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Original poster

My partner hates my sons girlfriend

96 replies

pjp1974 · 28/12/2021 13:13

Background, my partner of 9 years moved in with me and my teenage boys 4 years ago. During this time his kids have stayed with use over school holidays (that's all the court order permitted because of the distance they are away from us) and I have always treated them well, supported them and also him when he's been having a rough time - with anything. Not just his kids who now rarely even pick up the phone to him, but with his family, health, job as well as working full time, keeping the house half decent, doing all laundry and shopping. Everything. And I've never asked for anything in return other than a quiet life.

3 months ago my son got his first girlfriend and to say it's pretty full on would be an understatement. He's head over heels, absolutely smitten. And it's wonderful to see him happy as he's not been the jolliest of kids so far.

The problem is my partner hates my sons girlfriend, just the sight, sound and thought of her sets him off, having a go at me about it. He wants to control the amount of time they spend together (to me as long as no school/college work suffers it's ok to see each other most days) to just weekends. There's no way I'd even think about imposing that on the love birds. He thinks she's too 'in your face' and yes she is chattier than we're used to but she's a nice girl and she makes my boy happy. I've also noticed that my partner barely speaks to my son now but will spend ages chatting away to my oldest as though they are best mates.

I can't tell you just how uncomfortable he's making things for me and I'm sure my son and gf are far from oblivious to it. I feel like I can't leave the house when they are all in incase there is an argument.

My partner is very difficult to talk to about 'problems' as he twists everything to make it seem as though I'm having a go at him, that he's at fault every time which has always made me back down from difficult conversations to avoid conflict. This time I can't do that as it's impacting on my relationships with both my partner and my son.

Any advice?

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/12/2021 13:50

That very.....weird?

Is he jealous or something? What interest would a normal man gave in his stepsons teenage girlfriend?

Red flags all over it.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 28/12/2021 13:51

Why do his kids have no contact with him?

Why does it not bother you that they don’t?

Is your partner this controlling to you too?

If you just want a “quiet life”, why have this difficult unsupportive man in it?

HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2021 13:52

It's a really strange reaction to a young girl that has apparently done nothing wrong and makes your son happy. I'd be very curious as to what his actual reasons are

Me too.

Today she'd been here for 4 hours before he even noticed, as soon as he did he got the hump and started stomping around and slamming doors

That’s ridiculous and unacceptable.

Don’t pussy-foot around anymore. Tell him his behaviour is ridiculous and unacceptable.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

Dozer · 28/12/2021 13:53

Your partner sounds awful in general: he’s just displaying this in another new way.

Zilla1 · 28/12/2021 13:53

It sounds like an opportunity to rebase your relationship with your DP if he makes things difficult for you to raise issues with him and you all live in your home. He needs to be an adult who need to generally rub along with the families' partners. If he is unable to do this basic adult function then perhaps you need to tell him you realise how uncomfortable he seems when your DS' GF is around and you can't bear to see him so uncomfortable so you will be reviewing the living arrangements.

Good luck.

Snuggledupforwinter · 28/12/2021 13:54

Might he be jealous of their closeness and a realisation that your son is maturing into an adult within "his" domain? Or maybe he feels he can't relax in the home if she's always there? It sounds like he struggles to express himself but if he can't vocalise his issue and address his feelings then the situation will drive a wedge between your son and him and you may feel like you have to choose between them.

Immaculatemisconception · 28/12/2021 13:55

Frankly @pjp1974 my advice is to end this relationship. This man has nothing going for him whatsoever. He's behaving like a complete idiot. I wouldn't be able to stand this for a single second.

Hen2018 · 28/12/2021 13:57

Why are you doing everything for your partner, like a skivvy?

Wave him bye bye.

Faevern · 28/12/2021 14:06

How old is your son and what was their relationship like before this?

Your DP should be able to articulate why he feels like he does though and then not make your DS or his GF or you feel uncomfortable.

Did you give the background in the context to show that you have made allowances for him over the years and compromised and placated him and now he won't return the favour?

Longdistance · 28/12/2021 14:20

You and your ds shouldn’t feel like you’re treading on eggshells in your own home. If he moved into mine and started throwing his weight around, he’d be out on his ear.

AppleJane · 28/12/2021 14:24

Just to play devil's advocate could it be that your DP has always been made to feel like it's your home and not his? How many years does he have to live with you and contribute to the bills to be worthy of it being both your home?

Perhaps he feels like he has no privacy. Is one of his children a daughter? It might be a painful reminder of what he's missing.

LaBellina · 28/12/2021 14:27

He sounds nasty and controlling. Also because of the last part in which you mention you can’t even have a grown up talking with him about any issues because he won’t ever accept that anything is his fault. Honestly I couldn’t live together with someone who doesn’t even have that basic respect for our relationship.

PraiseTheSunshine · 28/12/2021 14:29

@AfterSchoolWorry

That very.....weird?

Is he jealous or something? What interest would a normal man gave in his stepsons teenage girlfriend?

Red flags all over it.

My thoughts exactly! Something seems very off about his behaviour.

WednesdaysChildIsFullOfCake · 28/12/2021 14:31

Sounds like he's jealous which is quite pathetic

If this were me in this position with everything else that you've mentioned I'd be telling him to leave. You and your childrens happiness should come first and it sounds like you're pussyfooting around him and he's ruling the roost via his infantile behaviour.
Get shot of this man child

Idontlikeworms · 28/12/2021 14:38

Is he attracted to the girl and he's making out he hates her to stop anyone picking up on it??

HereticFanjo · 28/12/2021 14:39

@HeddaGarbled

It's a really strange reaction to a young girl that has apparently done nothing wrong and makes your son happy. I'd be very curious as to what his actual reasons are

Me too.

Today she'd been here for 4 hours before he even noticed, as soon as he did he got the hump and started stomping around and slamming doors

That’s ridiculous and unacceptable.

Don’t pussy-foot around anymore. Tell him his behaviour is ridiculous and unacceptable.

All of this. Does he fancy her or something? Tell him to wise the fuck up or pack his bags.

covetingthepreciousthings · 28/12/2021 14:41

@Idontlikeworms

Is he attracted to the girl and he's making out he hates her to stop anyone picking up on it??

This is what I would be thinking tbh, it's very odd behaviour!

GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas · 28/12/2021 14:43

Please treat this as the serious red flag that it is.

From the fact you’ve posted, I guess that means your radar is going off here.

Use the impetus you are feeling to take control and get away from this man ASAP.

And tell your children (now or in due course) why you did it so they can see you modelling a good approach to relationships.

Good luck.

sjxoxo · 28/12/2021 14:50

What’s the actual reason he doesn’t like her?? Is your partner very introverted? Even then it’s unreasonable behaviour on his part. It’s possible she is nervous around you as she’s new and maybe that makes her more ‘chatty’! I think you need to get to the bottom of why he specifically doesn’t like her and try and find a solution. Surely it’s not just because she is talkative xo

Butterfly44 · 28/12/2021 14:55

Your kids are your priority.

Asi1 · 28/12/2021 15:03

It sounds to me as if he likes her and that's why he's acting off/out.

Definitely sounds like he has a thing for her, he's giving her too much focus for it to move just about her being "chatty"

RobotValkyrie · 28/12/2021 15:18

Sounds like jealousy. And, IMO, a "sackable" offense. No one needs nor deserves that kind of shitty behaviour in their life.

honeyrider · 28/12/2021 15:34

Too many red flags that you shouldn't ignore. Please put your children and yourself first instead of tiptoeing around him. Even his own children barely bother with him.

Anoisagusaris · 28/12/2021 15:36

I’d say he fancies her.

Immunetypegoblin · 28/12/2021 15:40

@Anoisagusaris

I’d say he fancies her.

Definitely this.

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