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Original poster

Is this bullying by exclusion?

102 replies

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:00

I'm the youngest amongst my colleagues by about twenty years. One colleague, Mary, is extremely difficult but I am polite and act as if her muttered remarks aren't heard.
I'm also more senior than this colleague, same small workplace but different roles. I job share.
I spoke to my job share colleague about getting gifts for the whole team this Christmas. She replied "We're all going across the street to Mary's cottage for an afternoon tea". I was a bit gutted to not have even been consulted about this (given that me and my job share are the managers) particularly when the whole team know that I am shielding and they know I don't socialise indoors particularly in a teeny tiny cottage with having to sit three on a two seater sofa. They are all 100% aware of this. I feel like I'm a vegetarian and they booked a Christmas lunch at a steakhouse. To top it off I heard today that Mary has organised gifts for people (very nice but not really her job, that's my job!) which are bottles of prosecco. Again they all know I can't drink because of my medical condition and its a standing joke that I don't know a thing about alcohol.
I feel gutted to be honest, Mary intentionally undermines me in small but significant ways whenever we work together. Now she is hosting the staff Christmas party and I can't go. Help!

OP posts:

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 14/12/2021 18:04

Chin up and, in public, thank Mary for being so organised with the Christmas do and gifts, you only wish you could join them, hopefully next year things will be back to normal for everyone. And then wish them all a lovely time with a big breezy smile .

That would work in an email too, with one of those big sparkly GIFs.

But don't let anyone know she has struck a nerve.

SW1amp · 14/12/2021 18:05

If they are 100% aware that you won’t/don’t socialise indoors, why would you expect to be consulted on the party, given they know you can’t attend..?

Unless you were expecting everyone to meet outdoors in December to accommodate you..?

Original poster

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:15

I do expect to be consulted on a works do as someone who works there and as someone who is responsible for managing the team?! In the same way I wouldn't book a work trip to climb the Salisbury Spire because a team member can't walk far, I would expect that the works Christmas do should accommodate everyone. Our workplace is situated very close to some fabulous bars and coffee shops with outdoor areas, marquees, and little pod things. There are loads of places we could go and things to do (about four years ago our Christmas do was an outdoor movie theatre trip and it was quite cold but we had amazing hot chocolate and the venue provided blankets and heaters.
I feel like Mary has deliberately excluded me knowing I can't go whilst she looks like a generous hostess. I'm MORE than happy for them to socialise together in her house. But making the work do there and giving out presents when they know I'm not there feels mean.

OP posts:

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 14/12/2021 18:20

That's because it IS mean. And you have to work on visibly ignoring it, not being embarrassed by he and pretending you haven't seen it, You just tolreate it and sill happily discuss it, without being negative, if anyone mentions it.

She is one of those 'work vampires', a mean girl, whatever your label for her is. Never happy unless she is visibly the most special, sociable, loved person in sight. And that is bloody tiring, as much for her as for you.

So find ways of being seen to ignore it, of accepting it as her 'little foible'. Re-label her, politely, and be seen to smile and nod whenever she goes into her act.

ForbiddentoForbid · 14/12/2021 18:20

This is tricky op.

But would the team have wanted a Christmas do involving sitting outside under blankets?

It sounds like what people would want to do unfortunately wouldn't fit in with what you'd like to do. Possibly a bit shitty of them, but I wouldn't be wanting to sit outside.

Are they all close/outside of work too? To be honest I wouldn't want to force my colleagues into an outdoor party, I'd rather bow out gracefully.

CampagVelocet · 14/12/2021 18:24

You can't expect everyone to socialise outside in December to accommodate you. Seems she's working hard to organise things and you're choosing to take offence. You didn't arrange the team outing, or the drinks gifts, or the lunch, but are content to moan about her efforts. Any why is her age relevant?

Original poster

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:29

It's my job to arrange it, and I was trying to. She'd already booked people to go to her house without consulting me. And I don't expect people to socialise outdoors necessarily (although we did a few years back very successfully!) I'm not choosing to take offence. It's really hurtful to feel excluded despite wanting to join in.

"Never happy unless she is visibly the most special, sociable, loved person in sight. And that is bloody tiring, as much for her as for you.". Nail. Head. Exactly.

OP posts:

Pigeoninthehouse · 14/12/2021 18:31

Have they invited you, or was your job share meant to invite you.
Or have they just decided not to bother to ask you, because they know you won't come.
Curious if you'd even be aware had you not had the conversation about Christmas present.
Tbh I think in your position if they've done all that behind your back, with no intention to include you in their celebrations, then would be saying something. Organise a different event and invite everyone to that.

ForbiddentoForbid · 14/12/2021 18:32

So is it the whole team except you that has been invited to her house?

As it's so late in December could they have thought that nothing was being planned?

ForbiddentoForbid · 14/12/2021 18:33

And do you get on well with everyone?

Is there any conflict or friction in the team that may have stopped them inviting you?

Doyoumind · 14/12/2021 18:35

Is it an official Christmas do though? Of she's paying for it, it's surely just a party for her colleagues, which she has excluded you from.

If you were planning on organising one yourself, how come you haven't managed to arrange anything yet when it's 14th December?

CorrBlimeyGG · 14/12/2021 18:37

What had you arranged for the Christmas party? It must have been sorted by now.

Original poster

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:38

The first I heard of it was when I was speaking to my job share about what we should do for Christmas (about three weeks ago, normal timing) and she said "we're all going to Mary's, we could pass you a scone through the window +tinkly laugh". That was literally the extent of it.
Yes I get on well with everyone, my job share and I are reasonably close! Or so I thought.

OP posts:

Corbally · 14/12/2021 18:40

@VictoriaGlum

"Never happy unless she is visibly the most special, sociable, loved person in sight. And that is bloody tiring, as much for her as for you.". Nail. Head. Exactly.

But what were you planning to do as a Christmas party if you can’t socialise indoors and don’t envisage sitting outdoors in blankets? Also, work Christmas things tend to be arranged months in advance? Did Mary organise this because she thought you weren’t doing it?

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 18:41

You should talk to Mary rather than asking a bunch of strangers on MN.

Original poster

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:44

Our works do is never organised month's in advance even when it wasn't my responsibility. They're usually organised about a week ahead at most!
There are things we could have done together as a team locally as I mentioned up thread.

OP posts:

Beebumble2 · 14/12/2021 18:46

They are definitely not being inclusive, but there is very little you can do or say. Rise above it, wish them well for the tea party, accept the Prosecco graciously. You can always pass it on to someone over Christmas.
They may know exactly what they are doing, but don’t give the satisfaction that it has affected you.

cansu · 14/12/2021 18:49

The team going to Mary's is not necessarily the work Christmas do. I think you have also left it a bit late. She can also buy little gifts for people if she wants to. You can also still do this if you want to. She may well be a bit of a cow, but you can choose how you respond and how you feel about it.

CorrBlimeyGG · 14/12/2021 18:49

Pretty poor planning. I can't blame them for doing their own thing, especially if you expect them to stay outside in freezing weather.

WingBingo · 14/12/2021 18:50

If you (the manger) were to arrange a Christmas event for the team, it would not be acceptable to exclude one member of the team.

So I’m not sure why it would be different when a team member does the same. It shouldn’t be, by the way.

Head up, ignore and organise earlier next time.

DPotter · 14/12/2021 18:50

I think you have a job-share problem......you're not on the same page here and that's more important to sort out rather than being miffed about Mary. She, your job share, should have shared with you about Mary's plans for party and presents when they were first mentioned, but chose not to, and by doing so gave Mary 'permission' to continue her plans.

I get what you're saying about Mary, honestly I do, but she's not the only one working against you here.

HolidayTime2021 · 14/12/2021 18:50

if you are shielding then you are not leaving the house?

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 14/12/2021 18:51

"we're all going to Mary's, we could pass you a scone through the window +tinkly laugh".

Ouch OP it's hard not to see the party and the choice of gift as excluding.

Chloemol · 14/12/2021 18:52

I am afraid I wouldn’t take that shit

I would blatantly call Mary out on it, in full view of the team, nicely but I would

Oh Mary, I understand you have invited everyone but me to yours, do you have a problem, because to be honest it’s not very inclusive is it? By the way I understand you have organised gifts, don’t worry, I/and my job share have sorted gifts, which will be inclusive of everyone, but thank you for thinking about it

Then walk away

Seafog · 14/12/2021 18:53

Are you still able to organize work gifts?
Also, are you the only one at work who doesn't socialize indoors? Perhaps hosting a tea/desserts at the work site would be an option if something like this occurs again, so everyone can be included.

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