Need neutral opinions on this please. I'm coming from a place of selfishness I think.

[Iknowwhatineedtodoreally]

Ex and I have 2 daughters.

Last year he had them all hyped up for going to his on Christmas day, 2 days beforehand he said he couldn't as he was working.

After much arguing back and forward he finished work slightly early and I left the rest of my dc for an hour to go and drop the little ones off at his (about an hour round trip, ex doesn't drive).

This year (supposed to be my Christmas) he has now announced he's having them as it falls on his normal weekend and therefore has the day off.

I have family coming to see them, I have arranged all the food and was looking forward to having a lovely day. I was also looking forward to a glass of something on Christmas morning, plus I don't want to leave the house to drop them off again.

He isn't the worst father in the world. He has them overnight every second weekend, when I was very ill last year he took a fortnight off work to look after them (then threw it back in my face later). He doesn't really contact them in between every second weekend either.

They adore him, but his home (as I've discovered recently) isn't very cosy and homely, he has no carpets or curtains, washing machine or cooker. The only reason he has a tree and decorations is because I bought them last year for his house. So the thought of my girls stuck there is breaking my heart (they seem absolutely fine there though, so that's my issue).

If he doesn't get the girls he will be 100% alone, he moved here to be with me years ago and his family lives hundreds of miles away, so I do feel bad. Having him here isn't an option.

I did tell him that I may be able to sort a lift out later in the day (near bedtime) but the person now has covid so that's a no.

I feel awful for him being all on his own on Xmas, but equally I don't want to do all the running around, and I wanted my girls this whole Christmas. If he doesn't get them it will be a month between seeing them.

What is the best thing for the girls here?

I am aware my op is also bias towards me as well, but I was just trying to give facts. Please tell me honestly what's the best for them. TIA.

Oh god no OP. Just stop. Sell the oven and treat your kids. You’re their mother, not his!

1. It is your Christmas. Not your fault he cancelled last year.
2. No changes to Christmas plans after November.
3. He is old enough to have kids, he is old enough to arrange his own lifts, make his own arrangements etc.
4. He cant make his house nice because he has to pay maintenance? FFS!
5. He will try to make you feel bad. He has already shown he has no scruples about this. Tell him to fuck off, you dont owe him a thing.
6. My dog sometimes plays with children when I am walking her. She would not be a good parent to them.

Seriously, what are you doing this to yourself for?

Why has he been able to demand that you spend your DDs' maintenance on him? What does he do for a living that means he's living like a helpless pauper and needs you to Mummy him?

He works in a care home. I'm off work currently because I had cancer last year and have a disability due to having to wait for my op so he's got a lot more than me currently.

In my head I've been doing what's right for the girls, doing the washing, providing the clothes, doing the driving, buying bedding so he has spares in between me getting it washed and dried, Christmas tree, Halloween outfit, even bloody pumpkins to carve ... I'm a mug.

Best thing would probably be for him to move back to his family, get a proper job and then have a home where the kids can go and be properly fed, housed and clothed for longer periods.*

He would likely never see the girls again if he moved back. He has an older child down there who he now has no contact with.

Oh god no OP. Just stop. Sell the oven and treat your kids. You’re their mother, not his!

Maybe I should. He never gets me anything from the girls, I always make sure I get him birthday, fathers day and Christmas stuff from them though.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

1. It is your Christmas. Not your fault he cancelled last year.

1. No changes to Christmas plans after November.
2. He is old enough to have kids, he is old enough to arrange his own lifts, make his own arrangements etc.
3. He cant make his house nice because he has to pay maintenance? FFS!
4. He will try to make you feel bad. He has already shown he has no scruples about this. Tell him to fuck off, you dont owe him a thing.
5. My dog sometimes plays with children when I am walking her. She would not be a good parent to them.

Seriously, what are you doing this to yourself for?

You're right.

I didn't want my little ones to be in the same position as my older ones with no contact. I guess that's on him and not me though.

Yep just step back MASSIVELY.

If he kicks off over this then I'd be giving no more lifts until he apologises.

I would be happy to wash their clothes but he can sort the bedding himself after all he washes his clothes somewhere 🤷🏽‍♀️

Take the oven back and spend the money on yourself.

How did he manage to get legal aid? I thought you couldn't just get it due to low income anymore.

Honestly and I mean this kindly.

What the fuck are you doing?

He can't furnish his house because he has to financially support children that are his?

Children who he doesn't live with because he could be arsed providing for them when he lived with them?

And now you are buying him decorations and kitchen appliances?

And even contemplating driving your dds to him on Christmas, which is your Christmas, to stay in a house with no carpets, no cooker etc?

He isn't a good dad. He has never been a good dad. And you are being a mug.

@Iknowwhatineedtodoreally - yes, sad for the children but his responsibility. Sorry.

@RandomMess

Yep just step back MASSIVELY.

If he kicks off over this then I'd be giving no more lifts until he apologises.

I would be happy to wash their clothes but he can sort the bedding himself after all he washes his clothes somewhere 🤷🏽‍♀️

Take the oven back and spend the money on yourself.

I believe he takes his washing into his work and they do it for him.

I would love to tell him to stick the lifts, I did £300 damage driving back in the stormy weather and he never even offered anything towards it. I don't really want the girls on public transport at the minute though so it's a bit tricky.

I am definitely going to step back where I can.

Return the oven and spend the money on things for you and the girls. Here's my rationale (I'm on a roll now). They only spend 2 days out of every fortnight there vs. 12 with you. They'll get much more benefit from things at your house. And have you considered that as the easy option kind of person he is, he may not even use the oven? He's used to just having the microwave.. he'll probably carry on using that, so even more of a waste.

Glad you are starting to see the light. Time to change the dynamic. You're the girls' mother, you're not his mother. Nor do you want them growing up thinking this is what women do for men.

What the fuck are you doing?

Trying to do right by my girls, and fucking it all up along the way it seems

You're right in everything you say.

I'm doing my usual and trying to clear up after someone else's mess so they don't look bad.

@WinterSunglasses

Return the oven and spend the money on things for you and the girls. Here's my rationale (I'm on a roll now). They only spend 2 days out of every fortnight there vs. 12 with you. They'll get much more benefit from things at your house. And have you considered that as the easy option kind of person he is, he may not even use the oven? He's used to just having the microwave.. he'll probably carry on using that, so even more of a waste.

Glad you are starting to see the light. Time to change the dynamic. You're the girls' mother, you're not his mother. Nor do you want them growing up thinking this is what women do for men.

If I'm honest I thought last year was going to be my last, I got cancer diagnosed literally before lockdown so nothing was done for months and I truly thought he would end up with them which scared me silly so I started doing things which made him look good to ease a possible transition. Turns out I was being dramatic and I'm recovered from the cancer part ok, but got myself into a rut with making him look better than he is.

I'm unsure how to get out of it and remain civil about it now.

You're right though, my girls deserve better from me.

How did he manage to get legal aid?

I'm Scotland so the legal aid is based on income (or it was 4 years ago) legal aid was going to pay his half of mediation and I was going to have to pay for mine from my wages too, but it never went that far.

How old are your adult DC? Would they be guardians for the little ones? Sounds like your ex couldn't be bothered to parent them especially as he didn't bother with his eldest.

Just send him a text.

'I accommodated your changes to the planned Christmas last year, it's now my turn the have the dc over Xmas. I have already made plans and am not prepared to change again, simply because you've decided, at the last minute, to change your plans. You will of course have first refusal next years Christmas Day. If you don't want to see the dc over new year, then you can see them on X weekend as per the agreed schedule'

In the new year I'd also withdraw the driving. If your exdh has moved then it is not up to you to facilitate contact. He needs to sort this himself. I agree that you should encourage a relationship between your dc and their df, but that doesn't mean you do all the donkey work. He's an adult, and as such can sort his own shit out. If he can't get to pick up the dc that's his problem to sold - you are not his mother and he's not 8!

@TooWicked

Why are you running around for him, buying Christmas decorations, etc?

At a real push I would tell him "yes ok you can have the girls, let me know what the arrangements are for picking them up and dropping them off, I've already made plans for the day so won't be doing any driving" and leave it at that.

This. You make them available, that's all you have to do.

In which case I take back what I said earlier about the pyramid, since you obviously had different motivations.

Even so - if there’s any likelihood that he may ever be solely responsible for them (and that’s surely always a possibility where there are two parents) he needs to start practising standing on his own feet. Otherwise there’d be chaos once you weren’t there to organise everything.

I’m glad you’re recovering.

You say you don't want things to end up like they did with your elder children but they will because you are doing the exact same things!

Deadbeat dad you cover up for, you bend over backwards to fool your children into thinking their dad gives a shot, you basically compensate him for being in his children lives and as soon as you no longer do that - he vanishes in a puff of smoke

Keep the children with you its your turn, especially as you have made plans already

Him not having a proper day with them last year is his own fault so dont let it disrupt your day this year...how do you know he wont change his plans again if you do arrange for them to go to him this year?

Him not having anyone to spend christmas with is not your problem either, its his life you can form friendships/relationships for him. He knows when christmas is he could have made plans to travel to his own family or see friends etc

If it was the other way round (it was his turn for christmas with your daughters but it fell on your weekend) he would still want his christmas with the children

@Stade197

Keep the children with you its your turn, especially as you have made plans already

Him not having a proper day with them last year is his own fault so dont let it disrupt your day this year...how do you know he wont change his plans again if you do arrange for them to go to him this year?

Him not having anyone to spend christmas with is not your problem either, its his life you can form friendships/relationships for him. He knows when christmas is he could have made plans to travel to his own family or see friends etc

If it was the other way round (it was his turn for christmas with your daughters but it fell on your weekend) he would still want his christmas with the children

*cant form friendships/relationships

Look up grey rock, OP. That's the way to deal with any nonsense from him.

Your text to ex: No, the children are with me this Christmas. You can have them on [next agreed date] as planned. You will need to make arrangements to pick them up and return them.

If/when he goes into meltdown: The kids are with me this Christmas. Please let me know when you will be arriving to collect them on [agreed date].

And so on. Don't get dragged into any emotional/angry exchanges. You can block him and only communicate via email if he keeps messaging - might be good to have more time to think through your responses and keep grey rocking it.

OP, I'm glad to hear you are recovered and wish you a lovely christmas with your kids and family

What a loser!! The children stay with you. Have a lovely day, don't give him another thought x

Sorry to read your update it’s understandable you were trying to make things better for your girls when you thought they might be with him full time if the worst happened. It didn’t though thank goodness so try to slowly step back. You keep saying you want what’s best for your girls. Lots of good advice my own is that your DC don’t need you to facilitate nice Christmas left over food, pumpkins to carve, decorations being bought etc etc etc at their dads house. They already have that with you! They don’t need you to make their dad look like he’s done it all too. Let them go and just get use to what life is truly like with their dad. Don’t give them false expectations of him and their time with him. They’ll know that dad doesn’t do the nice bits (decorations pumpkin carving whatever) but that it’s okay because they have fun doing that with mum. Let them experience their real dad. Obviously that’s assuming he does basic care of course so yes send a toothbrush if he isn’t and have them bring their clothing home if he doesn’t wash (he SHOULD be doing that minimum but if he isn’t and the girls have to go to him then yes as their mum id ensure they had those basics). I’d also drive them due to COVID and public transport and again that would be for my children’s benefit not his abs I’d do that for them. You don’t need to do the extras though they don’t miss out on those they have them with you and they’ll realise dad is a bit crap as they grow up which is sad for them but it’s truthful and they are better to realise now.

Please stop feeling guilty for his circumstances. He’s a grown man no one forced him to move or to stay. You have your own life focus on that. Return the cooker. Stop the gift giving unless your DC ask to buy him something then spare £5 max and let them lose in supermarket £land (and you’d do that because it benefits them not him). You will be doing best by your girls if you show them a healthy dynamic and that isn’t rushing around making up for their useless dad.

Also seek legal advice re custody and guardianship. Obviously hopefully will never need but given your last year it would set your mind at ease if you formalised that. I have no clue whether he would get full custody or if you could leave them to adult children.

@Iknowwhatineedtodoreally

What the fuck are you doing?

Trying to do right by my girls, and fucking it all up along the way it seems

You're right in everything you say.

I'm doing my usual and trying to clear up after someone else's mess so they don't look bad.

I have been there

Now I have 2 kids who don't bother with him.

The 18 year old thi ks he is a loser. Ds, sees him occasionally because he feels sorry for him.

He hasn't even bothered about Christmas. Just dropping ds off early tomorrow.

He has a new woman so wi be with her and her kids.

My mum died 3 weeks ago. His kids nana. A women he knew 20 years and who still helped him out 'because it's best for the kids'.

He hasn't even passed his condolences to my dad, though he has seen him. Not contacted the kids to see how they are doing. See if they need some support.

Dds uni applications and visits and research. He did non. He hasn't even enquired. She has been offered 3 places, so far, and not even told him.

It gets you nowhere.you make yourself miserable putting yourself out. And in your case feeling guilty. For him to still be shit.

Bet he gets carpets etc when he finds a new woman.

He doesn't get to keep changing plans at the last minute.

Your entire lives don't revolve around making life easy for him. You have kids and your own life.

He needs to sort himself out

wow.

why are you running around facilitating this?

It is your Christmas.
tell him that and don't budge.

This is my Christmas, I want the girls here all Christmas day and I will be having a glass of wine so I am not budging.
You are welcome to come and get them on Boxing day morning and have them for Sunday and bank holiday Monday (27th.)

You need to arrange lifts though.

If you are nice you can offer to collect on 27th.

Time to be nice and polite and friendly and not budge an inch and stop running round him.

Put it this way, if you lived in the condition he was in and Social Services wanted to visit you....would you be nervous they would see your kids living like that?