If you don't have (or can't have) children, how do you bring joy into your life?

[GinandGobbledegook]

It is looking like I won't be able to have children and for lots of reasons I don't think I want them.
But I'm struggling with the idea of my whole life just being me and DH.

Christmas is a good example. Having children means you get to do so many things that make it so magical. Seeing FC, school plays, the excitement on their faces etc.
As a childless adult, that magic isn't there and it's making me sad because Christmas is my favorite time of year (usually, when I'm not feeling so low)

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well. If anyone else is in the same position, how do you make your life fulfilling and fun without children?

I solved this problem by not being that fussed about Christmas in the first place. Yes I enjoy all the twinkly lights, mulled wine etc but for me it's about seeing friends, getting out for walks, eating good food. However, most of my friends also don't have or want kids and so there's no sense of something missing for me, we do loads of really fun stuff together but also have plenty of fulfillment in our own lives.

I recall a friend who'd just had a baby telling me that I should have kids because life is basically empty without them and it was all I could do not to tell her to fuck right off, especially as she herself had never wanted them. Ironically she recently told me that she had some regret about having them because her life was now entirely focused on them and facilitating her husband's glittering career while her own floundered due to only being able to work in school hours.

s a childless adult, that magic isn't there

If you read the threads on here, I don't think it's all about the magic for parents. Lots of strife with grandparents giving too many presents or not enough; what comes from Santa and what doesn't, horror of horrors a DC has stumbled on their Santa gifts or been told by another DC that Santa doesn't exist; who's having Christmas where in blended families; the family is having to isolate because of cases at school/nursery ...

I am slightly bemused by the idea that you can only have fun at any time with kids.

At Christmas I love wandering round a Christmas market, drinking mulled wine.
Go to a good show.
Go ice skating
wander down town centre looking at Christmas lights
Have a lie- in on Christmas day, then lazy breakfast and open presents over coffee

Ugh can't stand the 'Christmas is for the children' rhetoric. I find a lot of things that are child friendly at Christmas a bit twee and tacky. Would rather be out on a lovely country walk than at some horrendous santa's grotto. There are SO many things I love about Christmas, and last year's Christmas with just me and DH was one of our favourites ever. Our town had a Christmas tractor parade the other night and it felt so magical and wonderful, and we didn't have any kids with us.

Long term I'm not sure as I'm not in the same boat as you and can't offer advice, but Christmas is one of my favourite times of year and I don't have children, and have never once felt like I'm missing out or it's not exciting enough without all the father christmas elf on the shelf tat. It's just good food and lovely people and time off work for me.

FWIW I don't think that finding something more fulfilling than children is possible

This is utter rubbish, and hugely insulting to the many people who've not had children. It also indicates a narrowness in your own life & thinking.

My husband & I are childfree by choice. Until last year we spent every Christmas for 15 years at families homes. We both have large, extended families who are close and they have always been children around of varying ages. We witnessed very few moments of joy. That only happened once the kids were asleep!

Christmas 2020 has been our best one so we’ve decided to spend every 22-26 December by ourselves. This year we have theatre bookings, afternoon tea, a couple pub lunches & dinners, carols at the Royal Albert Hall, ice skating, the little Christmas market at London Bridge and a few other bits. We are really excited!

couldn't have children
We have a large family get together at xmas
have fun with friends
travel a lot
concentrated on my career
have time for us
we always chose to spend time with our friends and family who have children and were welcomed with open arms
I think I would have liked to have had children but my life has been full in a different way

Children I am sure bring joy to their parents.

And I love my nieces.

But I never, ever thought they would bring me joy. So I didn't have any.

I couldn't think of anything worse than being a parent. Genuinely.

But I still support people who do, if that's what floats their boat.

@Mindthegaps

My husband & I are childfree by choice. Until last year we spent every Christmas for 15 years at families homes. We both have large, extended families who are close and they have always been children around of varying ages. We witnessed very few moments of joy. That only happened once the kids were asleep!

Christmas 2020 has been our best one so we’ve decided to spend every 22-26 December by ourselves. This year we have theatre bookings, afternoon tea, a couple pub lunches & dinners, carols at the Royal Albert Hall, ice skating, the little Christmas market at London Bridge and a few other bits. We are really excited!

Good for you - that sounds fabulous. Enjoy!

'FWIW I don't think that finding something more fulfilling than children is possible'

Oh good god. It's that famous parental empathy and sensitivity at work again! There's always one....🤦

Really good question OP, and I think it applies all year round. Not having children, you have to actively seek out what gives you joy and meaning. It can be a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself better, and to live life to a large extent on your own terms. That can feel daunting, but gets much easier with practice I find.

Re magical moments with children, no doubt that's true to a point. Theres also a huge amount of stress, hassle, mess, expense and no doubt disappointment. I don't think it's all roses. You've had some great suggestions about fun adult stuff to do at Christmas

What bunfight @Twopenny? What on earth are you talking about? Did you miss the other part of my post, or did it just not meet your need to have a pop at someone today?

I've no doubt that our lives would be happy and fulfilled if we had decided that children were not for us, or our circumstances had been different.

Not only am I not having the joy of children at Christmas, I've just got notification that I've tested positive for Covid. So, home isolating alone over the entire Christmas period.

@WhatAHexIGotInto I don't think its helpful or appropriate to come onto the thread and point out that you as parents can still do the things that childless people find joy in. And you've neglected to quote the remaining part of your post in full:

I've no doubt that our lives would be happy and fulfilled if we had decided that children were not for us, or our cirucmstances had been different. I would never change that we have them though.

It's nice that you wouldn't change being a parent. Not sure why you'd say that on a thread where the OP is struggling with being childless, though.

@Twopenny the OP has said that said that she doesn't think she wants children. There are literally hundreds of threads on here which could try as hard as you are to twist a posters words. 🤷

Thank you @FrazzledY9Parent! you and my MIL are the only two that have said something positive . We’ve have received a lot of flack. We told everyone beginning of this year we planned on having a quiet Christmas from now on and they didn’t believe us. My sister who lives three hours away isn’t speaking to me. She wanted me to look after her children tomorrow while she finished her present shopping. Her husband is off but is checking work emails (he has a VERY important job so cannot possibly look after his kids).

Good grief - my child is bringing me literally no joy at the moment. I go through periods of wishing I had never embarked on having children. OP be glad.

[quote Twopenny]**@WhatAHexIGotInto* We always did this before children and we still do it. Not the same way, of course, but now that they're older I find that we do these things with them rather than around them if that makes sense.*

This thread isn't a general bunfight about childfree lifestyles - the OP is trying to find a way to navigate life without the children she desperately wants. Your contribution is pretty tactless.[/quote]
The OP actually said "and for lots of reasons I don't think I want them". Maybe you should read posts properly

The child focused Christmas that you describe really only lasts between age 3 and 10.
So for 7 years per child. Most families are in this “magical” Santa phase for 10 years at most.

[quote Twopenny]@WhatAHexIGotInto I don't think its helpful or appropriate to come onto the thread and point out that you as parents can still do the things that childless people find joy in. And you've neglected to quote the remaining part of your post in full:

I've no doubt that our lives would be happy and fulfilled if we had decided that children were not for us, or our cirucmstances had been different. I would never change that we have them though.

It's nice that you wouldn't change being a parent. Not sure why you'd say that on a thread where the OP is struggling with being childless, though.[/quote]
Completely agree, insensitive and irrelevant to the OP. Seems like you can’t have a single post about childlessness without parents popping up and giving their view on something they can never fully understand

I really don't think you'll be helped by hearing from intentionally childfree people. We are an entirely different animal to the childless.
For instance, for me, a childfree Christmas is totally gorgeous and having a child around would ruin it for me!
Some of the things we/I do through December to make it joyful include (and in previous years have included) ice-skating, carols by candle light, Christmas wine tasting, foraging for foliage and making a wreath, visiting a Christmas market, booking into a hotel for an overnight stay somewhere beautiful to see the lights, going for a long walk before collecting our turkey from the farmer, having friends round for mulled wine and mince pies. Then on the day we always host family (there just happens to be no kids in the family yet, so it's all adults) and have a really nice day.
Aside from Christmas, I live in a national park and get immense joy (which sometimes brings me to tears) from hiking and cycling and generally exploring the area, and soaking up and being grateful for the sheer beauty that surrounds me. On a smaller level, DH and I have an active social life and get joy from seeing friends, going for a nice meal, hanging out with our dog, sprucing up our home, and just generally having a laugh together every day.

I didn’t have kids until I was 37 so here’s what I used to do pre kids

• go on multiple Christmas parties /drinking before Christmas
• be able to go out and celebrate my friends birthday on the 27th December

Lots of leisurely Christmas shopping often involving lunch with friends Visit relatives Go on holiday - I’ve been to Disneyland and Iceland immediately after Christmas! Go to church and go carol singing Lots of shopping in the Christmas sales Go to a pantomime Go to see Christmas lights Did lots of baking Christmassy food Host Christmas dinner Buy me and my OH an advent calendar

Pets!! Lots of!!
We never had DC until 39 and I can tell you , you love your pets like they are children -all that love you have, so nice petting your little animal that loves you.
I have terrible furbaby guilt for having DS as my poor original babies don’t get a look in now!
We’d go fun days out and do “ family “ things, just us ?
Also my pre baby makeup collection was spectacular…

My life is fun and fulfilled because I don't have children. HTH.

Thank you everyone for your input. Lots of digest here which I will do when I get home from work.

I am sorry to anyone who's in the process of grieving not having children.

It's a really strange thought process for me as I go back and forth often. I can't have children (we don't think, I have been refused tests for a couple of reasons)
Most of the time I think I've come to terms with it and then something will happen and I'll doubt myself (not that I can do anything about it)

There's a huge mix of ideas and opinions on the thread which I appreciate (even the drugs and kinky sex comment )

I think when I'm feeling low anyway, these feelings are inflated. You're right, I need to look at my passions and interests and focus on that.