Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Could I really hand Xmas over to him?

99 replies

Heruka · 14/12/2021 00:02

DH and I have just had a massive argument . Long story but we just had a Xmas weekend with my side of the family. Massive amounts of work for me planning, preparing and cooking it all. DH is a grafter and definitely pulls his weight in family life, but can’t cook to save himself.

He totally doesn’t grasp the mental as well as practical load of it all, and got so upset about me yet holy telling him an hour before everyone arriving that I didn’t have time to listen to some chat he was trying to make. Not the best behaviour from me of course, but I was stressed out my head and I think most people struggle a bit when cooking for loads of people. He barely spoke to me all weekend and I felt he totally did not have my back.

Tonight I apologised for being short but said I thought he had apologies to make as well. Lots of talking later, he ended up saying (what I knew he thought all along) that I had gotten worked up about ‘fuck all’. I am so upset.

So for Xmas, we have one of his siblings and family staying for 3 nights, and the whole lot (17 including us) for Boxing Day. I so want to say that I am not doing it and turn the food and planning over to him. He would likely buy pizza and a few ready made things, the food standard would be considerably lower than if I did it. Yet the world would not end. Should I? Could I? I feel strangely liberated even considering the possibility as it all feels so stressful, but doing it as a ‘fuck you’ feels like it could backfire and I may just be mortified.

OP posts:

MissBPotter · 14/12/2021 11:05

Thing is if you do this and he orders pizza he will just think he’s really clever for dodging all the effort (not sure if any pizza deliveries will be open but maybe he’ll find something). Alternatively, his mum (or other female relatives) will just start doing it for him and then he will be lauded as a hero for doing dinner all by himself (even if he barely does anything, and if you’d done it they wouldn’t have really even noticed all
the effort) and you will look bad to them (not that you should care). So I think it’s a bit of a rock and a hard place and you’re not going to win here. I do agree though that he needs to find some empathy. Or you need to give him a list of tasks to complete in advance.

Sorry but @MatildaIThink is minimizing the work to host 17 people, she’s probably never done it before, or has done it and is maybe one of those hosts that thinks they’re marvelous but everyone goes away hungry

madisonbridges · 14/12/2021 11:15

And no he thinks that I was being a total bitch to be tetchy at that time

Haha. We've all lost our temper in the kitchen. There's been the odd occasion where I've screamed "get out!". There's a lot to think about and it's stressful. I guess it would be good to tease out how much extra stress you're putting yourself under and at the same time getting him to do part if the work to relieve the pressure. But if you're a perfectionist and a hoarder of jobs, it can be difficult to let go.

But it's Christmas, most important thing is you all have a nice time. It's not a great time for giving life lessons but it's also a not a time for feeling over-worked and put upon. Can you not just do a big shepherd's pie or hotpot, a cheese or salmon starter and a shop bought desert, and get him to write the list and choose the puddings, and then do the prep the day before?

Anyway, you sound organised and very reasonable actually so I'm sure you'll come up with a some good ideas.

CPL593H · 14/12/2021 11:25

I think if he is a useless cook, getting him transformed into Gordon Ramsay for the 26th so he can cater for 17 people is realistically not going to happen. We all put such pressure on ourselves to make things "perfect" and I do think it has to do with the way women are socialised. Surely perfect in this instance would be a fun, sociable day where no one is chained to the kitchen and stressed out of their minds and in the interests of achieving that, pizza sounds great.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations

rookiemere · 14/12/2021 12:07

I agree with @CPL593H I'd be perfectly happy with takeaway pizza on Boxing Day served in a relaxed convivial atmosphere, rather than a homemade three course meal with stressed and sniping hosts.

rookiemere · 14/12/2021 12:13

I quite often used to serve an Indian takeaway if having guests around ( in the days pre covid when this happened) . I'd obviously warn guests in advance and we'd pay for it all, but to me it's about getting people together rather than providing a gourmet meal.

MatildaIThink · 14/12/2021 12:14

@MissBPotter

Thing is if you do this and he orders pizza he will just think he’s really clever for dodging all the effort (not sure if any pizza deliveries will be open but maybe he’ll find something). Alternatively, his mum (or other female relatives) will just start doing it for him and then he will be lauded as a hero for doing dinner all by himself (even if he barely does anything, and if you’d done it they wouldn’t have really even noticed all the effort) and you will look bad to them (not that you should care). So I think it’s a bit of a rock and a hard place and you’re not going to win here. I do agree though that he needs to find some empathy. Or you need to give him a list of tasks to complete in advance.

Sorry but @MatildaIThink is minimizing the work to host 17 people, she’s probably never done it before, or has done it and is maybe one of those hosts that thinks they’re marvelous but everyone goes away hungry

I don't think I am marvellous, but I think I am ok at it, but I choose food that works for the situation. For 17 people there are things that work really easily, pizzas in the oven, with nibbles is nice and easy if you do it buffet style so that people can graze on the pizzas as they come out of the oven and the next batch go in. Chilli works well as you can pre-cook and keep it in slow cookers, obviously not this time of year, but a BBQ works well in summer, sausages and mash etc. Even a roast dinner for 17 people is just about possible with normal home ovens, although seating would be an issue.

The key to catering for large numbers of people is choosing the food that fits the numbers and works with the kitchen space you have available.

Original poster

Heruka · 14/12/2021 12:16

Thank you all. I’m not opposed to pizza and making things easy - was planning a buffet with a mix of homemade and bought in stuff. So means multiple evenings in the run up of shopping, cooking and freezing.

I think where I’m putting unnecessary pressure is we are veggie and his family make it clear that they think this is very weird, one sister wouldn’t stay with us because of it. So I do feel a pressure to impress them with tasty veggie food. And that’s the bit I need to let go. It doesn’t matter what they think of my lifestyle or whether they like my food - telling myself anyway!!

I also would like us to weed around the front of the house etc, as gardens are another area that will attract judgement. DH thinks this is unnecessary and I suspect he is right.

So definitely happy to admit there are areas I just need to care less and I wouldn’t be so stressed. But I think my feelings are valid too - thanks madison - I may have also told everyone to get out this weekend - and I’m not being ridiculous to find this stressful.

OP posts:

CPL593H · 14/12/2021 12:46

Unless they will need to hack a path to the front door with a machete otherwise, forget the weeds! If they are the sort of people who really would judge you for having a less than perfect front garden (in December) their opinion is valueless anyway.

rookiemere · 14/12/2021 12:49

Yes and regarding the food, it doesn't sound like you even like his family very much, or at the very least they seem a bit hard work, so don't bust a gut on catering. M&S do nice looking buffet offerings including veggie stuff, that and some nice cheese and jobs done.

gogohm · 14/12/2021 12:50

I personally wouldn't because despite the fact it's hard, it's definitely my domain the kitchen. My dp is a decent sous chef though - he'll peel spuds, cross Brussels and even kneed dough on request but it's like cooking with a primary school aged child, you have to tell him each step

ouchmyfeet · 14/12/2021 13:08

@Heruka

And ps to the pp who was upset I am privately hoping for restrictions to cancel the party - sorry - I know that would be devastating for lots of people. Here I go trying to take care of feelings. I don’t wish it on others but I think it’s ok for me to feel privately that a small and quiet Christmas with my own brood and no need to perform, would be my dream. Thankfully restrictions are not my decision! It’s too late to create the Xmas I actually want now but I will in future.

You are not alone OP. My Christmas wish is for it all to be taken out of my hands and my PILs not to be allowed to come and stay

dubyalass · 14/12/2021 16:44

My Christmas plans only involve immediate family but even so, they have all said they're "easy-going" about what we do. The translation of that is "I can't be arsed to make a decision about this, so it's up to you." My dad is also suggesting we rent somewhere for Christmas week but actually this would only work if there are lots of food options open locally, because it simply won't occur to him that we'd need to eat three times a day for a week and therefore someone has to buy enough food to last. He just thinks we need to eat on Christmas day, doesn't consider the other six days, but I'm fucked if I'm going to be the one that organises it all just because I'm female. It's different if they come to me, I have loads of food in and we can just nip to the supermarket if needed. Can't do that in the middle of nowhere.

HeartvsBrain · 15/12/2021 01:56

Maybe just show him this thread OP? You have most people here supporting your point that catering for guests puts us under much more pressure than our day to day catering does. I believe that hosting at Christmas time puts us under even more pressure, as nearly everyone has heightened expectations over Christmas, and we don't want to let anyone down.

CharityDingle · 16/12/2021 21:46

@Heruka

I also would like us to weed around the front of the house etc, as gardens are another area that will attract judgement. DH thinks this is unnecessary and I suspect he is right.

I think in that case, let him be the one doing the shopping, cooking and freezing. He can take the lead on this, you will pitch in as required. But don't do the planning and preparation. I know that will probably go against the grain with you, but it might help him to realise a bit more what's involved. If people are only coming to judge you, or your house, sod them anyway.

Original poster

Heruka · 16/12/2021 22:44

Thank you CharityDingle. I cannot overstate how much this man does not understand food unfortunately, when we first met I was eating an avocado and gave him a bit. He’d never tried one and liked it. When I asked him if he knew what it was he was like ‘yeah of course, it’s an apricot’ . So it would defo be against the grain! If left to him it would either be the pizza or his speciality which is a fake meat item from freezer served with mashed together carrots and potatoes (no butter, milk or seasoning, well ketchup).

When I started the thread I was so hurt and raging I was almost prepared to allow this to happen. But actually you all helped me think it through - I think his family would be so embarrassed and it’s just airing dirty linen innit, which would stress me too.

I’m pleased though to say that I did the list of everything last night as suggested and asked him to claim tasks - he has set reminders for various house prep tasks on boxing morning, and tonight sat writing all the Xmas cards for the neighbours, after helping DD with her school ones - never had anything to do with cards before. And he is sourcing teacher gifts.

I like food and don’t really want to eat one of his meals even on Xmas eve, I realise now I am calmer. I’m still upset about the general principle but have also been reflecting that if he does things to help when I ask, his opinion of how hard cooking etc is doesn’t really matter does it? I know it is hard for me and if I know myself and feel more confident then I can shrug off his shite talk, and never get myself into such a situation again!

OP posts:

Ubiquery · 18/12/2021 12:27

I really wish you’d just left him to it all. In our house the person whose family/friends it is does the prep. This thread has got me wondering if DP’s sil judges us for this.

I do hope so.

ode2me · 18/12/2021 13:02

@Luredbyapomegranate

I wouldn’t do two lots of massive family cooking in a row. It’s too much, why should you.

I like letting him order pizza is too much fuck you, but just either but the roast from Cook or M n S, or do something easier but Christmassy like a Scandi buffet.

I can’t cook either but I know cooking for 17 must be stressful. I wouldn’t let him off the hook on this.

What's a Scandi buffet?

BalloonsOnFire · 18/12/2021 13:03

We had an argument last year as the full mental load falls to me and I was struggling finding time to wrap gifts etc when I said to dh how am I going to do this he kept saying ‘oh it’ll get done’ but when pressed on this statement he wasn’t offering help or solutions it was a different he was just saying it and not thinking so basically saying ‘it’ll get done ‘ meant ‘oh you’ll do it somehow at some point ‘ like I’m magical ffs and can magic up extra hours when I need to

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 28/12/2021 22:53

So did you @Heruka? Hope you had a good Xmas however you worked it out in the end

Original poster

Heruka · 29/12/2021 23:13

Thanks for thinking of me @HappyGoLuckyLuLu, so the curveball came into the mix that youngest got chicken pox the weekend before Xmas, so meant I had no kid free time to prepare buffet things as I planned. Decided to tell them all I was ordering a curry. Still was totally done doing all the prep for the guests to stay for 3 nights and snacks etc for the Boxing Day gathering as well as Xmas, while wee one ill and not sleeping.

Then come Boxing Day none of the takeaways round here opened til 5 and we planned to eat at 2! I had some soups frozen, knocked out a last min quiche and put out loads of cheese and frozen party food. Was a massive enough job like that, let alone what I’d originally prepared.

Has made me realise there are some fundamental issues with DH not respecting my role and what it involves, I’ve been really hurt and it’s been a tough Xmas. Also possibly have covid of course from gathering with so many people. I have definitely learned that I will never do this again and Xmas day will be just us at home from now on!

OP posts:

Carriemac · 31/12/2021 11:10

@Heruka you say 'I had to' - where was your DH in all this?

Kshhuxnxk · 31/12/2021 11:34

Are you always so condescending about your DH? Purely reading your posts and some of comments you've made about him sounds like you think he isn't good enough for you!

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 31/12/2021 14:23

Gosh vipers have come out. Have had some tough conversations with my DH recently & he does a reasonable amount in the house cooking wise but the rest he leaves to me but he agreed he's been taking me for granted, so here's hoping we can manage a more equitable 2022 - hope the same for you too @Heruka - Happy New Year for later x

Original poster

Heruka · 31/12/2021 16:08

Oh that’s good @HappyGoLuckyLuLu!! Had a good long conversation last night and he apologised and said he realised he had been dismissive and minimising of what was involved.

@Kshhuxnxk, I’m intrigued by your comment, are you referring to my comments him not understanding food etc? Honestly he knows less about food and cooking than the average teenager I know. He’s a very intelligent and capable person but I think at least if he’s not going to learn to cook, he should appreciate more what’s involved. Help me understand the condescension you are seeing? Genuinely, I’m interested.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4