If you don't have (or can't have) children, how do you bring joy into your life?

[GinandGobbledegook]

It is looking like I won't be able to have children and for lots of reasons I don't think I want them.
But I'm struggling with the idea of my whole life just being me and DH.

Christmas is a good example. Having children means you get to do so many things that make it so magical. Seeing FC, school plays, the excitement on their faces etc.
As a childless adult, that magic isn't there and it's making me sad because Christmas is my favorite time of year (usually, when I'm not feeling so low)

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well. If anyone else is in the same position, how do you make your life fulfilling and fun without children?

I would love children but I’ve never met anyone to start a family with. Being single and childless is also very different… I’d love to do a proper grown up Christmas but not alone.

I put a lot of effort into decorating my flat, and treat myself to basically whatever I want clothes/ food wise. I’m a Reception teacher so get a lot of joy from my class too.

There’s always that twinge of sadness and regret, but I try and look on the bright side and see the positives.

I actually would find having young children an enormous PITA at Christmas (and the rest of the year too ). Elf on the shelf and being desperate to get them the latest toy, sitting through interminable school plays and tantrums on Christmas Day.
More than happy as I am thanks

'Most of the time I think I've come to terms with it and then something will happen and I'll doubt myself (not that I can do anything about it)'

OP, I think this kind of ambivalence about having children is more common than we realise. I decided not to have children a long time ago, but then went through periods of desperately wanting a baby, despite knowing that I wouldn't have handled the reality of it very well. It ended up being a decision I had to grieve very deeply, and for a long time, despite knowing deep down that it was the right one for me. I'm 42 now, and I'm grateful that I don't have children, while also feeling very sensitive about it. It's a very strange place to be in, but like you, I have mostly made my peace with it. You're not alone in finding it all very complex!

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

FWIWI don't think that finding something more fulfilling than children is possible

Speak for yourself

I can’t imagine why anyone would want children. Why you’d want to get covered in sick snot pee and poo and be on duty all hours for years of your life to care for them. The endless drudgery of it. Lack of free time or even time to yourself. The pressure on relationships.

As for me I have pets. I have lie ins, money and the ability to spend it all on myself if I want to.

I have friends who I go for dinner, drinks, walks, holidays, day trips, spa days and weekends away with.

I have hobbies/volunteer work that I am passionate about that I believe benefit more than just me.

But the main one really is that I can do what I want when I want.

Absolutely all of this. I never had any desire to have children, I didn't want that drain on my time or my life. I find a lot of joy in Christmas as part of a couple, being a family of two and a kitten is enough. If you can't bear the thought of living your life just with your husband though then you might want to rethink things on that front, why is it a struggle for you?

Childfree by choice. DH and I love Christmas! We get very excited by the tree, carols and the magical atmosphere of the season. As for joy, our home is full of attention it 😊 our two dogs bring us so much joy, and so much love, we frequently laugh at their silliness.

We don’t feel that we are missing out on anything, for us, kids would just bring a whole heap of stress. And as for Christmas Day not being the same without kids around, yeah we don’t have any shrieking or kids quarrelling so I’m inclined to agree! It’s easy to see things through rose tinted lense but the kids that exist on cheesy Christmas TV movies don’t exist if my friends children are anything to go by 😂 they just want to sit in their rooms and play on their x boxes til they leave hone.. and kids don’t believe in Father Christmas for long enough to worry about missing out on the ‘nice’ parts anyway!

FWIWI don't think that finding something more fulfilling than children is possible

In that case, you need to get yourself a life 😂

@Alarmset

I agree Christmas day without children is a bit flat, but unless you have 100s, it's only really 5/6 Christmases when children are interested/ing.

I have never ever found Christmas Day without children flat. All my Christmas Days have been filled with fun and laughter.

When our nieces and nephews were young if anything Christmas Day was more stressful. There always seemed to be one child having a tantrum at any given time. They didn't like the food, they wanted to watch tv (tv is never switched on over Christmas) etc

@Lottapianos I agree that this sort of ambivalence is pretty common. In my early to mid 30s being childless was a source of enormous grief for me. I was devastated. However, now I am almost 44 I am actually glad that I don’t have kids. My relationship is stronger for it and we both enjoy a fairly quiet and slow paced life, which I don’t think would be compatible with children. We love where we live, but would probably have had to move as our house is tiny. We both enjoy our freedom and are lucky enough have the money to do pretty much what we like in life. Most of the people close to us who have had children seem utterly miserable most of the time tbh and spend a lot of time moaning about their children/ lives.
I also think that is is easy, when we are grieving to look at Christmas being this idyllic family time with nativity plays, visits to Santa etc. But these are only small snapshots of the season. And as PP mentioned, this ‘magic’ only lasts a few years when they are young enough to believe in Santa. I think it’s easy for us to build a fantasy up in our heads. I went to Disneyworld a few years ago and had an amazing time. The sort of place that sounds like the best children’s holiday ever? Well most of the parents looked utterly miserable and stressed. I witnessed so many tantrums and children getting upset from all the queues, crowds etc, lots of telling children off or parents shouting at each other in frustration etc. I’m sure they did have some nice bits but tbh the happiest people there generally seemed to be the adults without children. I kind of think the same about Christmas - it isn’t all what we may think it is, when we imagine it. For myself and DH it is a lovely, relaxed time with lots of fun and no tantrums/ arguments, which seems not to be the case for a lot of the families around us

I've loved reading this thread as it is such a difficult topic that should be talked about. I feel sad for OP if she wanted DCs but also hopeful she can find a way forward x You don't need to birth a child to be important to them ! It takes a village and all that..,

Because my (Late) Dsis was so fulfilled in her life without children but also having a very special Auntie relationship with mine. She was so close to my youngest and my older two.

I have same auntie relationship (but I have less time) with some of my friends DCs some now adults

Having DCs is wonderful but as a mum of 3 I can't pretend it has been easy or that I get the best bits other than even when I'm exhausted I love them . I have valued every adult friend that loves my children and I loves my relationship with others friend/family DCs that I am particularly close to. You just click sometimes

But also really appreciate that I gave up my life (lone parent & became disabled) and hobbies , when I had DCs in a way I miss. (But it's not about me)

I think there is opportunity out there to dip in and out and to have extremely fulfilling lives without having children just through wonderful things you can do - but also noting you can have children around that you love ❤️ in your social or family group, if you want.

I hope you fine what you need
And want in your life OP 💕@GinandGobbledegook

@EssexLioness your experience of Disney World is the same as ours of Longleat. We went for DH's 37 birthday. We visited every single animal enclosure and attraction because we weren't slowed down by kids tagging along with us, had the spare cash to buy all of the 'extras' (fish to hand feed the sealions with etc), and had a chilled and peaceful lunch. All we saw all day was kids getting told off and shouted at, and every time I visited the toilets I heard exasperated mums begging "please just TRY to go for a wee"!

@OfMinceAndMen Yes - we go to all sorts of attractions without children.

Exactly as you say, you can linger as long as you like over things DC would probably find 'boring'. You can take your time having a coffee and relaxing without being pestered to move onto the next thing.

We were at an English heritage site last summer and a nearby family in the picnic area suddenly had to deal with what I believe is called a 'poonami' from their baby - we hastily looked away but they had to go home because the poo had gone all over the poor mum's clothes. We were not envious of their joyous family day out .

Finally, you can give the manic screaming carnage that is the 'children's adventure playground' a wide berth!

Haha @ArblemarzipanTFruitcake it sounds like many of us have really similar experiences of day trips!
I'd love to say I've totally avoided poonami's, but when our terrier backflips into a fresh cowpat its not pretty!! 😅

Nature. Dogs. Art. Crafts.

Some of these comments make me wonder if having much younger siblings is partly the reason why I don’t have a desire to have children.
I remember growing up, every day out being tainted by their tantrums, needing the toilet, being ill etc. And as the older sibling having to always go along with what they wanted to do and my parents basically relying on me as an unpaid babysitter.
All I ever wanted to do was do some more grown up activities or go shopping or see a film which wasn’t a U or PG but we always had to do things that amused the babies.
I’m not sure I want to spend my adulthood doing the same.

@Sunsetsupernova

Some of these comments make me wonder if having much younger siblings is partly the reason why I don’t have a desire to have children. I remember growing up, every day out being tainted by their tantrums, needing the toilet, being ill etc. And as the older sibling having to always go along with what they wanted to do and my parents basically relying on me as an unpaid babysitter. All I ever wanted to do was do some more grown up activities or go shopping or see a film which wasn’t a U or PG but we always had to do things that amused the babies. I’m not sure I want to spend my adulthood doing the same.

I'm an older sibling too - it would be interesting to know if there's a correlation. My younger sister, sadly, is 'childless' rather than childfree, having struggled to conceive and then suffered a MC followed by premature menopause . When we were young she was the one who played with baby dolls and 'mummy' type role play whereas I had no interest at all.

What you say about the younger child's needs tainting daily life certainly resonates. Not her fault, but my sister was prone to vomiting as a child and it ruined many a day out.

@OfMinceAndMen & @ArblemarzipanTFruitcake, yes I recognise this sort of experience from several day trips. I think Disneyworld stood out the most for me as it is so expensive and often seen as a trip of a lifetime for families/ kids. But actually it is tiring and quite an over stimulating environment for young children which often just ends in misery. The Poonami incident is something I am definitely pleased not to have experienced. It seems such a normal part of parenthood too. I remember a post on here ages ago where someone was talking about catching her child’s sick in her hands 🤢 and several posters said they had done the same thing. I just can’t imagine!
Basically days out as adults are generally relaxing, and fun. You can do what you like and skip the parts you don’t want to do (like the playground). You can have a leisurely lunch or coffee and cake in the on site cafe and savour every moment or walk for miles if you want to, without endless complaints. There is a lot of value in having the freedom to do what you want. I often look at families on days out and think they have spent a small fortune on this day and they all look miserable, the kids are whining and no one is able to really do what they want to do - why bother! All just looks so miserable to me. I think part of my grieving for children when younger was based on a fantasy in my head, which seems very different to reality. I have met so many parents and they seem to do nothing but moan, day after day about what a pain their kids are, the relentless drudgery of their lives etc, but then unconvincingly tell you ‘it’s all worth it though’!

Wider family (lots of kids you can give back), a passion, often within a community, a great job with meaning and (this is a huge part, what we come how
to) - dogs.

I think the common theme in this thread is to get dogs:)

My rescue.

When I couldn’t hold my children, I held my dog.

The joy we found together was immeasurable.

Being out in the countryside with her was a gift.

@CaliforniaDrumming spot on! And if your dog doesn’t fulfil you, take on a bonkers rescue dog, give it a few months to love it, and you’ll have a mission for … a dogs lifetime 😃

Sadly I can't get a dog right now:) Though I dream of one some day. I don't recognise the miserable times with children detailed on this thread either, though I don't want to derail the thread.

'I'm an older sibling too'

Ditto, and two parents who are very hard work. I do feel like I spent a lot of my early life caring for others and putting their needs first. I'm still a caring person but much more on my terms now. I would be absolutely suffocated by having to care for a small child day in and day out

Cats and animal rescue.

I don't imagine anyone would claim that ALL family days out are miserable @CaliforniaDrumming. For every screaming child there might be five having a brilliant time - they just don't stand out as much.
But I think it's worth making the point (for those who are struggling with their childless status) that having kids isn't a guaranteed route to joyfulness, and not having them can be fantastic too.

Yes, agree. Forget I said anything. Sorry. I have several childfree friends. They travel a lot, do creative stuff, bake/cook elaborate meals, and also each have a particular passion related to their work. Around Xmas they usually go to a beach:) ( not this year).