Need neutral opinions on this please. I'm coming from a place of selfishness I think.

[Iknowwhatineedtodoreally]

Ex and I have 2 daughters.

Last year he had them all hyped up for going to his on Christmas day, 2 days beforehand he said he couldn't as he was working.

After much arguing back and forward he finished work slightly early and I left the rest of my dc for an hour to go and drop the little ones off at his (about an hour round trip, ex doesn't drive).

This year (supposed to be my Christmas) he has now announced he's having them as it falls on his normal weekend and therefore has the day off.

I have family coming to see them, I have arranged all the food and was looking forward to having a lovely day. I was also looking forward to a glass of something on Christmas morning, plus I don't want to leave the house to drop them off again.

He isn't the worst father in the world. He has them overnight every second weekend, when I was very ill last year he took a fortnight off work to look after them (then threw it back in my face later). He doesn't really contact them in between every second weekend either.

They adore him, but his home (as I've discovered recently) isn't very cosy and homely, he has no carpets or curtains, washing machine or cooker. The only reason he has a tree and decorations is because I bought them last year for his house. So the thought of my girls stuck there is breaking my heart (they seem absolutely fine there though, so that's my issue).

If he doesn't get the girls he will be 100% alone, he moved here to be with me years ago and his family lives hundreds of miles away, so I do feel bad. Having him here isn't an option.

I did tell him that I may be able to sort a lift out later in the day (near bedtime) but the person now has covid so that's a no.

I feel awful for him being all on his own on Xmas, but equally I don't want to do all the running around, and I wanted my girls this whole Christmas. If he doesn't get them it will be a month between seeing them.

What is the best thing for the girls here?

I am aware my op is also bias towards me as well, but I was just trying to give facts. Please tell me honestly what's the best for them. TIA.

Well it's your turn for Christmas. No discussion. He's being unreasonable.

Next year will be his turn.

No. Too close to Christmas and plans already made.

Agree alternate years from now on. He can have them next Christmas.

@LiterallyKnowsBest

It’s extraordinary how you put this man at the top of the pyramid.

Ahead of your children who already have expectations for Christmas?

Ahead of your family who have already made plans to spend time with them and you at Christmas?

Ahead of yourself, tying yourself in knots to provide for him at the expense of your own comfort?

Why?

I'm trying to think what's best for my girls.

He isn't my priority, they are. I know me wanting all of Christmas is coming from me being a bit selfish, so I'm really trying to do what's best for them.

I'm trying to think of a way to make everyone happy, but I don't think I can. When it comes to it my kids will come first, then my family, then him. If I can think of a fair way to accommodate everyone that's what I'll do, if not it will be my kids and family and I'll do the running around on boxing day so they can have a Christmas.

They could do Christmas on boxing day maybe, that will mean an early morning drop off and late night pick up, but I can take loads of leftovers for them so they have a lovely christmassy day.

And you genuinely cannot see all that is wrong in the sentence above??

If he has the weekend off work, then surely he can have them on boxing day which is also part of the weekend?

they should definitely stay at yours for christmas day.

It's important that they get to see extended family too and that is what they are expecting.

Tell him you will bring them over on Boxing Day and does he want them they day after too but Christmas Day is alternate years and this years it's your Christmas Day with them even if it is his weekend.

*I'm trying to think what's best for my girls.

He isn't my priority, they are. I know me wanting all of Christmas is coming from me being a bit selfish, so I'm really trying to do what's best for them.*

In the short-term, they would be far better off spending Christmas in a furnished home where someone is able to cook for them, provide them with an adequate place to sleep, and can provide them with basic items like a toothbrush.

In the long-term it might be better for them not to think that they should follow your example of tiptoe-ing around their dad and giving in to him out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

You sound like a lovely mum who goes out of her way to make the best of a bad situation. It's time to let go of that guilt about your ex.

@LiterallyKnowsBest

They could do Christmas on boxing day maybe, that will mean an early morning drop off and late night pick up, but I can take loads of leftovers for them so they have a lovely christmassy day.

And you genuinely cannot see all that is wrong in the sentence above??

I can 100% see it. But if I don't, he won't and my girls suffer. I don't want that for them.

If its your turn for Xmas it's your turn.

If he cared that much about Xmas he'd have sorted out his time off when it was his turn.

Hes not your problem. Don't feed clothe house him

.

What's best for your girls is surely to have the Christmas that they are expecting! You say yourself that they are really looking forward to seeing family - and you'd knock that on the head just because this man-child can't organise himself?

Is it 'best for the girls' to see you, their mother, running around accommodating him at the expense of everyone else? What kind of role model is that? You ARE being fair by sticking to the arrangements already agreed well in advance.

This Christmas is going to be a two day weekend plus a two day bank holiday. He can still see them for a Christmas visit, just not at a time that's going to throw your, and your family's, plans down the toilet just to accommodate him! He needs to sort out his own transport and start furnishing his house. Bollocks to having no money because he pays you maintenance. Has he heard of Freecycle? Community furniture stores? I'm sure he can source a couple of rugs and a free/cheap fridge or something.

Stop making excuses for him.

@RandomMess

It's important that they get to see extended family too and that is what they are expecting.

Tell him you will bring them over on Boxing Day and does he want them they day after too but Christmas Day is alternate years and this years it's your Christmas Day with them even if it is his weekend.

I think this will be the best plan. I'm pretty sure someone at his work will swap Christmas day for the 27th with him.

In the long-term it might be better for them not to think that they should follow your example of tiptoe-ing around their dad and giving in to him out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

This is a point I had never thought of actually.

At the minute they are 4 and 6 and he and I split when the little one was 6 months old so what they see me doing is all they have ever known.

Even though I'm doing it for them, when I inevitably stop as they get older he will likely portray me as the bad guy to them.

Food for thought, thank you.

Offer him a different weekend with the kids, like New Years. Presumably he will be off then too as it's on the weekend.

It's your Christmas with the children. He chose to miss his last year.

@RatherBeRiding

What's best for your girls is surely to have the Christmas that they are expecting! You say yourself that they are really looking forward to seeing family - and you'd knock that on the head just because this man-child can't organise himself?

Is it 'best for the girls' to see you, their mother, running around accommodating him at the expense of everyone else? What kind of role model is that? You ARE being fair by sticking to the arrangements already agreed well in advance.

This Christmas is going to be a two day weekend plus a two day bank holiday. He can still see them for a Christmas visit, just not at a time that's going to throw your, and your family's, plans down the toilet just to accommodate him! He needs to sort out his own transport and start furnishing his house. Bollocks to having no money because he pays you maintenance. Has he heard of Freecycle? Community furniture stores? I'm sure he can source a couple of rugs and a free/cheap fridge or something.

Stop making excuses for him.

This is also correct.

I'm in an unhealthy dynamic.

I don't know how to stop without affecting the girls though.

@Rtmhwales

Offer him a different weekend with the kids, like New Years. Presumably he will be off then too as it's on the weekend.

It's your Christmas with the children. He chose to miss his last year.

I did offer new year but he says he is working it because he has Christmas off.

OP, I’m sorry if I sound scathing - in truth I’m just furious on your behalf.

But I do think you need to think about (and maybe discuss with someone properly qualified) separating ‘what’s best for my girls’ from ‘what’s the most martyr-ish thing I can do to appease my wholly misplaced guilt?’.

I know they would love to see him, they do love him. In my heart I think it's best for them to be here, but I don't want to be unfair on them

No, they love the version of him that you've created and propped up by doing all his actual parenting. That's not the real him. This is the real him:

He isn't very good with actual parenting, he doesn't need to be I suppose, but he's an OK dad. He definitely couldn't cope with them for long periods of time though.

He is not an OK dad, he's a poor, self centred dad. And sorry, but you're enabling that. Get over this guilt about him moving to be with you. He chose to do that and he could move again now - no wonder he doesn't, though, given how easy you continue to make his life.

This isn't going to do your kids good in the long term. Unless you intend to continue running around after him for the rest of your lives, he will let them down when it falls to him. Better they get used to dad having limitations (being effectively a babysitter once a fortnight, since you do all the organising for that) sooner rather than later, and they will accept that and get used to it. Building him up will not end well.

Give your girls the Christmas you know is best for them and stop doing two loads of parenting because your ex won't. You and they deserve better.

@LiterallyKnowsBest

OP, I’m sorry if I sound scathing - in truth I’m just furious on your behalf.

But I do think you need to think about (and maybe discuss with someone properly qualified) separating ‘what’s best for my girls’ from ‘what’s the most martyr-ish thing I can do to appease my wholly misplaced guilt?’.

I think I needed to hear that

@WinterSunglasses

I know they would love to see him, they do love him. In my heart I think it's best for them to be here, but I don't want to be unfair on them

No, they love the version of him that you've created and propped up by doing all his actual parenting. That's not the real him. This is the real him:

He isn't very good with actual parenting, he doesn't need to be I suppose, but he's an OK dad. He definitely couldn't cope with them for long periods of time though.

He is not an OK dad, he's a poor, self centred dad. And sorry, but you're enabling that. Get over this guilt about him moving to be with you. He chose to do that and he could move again now - no wonder he doesn't, though, given how easy you continue to make his life.

This isn't going to do your kids good in the long term. Unless you intend to continue running around after him for the rest of your lives, he will let them down when it falls to him. Better they get used to dad having limitations (being effectively a babysitter once a fortnight, since you do all the organising for that) sooner rather than later, and they will accept that and get used to it. Building him up will not end well.

Give your girls the Christmas you know is best for them and stop doing two loads of parenting because your ex won't. You and they deserve better.

Oh God, you're right.

I did this with my older kids dad too. He was absolutely shit, I quietly fixed everything, bought presents, paid his sodding petrol to come see them. Then when they grew up and got their own phones and didn't need me to accommodate things anymore their relationship crashed and they no longer talk because he's a shit father.

I'm going the same way with my little ones and didn't realise it.

I'm going the same way with my little ones and didn't realise it.

Well, now you do.

So today is a truly excellent day.

@Itsnotdeep

Well it's your turn for Christmas. No discussion. He's being unreasonable.

Next year will be his turn.

This with bells on.

You've divorced him, why are you letting him run your life?? Putting boundaries in place won't stop your children having a good relationship with him, it will, however, demonstrate healthy relationships to them.

And if he's not good at parenting, then - no - he isn't a good dad, because the purpose of being a dad is in fact, being a parent!

No, it's your turn to have them for Christmas. Even if you do share them for Xmas, he picks up and drops back his children. If he can't, then it's really not down to you at all. You need to stop bending over backwards and over compensating. You shouldn't be buying/helping him with anything at all.

@LiterallyKnowsBest

I'm going the same way with my little ones and didn't realise it.

Well, now you do.

So today is a truly excellent day.

Thank you to everyone for the much needed festive kick up the backside

I'm going to write a message, edit it 17 times, run it past my adult dc, stress about it for an hour, press send then turn my phone off until I'm brave enough to read the reply now

And if he's not good at parenting, then - no - he isn't a good dad, because the purpose of being a dad is in fact, being a parent!

True, he isn't a good parent, he's more like a fun uncle, babysitting for a night every couple of weeks. The girls love him, no wonder though, they get unlimited screen time and sweets.

You need to stop bending over backwards and over compensating. You shouldn't be buying/helping him with anything at all.

Do you think I should still give him the halogen oven for Christmas? It's bought and wrapped, I thought it would be better for him to have something besides a microwave and toaster , but maybe that's me overstepping again.

Why has he been able to demand that you spend your DDs' maintenance on him? What does he do for a living that means he's living like a helpless pauper and needs you to Mummy him?

Best thing would probably be for him to move back to his family, get a proper job and then have a home where the kids can go and be properly fed, housed and clothed for longer periods.