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Original poster

Can someone tell me if I'm doing the right thing by not punishing dd?

79 replies

Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:27

NC because I don't know if my exs girlfriend is on here.

Quick backstory, dd is 13, her dad was abusive towards me, we split when she was around 6 the day he screamed at her that she should have been an abortion.

She was a very 'spirited' child, ex couldn't deal with her, stopped being a dad when his girlfriend and her dc came along and told my dc it was because she gave him an easier life as she only has 2 dc.

He has blamed me for everything including his lack of contact, but they all have their own phones and he still doesn't bother with them.

My other dc are fine and get he is just a shit parent but dd keeps trying.

He hasn't seen them for around 3 years, dd messages 3 weeks ago asking to see him, he said he would come over and get her in a couple of days. Messaged the next day saying he couldn't come anymore and would see her in January instead. She then messaged back saying she expected it anyway because he isn't a good dad, and he saw the message and blocked her.

She was devastated and we've been working things through (she has ADHD) and helping to keep her calm and get her sleep pattern back on track (it gets impacted whenever she's upset).

Clearly ex was around others on Christmas day and unblocked her to message and say merry Christmas. She told me and asked what she should say back, and I advised her to think about it and maybe message later. I didn't think any more of it until I saw her phone not long ago when my ex unblocked me and told me she was out of order and to get her sorted out (then blocked me again before I could answer).

She messaged him back "Go sick a dick, I hope you have a shit christmas xx".

Its a shocking message, and completely out of character for her. I fully get her feeling as she does, and I don't want to punish her.

I will speak to her about it, and maybe tell her the language isn't appropriate. I am a bit worried my hatred of him is the reason for my lack of punishment for her though. If she spoke to anyone else like that I would absolutely confiscate her phone at a minimum.

Can anyone help please, am I taking the right approach?

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 26/12/2021 19:30

I wouldn’t take that approach.

I would certainly say the language wasn’t appropriate and that you can’t message/email/write things down like that as, in different circumstances, you could get into trouble.

I’d then have a good chat about what upset her so much and how you can work together so it doesn’t happen again.

I wouldn’t punish someone for being upset.

Hen2018 · 26/12/2021 19:31

Sorry, I read that you WOULD take her phone! So yes, I’d do what you said.

M0rT · 26/12/2021 19:32

Honestly I want to give her a round of applause!
I'm not recommending that, and she will probably flip flop in her feelings for a few years yet before she finally moves on from him so I wouldn't go running him down to her.
But acknowledging that blocking your daughters phone is mean behaviour and you would understand if she was hurt and lashed out in anger sounds like a sensible approach to me.

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penguinwithasuitcase · 26/12/2021 19:32

She's 13 and understandably in pain. She lashed out.

I absolutely wouldn't punish her and think you're doing the right thing. If anything, I'd sayexplain to her exactly what you said here: Its a shocking message, and completely out of character for her. I fully get her feeling as she does, and I don't want to punish her , and then have a talk about different ways to process those kinds of emotions –followed by lots of comfort and love.

Poor kid. Sounds like you're doing a great job, given the circumstances. Don't doubt yourself.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 26/12/2021 19:34

Sorry OP, but that made me laugh Grin It’s the kind of message I’d have send my Dad at that age.

TheCatShatInTheHat · 26/12/2021 19:35

I wouldn't even mention it to her. I'd make sure I was there to chat to if she wanted.

Good for her.

delilahbucket · 26/12/2021 19:35

She's upset. Definitely talk about language and what to do next time she feels like that before she acts, i.e talking to you first. I wouldn't be punishing though. It's an important life skill curtailing your temper, and making her cross is not going to solve anything.

Scarydinosaurs · 26/12/2021 19:36

Poor kid. I have to say I laughed when I read that.

It’s not nice, but she’s 13 and hurting.

Just be there for her like you are doing. Sorry he is so shit 💐

GoGoGretaDoll · 26/12/2021 19:37

God poor kid. I wish, wish, WISH I'd had the means to say that to my deadbeat disappeared dad when I was 13. I imagine it was inordinately satisfying.

I think at 13 this isn't about punishment, it's about tools and techniques to manage her anger. I'd give her the whole 'I'm disappointed in you, you've let yourself down' but I wouldn't punish. I would say to her, 'the next time he messages you, I want you to come to me and give me your phone until you've worked out what to say to him.' Now I'm fully aware that might not work, but essentially it's treating her as an adult and giving her a tool to help manage her emotions.

ADHD can lead to poor impulse control, as she gets older there are going to be consequences for that so you may as well start in on techniques that will generally be helpful to her, ie giving her phone to you rather than rising to the bait.

If you're not practising good phone management - ie not taking phone upstairs to bed at night - then now would be a good time to start that too.

But I don't blame her and I wouldn't punish her. I also wouldn't punish yourself for it!

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2021 19:38

I’m generally against all forms of punishment but I’d not be ok with that At all. I’d discuss with her why that was totally unacceptable and low life and if I couldn’t get her to understand yes I’d punish.

But honestly? She should know why it’s not ok already.

TeddyTonksGirlfriend · 26/12/2021 19:39

I also laughed. Don't punish her. Tell her she's right in her sentiment but talk about better ways of dealing with it.

SlowBoiledFrog · 26/12/2021 19:39

No I wouldn't take her phone. I'd talk to her, I'd validate her feelings but say that there are different ways to deal with them. Ultimately an adult would understandably say those things. At 13 she isn't a child but I'd encourage her to outlet differently

Didiusfalco · 26/12/2021 19:40

I’m not sure taking her phone is actually a bad idea, not as a form of punishment but as a digital detox whilst she is struggling with her emotions. I would be very sympathetic in this situation, discuss her feelings and how else she could have responded. Her dad sounds like a loser who thinks parenting is optional though.

Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:40

Thank you all. I have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to him but I don't want my negativity to impact my parenting so outside opinions are very helpful.

I am completely neutral about him with my dc, the older 2 don't care and haven't spoken to him in 5 years, my 11yo is totally hardened towards him, she is very protective of her sister and therefore refuses to talk to him at all due to how he treats my 13yo.

My 13yo is so lovely she just sees the good in everyone, which is why this is so hard for her.

I am a mix of glad that she actually stood up for herself, shocked that she swore and sad that he's treated her like that to the point that she has just broken.

I think a little chat about appropriate language, a massive cuddle and a box of quality streets while watching film is in order for tonight and I may suggest she blocks him for now until she feels more able to deal with things. If there's an emergency of any sort then he has everyone else's numbers so he won't need to contact her in particular.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 26/12/2021 19:42

I think.you have to be careful that she doesn't think you're taking his side by punishing her at his instigation. Honestly, he gave up all rights to discipline her when he abandoned her. I'd be very slow to chastise her for it.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 26/12/2021 19:42

So he blocks her, and when he doesn't get father of the year for doing below, below, below, then even further below the bare minimum, she needs needs "sorting out" sod that, I've got adhd and I say too that he can go suck a dick.

No, don't punish her for standing up for herself, he doesn't get to decide when he can be arsed to be a father. If you want to say anything about the language, fine, but for why she sent the message.

So no, I wouldn't punish it, I wouldn't encourage it, but I wouldn't punish her for it. He has said something absolutely vile to her, and I can tell you that she probably remembers, some people with ADHD might have bad shot term memories, but long term we can be like an elephant.

Anyway no don't punish her.

britneyisfree · 26/12/2021 19:42

Good on her. I'd leave it. She's right, I hope he had a shit Xmas too!!!! Twat

Kshhuxnxk · 26/12/2021 19:42

Aww bless, have a chat with her, understand her feelings and give her a cuddle, tell her you love her for having balls to tell him that but not again because she's too good for that!

CagneyNYPD1 · 26/12/2021 19:43

Tell her you love her to the moon and back.

KoreyBay18 · 26/12/2021 19:44

Have a chat about healthy ways to express her frustration.

Then give her a cuddle and a round of applause from us here!

ProudThrilledHappy · 26/12/2021 19:45

Sorry but I want to say good for her! Ok the language was inappropriate but I wish I’d had the courage to tell my useless dad to get lost at her age.

He sounds incredibly immature, blocking and unblocking his kids and running away from the responsibility of parenting them when it gets a bit tough. Can I have his number so I can tell him to suck a dick too? Grin

Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:47

🤣🤣 you lot are making me laugh now.

There's me all angsty about her language and you're all wishing him a shit Christmas and agreeing that he should, in fact, go suck a dick 🤣🤣

I may teach her a few neutral phrases for future reference. She is usually so good at taking time out when she's angry to calm down and think, we have come up with a few techniques which work really well for her, I guess something had to give eventually, and she has taken a lot from that man.

OP posts:
Frgalone · 26/12/2021 19:47

@Kshhuxnxk

Aww bless, have a chat with her, understand her feelings and give her a cuddle, tell her you love her for having balls to tell him that but not again because she's too good for that!
This would be my approach too. Poor kid
BitcherOfBlakiven · 26/12/2021 19:48

I have ADHD OP and I wouldn’t be able to resist sending a text like that now at 35, if someone had treated me the way your DD has been treated, so definitely don’t punish her.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 26/12/2021 19:49

“Who’s this?”

Would have STUNG Grin