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Original poster

Need neutral opinions on this please. I'm coming from a place of selfishness I think.

79 replies

Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:04

Ex and I have 2 daughters.

Last year he had them all hyped up for going to his on Christmas day, 2 days beforehand he said he couldn't as he was working.

After much arguing back and forward he finished work slightly early and I left the rest of my dc for an hour to go and drop the little ones off at his (about an hour round trip, ex doesn't drive).

This year (supposed to be my Christmas) he has now announced he's having them as it falls on his normal weekend and therefore has the day off.

I have family coming to see them, I have arranged all the food and was looking forward to having a lovely day. I was also looking forward to a glass of something on Christmas morning, plus I don't want to leave the house to drop them off again.

He isn't the worst father in the world. He has them overnight every second weekend, when I was very ill last year he took a fortnight off work to look after them (then threw it back in my face later). He doesn't really contact them in between every second weekend either.

They adore him, but his home (as I've discovered recently) isn't very cosy and homely, he has no carpets or curtains, washing machine or cooker. The only reason he has a tree and decorations is because I bought them last year for his house. So the thought of my girls stuck there is breaking my heart (they seem absolutely fine there though, so that's my issue).

If he doesn't get the girls he will be 100% alone, he moved here to be with me years ago and his family lives hundreds of miles away, so I do feel bad. Having him here isn't an option.

I did tell him that I may be able to sort a lift out later in the day (near bedtime) but the person now has covid so that's a no.

I feel awful for him being all on his own on Xmas, but equally I don't want to do all the running around, and I wanted my girls this whole Christmas. If he doesn't get them it will be a month between seeing them.

What is the best thing for the girls here?

I am aware my op is also bias towards me as well, but I was just trying to give facts. Please tell me honestly what's the best for them. TIA.

OP posts:
superram · 21/12/2021 16:06

Why don’t you have them Christmas Eve then he collects them to take them to his. No need fir you to be ferrying them
Around.

senua · 21/12/2021 16:10

Two years running that he announces 'plans' with only days to go?
That's not how Christmas works.

Original poster
Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:11

@superram

Why don’t you have them Christmas Eve then he collects them to take them to his. No need fir you to be ferrying them Around.
He can't drive so he's totally reliant on me doing pick ups and drop offs anyway.

A taxi would cost probably about £80 which he can't afford.

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Original poster
Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:12

@senua

Two years running that he announces 'plans' with only days to go? That's not how Christmas works.
We had it sorted last year then he dropped them, so I had to sort it out.

This year I think he's just noticed it's his normal weekend so expects them as normal, despite the agreement being I would have them. I normally drop them off and pick them up anyway.

OP posts:
PickledPeppa · 21/12/2021 16:17

I feel awful for him being all on his own on Xmas, but equally I don't want to do all the running around, and I wanted my girls this whole Christmas. If he doesn't get them it will be a month between seeing them.

I think the best thing for your girls is stability. They should be able to feel secure in knowing that the plans you've made for Christmas will be going ahead (unless due to illness or an emergency).

I don't think it will do them any favours to have their Christmas plans changed at the 11th hour for the second year in a row. I thin they would be better off with you this year.

Megan2018 · 21/12/2021 16:17

They stay with you.

When he is a proper grown up that can furnish his house, drive a car and organise his life properly then he can have a go at parenting.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 21/12/2021 16:22

When he is a proper grown up that can furnish his house, drive a car and organise his life properly then he can have a go at parenting.
This. Completely this.

Georgieporgie29 · 21/12/2021 16:24

They should stay with you. Extra arrangements such as Christmas usually supersede the normal every other weekend visits.
Don’t feel bad for him, he’s an adult and is capable of making his own house more homely, maybe he likes it the way it is.

TooWicked · 21/12/2021 16:24

Why are you running around for him, buying Christmas decorations, etc?

At a real push I would tell him "yes ok you can have the girls, let me know what the arrangements are for picking them up and dropping them off, I've already made plans for the day so won't be doing any driving" and leave it at that.

PickledPeppa · 21/12/2021 16:25

He sounds almost as dependent on you as your actual children are. You provide a free taxi service, buy his tree and decorations, and have to find ways around his inadequacies.

He can't even be bothered to contact his children during the 2 weeks between visits. I suspect that if you stopped doing all the running around, he wouldn't bother with them at all.

JackieCollinshasnoauthority · 21/12/2021 16:26

What an utter loser.

Original poster
Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:27

He blames me for his house being unfurnished because I get maintenence from him.

I do try my best though, I've bought him one of those halogen ovens for Xmas so the girls at least get some cooked food, and I take all their washing from his now since he started putting my 4yo in nappies again because she peed the bed once (they also share a single bed at his, but that's a different argument).

I know they would love to see him, they do love him. In my heart I think it's best for them to be here, but I don't want to be unfair on them. Bloody bell end messing things up again.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 21/12/2021 16:27

Say yes that's fine but you need to arrange pick up. It's as simple as that. Stop facilitating his actions.

Shedmistress · 21/12/2021 16:28

@Megan2018

They stay with you.

When he is a proper grown up that can furnish his house, drive a car and organise his life properly then he can have a go at parenting.

This.
Kbyodjs · 21/12/2021 16:28

What are your girls expecting to do? If they’re expecting to be with you and I’d guess ramped up for that then keep them with you. They had a last minute disappointment last year so need things to be predictable and consistent this year

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/12/2021 16:29

No, it's your turn this year to have the girls for Christmas cards end of.

Me and my ex alternate Christmas, regardless of who's weekend it is

Kinraddie · 21/12/2021 16:29

He has them two days every fortnight and doesn't contact them in between visits? And you think he's a good dad?

madisonbridges · 21/12/2021 16:31

I do think at Christmas both of you should be able to spend some time with them. I'm sure they'd rather see their dad than some relatives. But he does sound quite disorganised with his rota so he's not being fair to be changing plans at the last moment. Ultimately, though, my children having a good relationship with their dad would be the most important thing so I would try to accommodate that if possible.
He needs to learn to drive.

Bopahula · 21/12/2021 16:33

It's your Christmas. So tough luck to him. Ge doesn't get to announce this change at the last minute. You've made plans accordingly.
He can FaceTime/talk to them if he wants but Christmas is at yours. Don't even entertain a debate with him. Just reply saying in line with previous agreements Christmas is outside of normal weekend arrangements and it's my turn this year.
What he does is up to him.

Kbish1 · 21/12/2021 16:33

He is taking the piss our of you.

Original poster
Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:36

@PickledPeppa

He sounds almost as dependent on you as your actual children are. You provide a free taxi service, buy his tree and decorations, and have to find ways around his inadequacies.

He can't even be bothered to contact his children during the 2 weeks between visits. I suspect that if you stopped doing all the running around, he wouldn't bother with them at all.

Initially he only wanted them at very specific times around his schedule (1.15- 3.25 every Tuesday or thursday and an unspecified 3 hours elsewhere in the week)), I put a stop to that and he went to a solicitor (he was low income so got so much in legal aid) and I stated I wanted set contact, I worked too and I wasn't willing to be fitting childcare around his weekly schedule. He refused, then his legal aid much have run out because the solicitor was never heard from again and then he agreed to set hours.

His weekly coming through here and taking them for tea stopped during covid and he has never started again, and that's how me driving back and forth started as well, ut was better for the girls not to be on public transport.

He is pretty dependent on me I suppose, I feel guilty because he moved here to be with me and it didn't work out (we had 6 years together) funnily enough because he refused to get a job or do anything around the house at all and literally left it all to me. He was just another person to look after.

I do my best by the girls, and remain kind about their dad and get things I think they need at his (like slippers and toothbrushes) he doesn't do the same with me unfortunately and is constantly telling me I'm not doing a good enough job and saying to the girls his house is better.

Maybe I'm a but of a mug. I'm just trying to be a good mum.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/12/2021 16:37

Your children would have a much better Christmas with you. He does less than the bare minimum. This sort of man makes me want to scream.

Original poster
Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:39

@Kinraddie

He has them two days every fortnight and doesn't contact them in between visits? And you think he's a good dad?
Hes good with them. Spends time playing and taking them out etc. He isn't very good with actual parenting, he doesn't need to be I suppose, but he's an OK dad. He definitely couldn't cope with them for long periods of time though. The 2 weeks I was recovering from my op proved that.
OP posts:
LiterallyKnowsBest · 21/12/2021 16:44

It’s extraordinary how you put this man at the top of the pyramid.

Ahead of your children who already have expectations for Christmas?

Ahead of your family who have already made plans to spend time with them and you at Christmas?

Ahead of yourself, tying yourself in knots to provide for him at the expense of your own comfort?

Why?

Original poster
Iknowwhatineedtodoreally · 21/12/2021 16:44

@madisonbridges

I do think at Christmas both of you should be able to spend some time with them. I'm sure they'd rather see their dad than some relatives. But he does sound quite disorganised with his rota so he's not being fair to be changing plans at the last moment. Ultimately, though, my children having a good relationship with their dad would be the most important thing so I would try to accommodate that if possible. He needs to learn to drive.
Them having a good relationship with him is really important to me. That's why I do so much behind the scenes stuff for him/them.

They are really looking forward to the relatives coming over. We don't see much of them at all. They would also like to spend time with him too I think. They could do Christmas on boxing day maybe, that will mean an early morning drop off and late night pick up, but I can take loads of leftovers for them so they have a lovely christmassy day.

OP posts: