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Can a man answer this for me?

64 replies

Whoopsiee · 10/12/2021 02:12

Hi all

I’m a married female in her early 30s with young children. I basically live in my pyjamas, never get dolled up and hardly get dressed either. Don’t get me wrong, I do take a shower and I’m clean, brush my hair and look put together but all the whilst wearing pyjamas or loungewear. Between maternity leave and working from home I’ve just never felt the need to get dressed up, even at weekends I don’t bother. It’s more so because I’m simply not into it anymore. If I get any spare time between general house chores and child related stuff then the last thing on my mind is putting on make up or a nice outfit.

Anyway, the question is… how do men feel about this? Am I being naive in thinking my partner doesn’t mind or should I be putting in more effort to impress him and keep the relationship alive. I know it depends on each individual and relationship but generally do men prefer their ladies to look nice?

I know my partner would definitely prefer me to put more of an effort in, I feel like I’ve become a lazy slob who’s just not investing in her relationship anymore. I get help around the house and with the kids so it’s not like I don’t get that little spare time to do it but I can’t bring myself to bother?

Sorry rambled a bit.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 10/12/2021 02:16

Im not a man, but if you're not investing in your relationship then thats the issue. Unless you dont want too?

Whoopsiee · 10/12/2021 02:18

@Letsallscreamatthesistene - that’s a good point

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/12/2021 02:20

Do you still have sex?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Whoopsiee · 10/12/2021 02:26

@GiantHaystacks2021 - yeah but only ever initiated by him. I enjoy it once we’re into the swing of things but I don’t jump with joy at first.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 10/12/2021 02:31

Get dressed. You sound like you are slowly sinking. This is not just for your marriage but for you. I am not saying makeup etc everyday but definitely get dressed.

Gretaburley · 10/12/2021 02:32

Do you think you should make more effort?

For me I like the differentiation between daywear and nightwear.
I work better after a shower and change of clothes.
I also wouldn’t like my dh to be a slob so won’t be one myself.

Kanaloa · 10/12/2021 02:36

No man (or woman) can tell you how you and your partner feel about your relationship. There’s two people that know how things are there and one of them is you.

Are you happy with how things are? Do you feel the relationship is going well? Can you communicate with your partner and gauge how he feels?

That’s where the real answers are, not a random man on the internet telling you that you do/do not need to wear makeup.

Nextstationpaddington · 10/12/2021 02:38

You just said you know your partner will prefer you to put more effort in, so what do you need other men to advise you on?.

Whoopsiee · 10/12/2021 02:46

I knew I’d get a few comments about not asking random men on the internet but I want to know generally if it’s true that a man likes to see some nice figure hugging clothes and perhaps some skin showing on his lady?

OP posts:
Chunkymenrock · 10/12/2021 02:47

I do think getting dressed is fundamental and makes you feel more purposeful. It's quite a bad example for your kids too, spending all day in your pjs.

Kanaloa · 10/12/2021 02:50

It doesn’t matter if a random on the internet likes to see figure hugging outfits and some ‘skin showing on his lady.’ Confused what odd phrasing to use. If you can’t ascertain where your relationship is and don’t even want to get dressed in clothes then a crop top and tight leggings isn’t going to save the day. Good relationships aren’t built on sexy clothes but on trust and communication.

1forAll74 · 10/12/2021 03:01

It's got nothing to do with what men would prefer to see you wearing, as in clingy low cut clothes etc, Getting changed out of night clothes, will make you feel better in the day, as opposed to not being bothered about anything. You will literally be wearing your pyjamas 24 hours a day otherwise.

HeartvsBrain · 10/12/2021 04:26

Dear OP as you haven't mentioned suffering from any illnesses like Fibromyalgia etc then I think that you may be suffering from depression. Not wanting to get dressed, not being bothered about leaving your home at all, in fact really not being bothered by much at all, can all be classic signs of depression. Do you go out shopping? Do you take the children to a park? Have you any children who go to a nursery or of are school age? If you do go outside for any reason, do you still wear your pjs or leisurewear then?

In non Covid times, before many GP's decided that actually they don't need to see their patients face to face, or even refer their patients to people like cousellors themselves, then my first reaction would have been to advise you to see your GP as soon as possible. Unfortunately I can't see any other way around it though - unless you are one of the new mums who is fortunate enough to have a good health visitor? If you do, please confide in her, she might be able to help you get to see your GP face to face? If those options are not possible then you may need to be prepared to have a telephone appointment with your GP, but your GP does need to know how you are feeling and coping, because how you are feeling right now does not seem to be very good for you.

Do you have any other support apart from your partner, maybe close family near by, or good friends (preferably ones who are parents themselves)? The phenomenon of parenthood, and sorry dads - some of you are brilliant - but the phenomenon of motherhood, especially if it is for the first time, makes a massive shift in most of our psyches. We suddenly have a tiny human being almost totally reliant on us, but in the background, unless we are either very lucky in our support from a partner or family, or unless we are wealthy enough to buy in extra help with running the house and/or helping with the baby, we also have to manage our homes, feed the inmates, and keep that little bundle of terrifying treasure healthy and happy. I am sure there must be some mums who can pretty much take all that in their stride, and still manage as an almost fully functioning human being as well. I fell far short of that "ideal"(?), especially with my first baby (baby numbers 2 and 3 somehow became easier to handle, something to do with experience I suppose).

So if you do turn out to be depressed, for whatever reason - I feel like you may not be getting enough physical and emotional support from your partner - the sooner you can get some help the better.

Even if you are not depressed, but maybe a bit overwhelmed (and very few of us have had any experience of new motherhood during a world wide pandemic, the mental stress of that on top of a new baby would be enough to overwhelm anyone) then that can easily lead us to only concentrating on the essential things that need to be done everyday! So please try to not judge yourself, and if anyone close to you, but particularly your partner, is judging you, then they need to get some empathy from somewhere, and fast.

The main problem with your lifestyle at the moment, whether it is contributed to with depression or not, is that it is not healthy for you in the long run. If it is for a limited time, eg you return to work in the New Year, then it can probably be managed until then, but if not, then I still think that you could do with some sort of counselling and professional advice.

I am sending you a big hug OP, because your life at the moment sounds very confusing for you, and not very enjoyable, but if you don't want the hug, either return it or throw it in the bin! The important thing is to take care of yourself, go easy on yourself, don't let anyone guilt trip you, and congratulate yourself that despite everything that is going on in the world today, you are bringing up a precious baby with your love and energy focused on him or her.

Whoopsiee · 10/12/2021 04:48

@HeartvsBrain what a heartfelt and wholesome reply, it’s good to know in this day and age there are still people like you 🙂 thank you so much

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 10/12/2021 06:32

@Whoopsiee

I knew I’d get a few comments about not asking random men on the internet but I want to know generally if it’s true that a man likes to see some nice figure hugging clothes and perhaps some skin showing on his lady?
This is a very odd post. Getting dressed and looking like you are engaged in the world is very different from this sentiment.
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2021 07:09

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MephistophelesApprentice · 10/12/2021 07:23

What's nice is feeling wanted. This can be communicated by attractive clothing, sure, or initiating sex, but also by thoughtful gestures or simply telling your partner "I don't just appreciate you for what you do in the relationship, I also really fancy you." Just something that shows you want them, not just like or need them.

LittleOverWhelmed · 10/12/2021 07:49

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StarlightLady · 10/12/2021 08:24

Female, early 40s here. I will be brief as you have not invited input from other women.

I can only speak from my own point of view. Starting from lockdown 1, when working from home, every morning, l dressed for work and put on a little make up. The makeup is probably not noticeable on video calls but l did it for me! And felt better for it.

Friday lunchtime was and still is “posh frock walk”. I get all dressed up and go for a one hour circular walk. Even with the duvet coat over (obviously not needed in the summer) it made me feel good about myself.

Are you happy OP? I ask because you reference to “don’t bother” and each day and time sounds a duplicate of another.

Who knows how we would all feel if the Covid thing hadn’t happened.

I’d suggest try a different approach for, say, a couple of weeks and see how you feel then.

SmolCat · 10/12/2021 08:35

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PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2021 08:40

Mumsnet is an odd place to come looking for men’s opinions.

Why would the views of total random “men” (who knows what sex any of the posters here are in real life) be representative of what yours husband thinks? Women have totally different tastes in what they find attractive. Why wouldn’t men be the same? You’ve already said you know your partner wants you to put more effort on so why do you even need other views from men?

The key thing here is how not getting properly dressed every day and taking care of yourself is affecting your own mental and physical health.

Parky04 · 10/12/2021 08:42

@Whoopsiee

I knew I’d get a few comments about not asking random men on the internet but I want to know generally if it’s true that a man likes to see some nice figure hugging clothes and perhaps some skin showing on his lady?
Blimey is that what you think all of us men want! If my partner remained in pyjamas all day I would worry about her mental health. Taking a shower/bath and getting dressed is in my opinion important. Doesn't really matter what you wear though (as long as the clothes are relatively clean).
ShesComeUndone · 10/12/2021 08:44

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Bluntness100 · 10/12/2021 08:50

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AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2021 08:57

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