If you don't have (or can't have) children, how do you bring joy into your life?

[GinandGobbledegook]

It is looking like I won't be able to have children and for lots of reasons I don't think I want them.
But I'm struggling with the idea of my whole life just being me and DH.

Christmas is a good example. Having children means you get to do so many things that make it so magical. Seeing FC, school plays, the excitement on their faces etc.
As a childless adult, that magic isn't there and it's making me sad because Christmas is my favorite time of year (usually, when I'm not feeling so low)

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well. If anyone else is in the same position, how do you make your life fulfilling and fun without children?

Fulfilling or fun? You may have to choose! Find something that matters more to you than having children. Something to throw your heart into, that engrosses your mind and occupies every spare minute.

So - what is your passion? If I gave you a magic wand and one wish, what would it be? What skill would you diligently acquire if it were possible?

I had absolutely no desire to have a child until I was 39, so I had a lot of adult childfree Christmases which were lovely. Some we spent with family, some just DH and I at home in London eating Lebanese food and going to midnight Mass at Westminster Abbey — a couple of years we stayed with friends who have a chalet in the Swiss alps, another year we went to India.

Me and DH don’t want children. I absolutely love Christmas and still find ways to make it magical!

You can definitely still do the sorts of things you’d do if you have kids - this year we went to a Christmas light trail, went to the Christmas markets, went on lots of walks and drives to look at Christmas lights. We’re also fortunate enough to have nieces/nephews and our friends’ children, so it’s lovely to see them, take them for fun trips out and buy them presents.

I would also make sure you have lots of hobbies and things you love to do to keep you busy. We have a dog who we dote on, we take him for loads of walks and spoil him at Christmas

Pets...our dog gives us so much pleasure.

When I could see that having my own children wasn't going to be on the cards, I went through the following thought process:
What types of reasons do people have children for? Well, of course they can have a deep desire to have a child but if the main reason to have a child is to meet your own needs then I'm not sure it is healthy. Maybe the healthiest reason is because you have love that you want to give to a child.
So, having decided that, I decided that there were plenty of children out there to whom I could give love even if they weren't my own and decided to just get on with doing that.
Of course it isn't the same as having your own children but I take immense pleasure and joy in relating to, loving and giving time and attention to the children of a couple of friends in particular. Then I work with children both in a voluntary role and professionally.
Sometimes it is hard and I get angry and upset at the way families with children are portrayed as 'the norm" and those without children as somehow "lesser".
Sometimes it is painful still
Mostly though, I just get on with giving as much as I can and as unconditionally as I can to the children I love.
And then enjoying the fact that I can come home to peace and quiet and lie down in a darkened room to recover!

I try to enjoy my life whenever I can, it's not a special Xmas thing for me. Music and film and books and art and sport and massive hedonistic parties and friends and food and fighting for things I believe in and discovering new things and learning about new things and a job I'm passionate about and doing creative bits and spending time with people I love including DP. There's quite enough joy to be getting on with there. At Christmas I opt out of the bits that bring me no joy, like the commercial shite and the crap music (except the three Christmas songs I actually like) and the enforced jollity. And opt in to mince pies and Christmas parties and special (non-traditional) food on the day.

I'm given to understand that children would mean I couldn't do most of the above. There's a thread about how horrendously selfish some OP's husband is for daring to go for a 90-minute run on Xmas Day and I've never felt happier in my child-free life choices, if that's the kind of poxy scrap of enjoyment that'd be unthinkable as a parent.

‘Don’t have children’ ≠ ‘Can’t have children’.

I am very happily childfree by choice. When we are not in the middle of a global pandemic my life is very much ‘fulfilling & fun’ without children. I don’t envy parents one bit of the grind and drudgery which is constantly complained about on MN. Which is why I made a positive decision to opt out of it. As for Christmas, it isn’t my favourite time of year and it’s very low key in our house, which suits me very well.

People who can’t have children have my sympathy. But those of us who choose not to have them are very happy with our choices.

Go to New York at Xmas. Very Christmassy and lots stays open.
Or if you really want children in your life try fostering or mentoring.
But really enjoy your freedom.
I tell you what I lost after having children - making connections with lots of people and being active in my community.

Christmas is hard. Took me many years not to find it sad and a time of loss, even when I was generally at peace with things the rest of the year. The last few years I have redound the joy in this time of year. I always used to love Christmas before, and I do again now. We enjoy watching Christmas films together, have a small tree, other decks and fairy lights as they make the house feel cosy. Then on Christmas Day we both have a small stocking to open: I enjoy choosing small gifts that I know my husband will love. Christmas Eve I go to our local midnight service: so magical and something I would unlikely have the time for if we did have kids. I do wish we had things like nativity plays to go to, but I don’t dwell on that. Our Christmas is quiet, and loving and relaxing, so very different to the chaos of a family Christmas but still really enjoyable.

General fulfilment at other times of year include: volunteering with children weekly which I love, embracing the time I have to indulge in hobbies, read, have a lie in, or just go out for lunch etc with no prior planning. I love my husband dearly and I am grateful that we have so much time and energy to focus on each other as I am aware that is often difficult with young children. We genuinely love each other’s company which is something I really value. We also have a dog who we adore and was my lifeline In the beginning.

So we’re early 30s and currently undecided about children. Mainly because we have such a fabulous life, some of which we’d have to sacrifice if we were to have children and I’m not sure that’s what I want.
Like a pp, apart from summer, Christmas is my favourite time of year and it’s totally magical. Having no children means we can plan lots of lovely activities around seeing family. Things like ice skating, cocktails in lovely festive hotels, dinners out, the theatre etc.
Then for new year we book a luxury break somewhere we can completely switch off and recharge before heading back to work.

Holidays are a big deal for me and 10 days in a luxury 5* all inclusive in the summer is a non-negotiable which I can’t imagine would be anywhere near as relaxing with children!

I think it does also help that we live in London and none of our friends have children either. In my circle of best friends, none of us have any particular yearning for children so I don’t feel the same pressure other people might if they’re surrounded my couples with kids.

I spend time clearing the allotment, seeing friends who have or don’t have children, going for long walks, catching up on films I don’t normally have the time to see, ditto books.

For me personally, Christmas is hard because 1) I don’t have children and 2) my parents and only sibling died far too soon, so I don’t have a nuclear family of any kind - just a few distant cousins and a niece. The best thing I did was to lower my expectations about the whole period - there is such a lot of pressure to “HAVE FUN!”. I start off with low key expectations, not scroogish, but not with it all planned out to the nth degree either. I treat it as a time to rest and recharge, reinforce some of the personal connections I have, and because I’m an (albeit bad) catholic but still believe in God and heaven and all that stuff, I’ll go to Mass, talk to the big man upstairs, say thank you for good things, say sorry when I’ve acted below par, and ask him to look after my parents and brother.

Then it’s January, and the start of a new year and so many things to look forward to in the garden and on the allotment.

Placemarking for ideas too. I feel similar in that I’m pretty certain I don’t want children but also wonder about missing out on the stuff I loved during my childhood that my siblings will be doing with their children.

‘Don’t have children’ ≠ ‘Can’t have children’.

OP never said that. She said 'or' which is key.

I've a friend who has dogs and makes a lot of time for her nieces. Shes looking forward to retirement now and spending her money rather than worrying about inheritances and children being unable le to afford their own homes.

FWIWI don't think that finding something more fulfilling than children is possible.

“Man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt woman doing it.”
(Chinese proverb)

‘Don’t have children’ ≠ ‘Can’t have children’.

I think the OP is looking for opinions from both camps, which is sensible - understanding why some people have made an active choice not to have children, and what the perceived benefits are, might be helpful; or even just knowing that it is a path chosen by some, not rejected by all.

I'm childfree by choice and just enjoy relaxing over Christmas - having a lie in, cooking what we like, when we like, watching what we like on TV - no pressure to entertain children, no dealing with over-excitemet or anti-climax, no sea of toys and wrapping paper to clear up.

Look for the small pleasures that wouldn't be possible if you had children to think about.

Drugs and kinky sex, same as the rest of the year.

Just with bells on.

@EducatingArti post stood out to me about finding fulfilment. Very wise way of living your life.

I do have children and do all the Christmas activities eg Panto and Christmas walks etc. Sometimes I think they would be a lot more fun with just me and my husband. I wouldn't say that irl for fear of being insensitive. I imagine child free couples having romantic glamorous events all festive period.

I was late deciding that I wanted children (late 30s) so had plenty of child free Christmasses as an adult. It was never a 'thing' as I didn't want my own then, so I spent time with family and friends doing what the hell I felt like.

I have two cats who bring me joy every single day. They make me feel so loved and needed
I also live in a country where Christmas is in summer, so at this time of year I'm looking forward to lots of sunny days and trips to the beach.

www.pandotrip.com/top-10-christmas-towns-and-villages-23516/

I bring joy into my life by not having children, as I have no desire to be a mother. I'd list all the things that make me joyful but I'm not sure it'd even be relevant. I am content and fulfilled as I am; I don't need to do anything to make up for a lack of children in my life, so we are starting from two different places. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for feeling as you do, though - we are just different.

I hope you have a great Christmas and find that spark of joy in whatever way works for you.

Lord almighty. You are so lucky! Peace and quiet, the freedom to do whatever you choose. Never having to compromise or put yourself last. Joy is in the little things.

I've had all different kinds of Christmas and tbh, the success of them was pretty much dependent on how my head was and how life was going generally, not about which location or activity I chose. E.g. after DH died I couldn't bear a standard Christmas without him, so I joined a new friend's family for the day. They'd never known him, all their traditions were slightly different, and it was in a different city. That just about got me through. The next year I volunteered on Christmas Day at a lunch for older people who would have been alone. And the year after that I was ready to re-join my parents and my in-laws and start enjoying it again.

I can't remember all 5, but there are meant to be 5 factors for how content people feel and one of them is "connect" - I would say it's an important one. How connected do you feel to the people who matter to you / people who share your passions? The level of that will vary for different folks, some of us being happy with occasional checking in and some people needing more connected time. Being with people who really get you / doing something you all care about, brings an energy and a joy I would say.

I love a Christmas lights trail and a long chat with old friends while wandering round it, a late night carol service, a walk on Boxing Day. At all those things there are always an equal number of people with/without children. I can take or leave a nativity