No one is interested in the Christmas tree

[CommonRoom]

I buy a big, real tree every year and we have a beautiful collection of lights and decorations. I really go to town! Today I spent several hours carrying the tree home, moving furniture and putting the tree up. It's an 8 foot tree so it was all quite an effort. DH did not bother to help. I asked him but he 'forgot.'

DD came home from uni and I asked her to let me know when she was ready to decorate the tree. She just spent the whole evening on the sofa on her phone. DH went to his study and shut the door. I didn't want to instruct people to help me because I have spent years doing that. The tree is bare in the living room. The lack of enthusiasm has upset and annoyed me.

I am fairly certain if I decorate it myself I will be accused of being grumpy, impatient and impulsive. What should I do?

Do what you actually want to do. If you'd enjoy getting a few decorations on, then do that, and stop when you've had enough. Or you could do the whole thing perfectly, exactly as you want it done. Or If you can't be arsed, then don't do it at all.

Don't be a martyr about it though, because that will make you miserable, and also piss everyone else off as well.

[quote CommonRoom]@Tittyfilarious81 The thing is though, I have spent the last 20 years instigating absolutely everything to do with Christmas. I want to feel part of a family which does things together, not one which has to be chivvied into doing things. My experience is that I end up doing things and then get told I am uptight and impulsive. I really hoped that by asking them to choose when they wanted to do it I could make it more of a family thing than a mum bossing everyone thing.[/quote]
I understand your perspectives, but these days with technology and other distractions, sometimes boss mode, is better.

I understand. It's normally all driven by me too. I make ds's help me get the stuff out of the loft. But I put up all the decs, tree, outside lights - although Dh did come and help.

I got really angry. Worse still this year I wanted to put the lights up on 28th November because that weekend I had time. And because Ds1 had a huge sports event last weekend, and we have our family Christmas party this weekend, so two weeks ago was convenient to me. But Dh said no, it's too early it's only November.

But mid week I was so cross and told him so. That it wouldn't have made any difference to him if I'd got them out. And put them up. I could've not put the outside lights actually on.

So since then I thought sod it, that's killed Christmas for me, I'm not even gonna bother. But yesterday I had a change of heart and now they are all up.

Tbf to Dh he's bought all the presents and wrapped them. I've only wrapped 3 last week. So we are now done. I ordered a few minor things from M&S, pigs in blankets etc ages ago, so I now feel prepared.

My tree and decorations were brought from the loft yesterday. So far they have moved towards the corner that we put the tree up in and that’s it.
The only person interested is the dog and that’s because his world has been reduced to a post surgery cone that restricts his view of stuff.
It will either go up next week sometime or be put back in the loft.

It would infuriate me too. Sent hubby to buy tree yesterday and eldest (22) decorated it. Youngest (16) wanted it moving as it upset her ocd. Despite all that I was relieved they were joining in. We had one year youngest was I'll and oldest had split from a boyfriend where neither participated. Some years are just like that. This is yours. Hugs.

I do understand op , it’s disappointing for you. There’s a distinct lack of Christmas spirit in my house too - our tree and decorations haven’t even made it down from the loft.

You sound frustrated. I would personally just put the lights on and let them do the rest, but I rather like bare Xmas trees with just lights, I think they are beautiful that way.

Try to let it go, I know it’s hard because you are annoyed and feel your effort has been taken for granted, but take a deep breath and let it roll of your back

I loved the idea of decorating a tree with family when I was younger but honestly ist wasn't fun. Mum just ended up dictating everything and I found it really boring.

You sound just like my mum OP.
She asks us to do something 'when you feel like it' or 'when you have time', but if we don't do it precisely when she has secretly decided it needs to be done (usually about ten minutes after she asked) she does it herself with huffing, sulking and passive aggressive comments about how we never do anything she asks.

And your DD is presumably about 20, not 2, she's well aware that you move all the decorations around after she's complied with your order to decorate the tree and she must wonder why on earth she bothered.

I agree with a PP - your family aren't mind readers, if you've got a set time in mind that you would like them to help TELL THEM, don't say 'let me know' and then sulk when they don't do so on your timescale. Likewise if the tree is the one thing that you're desperate to do together as a family, tell them how important it is to you instead of silently seething.

Do what I did, I bought a prelit 24” artificial one from M&S and stuck that up, it was really pretty too. There was much outrage, but I don’t care.

I was hoping someone would show some spontaneous interest of their own this year.

I think most of us can relate to this, but sadly the reality of family life often falls short of the glowing images we are sold.

Just crack on and decorate a beautiful tree for yourself, and enjoy it for yourself too.

Leave it. I have the same thing. Buying it getting it back moving furniture, finding the lights untangling them finding they don’t work.

Does the Christmas tree represent bigger issues in your relationship? Maybe a general disappointment in the last 20 years?

Why don't you ask each of them to organise something nice for the family over Christmas? But let them choose (maybe it's a movie, or hot chocolate or whatever). Share the work of creating nice social moments, but give up control of it being specific things. Then you can invite them to the tree decorating as 'your' thing that you really care about.

Two baubles, one piece of tinsel. Make sad face on tree. Say nothing.

Be more assertive and decisive op. Tell them you're decorating the tree if they'd like to join you and if they don't then they don't. Put on carols. Pour yourself some Mulled wine and get stuck in. It exactly what I've done this year, and lo and behold dd1 did drift in and help. Which was good as putting lights around the tree on my own wasn't easy. Dd2 didn't bother. Maybe ask your dd for a hand in putting up the lights as it's a two man job and you'll find she sticks around too for the decs. And if doesn't don't pressure her 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's meant to be fun not a chore.

You also need to get assertive with your Dh. I'm amazed that he didn't help you with the lifting etc! That's really quite crappy.

@CommonRoom

Enjoy doing it even if it is by yourself. You know if she doesn't help you, at least the decorations will be where you are happy they go, and when you stand back to look at it, you wont have to secretly move them about later. (I know she is older so placing them in odd places might not happen, although my younger teens would still do this).

One of my dc said when refusing to help 'I really love you though' and also told me afterwards it was beautiful and I had done a good job.

Similar in my house. Tree got deliverers Monday. Put up Tuesday and sat there until yesterday Undecorated. DP cannot see the point in the tree. My DD did help but they are young so I had redo most of it. It's nice now it's up.

You have in your head a romanticised version of a family decorating the tree together ao tou are getting passed off because that is not their vision. Just decorate it and leave them to get on with doing what they want to do. If you really must set a time and tell then that is why it is happening but don't set the time tk clash with their football/F1/insert other activity and then get in their way or moan if they don't join in.

I blame ch5 xmas movies.

They always show lovely cheery families all putting the tree and decorations up. Music in the background, mince pies and hot chocolate all round. And everyone from the youngest to the oldest enjoying it all and smiling and chatting.

Then you look round at your house and the kitchens a mess, the place needs hoovered, the kids are online in their rooms, your dh is glued to the football/rugby/F1, the dogs farting in the corner...and it just all a monumental pisser.

@SpringRainbow I am a bit mystified by your interpretation of my situation. It's as if you have a fixed view of mothers gleaned from a 1980s marriage guidance booklet. I am not a martyr waiting for people to guess would I would like. Of course I know that I have to be very clear about what I want!

1. Both DDs are away at uni. I messaged the family whatsapp group last week and said 'I am picking up the xmas tree on Saturday. It would be great to decorate it together if you're at home by the weekend'. DD1 replied 'sorry not back until Tuesday. Enjoy the decorating and share a photo when it's done!" DD2 messaged 'great, I will be back Saturday afternoon and looking forward to doing it!'

1. A couple of hours after DD2 got home from uni I said 'let me know when you'd like to do the tree' She hasn't been out at all, she's just been on her phone or asleep but she hasn't shown any interest in the tree at all. She could have been hungover yesterday but today she's been energetically unpacking and still no interest in the tree.

For everyone else who hasn't replied to me making strange, dated assumptions about me; thank you for the support and enjoy your own trees!

I am far from the perfect mother.

I am just not afraid to speak up and be honest.

Maybe your daughter is waiting for you to say “are you ready to do the tree now”?

Anyway, as you were

@ViceLikeBlip

Do what you actually want to do. If you'd enjoy getting a few decorations on, then do that, and stop when you've had enough. Or you could do the whole thing perfectly, exactly as you want it done. Or If you can't be arsed, then don't do it at all.

Don't be a martyr about it though, because that will make you miserable, and also piss everyone else off as well.

Well said.

I used to hate Christmas as everything was down to me. Now in my new life I do the decorations because I absolutely love them and the cards because I enjoy that too. My partner does all the food as he loves to plan and cook. We don’t do presents unless it’s something big for us both and worth it. Everyone else gets token presents, biscuits, chocolates etc.

l would decorate the tree myself. l think you were lucky to have had years of all of the family chipping in but now they are older they have lost interest. Times change and you have to move on, l love decorating my house by myself, my two older sons think its funny how excited l get by it all, but they arent into it and l wouldnt guilt trip or force them to get involved, they have their own interests. You say yiyr not guilt tripping them but you do have expectations of them getting involved. l would put some xmas music on, pour myself a drink and just happily get on with it.

It's the opposite in this house, DD is always really keen to decorate for Christmas and I can't stand it. She has to harass me into doing it and I'm always putting up blocks and trying to postpone the inevitable. She wants to get a tree today, which she usually does with DH but he has Covid so can't go out. I don't fancy it so I've told her we're not leaving until she has completely tidied the sitting room to buy myself an extra half hour.