If you don't have (or can't have) children, how do you bring joy into your life?

[GinandGobbledegook]

It is looking like I won't be able to have children and for lots of reasons I don't think I want them.
But I'm struggling with the idea of my whole life just being me and DH.

Christmas is a good example. Having children means you get to do so many things that make it so magical. Seeing FC, school plays, the excitement on their faces etc.
As a childless adult, that magic isn't there and it's making me sad because Christmas is my favorite time of year (usually, when I'm not feeling so low)

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well. If anyone else is in the same position, how do you make your life fulfilling and fun without children?

Children can be tedious. Especially other people's. I have one DD but I had her late as I was undecided. I have recently split with DP who has another child. I'll get flamed on here for saying it but haven't made any effort to stay in contact - DD sees her when she is with ex DP or his family. Obviously I treated Ex DPs DD with kindness and respect when she was with us.

Obviously I love DD to bits and find a lot of joy in her and her way of seeing the world but there is also a lot of drudgery involved. A lot of sacrifices to be made.

The world is your oyster, you can really focus on your career, for example and build financial security for early retirement. Once the pandemic is over, you can go on holiday to places that aren't suitable for small children. You can sleep in in the mornings and then get up and enjoy your weekends. I'd try a load of taster classes until you find something you enjoy. Art, cooking, an OU degree in something you like rather than educating yourself for work (my degree, MSc, prof qual are all work related, I plan to do an OU degree in creative writing when DD is a bit older).

Also try and make friends with people who are also child free, or have children who are older. If you try out a few classes and join some groups, you'll find these people there.

It's difficult to answer that question sensitively because so many people think 'Christmas is just for children', I have never believed that, like others I have had many wonderful, joy filled Christmases before I had my DC. I have an only DC born late in our marriage when I was in my 40s and Christmas is no 'better' because I have a DC - in many ways it is a lot harder and often quite tedious doing child centred activities.

But if you desperately want to be a mother it probably doesn't help if I list all the things I love about a DC free Christmas ... I just wish you peace and happiness for the future.

@DickMabutt73962

‘Don’t have children’ ≠ ‘Can’t have children’.

OP never said that. She said 'or' which is key.

And even for some people who do decide not to have children, it’s not necessarily a straightforward or black-and-white situation, the way it is for others who’ve never really question their own conviction that they won’t be having any. I mean while ‘won’t’ and ‘can’t’ are absolutely different, I think there are shades within ‘won’t’ too, even for those who think they’ve made the right choice, as with any major ‘road not taken’ situation.

@Fritilleries not lucky at all if children have been a desire for a long time.
Threads like these can, unfortunately, end up being dotted with those 'don't-say-this-to-infertile-people' patronising comments: 'children aren't all they're cracked up to be', 'I would LOVE a quiet Christmas' etc
The first couple of Christmases after finding out I wouldn't be able to have children were really hard. The whole perfect family image is constantly pushed in our faces.
I suppose I've done as a PP said - changed my expectations. I definitely still find the magic, and don't feel as if there's anything missing anymore. It does take time, though. It's tough changing the focus and finding what works.
We're lucky. We have both sets of parents over and any other waifs and strays who might be on their own otherwise. Lots of food, enough booze, chatter and laughter.
It'll be OK, OP. You'll get there.

As you can tell from my username life with a child isn't automatically magical. I have grieved for the life I thought I would have as a mother. I am just waiting to be the mother of an adult child who I'm pretty sure will blossom when he finds his way in life.

In your position, travel and friendships would bring me so much joy.

I never wanted to have children and have plenty of joy in my life. The idea that someone who doesn't have a child is doomed to a life of misery is ridiculous.

Also try and make friends with people who are also child free, or have children who are older. If you try out a few classes and join some groups, you'll find these people there.

The reason for saying this is because parents of small children can be unreliable friends.

There's a difference between bringing joy into your life and bringing joy into Christmas.

And having children in order to find fulfilment is a HUGE amount of pressure to put on your potential future kids.

What elements of your life do you already find fulfilling, OP? And how might you build on those / celebrate them, rather than focusing on what you don't have right now?

Community, friends, existing family, your friends' kids, activities you love, your partner...

Once you have children you're pushed to the sidelines of your life. This way you get to be the stars- you and DH and you can do whatever you want!

Follow those hobbies and passions. Travel. Take risks. Make lots of friends. Invite friends round. Party. Volunteer. There's so much I would do.

Also- when you are making friends - or with DCs in your family- there will be some children you get on really well with , maybe even just one child you click with. Try to be the cool auntie (& uncle) figure to that child. My (late) Dsis didn't have DCs she couldn't, and she had a "second mum" (but really a special auntie) relationship with my DCs, especially my youngest.
She took them out, played with them, babysat. They had the closest bond.

Each of my DCs have a friend or auntie/uncle figure that just happened naturally - an adult- that they are close to as they have some interest or sense of humour in common- and we have old neighbours that we call auntie and uncle. I know it's not the same as having your own DCs but for eg my sister was so close to them she got the beat of both worlds. All the fun and none of the ties and exhaustion or mundanity.

Honestly, I find the title of this thread a bit jarring.

It’d be like posting “If you don’t own a BMW, how do you get any pleasure out of driving”?

I get you’re coming from a place of hurt, OP, but I don’t have children (largely by choice- discovered we would need some assistance and decided not to pursue it) and I can tell you I’m happier in life than 99% of people I meet. Not directly because I don’t have children (though it’s definitely a factor; more so that other people who have had kids are miserable because of it), but because I’ve never seen a child as some holy grail.

I have so many friends whose lives have disimproved because of having children- whether because of disability, financial issues, health problems, relationship situations, feeling of regret etc. They all love their children but there are huge downsides to becoming a parent.
I have older two siblings and they have actively discouraged me from having children because their experiences have been so tough.

Having children ≠ constant fun and fulfillment. In many cases, it’s the opposite. It’s fear, guilt, tiredness, and a million other emotions.

Could you do fun activities that bring joy to other children. Like hiring a Santa costume and going around giving out chocolate and then once you're done... go home to your lovely clean home with your pile of gold....

In hindsight, I wish I hadn't had children. But now I have two that I love. I would play sport and go to the gym when I wanted, meet up with friends, go for meals (alone or with others). I think the main thing is that if you are happy in your own company, you should be ok.

Me and DH are childfree by choice. We have plenty of fun and joy in our life.

We both love Christmas. We have a real Christmas tree each year and decorate it together. We have Christmas ornaments we have collected in our 40 years of marriage and each one holds a memory.

We go overboard on outside lights and decorations and our neighbours love it.

We go to Christmas markets and light displays. We go for long walks with our dogs.

We love not having children. None of the endless worry about them, none of the whinging, screeching etc that children do. None of the tantrums.

Last year because of covid we spent Christmas just us and our dogs, We had a wonderful day with lovely food and presents. Our neighbours each side have children and we could hear throughout the day crying, screaming, shouting, arguing. The parents sounded like their day was far from happy.

Child free by choice here.
I find we usually get roped in to either 'providing' Christmas or attending Christmas for/with elderly family members or family members who are on their own because the family members with children only want to spend Christmas day with their own nuclear family - 'oh, Cake, you wouldn't understand because you don't have kids, and Christmas is about the children really.....' . Selfish arseholes.

DH and I do plenty of Christmassy stuff - we spent last week on holiday is Suffolk and did the rounds of some beautiful churches decorated for Christmas, wandered round villages like Lavenham which are stunning anyway, but decked out for Christmas are on another level completely.

We often go away for a week in December - Salzburg, Vienna, Paris (not at the moment obviously) and do lots of things that we couldn't do with children in tow - concerts, serious food shopping, long walks, long lunches.

We're off to Edinburgh today for a walk around the New Town to look at front door wreaths and beautiful Christmas trees, and a lovely lunch before a walk around the botanics. It's misty and cold and I'm looking forward to it hugely.

Generally, we both enjoy a quiet life. We have good friends and spend time with family, have hobbies and interests, spend lots of time outdoors. We love cooking and eating together.

My life is filled with joy and happiness in so many ways and I wouldn't change it for anything.

We have good friends and spend time with family, have hobbies and interests, spend lots of time outdoors. We love cooking and eating together.

We always did this before children and we still do it. Not the same way, of course, but now that they're older I find that we do these things with them rather than around them if that makes sense.

I've no doubt that our lives would be happy and fulfilled if we had decided that children were not for us, or our cirucmstances had been different. I would never change that we have them though.

I have a DD now but she was quite unexpected and I did have a few years when I found Xmas very difficult because of the focus on families/ children.

I love breaking up the winter with holidays! A city break somewhere festive before Xmas and then maybe further afield after Xmas somewhere warm and sunny. I know that's a bit more difficult in these times but it really helped to have a trip to look forward to

As a childless adult, that magic isn't there and it's making me sad because Christmas is my favorite time of year

This is so not true. There are the joys of other people's children - nephews, nieces, children of friends.

You've swallowed a load of garbage aimed at women - that their only value and "joy" in life is through having children.

See yourself as liberated to become whatever you want to become. If you really want to have children in your life, what about working for a children's charity? Helping many, many children? Or fostering?

It's really tough. I've been there. Spent my forties feeling completely sidelined by a sexist society which valued me only by the productivity of my womb. It wasn't possible (for both physical & social reasons). Instead of giving in to the sexism, I forged another path.

Seek out other women's stories of lives lived fully, richly, joyfully, without biological children of my own.

It’s unrealistic to think that children always bring joy to your life. In all honesty mine have brought drudgery, stress & misery a lot of the time.

Joy can be found through so many things in life. I find joy through nature, reading and travel when I can.

FWIWI don't think that finding something more fulfilling than children is possible

Speak for yourself

I can’t imagine why anyone would want children. Why you’d want to get covered in sick snot pee and poo and be on duty all hours for years of your life to care for them. The endless drudgery of it. Lack of free time or even time to yourself. The pressure on relationships.

As for me I have pets. I have lie ins, money and the ability to spend it all on myself if I want to.

I have friends who I go for dinner, drinks, walks, holidays, day trips, spa days and weekends away with.

I have hobbies/volunteer work that I am passionate about that I believe benefit more than just me.

But the main one really is that I can do what I want when I want.

@WhatAHexIGotInto We always did this before children and we still do it. Not the same way, of course, but now that they're older I find that we do these things with them rather than around them if that makes sense.

This thread isn't a general bunfight about childfree lifestyles - the OP is trying to find a way to navigate life without the children she desperately wants. Your contribution is pretty tactless.

The period of time when children really bring joy on a regular basis is very short. My DC are now 18 & 20. I love them dearly and I love the small amounts of time they've given me over the last few years, but life would be quite sad if that was all I was living for.

I'm also widowed so don't have a DP for joy.

Things that have brought me joy over the last week or two:

• seeing a band with friends
• supporting vulnerable children in my work
• Fixing the roller blind all by myself
• A beautiful view
• Being able to run again after a period out with injury
• Friends who have stuck around despite what's been an awful year for me

Meet the Pirate Cat King

At Christmas, it is definitely tough. A lot of the friends I have/had are all doing wonderfully festive things with children.

So

I do wonderfully festive things either on my own or with other friends or DP

Things like trying fondue, a new recipe, some sort of festive thing I’ve always wanted to eat and ear mark the time.
I listen to festive music on my headphones constantly because it gives me joy. I sing along sometimes too.
I wrap presents and spend more on others just because I see things I think they would like.
They’re my happiness triggers. Sometimes happiness triggers can take a bit more work to identify than negative triggers but find which ones are yours.

I agree Christmas day without children is a bit flat, but unless you have 100s, it's only really 5/6 Christmases when children are interested/ing.

As a childless adult, that magic isn't there and it's making me sad because Christmas is my favorite time of year

I’m child free, as opposed to childless. I think Christmas is about making your own magic. So it won’t be leaving a carrot out for the reindeer but it will be about making traditions that make you feel happy.

So we have a huge beautiful tree, we buy a couple of new baubles for it each year. We often do a trip away around this time of year. We make a lot of effort around food etc. We spoil each other rotten with presents. We go to a local Christmas market and call into a nice hotel for cocktails. We might do a wreath making class, or a pottery lesson, or something fun. We make home made sausage rolls on Christmas Eve and watch a Christmas Carol with just the fairy lights on. If we decide to go to midnight mass at the last minute, we can. If we want to get dressed up and go out, we can. We do whatever we want on Christmas Day. If we want a lay in, we have one. If we want to get up, go to the beach with a flask and blast out the cobwebs, we do. There are few things nicer than laying on the sofa after a beautiful dinner and deciding whether to eat your body weight in chocolate, or read your new book, or have a nap, or play a board game. I’m not feeling it this year, simply because I have the worst cold in the year, but Christmas is absolutely blissful and it’s my favourite time of the year.