How do I deal with boyfriends needy family?

[Fannyproblemos]

My boyfriend and I have met in our early 40s and we’re blissfully happy. :)

Only problem is... I’ve always been laid back and independent with a vibrant social life and good relationships with my family, without living in each other’s pockets.
His family on the other hand are incredible close knit which is sweet. But... maybe due to an absent father, his mother and 3 sisters are verrrry needy. And have now started emotionally black mailing him and upsetting him if he fails to visit them every other weekend as demanded by them. We live an hours drive away and work hard, so this is 50% of our free time.
I think it’s because they don’t have a social life themselves, and are VERY family orientated.
I like them and want to foster good relations. But also don’t want to completely change my lifestyle. It feels like every time I see them they’re not satisfied and demanding to book the next date in.

I feel blessed to have met each other and think we both deserve freedom to enjoy each other and spend our weekends largely how we like. How do I stop these needy family members? As one sister has been crying, screaming, demanding for more love and attention for him? Bit crazy considering he is lovely and caring.

Anyone else had a similar thing? If so, how did you deal with it? HELP. It’s in danger of ruining our happiness, and he deserves to be happy 😊

My DCs are adults around these ages, I see them maybe 3 times a year max - they aren't huge distances away. But they can whatsapp, txt, phone whatever - why would they give up their hard earned weekend every other week to spend time with poor old me. Ridiculous. I'm doing my own stuff.

My husband is like this with his family. I won't lie, it's hard. We have two young children but he in my opinion puts his parents first a lot of the time. He sees them at least once a week (I don't go anymore), he rings them or them him every day. He even has to message them to let them know he is home. He goes round every Christmas Eve to give his Mam flowers leaving me with the kids even though we have to have them round every Christmas Day. It's tiresome and in a lot of cases upsets and makes me cross. You need to figure out if he wants to reduce the time spent with them and if not then I'd honestly think carefully about what you want

I’ll be firm but fair and push back a little I think.

I wouldn't do that if I were you. He needs to make the changes, or their anger at the changes in the relationship will be focused towards you. He fulfills a clear emotional need for them, changing that will not be easy.

Are none of the sisters in relationships?

I think this is down to your BF. If he wants to carry on seeing his family once a fortnight that's up to him. You can just join occassioanlly and use the time for seeing other friends.

@676gg

So if we out this in reverse - how many women see thir sisters and mums every other week? Is it seen as weird and wrong or just sweet. In fact, if we did a straw poll, I think it would come out as pretty normal behavior. If its too much for you, why can't your DH see them during the week for an evening?

I see my mum regularly but she's not screaming and crying down the phone at me. Nor is she dependent on me for anything and I don't give her money.

This is a different level to just being a close family.

You either accept it as part of the relationship it you don't and you break up. It's unlikely to change

I think 1 visit a fortnight isn't really that much tbh. Although the behavior from the family isn't acceptable.

What does he think?

676gg

So if we out this in reverse - how many women see thir sisters and mums every other week? Is it seen as weird and wrong or just sweet. In fact, if we did a straw poll, I think it would come out as pretty normal behavior.

I agree with this, why can't you just go with him once every 4 weeks and do your own thing on the in-between day he goes alone, surely you need time to catch up with friends. Or do you spend all your free time together?

You expect DCs to grow up and go out in the world and find their own way. It's quite unusual for the relationship with a partner and DCs of your own to be replaced by a continuing relationship with your DPs.

But we feel like it’s his time to enjoy life now

Are you absolutely sure that this is how he feels? Because, if so, then let him crack on and let him family know they are going to be seeing a lot less of him.

The issue might of course be that at least some part of him somehow agrees with them. It only gets tricky if you and he do not completely agree. Good luck.