sounds like your dd looks to you for support all the time, and supporting someone dropping out of uni and having MH issues can end up impacting on your own MH unfortunately.

I'm also thinking menopause, go to GP, get tests, get some HRT if that seems appropriate and I'm also thinking counselling, perhaps online if you can't get face to face right now. Just somewhere for you to offload and moan, and gradually your own mood and coping mechanisms might come up again.

A lot of my friends report feeling very down right now and overwhelmed by their children's problems. I think being stuck in the middle of the pandemic is starting to take its toll (I guess that's why your dd dropped out too) and we need to treat ourselves kindly, many of my friends brain fog and anxiety and depression is much much better after HRT as well.

HRT is your friend.

These feelings are really common in perimenopause. Be kind to yourself and get your hormones sorted out.

All this judgement about the OP's feelings towards her daughter feels harsh. In a thread about her regrets and choices, perhaps she meant that she has regrets about decisions she made raising her daughter? Perhaps she is actually feeling guilty, and disappointed with HERSELF, because her daughter is suffering. Is that the case, OP?

I can relate to a lot of what you've said about having no get up and go, looking at choices and their impact etc. perimenopause. And also looking at relationships with my DC and feeling drained by the years of care given to them, sometimes thankless. I started taking anti depressants in September and the change has been amazing. To my mood and feelings, yes, but also the DC respond to me differently now. I plan to stick with the pills for a few more months before switching to/adding HRT. It's a hard time of life. You need some support after supporting others for so long.

I feel for you and applaud your candour. This is an anonymous forum after all and you should feel comfortable being frank. I think many will identify with your feelings. Do try and get out for some fresh air. I’m not saying a walk will cure depression but a decent wander with a stop for a hot drink gives you headspace and perhaps a change of perspective. Sending good wishes your way.

God OP, the past couple of years have been tough on even the most optimistic of us! And this is a time of year when people do tend to struggle a bit more too. Cut yourself some slack. As others have said, get that private medical appointment to sort out some HRT, it will probably help you massively. That will then make the other things seem a bit more bearable.

As I see it crosby OP has come here because she is seeking help. She isn't telling her daughter to her face that she's a disappointment. She is venting to anonymous strangers. She is trying to be honest. That's not being unkind. It's why people are suggesting counselling and medical help, so that OP can get help to change her perspective. I can see why her post has touched a nerve with you - it did with me too.

I recognize the feeling- it's the feeling you gave so much of yourself, as women often do, to their children and to their husbands/partners, often at the expense of their own wellbeing, health and careers, and finding out it might not have been worth all the sacrifice. That's why I'm a tiny bit selfish if I'm honest, and work on my own career and interests now, because I think if you pour yourself into others, problems often come when those others don't do the things or think the things you think they should.

I'm sure the OP has helped her dd with MH problems, my feeling is probably too much which is she is now resentful- it's not too late to reset this feeling though OP, and HRT/hormones and counselling/therapy are two ways me and my friends around the same age have found do help.

@Leaveitonthefloordrobe

Does menopause really cause this? I've always been a "not confident in my decisions" type of person but now my regrets consume me. From the house I live in to the school my child goes to. Dh gets the brunt of most of it and, yes, I have regrets about marrying him at the moment too. I just feel deeply unhappy with everything in my life. I'm 44. Sorry you're feeling this way, op.

I think too many people (and definitely male GPs) underestimate the menopause and its effects, focussing only on the physical aspects. There are all kinds of psychological aspects bound up with our bodies screaming at us that we aren't getting any younger, that our reproductive years are gone, that we have now lived more than half our lives, etc. It forces us to look back on our lives and this can cause sorrow and melancholy. HRT is amazing and everyone should consider it for bone density if nothing else. Completely get what OP is saying and sharing on this anonymous forum.

Sympathy with you OP, I have had similar feelings about my own 'loneliness'. Everyone else seems to be going about purposely.
Also DCs dropping out of Uni.
It was confirmed that I had depression. I was prescribed treatment.
That was a relief. I had something wrong with me. It wasn't that I was thick. The treatment also helped and I am off all treatment and cured as long as I pace myself and disconnect when things get too much. Especially I learned to say "NO, sorry I can't help with that or that person." It left me being more effective on what I did take on.
It is not easy getting the right service or treatment. But plug on till you do.

Oestrogen is the caring hormone. It starts depleting as you approach middle age. I’m leaving this here, maybe it’ll help someone else.

Feeling low (not depressed as such, just meh)
Not finding joy in anything.
Joint/bone pain
Waking up at 3 am, lack of sleep
Weird bouts of feeling hot at night, enough to wake up up and keep you awake.
Hair falling out in clumps
Really dry eyes/vagina/mouth
Brain fog/forgetfulness
Piling on weight in spite of exercising like mad/watching what I eat.
Weird anxiety, like being worried to drive at night.
Nothing fucking fits anymore.
Look dead/pasty without a smidge of make up/colour- like, the colours that always suited you don’t suit anymore
Can’t focus for long
Impatient/short tempered

I have/had all of the above. Each symptom piled on top of an already stressful career that’s not going anywhere anymore, a teen DD, an abusive exH, a very hard work partner, you know the scenario, nothing new. I thought I was losing my mind.

I’m on HRT. Very early days, I started on Christmas Eve. There’s something shifting, slowly, but it is shifting.

I had a telephone consultation, and perhaps just the GP going: yup, classic symptoms, you’re perimenopausal , not crazy, I think you should take some oestrogen, I’ll drop you a prescription at the pharmacy today, you’ll be fine, was all that I needed to start pulling myself together a bit.

OP, you sound like me. Call the GP.

I’m the same age as you and I am considering HRT. I think it is very common in peri menopause / menopause to feel completely disconnected from life and unhappy. I don’t regret my life choices necessarily but realise that after years of looking after people and putting everyone else’s needs first I feel worn down. Some of my friends with similar feelings have started HRT and it has really helped. I also try and be grateful for the little things and look for positives if I can, not always easy when my hormones are raging but try and find things I enjoy doing and taking time for myself when I can. Best of luck and don’t be too hard on yourself.

I could almost have guessed your age from the title of your thread, OP. Early 50s can be harsh. We’re dealing with so many things (children growing up and away, elderly parents, menopause) plus we’re very conscious of how much of life is behind us. Frankly , I’m amazed how women manage it all and hormones. I do believe this is the time of life when our unfinished business comes and gives us a sharp prod and tells us it wants our attention. Talking therapies can be helpful for those things, as can identifying what you’d be doing differently if you could and then thinking about what that tells you. We’ve all just lived through a time of isolation and fear, and that’s going to amplify any underlying problems a hundred-fold. Living with the brunt of someone’s depression is bloody hard work, and if the disappointment at your daughter is tinged with some anger as well, that’s understandable. I wonder, too, if you’re disappointed in how things are in your relationship with her? You say she’s wasting her talents, and that must really sting if you’re going through a stage of questioning your own decisions. Is there a talent you’ve yet to explore in yourself? Could you take steps in the New Year?

Op you mention financial security in your update and say it was hard won.

And in your op you say you are financially secure? But that you have taken risks that haven't worked out.

Has a family business, or your, or your dh's job has been very detrimental to family life?

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way @Hippilongstocking, it must feel awful. Everything can look bleak when we are feeling low.
Personally, I would try to look objectively at your issues.
Firstly, there are already many positives and sometimes just writing these down does help: you have a family, a lovely son & mum. You have a partner & daughter too and you are financially secure. You have friends. You are relatively young at 51 and have plenty of time ahead of you to make some changes/ improve things.
From your post and the replies, you are tending to stray down the path of finding "a problem for every solution."
Imagine a friend is presenting with your problems, what would you suggest or advise?
Health: menopause is quite frequently misunderstood or mismanaged by health professionals/GPs unfortunately. Look at Dr Louise Newson's website or Balance app and see if any of the symptoms resonate with you. Menopause is a strange one with a random collection of symptoms that don't always add up until you see them listed together. It can definitely include low mood, lack of motivation, depression and feeling generally p'd off with things. Also, do prioritise contacting the doctor as your health is just as valid as someone else's. Can you do an e consult via the GPs website page? That seems to be the best way of getting a response in current times, I have found. Also, look up treatments for the menopause via NICE guidelines (look on Menopause page on Mumsnet here as they are at the top). HRT is now very safe and accessible for so many women - don't let the GP fob you off. Look up Menopause on Instagram or Facebook to see the experiences & huge successes that women have had with it.
Re your daughter, I know it can be so hard to see someone you live suffering with MH problems. It can be very draining trying to support them & improve things for them but to some extent, your job as her mum is to be there for the support and to hopefully enable her to work through this herself. I have been in a similar position to you and it makes us feel helpless seeing them being unwell and I imagine you feel she is missing out on things/opportunities. How I've dealt with this is to think, if they had cancer, would I feel the same? I think you would be justified in asking for some support or yourself, in order to support daughter, via counselling/talking therapies. Just for context, many many students struggle with MH issues at university and there are processes to support them returning to their studies and that includes students who have been very unwell too. Please do not lose hope, there are solutions and possibilities available here, you just need to be able to see them. I know that this is difficult when you don't feel great in yourself.
Re your partner, I would say don't give up hope. You've all been through a lot as a family, so why not sit down with him & explain how you're feeling & say what you're struggling with. Ask if he feels the same? Sometimes, we push each other away as we deal with the same problems.
Remember also, your darling son is growing up in the middle of this. Are there any fun things or activities that you can do with him today to cheer yourself up? Is there a film you could watch at the cinema? I often find lots of benefits from doing the small things that have a positive influence on our day & it gives us nice/funny experiences to talk about later. We are going to restart our "jar of joy" tomorrow where we write down at least 2 things each a week that makes us laugh/smile/grateful for. We will open & read them next New Year's Eve. Again, these can be silly, daft or serious things.
Tomorrow we are driving to the coast to walk on the beach 🥶 and to just get out of the house. Having a focus for the day often helps to lift those glum feelings on NYD.
I hope things soon improve for you OP.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I would try to find acceptance around your daughter and her choices. The past is history and there is nothing we can do to change it. It is better to focus on the here and now, what can you do to have a good day, today.

I'm sorry your feeling this way but there's a lot of positives you can't see. Having 3 good friends is better than a hundred useless ones. You can always try and reconnect with others. Please try and be supportive of your daughter. I was in a similar position at her age and only made it out with the love and support of my parents. You have your family and your health maybe look into a career change and a different doctor. Wishing you all the best 💗

Reflect on what you can do to improve yourself. Posting here is a start. You can't base your happiness on other people or blame them for your unhappiness, that will get you nowhere and will damage personal relationships in the long term.

You're very lucky to have good finances - use them wisely to improve your own life and that of your family. Private medical appointment / counselling for your and daughter?

Apart from menopause, you sound like you are bored

Can you make a list of things that YOU want to do in 2022 & do them, plan & action
Start a new hobby
Book a short break away
Start some exercise
Learn something new
Go somewhere new
Volunteer
Do something for charity
Etc

Life will drift by if you don't plan

Nearly 20 more years of working, unless you can afford to retire early ? Are you financially secure

If you don't like WFH change it or do things out of the home, when you are not working

Goodluck

When DC are at school teachers tell them and us that they can do anything they choose, CEO of big company or Surgeon or Prime Minister. Sometimes we, the parents believe it more than do the kids themselves. When they don't achieve this standard we become disillusioned and slightly resentful. Of the small 6th form at our school (years ago), there were 6 who received OxBridge Offers. Where are they now?
Some did not accept, one did not go any Uni. Only one did better than ordinary.

Your Daughter is only twenty, she has plenty of time to turn her life around and you can be a positive role model by showing her this. You've had a family, raised children, lived abroad and are financially sound... if you're unhappy in your marriage sit down and talk and figure out how to move forwards.

@jamie83

When DC are at school teachers tell them and us that they can do anything they choose, CEO of big company or Surgeon or Prime Minister. Sometimes we, the parents believe it more than do the kids themselves. When they don't achieve this standard we become disillusioned and slightly resentful. Of the small 6th form at our school (years ago), there were 6 who received OxBridge Offers. Where are they now? Some did not accept, one did not go any Uni. Only one did better than ordinary.

Yes teachers have to tell students they can achieve anything and everything. Plus the kids absorb the glossy side of social media and 'positive vibes only' and believe they will be the next Elon Musk/Steve Jobs or influencer. It must come crashing down hard when they realise that's not going to happen.

((Hugs)) @Hippilongstocking

I get it too. Similar situation family wise. Some disappointments with life and yes I am just over 50yo.

I’ve read all the stuff about peri and menopause. I’ve looked at ‘improving myself’ (wtf), me being bored and whatnot.

The reality for me is that none of it actually hit the spot.

My own analysis is that we, as women, arrive at that age when you realise you’ve given your all for others but not for yourself. You’ve raised children and sometimes it’s not the resounding success you were told it would be (if you do A and B, eg be a SAHM etc…) You’ve supported your DH doing what he needed/wanted. You’ve tried your best to be everything. A great mum who is a SAHM whilst at the same time having this brilliant career we are ALSO supposed to have.

And then you realise you’ve forgotten yourself and who you really are. I know that I also arrived at the point where my own goals, what was important to me, just hadn’t happened because they took the back seat every time. For me, it’s my business, my own spiritual journey and a few other ‘big’ things.

I’m not sure what the answer is but, for me, part of it is to reclaim MY time. To put myself at the centre of my life instead of putting everyone else there first. Because no one will do that for me. And I want to the next 30 years to be about me.