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Original poster

Is this bullying by exclusion?

102 replies

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:00

I'm the youngest amongst my colleagues by about twenty years. One colleague, Mary, is extremely difficult but I am polite and act as if her muttered remarks aren't heard.
I'm also more senior than this colleague, same small workplace but different roles. I job share.
I spoke to my job share colleague about getting gifts for the whole team this Christmas. She replied "We're all going across the street to Mary's cottage for an afternoon tea". I was a bit gutted to not have even been consulted about this (given that me and my job share are the managers) particularly when the whole team know that I am shielding and they know I don't socialise indoors particularly in a teeny tiny cottage with having to sit three on a two seater sofa. They are all 100% aware of this. I feel like I'm a vegetarian and they booked a Christmas lunch at a steakhouse. To top it off I heard today that Mary has organised gifts for people (very nice but not really her job, that's my job!) which are bottles of prosecco. Again they all know I can't drink because of my medical condition and its a standing joke that I don't know a thing about alcohol.
I feel gutted to be honest, Mary intentionally undermines me in small but significant ways whenever we work together. Now she is hosting the staff Christmas party and I can't go. Help!

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 14/12/2021 18:53

Honestly op think you might be being unreasonable here, most places have a Xmas date nailed down weeks ago and being you can socialise inside they might have assumed that there was nothing ye could do in December.
I absolutely would t consider socialising outside in December as I'm a very cold soul so they may have assumed that there was nothing happening. Is Mary paying for it herself ? If she is then it's not the work Xmas party it's just someone hosting her colleagues around Xmas and she knew you would t be able to attend to didn't ask you.

HolidayTime2021 · 14/12/2021 18:55

@Seafog

Are you still able to organize work gifts? Also, are you the only one at work who doesn't socialize indoors? Perhaps hosting a tea/desserts at the work site would be an option if something like this occurs again, so everyone can be included.
The OP is shielding. So assume working from home and not going out anywhere

Nothing wrong with people making arrangements without her,

Whynotnowbaby · 14/12/2021 18:58

I think back at the point of the rude comment from your jobshare you should have said something like: “ Ok, that sounds great but obviously it’s our job to organise the actual work party so we’d better get it sorted now”. If you two are the managers then take charge, she can have a party but unless you approve it as the official work do, it will be on her tab and essentially a private party. Ditto presents, she can spend her money as she wishes but if you are in charge of buying gifts, get together with your jobshare partner and do so. She can only take over if her managers allow her to and it sounds like the manager is you.

ancientgran · 14/12/2021 18:59

If this is the works do is it disability discrimination to exclude you? I suppose it would have to be the official do.

I think it is nasty and it is easy for people to dismiss it if they have never been excluded.

Whynotnowbaby · 14/12/2021 19:00

Just to add, in the school where I work there is always an official do, paid for by the school and planned by the social committee but there are also plenty of private events, sometimes inviting everyone, sometimes just for a small group or department, only the official one is actually THE party.

slashlover · 14/12/2021 19:00

I would blatantly call Mary out on it, in full view of the team, nicely but I would

Oh Mary, I understand you have invited everyone but me to yours, do you have a problem, because to be honest it’s not very inclusive is it? By the way I understand you have organised gifts, don’t worry, I/and my job share have sorted gifts, which will be inclusive of everyone, but thank you for thinking about it

Then walk away

Don't do this, you'll look petty!

Has Mary at any point said it's the work Christmas party rather than inviting her colleagues to her house? She can organise gifts for her colleagues too.

It doesn't stop you organising something or buying gifts.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 19:02

@slashlover

I would blatantly call Mary out on it, in full view of the team, nicely but I would

Oh Mary, I understand you have invited everyone but me to yours, do you have a problem, because to be honest it’s not very inclusive is it? By the way I understand you have organised gifts, don’t worry, I/and my job share have sorted gifts, which will be inclusive of everyone, but thank you for thinking about it

Then walk away

Don't do this, you'll look petty!

Has Mary at any point said it's the work Christmas party rather than inviting her colleagues to her house? She can organise gifts for her colleagues too.

It doesn't stop you organising something or buying gifts.

I agree. That behaviour is incredibly unprofessional and reflects badly on the person doing it.
Original poster
VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 19:03

I'm not working from home, I'm in the office the most of everyone (very large building!).
The presents have been bought and expenses submitted?! Job share has approved it in effect.
As I mentioned I'm fine with them all socialising together without me, that's absolutely fine, they've had a meal out earlier in October and I'm happy for them! But the works Christmas do should include everyone who works there both at consultation and the event itself. We're not a huge team.

OP posts:
AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 19:03

And, no, it is not disability discrimination.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 14/12/2021 19:05

She sounds controlling, and not inviting you is not on.
However you can’t limit the whole team to outdoors events in Dec, fair enough if they want to meet inside.

JaninaDuszejko · 14/12/2021 19:06

While it's not very nice that Mary has excluded you from her party when your job share told you there was no need to organise a staff event you should have said 'Mary might be having a private party in her house but I'm talking to you about the work team party'. Same with the presents, Mary can give everyone prosecco if she wants but you and your job share need to organise something together as the managers of the team. Does your workplace pay for any of this or does it come out of your own pockets?

As a PP has said the real issue is with your job share.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 14/12/2021 19:06

OP, what type of Christmas do would you have planned/suggested? Maybe I’m wrong and it would be more tempting than I thought!

ichundich · 14/12/2021 19:08

It's unfortunate that you don't socialise indoors (do you WFH?), but I wouldn't fancy a Christmas party outside to be honest. Do you really expect your colleagues to tiptoe around you like this forever? Covid is here to stay and people want to get on with life after having their boosters, LFT's and so on probably.

Lipsandlashes · 14/12/2021 19:08

Oh Mary, I understand you have invited everyone but me to yours, do you have a problem, because to be honest it’s not very inclusive is it? By the way I understand you have organised gifts, don’t worry, I/and my job share have sorted gifts, which will be inclusive of everyone, but thank you for thinking about it
That really isn’t calling some one out ‘nicely’! It’s passive aggressive and unprofessional.

Loudestcat14 · 14/12/2021 19:08

While Mary does sound like a bit of a cow, you said earlier up the thread it was your responsibility to organise the event but it sounds like you left it really late to organise something and she just took charge. Perhaps they mistook your lack of organising for disinterest and that's why it's at her house now or they couldn't find anywhere that could accommodate them at short notice so they had no choice.

JaninaDuszejko · 14/12/2021 19:08

The presents have been bought and expenses submitted?! Job share has approved it in effect

Missed this. Mary isn't your problem, your workshare is.

Original poster
VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 19:14

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

There's a restaurant locally with a rooftop terrace, heaters, fairy lights, cocktails. It's stunning and magical . Either a meal there or drinks.

There's also a Christmas Market locally, (think German Market style) coming soon with a free evening concert. I was thinking this could be good as the team member who can't walk far lives opposite it.

Local hotel has a ballroom type hall opening onto a terrace which overlooks a park. They do canapés in the evening and it's all lit up beautifully and they have pods and things. (Not so keen on the roaming magician but can't have it all).

OP posts:
cansu · 14/12/2021 19:15

Really sounds like your job share knew and agreed with the plans. I am not sure why you are so pissed with Mary. She has obviously been told to go ahead and make these arrangements.

cansu · 14/12/2021 19:16

I think you have also left it late to book or organise something.

Lipsandlashes · 14/12/2021 19:18

Missing the point but I’d absolutely hate to have to attend a Christmas do at a colleague’s house! Maybe count yourself lucky you haven’t been invited

Loudestcat14 · 14/12/2021 19:18

[quote VictoriaGlum]@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

There's a restaurant locally with a rooftop terrace, heaters, fairy lights, cocktails. It's stunning and magical . Either a meal there or drinks.

There's also a Christmas Market locally, (think German Market style) coming soon with a free evening concert. I was thinking this could be good as the team member who can't walk far lives opposite it.

Local hotel has a ballroom type hall opening onto a terrace which overlooks a park. They do canapés in the evening and it's all lit up beautifully and they have pods and things. (Not so keen on the roaming magician but can't have it all).[/quote]
Those sound amazing but for Christmas dos they'd surely be booked up well in advance.

Loudestcat14 · 14/12/2021 19:21

Oh, I missed the bit where it said your job share has signed off on it all. They took charge because you hadn't, it's not Mary's fault.

BumCatSmile · 14/12/2021 19:22

It sounds like you need to take this up with your job share, not Mary. It sounds like she's agreed to it all.

Maybe they all wanted to go to her house but didn't mention it to you knowing that you wouldn't go?

Eddielzzard · 14/12/2021 19:28

I'd leave it this year, but next year say to your job share that you should agree it between you both because it was really shit being left out. They're arseholes.

Kangaruby · 14/12/2021 19:30

Mary might be a bit of a cow or maybe not, but you should have arranged something earlier and is Mary's house party the official work party or could you arrange one still? A house works party sounds a bit odd but not as odd as an outdoor thing in December no matter how pretty the environment is. Do think you need to speak with your job share about paying for the presents, from what you have said it's not clear if you are being bullied or not.

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