Help with dd diet and exercise plan

[Alakazam8]

Dd is 12 and has additional needs (Asd)
She needs to loose some weight.
I will give as much info as possible about her diet and exercise and would really appreciate ideas about what changes I can make.
Breakfast- golden syrup flavour porridge, half a sachet with semi skimmed milk, 8 grapes or strawberries, diluted apple juice half water half juice

Snack at school- fruit eg whole apple, while tangerine etc

Lunch- school lunch mainly, have asked school to discretely reduce her portion size and she has the pudding one one day a week, other days a yogurt.
Snack- fruit, fruit tea no added sugar
Dinner- a home cooked meal eg salmon and noodles, pasta bake, curry and rice always with extra veg. Bought dd a smaller plate to focus on portion control but not sure this has worked as well as I hoped. Would love to know how much your 12 year olds eat as I wonder if it’s down to portion control.
Dd usually has dessert or cake and recognise this is something I can cut out straight away
Drinks fruit tea, water dilute fruit juice

Exercise at least 30 mins per day recorded on tracker & swimming x2, dancing x1 and often go out on her scooter. Feel like I could change things here but don’t know how much. She can be reluctant to exercise and reg comes home from school with no exercise recorded on her tracker

She really enjoys food and has a complex history which makes it traumatic for her to not know about the food she will be having each day, fear of being without food.

What am I doing wrong or what changes can I make.

Thanks if you’ve read all this and are willing to help…

She doesn't seem to be eating much at all. I am not sure how half a sachet of porridge is sustaining her in anyway through the morning.

Have you been advised that she has to lose weight or have you decided she should? At that age girls often gain a bit of weight as hormones kick in. It then goes as they get taller. How overweight is she?

Do you have any sort of meal planner? My friend has a big one on the kitchen wall and lists meals and snacks for the days on it, her DS also has worries around food and finds it a lot easier to know what's to eat in advance. Seems to work for them, her diet seems fine and exercise.

I didn’t think she is overeating either. Hence needing to post. I have been told she needs to lose weight and she is overweight according to nhs website too.

God, that sounds like a minefield. Just how overweight is she? That doesn't sound like that much food as it is.

If you're cutting portion sizes at lunch and dinner and buying her special plates, then that's a lot of change all at once. Because she has ASD and a complex history (might be helpful to mention vaguely what?), you really run the risk of further eating disorders here.

I can only speak for myself and the other autistic people I know, but exercise as a child was horrible. Sweaty, out of control, not as good as other people. I had to learn what I liked myself really. Can you walk more on a daily basis? Get her a Fitbit to let her see a step count? (Although again this can become an obsession.)

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me will come along in a minute but it sounds healthy in that there's not much processed stuff . There is quite a lot of sweet flavours though, so I wonder about cutting out the fruit juice with fruit tea if she likes it, so she grows to like less sugary stuff? I can't think of any healthy savoury snacks!

Also what about doing a menu for the week if she gets anxious about unpredictable food?

How does she get to school - could that be her exercise eg someone cycles or goes by scooter with her?

I have a weekly meal planner yes and dd knows what snacks she is allowed

It’s the carbs. If you eat 1500 calories from carbs, it is a totally different metabolic impact than 1500 calories from protein.

Put her on a lower carb diet.

I not an expert but I would increase her protein and give slightly less carbs ( and what carbs she has replace with wholegrain, lower GI, for example brown rice and pasta).
I find if I eat less refined carbs I'm not so hungry. For example breakfast full fat Greek yogurt with berries or porridge made with steel cut oats topped with grated apple.
Also eggs are really filling etc.
Have you asked if you could be referred to a dietitian?

She is bussed into school each day

What carbs would you cut- doesn’t eat much bread etc. Will be referred to a dietitian in jan if not reduced much but want to try myself first

Firstly I think you are being too controlling. If she has as you have said, complex issues with food then she may need professional support in order to help her. Her breakfast is not sufficient to keep her going. Also giving her a smaller plate only highlights things to her in a way that is not positive. Stop checking her fitness tracker, at that age fitness should be fun and not stressful. She is still growing and her body shape will change over the next few years. I would be interested to know how over weight you think she is. What you do now around positive body information will stay with her for years, so tread lightly.

Changes haven’t been all at once but gradual over time, since summer. She has a Fitbit too

Glad to hear you’re seeing a dietician as that would be my advice. Children are so susceptible to eating disorders / low self-esteem it’s really important to get this right. A few pounds overweight but confident and happy is preferable to a healthy weight but unhappy.

I would cut carbs too much but replace some of the fruit snacks with lower carb veg
Interesting article here

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/low-glycemic-diet#other-benefits
Also calories matter as sometimes you don't realise how many you can tot up from just fruit.
You could try keeping a track on MyFitnessPal for example.

*would not

Thanks @mumonthehill I don’t really check her tracker but she shares it with me. I was encouraging her to do at least 30 mins per day but could back off from that.
The plate was done in a very positive way, dd loves certain characters and is those characters so she will choose to use that one over other plates.
Dd has a very complex relationship with food so I am treading lightly.
I worry about being too controlling but there are reasons why she needs this and am trying to tread lightly and positively about it.
What would you suggest for an alternative breakfast?

Does she know she's on a diet?

I work in this field and I have to ask, if she's got a special plate, does the rest of the family also have them or is it just her being singled out?

That’s great about my fitness pal- will use that a couple of times

No she’s not aware she’s on a diet but talks about healthy/unhealthy quite a bit

Breakfast I would do eggs, omelettes, scramble with a slice of wholemeal bread

Lunch if school dinner then that's mostly in the hands of the caterers.

Dinner - the whole family needs to be on board with making better choices. Protein centered, low carb and packed out with plenty of veg. Sauces should be tomato based rather than cheese or cream. Be mindful of oils.

Dessert should not be necessary and should be viewed as an occasioval treat.

Who told you she needs to lose weight? What weight and height is she?
I mean half a sachet of porridge and 8 grapes isn't much.

Maybe it’s not an issue but could be worth having her thyroid checked - can cause weight gain and tiredness / not wanting to exercise

I was that child. I got gradually fatter throughout my teens and adulthood until I was morbidly obese with a BMI of something around 45 when I was 45 years old. I did manage then to turn it around myself and now have a healthy weight and good exercise.

My ASD was undiagnosed until I was 40ish.

I can't tell you what will work for your 12yo OP but I know that a major factor for me which set me on a 30+ year path of unhealthy eating was my mother's controlling interference and portion control that left me really hungry and upset.

For a large number of years whenever I tried to diet my mental health took a dive and the hunger translated to self loathing and a desire to self harm. I decided that if I had to choose between mental and physical health then mental health was more important.

I think that far more important than any diet plan is making sure that your daughter knows that you love her and are on her side no matter what she does or what size she is. Make sure you say this explicitly, regularly.

Never have any rewards for good behaviour and outcomes that are food based, and never deprive pudding/treats as a consequence for bad behaviour.

Nurturing her emotional wellbeing should be your top priority, more important than the (also important) peoject to support her losing weight. But she cannot embark on the weight loss journey without a solid support of emotional and mental wellbeing existing first. When she is psychologically strong enough to choose to address her weight issue, she needs to be in the driving seat with you supporting and facilitating. You cannot be the one in control, you will only make things worse.

She needs to find a snack food that she's allowed to eat in unlimited quantities. Things like raw mushrooms and carrot sticks that have too few calories in them for it to matter how much she eats. What that is needs to be her decision, not something that you push onto her. There needs to be something that she can have as much as she likes whenever she likes or any diet plan will fail.

She also needs to find a form of exercise that she actively enjoys. The one most important thing you can do to support this if she has developed breasts is to get her a really good firm and supportive sports bra. Having unsupported breasts flapping around was a major contributor to me hating exercise at that age and I didn't even know that sports bras existed at the time (to be fair maybe they didn't in the late 80s!)

The school nurse told me she needs to lose some and I’m aware she’s bigger than other kids her age.
Unfortunately she won’t eat eggs on their own/ in omelettes at all, was allergic to them when younger so wouldn’t eat them.
I keep carbs to a small amount and use whole meal where possible- would you cut carbs completely from evening meal. Can cut desserts no problem there

@Alakazam8 I do feel how difficult it is, but I was also your daughter and my mother did not tread lightly and I have had life long issues with food. My ds was much bigger than his peers at 12 and I just introduced healthy meals and we did family exercise. He grew tall and it all evened out in the end. If she has issues with food then do take specialist advice. Create healthy habits if you can and involve her with food making.