Could I really hand Xmas over to him?

[Heruka]

DH and I have just had a massive argument . Long story but we just had a Xmas weekend with my side of the family. Massive amounts of work for me planning, preparing and cooking it all. DH is a grafter and definitely pulls his weight in family life, but can’t cook to save himself.

He totally doesn’t grasp the mental as well as practical load of it all, and got so upset about me yet holy telling him an hour before everyone arriving that I didn’t have time to listen to some chat he was trying to make. Not the best behaviour from me of course, but I was stressed out my head and I think most people struggle a bit when cooking for loads of people. He barely spoke to me all weekend and I felt he totally did not have my back.

Tonight I apologised for being short but said I thought he had apologies to make as well. Lots of talking later, he ended up saying (what I knew he thought all along) that I had gotten worked up about ‘fuck all’. I am so upset.

So for Xmas, we have one of his siblings and family staying for 3 nights, and the whole lot (17 including us) for Boxing Day. I so want to say that I am not doing it and turn the food and planning over to him. He would likely buy pizza and a few ready made things, the food standard would be considerably lower than if I did it. Yet the world would not end. Should I? Could I? I feel strangely liberated even considering the possibility as it all feels so stressful, but doing it as a ‘fuck you’ feels like it could backfire and I may just be mortified.

(And if he does just order pizza, I guess you'll then realise that the world hasn't ended and you might consider it again for future years! Either way, you don't have to deal with it, so win win!)

Yeah let it go, relax, just contribute what he usually contributes to the day. He’s not a baby, he can do it. It will be whatever he wants it to be, if he wants to order pizza let him. He’ll learn form it. Take absolutely no responsibility, don’t think about it. Let everyone know he’s in charge and leave it at that.

You never know he might turn out to be good at it, in which case he can do it every year.

@Borracha

If it was my family, I wouldn't risk it. But as it's his, I would totally do it. I would just write in the family Whatsapp group (or similar) something jokey about how he is in charge this year, so you don't get the blame when it all goes tits up.

I would also give him a few pointers and make sure you don't say them when he's only half listening, so later down the line he can't say 'but you didn't tell me/I didn't know.' Just stuff like 'the cut off date for orders from the butcher is x if you wanted anything from there' and 'remember Aunty Val is gluten free in case you needed to factor that in'.

Then I would make myself scarce when he's preparing everything so you don't get roped in to help. Arrange to meet a friend for a long walk on Boxing Day morning or something. That way you can swan in and look around with mock surprise when he is inevitably sweating and panicking!

Yeah definitely don't be there to pick up the slack.

Make sure you pop in for a chat half an hour before food due.

I reckon he will be rescued by someone in his family and that would potentially be very annoying.

I’d have to write a list for him like ‘Xmas eve lunch, dinner, Xmas day breakfast and Boxing Day meal’ as he wouldn’t even anticipate all of that I don’t think. Imagine he didn’t have any food in for when they arrive etc

I absolutely wouldn’t do this!

There is nothing wrong with a take away. You are being a martyr. He didn’t think all the cooking is necessary and possibly it is not. Only do it if you enjoy it.

Who ever invited all these people need to sort this out. If he invited them he sorts it, if you invited them - get on with it.

Do it! And definitely don’t give him lists either. He’s a big clever man, he doesn’t need your help

And let us know how it goes!

I wouldn't worry about it, no chance Boris will let you have 17 people in your house

Do it !
I did it when DD was 8 weeks old . DH was keen to cook the Xmas dinner, but nervous. The only advice I gave him was that cooking a roast is all about timing. He loves planning so set off happily to make lists and 23 years later he still cooks Xmas dinner

Why are you/he arranging to host 17 people when you get this stressed? It's not compulsory to have that many people over.

Well the problem about letting him do Boxing Day light and just order pizza is that of course bunging a few ready made things in the oven isn't actually going to teach him anything about how stressful it is to do a multi course, multi component lunch for 17 people!

Having said that, if it gets you the day off to sit on the sofa, why not?!

OP I think this is a great idea, but if you're going to do it you need to really do it. Firstly, sad fact is he may not care if the house isn't cleaned properly or the table set nicely, so you'd need to LET GO of that. Secondly, don't help, just offer "chat". Don't guide, suggest, remind, etc., he likely won't remember it, meaning any achievement on the day is his own. Do let your guests know what's going on. This can be in a fun way, throwing down the gauntlet kind of way and their chat with him about it will help him know a bit about the size of the task, and may helpfully join in riding him a bit! If anyone comes to help that's cheating! I honestly think this could be funny and end well, but only you know your man and his family!

Also, if he pulls this off then you have a new boxing day tradition!

Yes, why not? We take turns in our family. We alternate between our house one year and my sister's house the next year. Then one adult in the hosting family is 'in charge' of Christmas. They make the decisions and do the organisation and most importantly delegate tasks to everyone else. My 15 year old is making a pudding for example. Then we rotate through so you are only the organiser once every four years.

My dd is 18 this year so she's going to do it next year.

I wouldn’t and this is why.

It won’t matter if he runs out of food or orders pizza - no one will judge him (the way you’d be judged and will be judged for this). If the house isn’t cleaned no one will judge him. In fact what will happen is that everyone will think he is marvellous and a hero for whatever half assed mess he manages.

As I see it you have two problems - the entrenched patriarchy that puts higher standards on women. We don’t do this to ourselves. You can choose to not perform, but you can’t opt out of the judgement, but you can try not to care.

Your second problem is you have a dh with no empathy. And leaving him to order a pizza will not make him grow empathy. It’s likely to do the opposite.

So I would do one of two things - either massively reduce your workload and just ring for pizza on Boxing Day and be done with it, or

I’d make a mahoosive list of everything that needs doing and pin it to the kitchen wall. Tell him to put his initials against any job he does and you initial what you do. I started doing this years ago (with the dc too). It is much harder to ignore reality when it’s in black and white in front of your nose.

My suggestoon for you OP!

Dear Husband

You already know that you will be catering for xx amount of people, so this is just a helpful reminder list to remind you of what people expect to eat on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Of course most people should, and will be happy with whatever their host is kind enough to give them. However Christmas IS different. These people that we care about very much (or we wouldn't have invited them to share such a special time with us) will have grown up with an expectation, maybe even a need, to have Christmas as close to the way that they celebrate it as possible. With xx amount of people coming we can't possibly even try to meet all their expectations, so the nearest we can do is attempt to emulate the typical TV British Christmas. So for:

Christmas Morning (no cooking & tweaked to account for special diets etc)

A buffet breakfast that they can help themselves too. I will help you lay it out:
Sliced thick cut bread, Muesli, Cornflakes, Weetabix, Coco Pops (or similar, as a treat for Children), contintal pastries, Toaster (clean - no crumbs), butter at room temperature, strawberry conserve, marmalade, 1 other conserve, Fresh fruit, Bowls, side plates, knives, spoons, T-spoons, Glasses, Mugs for hot drinks, sugar, granulated Sweetner, Chilled Orange juice, Chilled water, Chilled Semi-skimmed milk (but any other dietry milks needed should be readily abailable in the fridge), Champagne or Prosecco, T bags, Coffee (not instant if possible).
Soft drinks to be availabe all day.

Drinks: hot, soft, sherry, more sparkly wine?
Nibbles: nuts, dried fruits, pretzels

Christmas Dinner:

Main Course - no starter needed.

Turkey (it will be big as for xx amount of people, so time accordingly to be served at 1.30pm), Cooked Ham (or to preference) another main if needed for special requirements.

Pigs in blankets, Roast Potatoes, Roast Parsnips, Boiled Carrots, Boiled Sprouts, Boiled Potatoes - then mashed, 2 differnt types of Stuffing (not cooked in Turkey),
Bread sauce, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey gravy.
Vegetarian gravy if anyone is a vegetarian.
Wines, (beer if necessary), water and soft drinks to accompany dinner.

Puddings:

Christmas Pudding
Sherry Trifle
Thick Double Cream, Brandy Butter,
Pouring cream
Hot drinks and Port, or spirits?

Mid afternoon:

Hot drinks, mince pies (warmed), shortbread
And bring out the Quality Street or whatever your choice is.

Tea/supper:

Sandwiches, 1/2 types with cold meat fillings,
1/2 types with non-meat fillings, Bowls of 2 different flavours special Crisps. Christmas (fruit) Cake, Christmas sponge cake and/or Yule log. Hot drinks and Mint chocolates of your choice.

Make sure adults have alcohol if wanted.
Hot drinks they can help themselves to before bed, including Hot Chocolate and Horlicks.

Boxing Day:

Breakfast: Repeat of yesterday but possibly without pastries, unles you have some frozen ones you can heat.

Mid Morning: Hot drinks, and shortbread,

Lunch:

Soup and Crusty Bread to start, followed by
Cold Turkey, Cold Ham, cold pigs in blankets, cold stuffing, bubble and squeek using left over mash and sprouts and fried in butter, mixture of pickles, large bowl of salad.
Drinks, soft drinks and depending on activities to come, and/or people leaving - wine, beer, hot drinks.

Pudding: New York Cheesecake with mixed berries and pouring cream.

If staying overnight again:

Tea/supper buffet, hot sausage rolls, more soup - 2 x different flavours, (hot quiche?),
Large Cheese and Biscuit Board with 2 x different chutneys, Crusty Bread, Butter.

Pudding:

Any left overs really, so possibly reheated Christmas pud (maybe with custard?)
Trifle, mince pies, Christmas Cake, Special chocolates. Special Ice cream with brandy snap twirls.

Obvioulsly OP you change to suit your family and budget. But please don't let him get away with his choices of something really simply like Pizzas, or not only will your guests be didappointed, but he won't learn anything at all. I would give him your version of my list above (or you can just copy & paste mine!), today, so that he has time to think about it and apologise to you profusely, befote he takes it on. But if he does accept the challenge he can't then change it last minute, and if on the Day he begs you for help, make sure he puts it in writing with a massive apology. If you both decide to go through with the challenge please don't feel sorry for him, and help him where he would not have helped you.

I think yabu. Not about getting him to do it but because you've enjoyed your guests hospitality in the past and invited them on the basis you'd be cooking and organising but now are going to wash your hands of it. Next year though, I'd put it all in his hands, who he invites and what he serves up.

@KitBumbleB

I wouldn't worry about it, no chance Boris will let you have 17 people in your house

This is what I am hoping for tbh. But I am up after a shit sleep and thinking about all of your comments with a mixture of fear and excitement- can I really do this? The mortified bit is less about the food and more about the ‘they will know we argued about this’.

There is a load of context to this and he’s not a total arsehole (even though I called him one after he said ‘fuck all’). In the days running up to this, I was talking about how stressed and anxious I felt, he then took certain tasks away and told me to forget about them, and spent all morning preparing the house. He does care and shares a lot, but he has a thing about what things women get stressed about being stupid, I think the result of having angry mum and sisters. They are pretty difficult. But, I’m sure if he was always dismissing their concerns like this that it was a two way phenomenon.

I can see his point that I am attached to things being more elaborate than they need to be - and can take that on and learn - but still he has not a clue what this involves. I recently taught him how to make scrambled eggs. I like nice food and he will try when I ask him too, but he’s one of these people who would take a pill for a meal if it was on offer - like the antithesis of a foodie - and I love food so I’ve never been motivated to push this one too much. But maybe it is time.

Yanbu but I'd be saying no takeaways.

He needs to clean prep and put party food in the oven cook.

I would absolutely do it.

I'd say to him 'as I got worked up about fuck all' it's your turn to sort the food, drinks etc for the shin dig this year. I'm telling you now so you've hit enough time to sort everything out' smile and leave it there.

I'd not even bother writing him a list. If you do half the work for him and he does serve up pizza, then he'll consider it a 'piece of piss', and it will further back up what he said. I'm not saying you set him up to fail, but sometimes appreciating how hard something is helps

but maybe you can involve him in all the preparations beforehand - cleaning, shopping, food preparation, table decorations etc.=

Wrong way round.

She does all the thinking for when her relatives visit, and he helps her out with assigned tasks

When it's his, they swop roles. Which means the thinking and planning are all his. And if he needs anything adding to the shopping, he does it himself or remembers to ask in good time. And if he wants help with anything concerning hosting them, he needs to ask.

Shifting the responsibility for the thinking is the liberating part - the actual tasks aren't the key issue

I have to ask, how are you catering for these people if it creates "mental as well as practical load of it all? Surely cooking is not that stressful?

Yes also hand over some or all of the cooking to him, it is not that difficult, as an adult he should already be able to cook,mor at the very least follow a recipe.