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Original poster

Can someone tell me if I'm doing the right thing by not punishing dd?

79 replies

Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:27

NC because I don't know if my exs girlfriend is on here.

Quick backstory, dd is 13, her dad was abusive towards me, we split when she was around 6 the day he screamed at her that she should have been an abortion.

She was a very 'spirited' child, ex couldn't deal with her, stopped being a dad when his girlfriend and her dc came along and told my dc it was because she gave him an easier life as she only has 2 dc.

He has blamed me for everything including his lack of contact, but they all have their own phones and he still doesn't bother with them.

My other dc are fine and get he is just a shit parent but dd keeps trying.

He hasn't seen them for around 3 years, dd messages 3 weeks ago asking to see him, he said he would come over and get her in a couple of days. Messaged the next day saying he couldn't come anymore and would see her in January instead. She then messaged back saying she expected it anyway because he isn't a good dad, and he saw the message and blocked her.

She was devastated and we've been working things through (she has ADHD) and helping to keep her calm and get her sleep pattern back on track (it gets impacted whenever she's upset).

Clearly ex was around others on Christmas day and unblocked her to message and say merry Christmas. She told me and asked what she should say back, and I advised her to think about it and maybe message later. I didn't think any more of it until I saw her phone not long ago when my ex unblocked me and told me she was out of order and to get her sorted out (then blocked me again before I could answer).

She messaged him back "Go sick a dick, I hope you have a shit christmas xx".

Its a shocking message, and completely out of character for her. I fully get her feeling as she does, and I don't want to punish her.

I will speak to her about it, and maybe tell her the language isn't appropriate. I am a bit worried my hatred of him is the reason for my lack of punishment for her though. If she spoke to anyone else like that I would absolutely confiscate her phone at a minimum.

Can anyone help please, am I taking the right approach?

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 20:11

Thank you all. I'm actually laughing about it now.

I'm setting up for a movie night while she's in the bath just now.

I probably won't even mention the language. The thought of her feeling like this later on in relationships and not feeling able to stand up for herself has made me feel sick. I really never thought if it in those terms before but its so true, we learn so much from how parents treat us.

If she can deal with emotional abuse like this at 13 and know I support her and her siblings have her back then she can deal with potential relationship issues further down the line too.

OP posts:
Klinkerbell · 26/12/2021 20:12

@Ohpulltheotherone

I don’t even get what she’s done wrong here tbh?

Are we expected to constantly rise above the disgraceful treatment we receive from waste of oxygen level men?
Are we going to continue to teach our daughters to moderate their language and behaviour and feelings for the sake of the menfolk?

I wouldn’t be. The most id be doing is having a chat about the message in terms of language and that whilst you understand how hurt and angry she is, perhaps contain this type of language/ phrase to just between you and her, as using it in school or to other adults could land her in a heap of trouble.

In terms of her waste of space dad, I’d be echoing her sentiment and telling him to go choke on a 10ft cock.

Well said! Cheers OhpulltheotheroneWine

Op he told a small child she should have been an abortion, he can go fuck himself. What she said doesn't even come remotely close to that level of nasty. Hope your DD has a wonderful holiday! Flowers

Outlyingtrout · 26/12/2021 20:14

I think only one PP has said this should be punished. I’m shocked there’s even one who thinks you should focus on punishing her tbh. It’s so clear cut really.

I think you’re probably shocked at the message because like you say it’s so out of character for her, but she deserves major props for having the ability to assert her boundaries like that (even if she did it in a slightly immature way, what with being a distressed 13 year old child and all).

I definitely would talk to her about the message and about things with her dad, but certainly not from a perspective of criticising or punishing her. First and foremost I’d tell her I was proud that she had established a boundary and communicated it. That’s a hard thing to do with an abusive parent. I haven’t managed it and I’m in my thirties. Then I’d talk about how we could come up with some ways to manage those feelings of anger and hurt in a healthy way. Lashing out via text message feels good in the moment, but it isn’t really a way to deal with our emotions. Involving the person who hurt us - even in an attempt to punish them or hurt them back or make them see how much they’ve hurt us - is rarely the answer. The person who abuses us can’t be part of us healing from that abuse. Sometimes saying nothing and just making ourselves completely emotionally unavailable to that person is better. Talk about different ways she could have handled the situation and how she thinks she would feel right now if she had done those things, compared with how she actually feels right now having sent that message. Maybe she still thinks the message was the best thing and that’s fine. But I’d want her to think about it.

I also think it might be a good idea to take the phone off her for a bit. Not as a punishment whatsoever, but just to give her absolute distance from her dad for a while. The phone represents a connection to him and whilst they can unblock each other at any time, there’s a constant “threat” of his presence (albeit digitally). I think she needs a break from that and to be completely removed from his reach for a bit. Digital detox.

It sounds like you’ve got a brave girl there.

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ElectraBlue · 26/12/2021 20:26

The language might not be appropriate, and you can definitely speak to her calmly about it, but frankly she is not wrong in her assessment of her father...

No need to punish her for being upset because her father is letting her down. It is normal for her to feel that way.

Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 20:27

She has had some counselling, and she and I are very close, she also has her older siblings if she wants to talk to someone who isn't me. She has a counseller at school too although she finds it harder to talk to her.

She doesn't have her phone at night as part of her sleep routine, and she has long periods of time away from the phone during the day too, so I probably won't change that routine, so she will be away from the phone without it being a punishment anyways.

The only connection they have is the phone as she doesn't have any form of social media.

I'll definitely have a chat about how she's feeling, I may start by asking if she messaged him back and just see how it goes from there. I'll definitely tell her that she's amazing for establishing strong boundries with him.

I think we will do the freedom programme again in a month or two as well, so she will keep up this strength.

She's managed at 13 what I didn't manage in my 30s.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2021 20:28

Seems a pretty reasonable response to me!

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/12/2021 20:30

She was right. Would you punish her if she was 16?

Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 20:31

He still has this way of making me feel like a shit mum because I mess up sometimes, but I'm the one here every day to mess up. I could also talk the talk of being a great parent if I didn't see my kids and just pop up occasionally to say "Well I would have done ..... in that situation".

I also get paranoid about him thinking I'm vilifying him to the kids and making them hate him, when I don't.

I should maybe take a leaf out of dds book.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 20:33

@MrsSkylerWhite

She was right. Would you punish her if she was 16?
No, I think the language shocked me, but actually I can now see she's totally right, the language isn't ideal, but given the overall situation she has actually been amazing in establishing boundries.
OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 26/12/2021 20:37

@Howdoihandlethiswithdd

He still has this way of making me feel like a shit mum because I mess up sometimes, but I'm the one here every day to mess up. I could also talk the talk of being a great parent if I didn't see my kids and just pop up occasionally to say "Well I would have done ..... in that situation".

I also get paranoid about him thinking I'm vilifying him to the kids and making them hate him, when I don't.

I should maybe take a leaf out of dds book.

Maybe reply telling him to suck a dick too
HemanOrSheRa · 26/12/2021 20:45

She was absolutely within her rights to reply like that. He's treated her and her siblings appallingly, deserved it and more. Good girl OP's daughter. Wouldn't most adults say that and more to someone who'd said the things he has?!

Longdistance · 26/12/2021 20:47

She deserves a pat on the back. Brilliant response. She’d make a great MNer. ‘I hope your next shit is a hedgehog’. Great response, and quite frankly being blocked by such a wanker is a godsend.
Maybe, tell her it’s not the best response, but what is done is done.
I’ve been known to come out with some corkers in my teens, my parents never bollocked me for it, as a lot if it was true 🤷🏼‍♀️
At least she doesn’t suffer fools gladly.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/12/2021 20:49

Today 20:33 Howdoihandlethiswithdd

MrsSkylerWhite
She was right. Would you punish her if she was 16?
No, I think the language shocked me, but actually I can now see she's totally right, the language isn't ideal, but given the overall situation she has actually been amazing in establishing boundries.“

I think if there was ever a circumstance in which a 13 Year old is allowed to use such language, this was it.

Tell her you love her, validate her feelings and enjoy the rest of the Christmas holiday together Smile

WhatScratch · 26/12/2021 20:58

I hope the four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and the partridge in the pear tree all shit on his car.

Merry Christmas to your and your DD.

GettingItOutThere · 26/12/2021 21:02

I love her! i laughed out loud.

He deserves to be told that, he sounds shit!!

Yes talk to her about how she could word things, same as that but slightly more diplomatic and give her a big hug, and dont punish her!

what a girl to have the balls to stand upto him

UserError012345 · 26/12/2021 21:05

Another vote for doing nothing.

sadpapercourtesan · 26/12/2021 21:32

Sounds like you've managed to bring up a teenage girl who:

a) is compassionate and loving enough to want to give someone a second chance

b) is intelligent enough to know when enough is enough

c) is assertive enough to draw her own boundaries, forcefully if necessary, and stand up for herself.

I don't see a problem with any of that! Awful for you to have to see her hurt by her waster of a father - but she has you xx

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/12/2021 21:54

I think the language was totally appropriate! What an absolute dickhead.

Go give her a hug and let her know you’re always there if she needs you.

Changechangychange · 26/12/2021 22:00

He is a shit dad, he ought to go suck a dick, and I hope he has a shit Christmas too. Go your DD!

Kennykenkencat · 27/12/2021 13:01

Going against the grain I think I would reply to her waste of space sperm donor to say thank you for drawing your attention to the text she sent and that you have had a word with her about it and told her how proud you were of her having the maturity to establish her boundaries and refuse to be treated like a second class citizen by her own father.
Maybe he could learn a lesson from this. If he treats people like rubbish then he can’t expect respect in return

Original poster
Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 27/12/2021 13:41

Thanks everyone. We had a good chat last night and she has decided enough is enough and blocked him, she has requested a change of number too which I'm sorting out.

a) is compassionate and loving enough to want to give someone a second chance

b) is intelligent enough to know when enough is enough

c) is assertive enough to draw her own boundaries, forcefully if necessary, and stand up for herself.

This is amazing, and I've sent it to her in a message and told her to look at it every time she feels like she isn't enough.

I wish I could message the dickhead back but I'm generally blocked unless he take 30 seconds to tell me how shit I am.

I haven't even mentioned the language, thanks to everyone for making me see that it's very appropriate in this situation, and the bigger picture is more important here. If she uses it elsewhere then I'll deal with it then, but she's usually so good so I don't think it will be an issue.

A few days of building up her confidence should set her right again hopefully now she has drawn a line under their whole relationship.

Thanks again all Flowers

OP posts:
BadgerSparkle · 27/12/2021 14:59

What a fabulous mum you are @Howdoihandlethiswithdd ❤

Insidelaurashead · 27/12/2021 15:35

The only thing I would have mentioned re the language is make sure you don't say that at school or you'll be in bother. I wouldn't have told her off for saying it to him, sounds like he got what he deserved

Insidelaurashead · 27/12/2021 15:36

(Also I know you DIDN'T tell her off, OP, and it sounds like you've handled it perfectly)

Rexthesnail · 27/12/2021 15:43

I hope he had a shit Christmas and is rodgered up the arse by a polar bear. Arsehole.