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Original poster

Champagne and MIL

133 replies

HermioneAndRoger · 18/12/2021 16:24

I know this is very much a first-world problem so no snarky comments to that effect, please.

All being well we hope to have a few family members here for Christmas. My brother works in the wine industry and it is a bit of a tradition that he gets hold of a nice bottle of champagne for a toast at family celebrations. This year he has excitedly told me that he has got hold of something really special that he sourced in 2020 and has been carefully storing ever since.

My very lovely MIL does not drink wine because it gives her terrible headaches. This is absolutely fine with everyone and honestly nobody gives it a second thought. We always offer her an alternative which she usually accepts but she insists on being given a glass of Champagne along with everyone else and then always tips it down the sink or into a plant pot when she thinks no-one is looking. I saw her do it once and have noticed it every time since. I know this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things but the waste really irritates me and I just don't understand why she does it. She would be mortified if I said anything but equally the champagne is a rare and special treat for the rest of us and I do not want to see another glass go to my peace lily. Is there anything kind or diplomatic I can do about this? I have tried offering a mimosa / Buck's Fizz in the past to minimise the waste without success.

OP posts:
HumourReplacementTherapy · 18/12/2021 19:42

Just get one of those small bottles of cava or Prosecco and pour hers from that.

rookiemere · 18/12/2021 19:43

You can buy mini bottles of Prosecco for around £2.50. I'd do the pouring elsewhere and give her that - make sure you hand the glasses out correctly though Wink.
But if you can't do it discreetly, she should get a small glass of champagne. It sounds like it gives her pleasure to be part of the ceremony, don't pull her up on throwing it away if that happens.

MindyStClaire · 18/12/2021 19:50

[quote RJnomore1]@HermioneAndRoger could you give us a ballpark for the value of the champagne?[/quote]
Does it matter? Surely it's the principle of the things regardless. And the brother isn't paying full retail anyway.

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RJnomore1 · 18/12/2021 20:19

It does matter Mindy.

I think if people knew the value of the item being wasted they might have a different view of pandering to such ridiculous behaviour from a grown adult.

Whether the brother is paying full price or not is really neither here nor there.

Bunny2021 · 18/12/2021 20:30

Absolutely go for stunt bubbles. If it was just a standard champagne I wouldn’t mind but knowing the cost of some bottles I’ve drunk (where a glass would be more expensive than a bottle of standard fizz) I’d be absolutely fuming!

Also - host perks means you should definitely get her share 😉

ChristmasRobins · 18/12/2021 20:38

There’s the Christmas spirit Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 18/12/2021 20:47

Just talk to her discreetly, say you know she dislikes wine but you'd like her to be able to join in with the toasts, so suggest you pour her something she'll like instead, like schloer or appletise.

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2021 21:02

@MindyStClaire

I know it's irritating, but everyone does something that irritates others and I'm sure you do things that MIL turns a blind eye to. Imagine how embarrassed she'd be if she realised she was given the cheap stuff while everyone else had the real stuff. Even more insulting when it's for a toast. It's not worth it, Just let it go.
Why should she be embarrassed to be given the cheap stuff when she doesn’t even drink it? She pours it away! A reasonable person would leave the champagne to the champagne drinkers and be happy with a substitute for the toast.
MrsTimRiggins · 18/12/2021 21:08

Gosh, that would really annoy me!! What a waste! Agree with using the stunt bubbles.

Sally872 · 18/12/2021 21:16

I agree replace with prosecco or cava though. I would worry appetiser or shloer may be a different colour or smell would could give it away as she pretends to drink it.

buckeejit · 18/12/2021 21:37

I'd pour her something else too but seriously she pours it on your plants? Your fucking plants?! That's so rude

Original poster
HermioneAndRoger · 18/12/2021 22:13

[quote RJnomore1]@HermioneAndRoger could you give us a ballpark for the value of the champagne?[/quote]
From what he has said I don’t believe you could buy this particular bottle any more as it’s such as small producer but if you could I think it would be around the £200 mark.

Several posters obviously think I should let this go and I’ve been reflecting on why it bothers me so much. It’s not really about the monetary value of the champagne; as a pp said it’s not as if my DB has paid the RRP for it. I think it’s more that because he lives in a small flat where he can’t physically host our family, providing a really nice bottle or two for a special occasion is his way of contributing to hosting duties and when MIL tips hers away it feels like an insult to him. He doesn’t know and I’d rather he didn’t find out.

OP posts:
ChristmasRobins · 18/12/2021 22:25

Honestly, OP, you may mean well but what you’re proposing sounds like an absolute clown show. Are you seriously suggesting you’ll pour a different drink, which is highly unlikely to look identical to the champagne when they’re next to each other, then somehow ensure your MIL takes the fake glass not one of the others and that she doesn’t sniff or sip what she has? It’s a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings on all sides.

Either carry on as you are or ask her discreetly if she’s like a soft alternative. It’s really not worth it. Or if you’re worried about DB’s feelings, mention to him that MIL likes joining in but doesn’t actually like drinking champagne. I doubt he’ll give a shit.

givethatbabyaname · 18/12/2021 23:23

That’s very kind of you OP, on your DB’s behalf.

I stick with my original suggestion. Without overdoing it, embarrassing DB or MIL, just tell everyone this is really fancy stuff and we’re going to lick the bottle dry haha, not wasting a drop, going to savour every sip. If you don’t want to drink much or any, please say so now, we’ve got xyz else on ice. This is a major treat from DB, let’s all enjoy this!

BobbieT1999 · 19/12/2021 01:29

You need to let it go, or I think this is all going to end badly.

irene9 · 19/12/2021 01:42

Let the woman do what she pleases with her glass of it.
It's all going to end up down the drains anyway whether poured down by her or filtered through a pair of kidneys first.

MirandaBlu · 19/12/2021 03:37

I’m little bit skeptical about substituting when you know she refuses a substitute when asked. I think it’s very likely that whatever you sub won’t be close in appearance to the champagne (this could even happen with two different brands/varieties/years of champagne), and since this particular champagne is new to you you can’t really even try to pick out a match. (It might work if you have coloured/tinted flutes.)

I’d consider these options:

(1) Give her just enough to toast and say you know she often gets headaches from white wine so you don’t want her to feel obligated to drink it if she can’t, and if she tries it and it’s OK for her you’ll fill up her glass.

(2) Do the toast sitting down at the dinner table and don’t have anything within her reach that she can pour it into. Then either

(a) whisk the partially full glass away at the first appropriate opportunity - if she asks you can say it was a mistake, but she likely won’t ask.

Or

(b) while the glass is sitting there half full, have someone pipe up “Oh, this is so good! If anyone won’t finish theirs, pass it to me. “ She might discreetly take them up on it, esp if it’s her son - or perhaps a grandchild if there’s one old enough?

I find it strange that she won't agree to "just a sip" (very, very common) or "someone else finish mine". Does your husband have any insight on this?

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 19/12/2021 06:23

@MindyStClaire

I know it's irritating, but everyone does something that irritates others and I'm sure you do things that MIL turns a blind eye to. Imagine how embarrassed she'd be if she realised she was given the cheap stuff while everyone else had the real stuff. Even more insulting when it's for a toast. It's not worth it, Just let it go.
If the drink is the gift, then be a generous giver, and whatever happens after it’s been given to her is nothing to do with you. Can’t you see she has the absolute right to take a glass like everyone else, and the right to drink or not drink if she feels like it. She doesn’t need to explain herself to you, or others.

Be the bigger person, and see that she is probably doing so as well. She doesn’t like this, but she obviously wants to take part in the ‘ceremony’ and specialness of it all. Why do you need to take that away from her, for the sake of the extra 1/8th of a glass of champagne you will get out of it?

She sounds like the kind of person who likes to help make others happy. I bet she’s quietly doing a few things for you she’d rather not already. Why not let this be the first one you do for her?

MathsyUsernameGoesHere · 19/12/2021 07:34

Several posters obviously think I should let this go and I’ve been reflecting on why it bothers me so much. It’s not really about the monetary value of the champagne; as a pp said it’s not as if my DB has paid the RRP for it. I think it’s more that because he lives in a small flat where he can’t physically host our family, providing a really nice bottle or two for a special occasion is his way of contributing to hosting duties and when MIL tips hers away it feels like an insult to him. He doesn’t know and I’d rather he didn’t find out.

I think that's probably why she takes the glass. It would feel rude to her to refuse your brother's contribution and she wouldn't like him to think she was turning her nose up at it.

ChocolateRiver · 19/12/2021 07:50

Think I’d be going with the stunt bubbles 👍

LifeAdvice · 19/12/2021 07:55

@MathsyUsernameGoesHere

Several posters obviously think I should let this go and I’ve been reflecting on why it bothers me so much. It’s not really about the monetary value of the champagne; as a pp said it’s not as if my DB has paid the RRP for it. I think it’s more that because he lives in a small flat where he can’t physically host our family, providing a really nice bottle or two for a special occasion is his way of contributing to hosting duties and when MIL tips hers away it feels like an insult to him. He doesn’t know and I’d rather he didn’t find out.

I think that's probably why she takes the glass. It would feel rude to her to refuse your brother's contribution and she wouldn't like him to think she was turning her nose up at it.

Agree 100% with this, and FollowYourOwnNorthStar above.

Let this go.

TrundlingAlong · 19/12/2021 07:58

Why can't you get DH to talk to her? It's his mother, not yours or your DB's. Ask him to be polite but frank, explain that he's aware she doesn't actually drink the champagne and give her an idea of how expensive it really is. If she doesn't drink wine she probably has no idea. Surely DH can persuade her to have a soft alternative, or perhaps have a token sip rather than a whole glass poured for her? I agree that dicking about with secret alternatives is likely to end in tears.

Elfcandoone · 19/12/2021 08:04

@RJnomore1

It does matter Mindy.

I think if people knew the value of the item being wasted they might have a different view of pandering to such ridiculous behaviour from a grown adult.

Whether the brother is paying full price or not is really neither here nor there.

Or another way to look at it is that ensuring an otherwise wonderful MIL is included in the family festivities is priceless and worth more than the monetary value of something.
AstroBunny · 19/12/2021 08:09

I guess your mil just wants something fizzy to toast with along with everyone else. Just pour her a small glass, saves all the faffing with faking it and pouring from another room is shit, the popping of the cork and the pouring of the champagne is all part of the experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sparkletastic · 19/12/2021 08:18

I'd watch her like a hawk and as she heads for the peace lily I'd swoop in with a hissed 'I'll have that thank you'