Can someone tell me if I'm doing the right thing by not punishing dd?

[Howdoihandlethiswithdd]

NC because I don't know if my exs girlfriend is on here.

Quick backstory, dd is 13, her dad was abusive towards me, we split when she was around 6 the day he screamed at her that she should have been an abortion.

She was a very 'spirited' child, ex couldn't deal with her, stopped being a dad when his girlfriend and her dc came along and told my dc it was because she gave him an easier life as she only has 2 dc.

He has blamed me for everything including his lack of contact, but they all have their own phones and he still doesn't bother with them.

My other dc are fine and get he is just a shit parent but dd keeps trying.

He hasn't seen them for around 3 years, dd messages 3 weeks ago asking to see him, he said he would come over and get her in a couple of days. Messaged the next day saying he couldn't come anymore and would see her in January instead. She then messaged back saying she expected it anyway because he isn't a good dad, and he saw the message and blocked her.

She was devastated and we've been working things through (she has ADHD) and helping to keep her calm and get her sleep pattern back on track (it gets impacted whenever she's upset).

Clearly ex was around others on Christmas day and unblocked her to message and say merry Christmas. She told me and asked what she should say back, and I advised her to think about it and maybe message later. I didn't think any more of it until I saw her phone not long ago when my ex unblocked me and told me she was out of order and to get her sorted out (then blocked me again before I could answer).

She messaged him back "Go sick a dick, I hope you have a shit christmas xx".

Its a shocking message, and completely out of character for her. I fully get her feeling as she does, and I don't want to punish her.

I will speak to her about it, and maybe tell her the language isn't appropriate. I am a bit worried my hatred of him is the reason for my lack of punishment for her though. If she spoke to anyone else like that I would absolutely confiscate her phone at a minimum.

Can anyone help please, am I taking the right approach?

Tbh I'd tell him to go suck a dick too. Not exactly father of the year is he?

Let's look at the facts here shall we?

She's 13, and immature both physically and emotionally.

Her brain is undergoing major development which will not be complete until her mid-twenties, if not later in some individuals, especially her pre-frontal cortex which deals with planning and inhibition control.

She has ADHD, which means a tendency towards poor impulse control due to atypical development in the afore -mentioned prefrontal cortex which will also cause her no insignificant amount of stress in navigating her day to day life.

She has been massively disappointed by one of her two parental figures to date for the majority of her short life.

It's Christmas, a time of year in which family tensions and emotionally painful issues always come to the fore...as even a cursory glance at the rest of this board will prove.

And yet...and yet....

Even at this age, and with all the challenges she faces...she can still tell when someone is no good for her and better still, can tell them where to shove it...even if that someone is her own father.

She's going to need that spirit of hers in this weary old world, OP, because she is female and worse still, she's female with a major neurological disorder and quite frankly that will make her life quite hard enough without her wasting her valuable emotional energy on people like her father.

I too am female, with at least one major neurological disorder and at exactly her age I, too, told my waste of space father where to shove it. I was not wrong....I do not regret it. Neither is she....nor will she.

My advice - sympathise, but do not punish. Instead, use this as teaching moment - tell her that self-control is much better, that lowering yourself to their level only diminishes you, and that in general we gain more respect from others if we remain cool and icy-calm. Recognise that this will always be harder for her due to her ADHD but that it is not unachievable and that she must strive for better emotional control.

She has self-esteem already....She has boundaries in place. Good, she will need them in her life. You haven't failed her, quite the opposite, because despite everything, you have installed all that for her.

Well done!

Ask her how she feels about it. Did it make her feel better? Does she feel guilty? Does she think she let herself down and regrets it? She's old enough to take responsibility for her own actions and start to decide for herself whether she made a mistake. If she has no remorse then good on her, he sounds like a dick.

I’m late to this and can see you’ve already dealt with the situation.

When mine were younger and newly adjusting to their father having abandoned them, I let them just get it all out.

To be honest I couldn’t get angry or upset with mine, they were letting their anger out and articulating their feelings and hurt over being mistreated. And they have every right to. Because nothing my dc said was wrong.

I just provided my DC with a safe space to vent.

My youngest to this day calls her father the sperm donor amongst her friends. And that’s completely up to her and how she feels about her father.

I refuse to force my dc to say or behave in a way they don’t want to when this isn’t hurting anyone. And if it gets back to ex and his feelings are hurt, well he hurt his dc and frankly you reap what you sow.

My dc don’t have anything to do with their father, the only time I’m asked about him is when my dc wanted to change their surnames as they don’t want to be associated with their father.

And it is completely his loss.