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Original poster

My partner hates my sons girlfriend

96 replies

pjp1974 · 28/12/2021 13:13

Background, my partner of 9 years moved in with me and my teenage boys 4 years ago. During this time his kids have stayed with use over school holidays (that's all the court order permitted because of the distance they are away from us) and I have always treated them well, supported them and also him when he's been having a rough time - with anything. Not just his kids who now rarely even pick up the phone to him, but with his family, health, job as well as working full time, keeping the house half decent, doing all laundry and shopping. Everything. And I've never asked for anything in return other than a quiet life.

3 months ago my son got his first girlfriend and to say it's pretty full on would be an understatement. He's head over heels, absolutely smitten. And it's wonderful to see him happy as he's not been the jolliest of kids so far.

The problem is my partner hates my sons girlfriend, just the sight, sound and thought of her sets him off, having a go at me about it. He wants to control the amount of time they spend together (to me as long as no school/college work suffers it's ok to see each other most days) to just weekends. There's no way I'd even think about imposing that on the love birds. He thinks she's too 'in your face' and yes she is chattier than we're used to but she's a nice girl and she makes my boy happy. I've also noticed that my partner barely speaks to my son now but will spend ages chatting away to my oldest as though they are best mates.

I can't tell you just how uncomfortable he's making things for me and I'm sure my son and gf are far from oblivious to it. I feel like I can't leave the house when they are all in incase there is an argument.

My partner is very difficult to talk to about 'problems' as he twists everything to make it seem as though I'm having a go at him, that he's at fault every time which has always made me back down from difficult conversations to avoid conflict. This time I can't do that as it's impacting on my relationships with both my partner and my son.

Any advice?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 17:23

@Idontlikeworms

Is he attracted to the girl and he's making out he hates her to stop anyone picking up on it??

This. He fancies her.

He sounds really awful.

Your poor sons having this man foisted on him.

Your relationship sounds abusive.

You need to finally do the right thing by your children and get this pig out.

DroopyClematis · 28/12/2021 17:26

@Idontlikeworms

Is he attracted to the girl and he's making out he hates her to stop anyone picking up on it??

That's exactly what I was thinking!

Idkillforadoughnut · 28/12/2021 17:26

@TeachesOfPeaches

I think he is jealous of your son and fancies the girlfriend

Yes, this. I'd barely read the title before thinking as much. Sorry OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

AngryAtAssholes · 28/12/2021 17:27

Ooof red flags everywhere @pjp1974.

It’s likely as others have said that’s he jealous of your son/fancies the gf - that’s not a slight on you, at all. It’s just disgustingly common with a certain kind of man.

The other option is that there’s someone coming into the house he can’t control and it’s enraging him : it sounds like you are a house skivvy to keep the peace and can’t express an opinion about his shitty behaviour without being gaslit. Your son becoming happier also makes him less biddable.

Easy for us to say LTB but at the very least you need to lay down serious rules down about his behaviour towards you child and his gf.

He needs to understand his presence is not required if all he contributes is angry and misery.

Moonface123 · 28/12/2021 17:34

He is completely ruining what is a very special time, young love is a beautiful thing, l have such happy memories of that stage in my life, and its lovely to see my eldest son and his girlfriend of three years enjoying their first serious romance.
What is he trying to achieve by spoiling it, Jealously maybe ?
Your home would be alot happier without him in it.

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 18:34

to say it's pretty full on would be an understatement.

How old is your son?

Although your partner is going about it the wrong way I think he has good intentions.

You’ve said yourself that to say it’s full on is an understatement - that’s not a healthy relationship. It sounds as though he thinks she’s controlling and is looking out for your son.

If this was your DD and they were stuck in their room for hours spending all day, every day together the replies would be a lot different and they would tell you to have limits on how much time they can spend together.

bexxboo · 28/12/2021 19:35

OP- sounds like this goes a little deeper than just your partner not liking your sons girlfriend.

Do you really want a man with that kind of attitude towards you and you children living in your home?

Having a go at you m? For what?

Sorry to say but he sounds like an narcissist.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

EveningOverRooftops · 30/12/2021 00:59

@WonderfulYou

to say it's pretty full on would be an understatement.

How old is your son?

Although your partner is going about it the wrong way I think he has good intentions.

You’ve said yourself that to say it’s full on is an understatement - that’s not a healthy relationship. It sounds as though he thinks she’s controlling and is looking out for your son.

Or maybe the husband is jealous/ envious he isn’t getting that sort of full on attention and doesn’t see why a kid should get it when he doesn’t too?

RobertSmithsLipstick · 30/12/2021 01:05

He sounds very invested in a young couples' business.
I would say he is jealous that those days are in his past.
His lost youth.

KimikosNightmare · 30/12/2021 01:09

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

Pack your partners bags and chuck them out on the lawn

Agreed. Partner sounds awful from the get go- not just this.

morticia44 · 30/12/2021 02:19

Echoing many other users - please get rid of him, I had a similar situation as a teen where an adult man hated me and after a couple of years he tried it on with me. The OP rang familiar alarm bells

morticia44 · 30/12/2021 02:22

Not to suggest that's what's going on here but he is pathetic regardless to have such hatred and let himself get wound up by a teenaged girl.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 30/12/2021 03:11

I'd be worried if she was my daughter spending so much time in a home where she's not welcome

backtolifebacktoreality · 30/12/2021 03:27

It's your house and your kids. How dare your partner try to say who you can have in your house and then slam doors when he realises your son's girlfriend is there!

He sounds like a bully.

What is it about the girlfriend that your partner particularly dislikes?

Kick your rude and bullying partner out of YOUR house!

Rangoon · 30/12/2021 03:27

So he's a guest in your home on the basis that he's "your boyfriend". And he has a problem with your son's girlfriend. Does your DP pay his way, do his fair share of cooking and cleaning? I am astonished that your DP would think he was in a position to comment on your son's behaviour in the boy's own home. I feel there is something unsavoury here whether it is because he fancies the girlfriend or it's a battle for the alpha male role.

backtolifebacktoreality · 30/12/2021 03:33

Perhaps he fancies her or knows her (ie she's the daughter of an ex).

Whatever the situation, don't let your son think it's ok for men to treat his girlfriend or yourself like this. Set an example!

Unmerited · 30/12/2021 03:37

Does he fancy her? His behaviour is irrational and bizarre

Or the son. Either way, I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. Was it a happy and healthy relationship before this? I’m suspecting not. You don’t have to put up with it and your children shouldn’t have to either.

Do you know why his children don’t have contact now?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 30/12/2021 03:47

Some men get like this once their teenage step sons start growing up, I've seen it time and time again. All Billy big balls, argumentative and stroppy

If he won't stop I'd be telling him to leave. (I actually did )

FridaRose · 30/12/2021 05:13

He sounds jealous of your son. He's jealous of him spending time (and other romantic stuff) to his gf. Because he wants that for himself.

There's a reason that teenage love is bothering him this much, and it's because he fancies the girl.

whitewashing · 30/12/2021 05:30

He definitely fancies her. He’s enraged your son gets to have sex with her and he knows she just thinks of him as her boyfriends middle aged grumpy dad, that’s if she even thinks of him of at all…he knows she wouldn’t give him the time of day and he hates her for it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 00:34

as well as working full time, keeping the house half decent, doing all laundry and shopping. Everything. And I've never asked for anything in return other than a quiet life.

Why?! Why haven't you wanted more than that from him? A partner you can actually talk to who treats your children kindly and guests with respect is the absolute minimum you should expect!

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