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Original poster

Could I really hand Xmas over to him?

99 replies

Heruka · 14/12/2021 00:02

DH and I have just had a massive argument Sad. Long story but we just had a Xmas weekend with my side of the family. Massive amounts of work for me planning, preparing and cooking it all. DH is a grafter and definitely pulls his weight in family life, but can’t cook to save himself.

He totally doesn’t grasp the mental as well as practical load of it all, and got so upset about me yet holy telling him an hour before everyone arriving that I didn’t have time to listen to some chat he was trying to make. Not the best behaviour from me of course, but I was stressed out my head and I think most people struggle a bit when cooking for loads of people. He barely spoke to me all weekend and I felt he totally did not have my back.

Tonight I apologised for being short but said I thought he had apologies to make as well. Lots of talking later, he ended up saying (what I knew he thought all along) that I had gotten worked up about ‘fuck all’. I am so upset.

So for Xmas, we have one of his siblings and family staying for 3 nights, and the whole lot (17 including us) for Boxing Day. I so want to say that I am not doing it and turn the food and planning over to him. He would likely buy pizza and a few ready made things, the food standard would be considerably lower than if I did it. Yet the world would not end. Should I? Could I? I feel strangely liberated even considering the possibility as it all feels so stressful, but doing it as a ‘fuck you’ feels like it could backfire and I may just be mortified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heruka · 14/12/2021 00:03

‘Yet holy’ = tetchily

OP posts:
IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 14/12/2021 00:05

Absolutely do it. I'd probably rely differently if you were talking about Christmas dinner but not the day after. Stop being a martyr and getting angry about jobs you're taking on!!

Postdatedpandemic · 14/12/2021 00:06

You're right the world won't end. Just tell your guests what is going on and they may chip in and help him.
You are allowed a year off

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Events & celebrations
Burnamer · 14/12/2021 00:07

Is working together an option?
He does starters, a couple of sides for Christmas dinner and dinner the other days?

But yes, of course you can suggest it.

vipersputpaidtomylastusername · 14/12/2021 00:07

Oh wow, I feel the pain of your dilemma.

I'm not sure I would be prepared to give guests pizza for Boxing Day, but maybe you can involve him in all the preparations beforehand - cleaning, shopping, food preparation, table decorations etc.

Good luck

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/12/2021 00:09

I wouldn’t do two lots of massive family cooking in a row. It’s too much, why should you.

I like letting him order pizza is too much fuck you, but just either but the roast from Cook or M n S, or do something easier but Christmassy like a Scandi buffet.

I can’t cook either but I know cooking for 17 must be stressful. I wouldn’t let him off the hook on this.

NotJustACigar · 14/12/2021 00:14

I don't see why people can't watch pizza on boxing day - it's not Christmas day and people might want a break from roast dinners anyway. Just tell your guests that DH has offered to take on the task of feeding them and you think it sounds like a fun change.

RaisedByPangolins · 14/12/2021 00:15

I would absolutely do this. FWIW my BF of 9 years and I just split up over a very similar argument. He had two items to make and I was doing the rest including decorating the house and working a night shift in between two full days of work, so I was at the end of my tether. His lack of empathy and insight into the amount of work I’d put in and the pressure I felt to make it all perfect made me feel so unappreciated and unsupported. If we were still together I would 100% be handing over the responsibility for any future events like this, even though it would no doubt cause another argument.

And no I don’t see why you should tell the guests and hope they pitch in and help him. He can get on with it like the grown adult he’s supposed to be.

Pegasussnail · 14/12/2021 00:16

I know now why we eat out main meals as a family and just have visitors for tea and mince pies Wink
I think you are very generous and pizza would be perfect

Original poster
Heruka · 14/12/2021 00:18

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

Absolutely do it. I'd probably rely differently if you were talking about Christmas dinner but not the day after. Stop being a martyr and getting angry about jobs you're taking on!!
I do think about the martyr bit, tbh agreeing to both these events was naivety on my part. I’ve done Xmas before but for smaller numbers and more often we’ve gone to other people. So I had no idea what was involved in deciding what to make, ordering and shopping etc, alongside all your other Xmas shopping. Hats off to those who do it every year, and manage to stay calm! So there is no way I’ll ever set anything up like this again, I’ve learned.

So I kind of hesitate as his family will probably feel awkward, I did agree to this. I’d have to write a list for him like ‘Xmas eve lunch, dinner, Xmas day breakfast and Boxing Day meal’ as he wouldn’t even anticipate all of that I don’t think. Imagine he didn’t have any food in for when they arrive etc.

But if I’m going to do it, I fully need to let go control and not try to micromanage or critique his plans. I just have to work out if I can actually do that!!

Working together is an option on other stuff - he will clean, sort out the beds, do dishes etc - it’s just food he is totally useless at.

OP posts:
Akire · 14/12/2021 01:08

The problem is he will order pizza consider it job well done and why do you make a fuss when it’s your turn? It’s not comparing like to like. Next year when you cook he be even less likely to be supportive because it’s so easy!

Sn0tnose · 14/12/2021 01:08

So I kind of hesitate as his family will probably feel awkward, I did agree to this. I’d have to write a list for him like ‘Xmas eve lunch, dinner, Xmas day breakfast and Boxing Day meal’ as he wouldn’t even anticipate all of that I don’t think. Imagine he didn’t have any food in for when they arrive etc

I wouldn’t write the list for him. I’d offer to help him write it himself. And if he says no, just tell him that’s fine, but you won’t be dashing out to Sainsbury’s at 4pm on Christmas Eve because he’s forgotten breakfast for them. And then step back and relinquish it completely. You do your share of the cleaning, the same as he normally does. And nothing more. If his family raise an eyebrow over pizza, let him deal with it. It’s not your concern.

These men only pull this shit because they know that women will pick up the lions share of the work and make it all perfect.

mathanxiety · 14/12/2021 03:32

Just tell him the planning and execution of all the feeding, watering, and hospitality for the 17 people who are coming is 100 percent up to him for the entire duration of their stay.

Don't write a list of meals for him. Give him no hint about the scope and scale of what is expected. Tell him he can cast his mind back to previous Christmas hospitality he has enjoyed at home and in the homes of others over the years if he is stumped.

Stand back and watch the train crash.

Balanced12 · 14/12/2021 03:47

No helping write lists! Your passing over the mental load remember, let him get on with it, hopefully some new traditions

JSL52 · 14/12/2021 03:56

When he gets stressed say 'it's fuck all'

chatw0o0 · 14/12/2021 04:02

Totally hand it all over to him! If he asks for help, that's OK.. and if he doesn't ask for help, well that's OK too Grin.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 14/12/2021 04:09

I'd definitely pass it over to him, saying as you'll be getting stressed over fuck all, you will let him take over. No help with the meal planning - unless you really want to make him suffer, in which case buy the food and leave the planned menu for him, letting everyone know what meals they can expect. Don't take over when he gets in a huff.

I had a similar argument with my ex husband on Xmas day. The ONLY thing I asked him to do was carve the turkey. He fucked it up and when I said something he started shouting and swearing at me, then threw the carving knife at me in front of my family. My family took his side and said I shouldn't antagonise him when he was helping Hmm. I made considerably less effort going forward and bought almost everything ready made after that.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 14/12/2021 04:09

Hand it over 100% to him, no lists, no mental load on your part.

Help him to the same extent that he helps you. It may sound harsh but why should it be up to you? He will either realise the stress of it and therefore take on an equal role next year or he’ll be good at it, in which case he can do it every year.

thesockfromtheroof · 14/12/2021 04:50

You need to see this through. Hand it all over to him and step away. Only then will he appreciate being in your shoes.

As for you being mortified, fuck that. His family, his problem, let it go.

Don't back down x

coodawoodashooda · 14/12/2021 04:57

Id say you need to make it clear what he expects from you. Then do thst. And only that.

Graphista · 14/12/2021 05:09

For Boxing Day! Yes!

And DO NOT rescue him!

tell your guests what is going on and they may chip in and help him.

Or this!

I wouldn't let him resort to takeaway either that's a cop out! Or ready meals (I can absolutely see him doing this) it needs to be proper nutritious food

How old is he? My ex couldn't cook when we first married but like hell was I allowing him to not learn!

I would do Xmas day still (else you'll FOREVER be the dil that ruined Xmas - unfair but true) but the rest?

He can sink or swim and that inc all the planning and prep. The only note I would give him is

"The most traditional Xmas items sell out fast this time of year AND you need to check fridge and freezer space"

He's got 11 days to sort it

Rainbowqueeen · 14/12/2021 05:27

Yep do it.

Make yourself unavailable to help too. Go out with friends for drinks etc in the days leading up to xmas.

Weenurse · 14/12/2021 05:33

Do it, and let’s us know how it went, hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised.

Fucket · 14/12/2021 05:48

This is why DH does all the decorating, present wrapping and card-writing every year. Has done for years. But it was organised between us a month or two before Christmas, when I had a honest conversation about the emotional and mental load I was under keeping the family afloat.

We split chores over everything and I had to trust him to do it. No infantilising him, no sarcastic comments, we all had no idea how hard it was when we all let ourselves slide into bearing the brunt of all this hard work. I truly, truly have let go of the perfect Xmas, I meant it when I told DH if he didn’t wrap any gifts for the children, or send cards to his family it wouldn’t bother me. Thing is DH realised if he didn’t do these things I wasn’t going to do it, so he stepped up.

If DH had a reasonable question I answered it. Much like when you train a new colleague to fill your old role.

Later after his first Christmas doing 50% of it all he apologised and then we both agreed we’d eat out on Xmas day because neither of us want or enjoy all of the cooking and clearing up.

Borracha · 14/12/2021 05:50

If it was my family, I wouldn't risk it. But as it's his, I would totally do it. I would just write in the family Whatsapp group (or similar) something jokey about how he is in charge this year, so you don't get the blame when it all goes tits up.

I would also give him a few pointers and make sure you don't say them when he's only half listening, so later down the line he can't say 'but you didn't tell me/I didn't know.' Just stuff like 'the cut off date for orders from the butcher is x if you wanted anything from there' and 'remember Aunty Val is gluten free in case you needed to factor that in'.

Then I would make myself scarce when he's preparing everything so you don't get roped in to help. Arrange to meet a friend for a long walk on Boxing Day morning or something. That way you can swan in and look around with mock surprise when he is inevitably sweating and panicking!

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