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Original poster

Is this bullying by exclusion?

102 replies

VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 18:00

I'm the youngest amongst my colleagues by about twenty years. One colleague, Mary, is extremely difficult but I am polite and act as if her muttered remarks aren't heard.
I'm also more senior than this colleague, same small workplace but different roles. I job share.
I spoke to my job share colleague about getting gifts for the whole team this Christmas. She replied "We're all going across the street to Mary's cottage for an afternoon tea". I was a bit gutted to not have even been consulted about this (given that me and my job share are the managers) particularly when the whole team know that I am shielding and they know I don't socialise indoors particularly in a teeny tiny cottage with having to sit three on a two seater sofa. They are all 100% aware of this. I feel like I'm a vegetarian and they booked a Christmas lunch at a steakhouse. To top it off I heard today that Mary has organised gifts for people (very nice but not really her job, that's my job!) which are bottles of prosecco. Again they all know I can't drink because of my medical condition and its a standing joke that I don't know a thing about alcohol.
I feel gutted to be honest, Mary intentionally undermines me in small but significant ways whenever we work together. Now she is hosting the staff Christmas party and I can't go. Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
VictoriaGlum · 14/12/2021 19:35

@Loudestcat14 the German Market thing doesn't need booking, the hotel thing is still advertising for bookings now let alone three weeks ago when this all came up. The restaurant would need booking ahead but this would have been ok three weeks ago. My partner has her works party there tomorrow night and they booked about ten days or so ago. I'd have enjoyed doing any of these or even just agreeing to meet up to watch the Santa parade for half an hour. The point is, it's my role to organise, which I was doing in plenty of time and now not only has the floor been taken from under me but I can't even go or enjoy the present!

OP posts:
BumCatSmile · 14/12/2021 19:38

Op, you keep saying it's your role to organise.

Is this a formal arrangement or have you just chosen for it to be for you to do?

It sounds like they may possibly not want you to do this every time, if they've taken it upon themselves to arrange something without your knowledge.

It sounds like there might be something else going on in the background if they're arranging things without your knowledge and not inviting you.

Could they be thinking that you leave things too late?

Crinkle77 · 14/12/2021 19:38

@VictoriaGlum

I'm the youngest amongst my colleagues by about twenty years. One colleague, Mary, is extremely difficult but I am polite and act as if her muttered remarks aren't heard. I'm also more senior than this colleague, same small workplace but different roles. I job share. I spoke to my job share colleague about getting gifts for the whole team this Christmas. She replied "We're all going across the street to Mary's cottage for an afternoon tea". I was a bit gutted to not have even been consulted about this (given that me and my job share are the managers) particularly when the whole team know that I am shielding and they know I don't socialise indoors particularly in a teeny tiny cottage with having to sit three on a two seater sofa. They are all 100% aware of this. I feel like I'm a vegetarian and they booked a Christmas lunch at a steakhouse. To top it off I heard today that Mary has organised gifts for people (very nice but not really her job, that's my job!) which are bottles of prosecco. Again they all know I can't drink because of my medical condition and its a standing joke that I don't know a thing about alcohol. I feel gutted to be honest, Mary intentionally undermines me in small but significant ways whenever we work together. Now she is hosting the staff Christmas party and I can't go. Help!
Sorry but I wouldn't want to go to an outdoor Xmas do, even with patio heaters and blankets it'd be freezing. Do you really expect everyone to compromise just to accommodate you?
Foolsrule · 14/12/2021 19:41

Your job share has effectively sanctioned this. She’s thrown you under a bus. She’s not your friend. What a cow! Mary clearly thinks this is the work Xmas party if she’s submitted expenses and your job share has led her to believe all is well.

I’d be tempted to set up an official office Christmas party and reject the Prosecco expenses if you can. You’re the boss, buy gifts and give them out at the official event that includes everyone. Do it at lunchtime one day next week so people can’t duck out. No one says no to a free lunch.

CampagVelocet · 14/12/2021 19:41

So you aren't shielding? You're working in the office, that's not shielding.

I don't blame people for not wanting to spend a midwinter evening outdoors no matter how many fairy lights there might be.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 19:45

I didn't think it a coincidence that all of the OP's suggestions were for outdoor venues.

Lunde · 14/12/2021 19:46

The presents have been bought and expenses submitted?! Job share has approved it in effect
So your jobshare has approved it without discussing it with you? Your partner has approved this party without consulting you and she made the scone comment? Your jobshare partner is the issue here not Mary.

There's a restaurant locally with a rooftop terrace, heaters, fairy lights, cocktails. It's stunning and magical . Either a meal there or drinks
It sounds great but you would needed to have booked probably in October/November - so why didn't you discuss and book?

There's also a Christmas Market locally, (think German Market style) coming soon with a free evening concert. I was thinking this could be good as the team member who can't walk far lives opposite it
Tramping around a Christmas market being jostled and pushed is hell on earth if you are mobility impaired. The cold can also be a huge issue for many. It also doesn't seem much of a work do to tramp around in a group spending your own money.

There seems to be many issues

  • you and your jobshare are not on the same page and are giving mixed messages and communicating poorly
  • you seem to have been very passive in not discussing Christmas arrangements at a minimum 4-6 weeks ago and probably months ago- especially given the differing requirements
  • I think your colleagues don't want to have an outdoor Christmas do - so there is an impasse
  • I think you are blaming Mary for the problems that exist between you and your jobshare
fairydust11 · 14/12/2021 19:46

@VictoriaGlum

The first I heard of it was when I was speaking to my job share about what we should do for Christmas (about three weeks ago, normal timing) and she said "we're all going to Mary's, we could pass you a scone through the window +tinkly laugh". That was literally the extent of it. Yes I get on well with everyone, my job share and I are reasonably close! Or so I thought.
Op - the issue is your job share! Yes Mary may not like you & is excluding you - but your job share - also a manager is enabling her. The comment about passing you a scone through the window isn’t nice at all - I’m not sure how you can think you have a good working relationship if she’s speaking to you like that & seemingly couldn’t care less that your excluded. In my opinion just because she maybe nice to your face, or so you think doesn’t mean she’s not the instigator…Would you consider looking for another job? I only ask as I doubt they’ll ever change & unless they’re very near retirement age you’ll have a few years of this kind of thing as your job share definitely doesn’t seem to have your back.
Piggy42 · 14/12/2021 19:48

I wouldn’t want my works to do be outside, I’m sorry.

WaningMoon · 14/12/2021 19:52

Your job share signed off on this OP so in the hierarchy of office politics it is her you need to speak to , not Mary.

I can understand why you would feel left out , and hurt because they have chosen things that exclude you , and it might be that they are actually all a bunch of dickheads, but life usually has a more boring explanation and people often do something without actually thinking how it feels to be on the other side - this looks like it could be your work colleagues/team way of suggesting to you that you leave sorting the Christmas do too late , or they don’t like your ideas , which is very childish and passive aggressive but that is on your job share to tell you not your subordinates if that makes sense.

whistleryukon · 14/12/2021 19:54
  • I wouldn't go to an outdoors work do.
  • you aren't shielding if you're going out and about.
  • you didn't sort anything out.
  • book one of your outdoor things if you still want to organise something. Your colleagues can do both if they want to.
BumCatSmile · 14/12/2021 19:54

Yes is sounds like they don't want an outdoor Christmas so.

So they jumped in and arranged an indoor one without your knowledge.

Sorry op, but I really would rather an indoor meal than an outdoor thing or tromping around a rammed Christmas market.

We went to a bar recently with outdoor heaters, I was wearing a big coat and was still bloody freezing.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 14/12/2021 20:00

To be fair OP’s options sound nice, maybe not the Christmas Market but the other two. People might not spend the whole evening outside but drinks/meal for 2h or so why not.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 14/12/2021 20:02

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

To be fair OP’s options sound nice, maybe not the Christmas Market but the other two. People might not spend the whole evening outside but drinks/meal for 2h or so why not.
Because my idea of fun is not spending two hours outdoors in December.
BumCatSmile · 14/12/2021 20:04

What is the reason for shielding op? It sounds unusual to be shielding but working in the office and still ok to go to Christmas markets.

Strangevipers · 14/12/2021 20:07

It sounds like they all enjoy eating meat , having a drink and want to do an event inside due to the time of year and thought you wouldn't enjoy it so have just gone ahead with what they want to do

Plus it's really late December now and possibly thought you weren't arranging things as people need to know weeks in advance these things especially around xmas time

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 14/12/2021 20:15

There is someone like this at my workplace, although she's more senior. Takes over collections, tries to dictate what to buy, etc etc. I think it's a constant need for attention with this coworker.
They are tiresome, but what can you do?

LightSpeeds · 14/12/2021 20:21

This is thoughtless at best, cruel at worst. Do you think Mary did this on purpose to exclude you? And it's a pretty poor show if no-one else said anything about it.

What you can do about it, I don't know, though... Sad Give her a really horrible present...

whiteroseredrose · 14/12/2021 20:32

I agree the problem is your job share. Without any discussion with you she has signed off on a team party and presents that exclude you.

Her response when Mary offered should have been to discuss with you. Maybe said that the team fancied this what did you think. And told you if nobody liked the idea of an outdoor event. Then you could have compromised.

And to buy gifts for everyone (presumably and herself) but not you is outrageous.

MargaretThursday · 14/12/2021 20:41

If you haven't arranged anything by 14th December then I think it was reasonable to assume that you weren't organising it.

Could easily be that Mary's said "is anything happening? What about this?" and the Job share's thought that as you haven't said anything you're not that bothered. Yes, she should have mentioned it to you that she'd agreed, but I'm not sure you'd have found wholehearted agreement with any of your suggestions either.

Redheadedbookworm · 14/12/2021 20:50

It’s sounds as though the work do for, held at someone’s house that doesn’t include all colleague’s has in fact just been high jacked by a clique of unkind people or at the best least people who enable unkind behaviour.

I would say in front of everyone - oh how awful; not everyone can attend or make use of the gifts. It’s a shame the do couldn’t have been more inclusive. Next year, I’ll organise it ahead of time to avoid this type of thing happening again.

In doing so then you will have called them out, explained why it’s poor form on their part and then sign posted what you intend to do to rectify the situation for the future.

They have two options - allow you to make sure future events are inclusive OR behave the same way. In which case, you could then review how you handle this behaviour which seems to be a bit like play ground bullying.

Do you have a HR department which you could seek advice from?

drpet49 · 14/12/2021 20:54

* I get what you're saying about Mary, honestly I do, but she's not the only one working against you here.*

^This. Your problem is your job share colleague who is working against you.

AffIt · 14/12/2021 21:01

I could be wrong, OP, but is it possible that you don't like your colleagues and they don't like you?

Also, to not have organised a works do by the end of November (as I assume hadn't been done, as you say this conversation took place ~three weeks ago) means that any event just isn't possible for a lot of people, particularly as you say many of your colleagues are older than you, so may have younger or older families to attend to / other events to go to.

I think your nose has been put out of joint by this, but you need to pick yourself up, take it gracefully, and be better prepared for next year (or possibly get another job where the culture suits you better).

TallulahsCurse · 14/12/2021 21:04

[quote VictoriaGlum]@Loudestcat14 the German Market thing doesn't need booking, the hotel thing is still advertising for bookings now let alone three weeks ago when this all came up. The restaurant would need booking ahead but this would have been ok three weeks ago. My partner has her works party there tomorrow night and they booked about ten days or so ago. I'd have enjoyed doing any of these or even just agreeing to meet up to watch the Santa parade for half an hour. The point is, it's my role to organise, which I was doing in plenty of time and now not only has the floor been taken from under me but I can't even go or enjoy the present![/quote]
You're being a bit ridiculous. None of these are reasonable activities to expect someone to do for a works Xmas do. You can't expect everyone to do something like that, outdoors, just because YOU can't meet inside. Shielding doesn't exist anymore, so unfortunately I am on the side of them - if you are choosing to shield but so be it but this has been going on come up 2 years now and you can't expect people to accommodate you like this.

Btw you sound like a toddler stamping your foot with what you write, having a paddy that you can't have your present under the tree. You sound so silly!

CoffeeWithCheese · 14/12/2021 21:05

I wouldn't be going to an outdoor Christmas do either. No amount of fairy lights can disguise the fact it's bloody cold out there and it's not my idea of fun.