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Original poster

No one is interested in the Christmas tree

112 replies

CommonRoom · 11/12/2021 22:01

I buy a big, real tree every year and we have a beautiful collection of lights and decorations. I really go to town! Today I spent several hours carrying the tree home, moving furniture and putting the tree up. It's an 8 foot tree so it was all quite an effort. DH did not bother to help. I asked him but he 'forgot.'

DD came home from uni and I asked her to let me know when she was ready to decorate the tree. She just spent the whole evening on the sofa on her phone. DH went to his study and shut the door. I didn't want to instruct people to help me because I have spent years doing that. The tree is bare in the living room. The lack of enthusiasm has upset and annoyed me.

I am fairly certain if I decorate it myself I will be accused of being grumpy, impatient and impulsive. What should I do?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 11/12/2021 23:17

I think we all have a fantasy of how Christmas should be from the movies etc but really just accepting how it is makes life easier.
My gd helped me decorate ours so maybe that time will come round again.
Also my dc get excited by the tree/ dinner etc now that they live away and arrive home for Christmas

WTF99 · 11/12/2021 23:17

I feel your pain OP.
Just tell them to fucking help you decorate the fucking tree because it's important to you and you have carried this shit for years and now they need to step up if they want a fucking tree..

I may be protecting a little...

DaisyNGO · 11/12/2021 23:19

@CommonRoom

I am not coercing them! That's so odd! I am doing the opposite of coercing. I have said it would be really great if we could do it together but asked them to let me know when THEY want to do it. Precisely so that they do not feel chivvied or coerced.

@SpringRainbow I don't think you have read my posts at all.

But do they want to do it at all?

When I was a teen, I was the only one in the family who wanted or cared about a tree. The rest of my family were obsessed about the food. So
I grunted at all tedious questions about crispness of potatoes etc but I didn't badger them about the tree. I quite liked decorating a tree myself but it wasn't 8ft...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Couchbettato · 11/12/2021 23:20

[quote CommonRoom]@Tittyfilarious81 The thing is though, I have spent the last 20 years instigating absolutely everything to do with Christmas. I want to feel part of a family which does things together, not one which has to be chivvied into doing things. My experience is that I end up doing things and then get told I am uptight and impulsive. I really hoped that by asking them to choose when they wanted to do it I could make it more of a family thing than a mum bossing everyone thing.[/quote]
After 20 years you're expecting them to suddenly change their habits?

They're probably awaiting delegation because that's how it's always been.

It might not be what you want but if I were your child or husband and it's what has been done for 2 decades I'd be awaiting instructions from the captain, lest I do something wrong.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 11/12/2021 23:20

I am impressed you got an 8 foot tree home with no help, I’m sure it will look fab and they’ll really appreciate it when they see it.

Couchbettato · 11/12/2021 23:22

Also I just decorated our tree with my grandmother and she was in my way and I was in her way and I said next year one of us will just do that, and it's exactly what I'd been saying every year for the past 5 years because to be honest it's a farce when you're trying to do something and the other person has other ideas.

Charley50 · 11/12/2021 23:23

I asked DS to help do ours but he 'wasn't ready.' So I put some music on, poured a drink and did it myself. He did say it looked lovely (unprompted) when he saw it. Can't be arsed to get annoyed about it anymore; last year I might have.

headintheproverbial · 11/12/2021 23:59

Oh I have this every year. I now just enjoy doing it on my own. Don't let resentment spoil it for you.

Everyone loves the tree when it's up!

SpringRainbow · 12/12/2021 05:00

I have read your posts but you still haven’t answered my original question.

Have you ever used your voice to tell them about your visions of a family tree decorating moment where you all feel together.

I am guessing not.

Jacaranda75 · 12/12/2021 05:05

We have the opposite problem. My DD was so excited to decorate a tree but we tried to buy a tree yesterday and everywhere was out of stock. She was heartbroken.

SivvyPlath · 12/12/2021 05:13

@MrsLarry

Stop being dramatic and just decorate the tree
This.
Kinsters · 12/12/2021 06:29

I'd just do it yourself and enjoy it, they can join in if they want to. DH isn't bothered by Christmas decorations at all so I went and got the tree myself and told him we were going to decorate it at the weekend. It was up for a few days before we had the time to decorate it but I did the lights cause that's a one person job/not so fun thing to do so it didn't look so bare

RedRobin100 · 12/12/2021 06:42

You can want them to want to help you all you want. It doesn’t mean they will.

Maybe in a few years when DD is older her attitude to Christmas will change. Mine did.

I wouldn’t hold out for DH though.

So, either boss and correct them into it, which will just annoy you more, or suck it up and do it yourself letting go of expectation and resentment - and try to enjoy it yourself.

RedRobin100 · 12/12/2021 06:43

That should say boss and coerce /guilt them into doing it..

NuNameNuMe · 12/12/2021 06:48

On my phone is is note to myself written a few Christmases ago. It reads "Organise what you want and let everyone else do that or fuck off". It works for me.Grin

RedHelenB · 12/12/2021 06:50

[quote CommonRoom]@Nicecardigan. Of course, I move everything around on the tree when they have gone to bed![/quote]
I'd just get on and do it yourself then. Fair enough to have to move some bits when you've tiny kids that can only clump things together on the lower branches but a grown up dd and dh should be more than capable. Getting the martyr vibes from your OP.

TedMullins · 12/12/2021 06:54

Maybe they’re just not bothered about Christmas, it isn’t a crime not to care about it!

Autumnscene · 12/12/2021 07:05

I get what you’re saying op.

For 3 decades my dh enthused about the decorations, the kids loved it all as well. Then they became teenagers and had no interest in decorations at all. My dh would put up decorations really badly if I left him to it on his own. We eventually divorced and my new partner helps with the tree ( he loves a big real tree) but he wants me to decorate it by my self as I’m artistic with decorations. And he loves decorations as much as I do. I love doing decorations by myself.. I get what I want and when the kids come (in their 20s and 30s now) they walk into a wonderland.

I’d say enjoy doing it on your own ( then you’re not rearranging it all when the others are out of sight )

Hellolittlestar · 12/12/2021 07:09

Oh no, you can’t move decorations around.

dottiedodah · 12/12/2021 07:15

My DH gets the Tree,puts it up and sorts the lights out. After that all down to me! Some years DD and BF have done it .Sometimes DD on her own .This year did it myself . Thing is unless youre an extra on "Its a Wonderful Life" or something ,the family like it when its up ,but if between COD or phone whatever and helping Mum put Tree up not much of a chance of winning TBH!

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2021 07:20

Do it yourself but don't put up with them calling you names for doing so tell them to cut that shit out

YourenutsmiLord · 12/12/2021 07:27

I'm decorating the tree today but it will be pretty quickly done - it shines in the window and can be seen by passers by and looks nice and Xmassy. DH does buggar all. I suppose he would if I asked. GDCs are coming so it's worth it. So it will be worth doing for you too DP, most likely, in the future. Meanwhile just get a small one next year.

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 12/12/2021 07:28

I think this has turned into an interesting thread. It has made me think about parenting styles and how you mould young people along the way.

I don't really care about Christmas so ours is quite low key, but the kids take the lead in decorating the tree if I get the box out, writing cards to relatives and will always be up for baking etc.

Eldest is 9 so I expect it will go off, but I wonder when and how.

Or maybe it is just the type of family. DH cares less about Xmas than me but he always does any heavy work and has put up the lights with good natured grumbling, just like my darling dad did

cptartapp · 12/12/2021 07:35

DC used to help decorate for Xmas when they were younger. DS2 is now 16 and not bothered. I can guarantee DS1 when back from uni wouldnt have helped either. He didn't last year. They're growing up, not fussed anymore. Different priorities. If your DD really wanted to help she would.
It's sad, but traditions change and times move on. I'd still love to read 'the night before Xmas' to mine on Xmas eve forever but it ain't gonna happen.
Your DH is a different matter. What other Xmas prep does he leave for you?

Parusmajor · 12/12/2021 07:39

I have found things easier if I let go of expectations of how I want others to be and the ideal of something in my head.

Sounds negative but it isn't, I just realised there are lots of things I enjoy with others but some things I get excited about that they don't but that's ok, I find the magic still exists if I'm by myself!

Fwiw, I am Miss Christmas but honestly, found helping my mum with the tree quite boring. Now that I have my own, with decorations I have chosen over the years, I like doing it with a bit of Christmas music on but it's not my favourite job. So while your family may appreciate the end result, the actual doing of it may just not appeal! But I bet you'll have lots of other lovely moments that are perhaps not what you expected.