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Original poster

Is this bullying by exclusion?

102 replies

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:00

I'm the youngest amongst my colleagues by about twenty years. One colleague, Mary, is extremely difficult but I am polite and act as if her muttered remarks aren't heard.
I'm also more senior than this colleague, same small workplace but different roles. I job share.
I spoke to my job share colleague about getting gifts for the whole team this Christmas. She replied "We're all going across the street to Mary's cottage for an afternoon tea". I was a bit gutted to not have even been consulted about this (given that me and my job share are the managers) particularly when the whole team know that I am shielding and they know I don't socialise indoors particularly in a teeny tiny cottage with having to sit three on a two seater sofa. They are all 100% aware of this. I feel like I'm a vegetarian and they booked a Christmas lunch at a steakhouse. To top it off I heard today that Mary has organised gifts for people (very nice but not really her job, that's my job!) which are bottles of prosecco. Again they all know I can't drink because of my medical condition and its a standing joke that I don't know a thing about alcohol.
I feel gutted to be honest, Mary intentionally undermines me in small but significant ways whenever we work together. Now she is hosting the staff Christmas party and I can't go. Help!

OP posts:
AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 21:06

@AffIt

I could be wrong, OP, but is it possible that you don't like your colleagues and they don't like you?

Also, to not have organised a works do by the end of November (as I assume hadn't been done, as you say this conversation took place ~three weeks ago) means that any event just isn't possible for a lot of people, particularly as you say many of your colleagues are older than you, so may have younger or older families to attend to / other events to go to.

I think your nose has been put out of joint by this, but you need to pick yourself up, take it gracefully, and be better prepared for next year (or possibly get another job where the culture suits you better).

I think that that may be part of it. The very first sentence of the OP's original post was "I'm the youngest amongst my colleagues by about twenty years".
MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/12/2021 21:06

I can understand why you’re upset, but Is there anything stopping you from organising an alternative which you can attend?

Ginger1982 · 14/12/2021 21:21

You're not really shielding though are you if you're working in the office and willing to go out and about. You're choosing not to socialise indoors, which is completely your choice, but you can't expect everyone to accommodate your views.

In terms of organisation, you keep saying it was up to you but was that a task deliberately given to you? If so, you need to raise it with your job share partner.

minimoomoo1711 · 14/12/2021 21:35

Surely if you work with these people in an office you’re ok to be in a house with the same people ?

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 21:36

There does seem to be a disconnect there: house = not okay; working in an office = okay.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/12/2021 21:38

Our official works do and the informal (ie, cheap) one have been booked and subsequently cancelled since October.

If the only option had been one of the part timers saying bring a blanket and we'll do something that suits me, there would have been an unofficial do organised almost immediately, even before taking into account that not everybody wants to socialise with their Monday-Wednesday supervisor.

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 21:45

BECAUSE they know you are shielding, that's why you are not invited to an indoor do at Mary's. Nor would they invite you if they were going to a restaurant or club; same reason. They are protecting you.

You can't expect their social lives to end (or be held outdoors) because of your health issues.

If you want Mary to be more professional I suggest you address her misbehaviour in the office; put a stop to the muttered comments etc.
Your polite restraint may have inadvertently given her the wrong message that she can over step the mark and get away with it.

MrsLarry · 14/12/2021 21:53

Honestly? Why do you think the majority in the office should do what you, as the minority, want to do? Sorry, but life just isn't like that.

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 21:54

about four years ago our Christmas do was an outdoor movie theatre trip and it was quite cold but we had amazing hot chocolate and the venue provided blankets and heaters.

Before covid. Bear in mind you are 20 years younger and your older colleagues may not have enjoyed it as much as you did.

You're not the only person who needs to take care of her health. Older people , and those with families, are no more keen to catch a cold or omicron than you are.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 22:00

*an outdoor movie theatre trip and it was quite cold but we had amazing hot chocolate and the venue provided blankets and heaters....

...sounds like my idea of hell.

Lunde · 14/12/2021 22:06

Is there any reason that you couldn't have got catering and had a party/ meal at the office since you seem to be OK going there?

Theremoresefulday · 14/12/2021 22:07

I wouldn’t go to an outdoor event in December sorry.

I think this year you just left it too late.

I’d let it go this year.

Is it officially your job to organise the Christmas do?

HolidayTime2021 · 14/12/2021 22:24

@VictoriaGlum

I'm not working from home, I'm in the office the most of everyone (very large building!). The presents have been bought and expenses submitted?! Job share has approved it in effect. As I mentioned I'm fine with them all socialising together without me, that's absolutely fine, they've had a meal out earlier in October and I'm happy for them! But the works Christmas do should include everyone who works there both at consultation and the event itself. We're not a huge team.
Then you are not shielding

All sounds very drama llama.
Do you men that you are being Cv19 careful- lots of people are doing that without calling it shielding

It is quite disrespectful to people who are genuiely shielding to protect themselves of their loved ones!

2bazookas · 14/12/2021 22:27

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

I didn't think it a coincidence that all of the OP's suggestions were for outdoor venues.
Its entirely possible that the colleagues, all 20 years older than their manager, were desperate NOT to have yet another freezing December outdoor "party". Huddled under a pod on the outdoor roof terrace while the rain and wind belts down. She's had it her way for several years. Even worms turn . They've had enough of accommodating OP and would rather have a simple cheap cosy indoor afternoon tea at Mary's. With no more risk of covid infection than they already run at work.

OP refuses to socialise indoors with the same small team she works indoors with. One can appreciate why people may have lost patience.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 15/12/2021 10:06

I agree, @2bazookas. I'd rather have an indoors, cozy tea at any venue.

Angelton · 15/12/2021 10:11

YABU to expect everyone to sit outdoors in December just to accommodate you, when it’s perfectly legal to meet indoors, including for people who were previously shielding. Shielding has officially ended so if you choose to continue with it then you can’t expect other people to twist themselves in knots to accommodate that. Presumably you work indoors with these people anyway?

Lunde · 15/12/2021 10:22

What is the reason that you cannot sit indoors at Mary's house with the same colleagues that you sit indoors with at the office?

MLMshouldbeillegal · 15/12/2021 10:23

@CoffeeWithCheese

I wouldn't be going to an outdoor Christmas do either. No amount of fairy lights can disguise the fact it's bloody cold out there and it's not my idea of fun.
Exactly this. No thank you. Cold, grey, miserable. Wrapped up in blankets and heavy coats and gloves. And no, I don't want hot chocolate, however "amazing" people think it is. Dinner in a restaurant fine - dinner on a roof terrace in December, not fine.

And as a side point, is there anything less environmentally friendly than those bloody patio heaters?

You are expecting everyone to dance to your tune OP. Your restrictions trump everything, override what anyone else might want to do. Your job share clearly doesn't want to be outside either. She is the one who you need to talk to about this, not the more junior member of staff.

MLMshouldbeillegal · 15/12/2021 10:24

And how can you simultaneously be "shielding" and in the office? Does not compute.

Innocenta · 15/12/2021 10:50

Formal shielding has ended; some people are still being advised by their clinicians to maintain shielding behaviour. But doing that definitely doesn't include working in an office or going to various social events! Hmm

MLMshouldbeillegal · 15/12/2021 10:56

I also think age is a factor. OP says she is 20 years younger than her colleagues. When I was 29 I might well have considered a night out sitting in a pod with fairy lights and "hot choc" to be enjoyable.

20 years later at the age of 49 my reaction would be "fuck that for a game of soldiers, i'd rather sit at home in my jammies".

HolidayTime2021 · 15/12/2021 17:47

@Innocenta

Formal shielding has ended; some people are still being advised by their clinicians to maintain shielding behaviour. But doing that definitely doesn't include working in an office or going to various social events! Hmm
The op seems very attention seeking and it has back fired

Look at me , poor me I am shielding ( but going to work and the pub outdoors)

Innocenta · 15/12/2021 19:24

@HolidayTime2021 I find it hard to understand why someone would say they're shielding when they're perfectly okay with going to events, tbh. Not doubting at all that she is vulnerable, just to be clear - but those I know who are still shielding are still sticking to basically the same restrictions, or with only small modifications. I don't know, it just seems weird!

MichelleScarn · 15/12/2021 21:09

It's my job to arrange it, and I was trying to. She'd already booked people to go to her house without consulting me
Is it in yours and their job descriptions?

You MUST organise the Christmas do, and
YOU must not have colleagues to your home without asking your manager?

Believer99 · 15/12/2021 21:38

I'm a manager and sent the details for our Christmas do in September. It's now been and gone. They have took things into there own hands as you didn't organise a thing. Now its not to your liking.

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