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Original poster

Can someone tell me if I'm doing the right thing by not punishing dd?

79 replies

Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:27

NC because I don't know if my exs girlfriend is on here.

Quick backstory, dd is 13, her dad was abusive towards me, we split when she was around 6 the day he screamed at her that she should have been an abortion.

She was a very 'spirited' child, ex couldn't deal with her, stopped being a dad when his girlfriend and her dc came along and told my dc it was because she gave him an easier life as she only has 2 dc.

He has blamed me for everything including his lack of contact, but they all have their own phones and he still doesn't bother with them.

My other dc are fine and get he is just a shit parent but dd keeps trying.

He hasn't seen them for around 3 years, dd messages 3 weeks ago asking to see him, he said he would come over and get her in a couple of days. Messaged the next day saying he couldn't come anymore and would see her in January instead. She then messaged back saying she expected it anyway because he isn't a good dad, and he saw the message and blocked her.

She was devastated and we've been working things through (she has ADHD) and helping to keep her calm and get her sleep pattern back on track (it gets impacted whenever she's upset).

Clearly ex was around others on Christmas day and unblocked her to message and say merry Christmas. She told me and asked what she should say back, and I advised her to think about it and maybe message later. I didn't think any more of it until I saw her phone not long ago when my ex unblocked me and told me she was out of order and to get her sorted out (then blocked me again before I could answer).

She messaged him back "Go sick a dick, I hope you have a shit christmas xx".

Its a shocking message, and completely out of character for her. I fully get her feeling as she does, and I don't want to punish her.

I will speak to her about it, and maybe tell her the language isn't appropriate. I am a bit worried my hatred of him is the reason for my lack of punishment for her though. If she spoke to anyone else like that I would absolutely confiscate her phone at a minimum.

Can anyone help please, am I taking the right approach?

OP posts:

Fieldofflowers1 · 26/12/2021 19:49

She is angry and lashed out, also with her being a teenager her hormones are all over the place. Definitely have a word about the language but also be prepared for the come down. She might regret lashing out like that in a couple of days and will need lots of love and reassurance. Poor love.

ILoveToads · 26/12/2021 19:50

Good for her, why should be taught that she has to act like a passive, non-emotional doormat.

Careful that a punishment doesn't make her feel that she should put up with this treatment in future relationships and not be fucking angry about it, and rightfully so.

Embracelife · 26/12/2021 19:51

Give her done goid expressions
Ding punish he'd she has punishment enough from him being a dick

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Original poster

Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:52

@Fieldofflowers1

This is what usually happens, he promises her the moon on a stick, she believes he has changed, he let's her down, she gets hurt and gets really low, I help build her back up. Rinse and repeat once or twice a year. This time she has actually stood up for herself, and I know he won't like it one bit.

OP posts:

wastingtimeagain · 26/12/2021 19:52

Absolutely do not punish a girl for asserting her boundaries to a man who is treating her like shit. Absolutely do NOT do that.

Personally I would be immensely proud of her. She's not crawling around seeking his affection or approval but telling him to go do one!

We won't be seeing your daughter moaning about a shit DH on the Relationships board. She'll have told blokes who treat her shit to fuck right off instead. Good on her!

ILoveToads · 26/12/2021 19:53

My message was worded badly as you haven't punished, should have read OP properly, sorry!

Ohpulltheotherone · 26/12/2021 19:54

I don’t even get what she’s done wrong here tbh?

Are we expected to constantly rise above the disgraceful treatment we receive from waste of oxygen level men?
Are we going to continue to teach our daughters to moderate their language and behaviour and feelings for the sake of the menfolk?

I wouldn’t be. The most id be doing is having a chat about the message in terms of language and that whilst you understand how hurt and angry she is, perhaps contain this type of language/ phrase to just between you and her, as using it in school or to other adults could land her in a heap of trouble.

In terms of her waste of space dad, I’d be echoing her sentiment and telling him to go choke on a 10ft cock.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2021 19:54

I wouldn't punish her at all, the poor thing is more than justified to feel that way. Perhaps a gentle word about doing our best to remain dignified and using appropriate language, but that's it.

What I would do is try my very best to get her into therapy to help her deal with her father's abandonment of her. She really needs help now before this impacts the rest of her life and her relationships. The pain will obviously never go away, bit she needs help to deal with it.

PineappleMojito · 26/12/2021 19:56

Wish I’d had the balls to text that to my crap dad! I agree with not punishing her, perhaps a bit of a word about how impulse texting when you’re upset can get you in trouble or you might say stuff you’ll regret, but sounds like he 100% deserved it on this occasion!

ShesMadeaTwatOfMePam · 26/12/2021 19:56

I wouldn't do anything apart from make sure your dd is ok. I definitely wouldn't be telling her off about her language.

mrmonkeyjocks · 26/12/2021 19:56

I'm also in the camp that I wish I'd have sent my dad this kind of message many times. So it's ok for him to treat her badly but not expect her to lash out. Silly man. In your shoes I'd be so annoyed at him messaging and telling you to sort it out but then blocking before you could respond too.

I'd speak to her about how she is hurting and what could help her feel better. Maybe she could write all of it down in a letter to him, using what ever language she likes, to get it all out without sending it to him. Sounds like it's not the first or last time he is going to let her down either. I've been there but really have no advice as it's unfortunately a cycle we've been stuck in. We have very little contact now, and most of it is just superficial. Doesn't hurt any less but as you get older you just get more used to it I think

Original poster

Howdoihandlethiswithdd · 26/12/2021 19:56

I never thought about this in relation to future relationships actually.

That's a really good point.

She did the online freedom programme a few months ago (I wanted her to do it because I don't want her to end up like I did) I wonder if that's what sparked the change this time.

OP posts:

Kennykenkencat · 26/12/2021 19:57

I think you should give her an award and a pat on the back.

Why would you punish her

Branleuse · 26/12/2021 19:58

Are you seriously considering punishing her?? So one of the most important people in her life can treat her like utter shit. Told her she should have been an abortion. She repeatedly tries to forgive him and now shes cracked and insulted him and you think she needs punishing?
Id be telling her that in this context and due to the circumstances and what hes put her through, you absolutely do not blame her for letting rip and you also hope he has a shit christmas and that he never deserved a strong smart and amazing daughter like her. That its his loss and she should hold her head up high amd never allow another man as many chances that she gave this one.
Take that girl out for a movie and an icecream

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2021 19:58

Why is it wrong? Because she’s a child?

If someone treated an adult that way and the adult lashed out and told them to go suck a dick no-one would blame them.

This is the price he pays for being a shit father to the extent most of his children no longer even give him the time of day.

Sometimes when you treat people like shit there comes a time when they’ll tell you.

OP it seems your DD has done just that. So while I wouldn’t congratulate her, I wouldn’t actually say anything to her. She’s old enough to know how she feels, and he’s enough of a twat to deserve all he got.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 26/12/2021 19:59

absolutely no punishment! I wish I'd told my dad the same at 13 and I'd probably wouldn't have waited till I was 30 to go NC!

Starcaller · 26/12/2021 20:00

Good for her tbh for not accepting shitty behaviour and constant letdowns. If he blocks his own child, that says all anyone needs to know, really. I wouldn't punish her, just give her a cuddle and validate her disappointment.

ShesMadeaTwatOfMePam · 26/12/2021 20:01

Telling her she should have been an abortion is basically saying he wishes she was dead. I think what she said was pretty mild.

GoGoGretaDoll · 26/12/2021 20:02

@Howdoihandlethiswithdd

I never thought about this in relation to future relationships actually.

That's a really good point.

She did the online freedom programme a few months ago (I wanted her to do it because I don't want her to end up like I did) I wonder if that's what sparked the change this time.

Just when I thought I couldn't love the Freedom Programme more!

The biggest, hugest, dick-eating round of applause for you for encouraging her to do that. I also suspect the two things are linked.

BungleandGeorge · 26/12/2021 20:02

Your ex unblocked you just to tell you to tell her off for a message she sent to him? I’d probably just ignore it tbh. He’s her parent too he can do it himself, or he could if he didn’t block his own daughter’s phone…

Cam2020 · 26/12/2021 20:03

Sorry, I laughed too! I also thought good on her. I wouldn't even mention the language - it wasn't that bad. She knows its effect and chose it for a reason and I think she was perfectly justified.

Don't quell that spirit. If only more women were able to tell shitty wastrels to go suck a dick!

MummyJasmin · 26/12/2021 20:04

Good girl!
I'd give her lots of hugs OP 🫂

Pickledlipstick · 26/12/2021 20:05

Also found that hilarious! Good for her!! Hopefully he did have a shit Xmas. What a prize wanker.

Twillow · 26/12/2021 20:05

'Get her sorted'? He completely deserved that, I'm afraid. It's entirely up to him to rebuild the relationship. He doesn't automatically deserve respect, least of all after his spectacularly shitty behaviour. You asked her to think about what to reply, and she did. No punishment. A discussion about how she feels would be good.

DontPeeInThePlayHouse · 26/12/2021 20:06

Punish? No.

I'd give her a pat on the back for standing up for herself. Swear words and all. Maybe he'll learn he can't mentally and emotionally abuse her anymore.

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