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Original poster

My partner hates my sons girlfriend

96 replies

pjp1974 · 28/12/2021 13:13

Background, my partner of 9 years moved in with me and my teenage boys 4 years ago. During this time his kids have stayed with use over school holidays (that's all the court order permitted because of the distance they are away from us) and I have always treated them well, supported them and also him when he's been having a rough time - with anything. Not just his kids who now rarely even pick up the phone to him, but with his family, health, job as well as working full time, keeping the house half decent, doing all laundry and shopping. Everything. And I've never asked for anything in return other than a quiet life.

3 months ago my son got his first girlfriend and to say it's pretty full on would be an understatement. He's head over heels, absolutely smitten. And it's wonderful to see him happy as he's not been the jolliest of kids so far.

The problem is my partner hates my sons girlfriend, just the sight, sound and thought of her sets him off, having a go at me about it. He wants to control the amount of time they spend together (to me as long as no school/college work suffers it's ok to see each other most days) to just weekends. There's no way I'd even think about imposing that on the love birds. He thinks she's too 'in your face' and yes she is chattier than we're used to but she's a nice girl and she makes my boy happy. I've also noticed that my partner barely speaks to my son now but will spend ages chatting away to my oldest as though they are best mates.

I can't tell you just how uncomfortable he's making things for me and I'm sure my son and gf are far from oblivious to it. I feel like I can't leave the house when they are all in incase there is an argument.

My partner is very difficult to talk to about 'problems' as he twists everything to make it seem as though I'm having a go at him, that he's at fault every time which has always made me back down from difficult conversations to avoid conflict. This time I can't do that as it's impacting on my relationships with both my partner and my son.

Any advice?

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 28/12/2021 13:15

Tell him to grow the fuck up?

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 28/12/2021 13:15

Pack your partners bags and chuck them out on the lawn

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/12/2021 13:17

None of his business, really, is it?

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Relationship problems
MargosKaftan · 28/12/2021 13:17

Sorry that wasn't very helpful. He just sounds incredibly difficult. Shes done nothing wrong, just not been his choice. Well your son likes her and his school work isn't negatively effected. What's the problem- first love rarely lasts, so he acts like an adult, is polite and stops being childish.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 13:20

Well, he’s a dick? Honestly, just tell him no and that he can learn to be polite.

One thing tho, it is his home so if gf is there a lot maybe you can encourage the couple to go out. Not gf go away on her own.

Chamomileteaplease · 28/12/2021 13:20

You don't paint a very nice picture of your partner - the man you are making your teenage boys share a house with Sad.

You need to believe in yourself - you have every right to talk about difficult issues with your partner.

My partner is very difficult to talk to about 'problems' as he twists everything to make it seem as though I'm having a go at him, that he's at fault every time which has always made me back down from difficult conversations to avoid conflict

This is very worrying and unhealthy.

I hope you can use this thread to get the courage to talk to your partner and he will either leave, or treat your sons and the girlfriend with respect. Anyone who causes an atmosphere is a nightmare.

Original poster
pjp1974 · 28/12/2021 13:21

MargosKaftan This is exactly what I've been trying to communicate to him. It's not sinking in though.

OP posts:
xxxllbxxx · 28/12/2021 13:22

None of his business and sounds odd. You can do better tbh if he can't communicate properly !

Original poster
pjp1974 · 28/12/2021 13:23

Personanongarter - they do go out a fair bit and when their in they rarely come out of his room unless it's to make food. Today she'd been here for 4 hours before he even noticed, as soon as he did he got the hump and started stomping around and slamming doors.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 28/12/2021 13:24

What joy does he bring to your life even his own children don't like him much why do you?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 28/12/2021 13:24

It is none of his business who your son dates! What is his actual problem? This sounds so petty

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2021 13:25

How old are they?

PocketPenny · 28/12/2021 13:26

Your partner's reaction is very odd! He doesn't like her because she's chatty?

4thtimethecharm · 28/12/2021 13:27

I don't know what would bother me more: unequal treatment between siblings, overstepping his role as step father, or being impolite to a young guest (the girlfriend). All of them are unacceptable behaviours, that reflect bad on him and could have long-term effects for family dynamics and young people's self-esteem. You 100% need to speak up.

ChaToilLeam · 28/12/2021 13:27

Your partner is an arse, that’s the problem. Even his own kids rarely talk to him, it’s not hard to figure out why. You’ve set the bar very, very low.

FrippEnos · 28/12/2021 13:28

IMO it sounds like he is jealous of not being the centre of attention anymore.

XxeexX · 28/12/2021 13:32

I think you need to tell him to do one! His own sons don’t speak to him and I wonder why?…. Sounds controlling to me, your child should always come before any partner regardless of how long you’ve been together! I think you need to have this conversation with him regardless if it creates a big drama. At the end of the day it’s your sons life not his!

TwilightSkies · 28/12/2021 13:35

He sounds horrible and selfish.
It was your sons home long before you moved your partner in, and your son deserves to be happy and comfortable in his own home.

BackBackBack · 28/12/2021 13:36

Is he always a complete dickhead?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship, if you're the one doing the emotional support, and the day to day grind? What exactly does he do for you?

Puffalicious · 28/12/2021 13:38

Total man-child. You sound like a caring, practical, measured mum by acknowledging that first love is intense and as long as it's not affecting anyone should be embraced. We all know it rarely lasts and you're enjoying your boy being happy- like a good parent does.

What is his problem? Does she remind him of his ex, perhaps? If so, who bloody cares? It's NONE of his business.

My DS had a first girlfriend at 15/16 for just over a year. We knew it wouldn't last forever but whilst it did last we welcomed her and treated her like any other visitor- with respect, kindness and interest. She was lovely which helps enormously, but if she had not been my cup of tea I would just have bit my lip and let my son get on with it. My DH is not my son's father and he was exactly the same.

What is he like with your boys' friends?

Holidaypls2022 · 28/12/2021 13:43

It's a really strange reaction to a young girl that has apparently done nothing wrong and makes your son happy. I'd be very curious as to what his actual reasons are??
And they will definitely notice sooner or later, if they haven't already. Doesn't sound like he's being discreet.

JennyForeigner · 28/12/2021 13:46

This is weird to the point of being creepy. I think you have to be careful here OP, as the message your son gets from you at such a sensitive age will set the tone for your relationship with him in adulthood. I know you are on his side, but you have to be vocally so - including giving your DP an ultimatum if he can't respect your son and his choices.

Hawkins001 · 28/12/2021 13:47

@pjp1974

Background, my partner of 9 years moved in with me and my teenage boys 4 years ago. During this time his kids have stayed with use over school holidays (that's all the court order permitted because of the distance they are away from us) and I have always treated them well, supported them and also him when he's been having a rough time - with anything. Not just his kids who now rarely even pick up the phone to him, but with his family, health, job as well as working full time, keeping the house half decent, doing all laundry and shopping. Everything. And I've never asked for anything in return other than a quiet life.

3 months ago my son got his first girlfriend and to say it's pretty full on would be an understatement. He's head over heels, absolutely smitten. And it's wonderful to see him happy as he's not been the jolliest of kids so far.

The problem is my partner hates my sons girlfriend, just the sight, sound and thought of her sets him off, having a go at me about it. He wants to control the amount of time they spend together (to me as long as no school/college work suffers it's ok to see each other most days) to just weekends. There's no way I'd even think about imposing that on the love birds. He thinks she's too 'in your face' and yes she is chattier than we're used to but she's a nice girl and she makes my boy happy. I've also noticed that my partner barely speaks to my son now but will spend ages chatting away to my oldest as though they are best mates.

I can't tell you just how uncomfortable he's making things for me and I'm sure my son and gf are far from oblivious to it. I feel like I can't leave the house when they are all in incase there is an argument.

My partner is very difficult to talk to about 'problems' as he twists everything to make it seem as though I'm having a go at him, that he's at fault every time which has always made me back down from difficult conversations to avoid conflict. This time I can't do that as it's impacting on my relationships with both my partner and my son.

Any advice?

All the best op, but if the gf is out the way anyway why does your partner have a strop ?
RonniePickering · 28/12/2021 13:48

That's pretty bizarre behaviour, and not his place at all to act like a dick.

SmallElephant · 28/12/2021 13:49

Your partner is not coming out of this well at all, OP. The bit about him stomping around slamming doors just because she is in the house makes him sound like a gigantic toddler.