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Original poster

Hit me up with your dad jokes

114 replies

BabyRace · 05/12/2021 20:57

DFIL starts chemo next week. It's shit. We're trying to keep spirits up (but really just burst into tears at any moment).

I wanna send him a dad joke daily. He's the king of dad jokes and I know it'll bring a smile, even if it's temporary.

It's gonna be a long road, so as many as you can please!

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 06/12/2021 10:21

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL. It's so difficult, I know.

Hopefully, he'll like these jokes because they are awesome!

HailAdrian · 06/12/2021 10:23

Do you ever look at yourself naked in the mirror and think 'I'm gonna get thrown out of this IKEA'?

cherrypiepie · 06/12/2021 12:47

How much does a polar bear weigh?
I don't know but I breaks the ice.

How do you eat welsh cheese?
Caerphilly. (Carefully Xmas Grin)

Best wishes to you all Thanks

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 06/12/2021 13:06

What do you call a firefighter who can detect different kinds of fires?
A fire distinguisher!

CounsellorTroi · 06/12/2021 15:40

What has four legs and flies?

Two pairs of trousers

uptoongirl · 06/12/2021 15:52

How much does Santa have to pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it's on the house!

Flipflopblowout · 06/12/2021 16:00

Why was the snowman looking ion a box of carrots?
He was picking his nose😁

RobertaFirmino · 06/12/2021 16:02

I went to the butchers yesterday. When I got there, the man behind the counter said 'I bet you £100 that you can't reach that beef up there on the top shelf'.
I said 'I'm sorry, the stakes are too high'.

I went to the pub last night. I met this spider, he was a really nice bloke. Told me he was a web designer.

I said to my husband 'We need to talk about looking for a new rental property. He said 'Yes, lets'.

I'll get my coat...

FutilityCupboard · 06/12/2021 16:11

That’s a really good idea, hope all goes well.
Why can’t you knit a scarf out of cheese? Because fromage frais

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
You’re a poo??????

Choccyp1g · 06/12/2021 16:14

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm all right noowwwwww.

Choccyp1g · 06/12/2021 16:14

What's the difference between the usual alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?

No L

Ididanamechange · 06/12/2021 16:17

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 06/12/2021 16:22

Dis you hear the news about shortbread?
They aren't making it any longer.

Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window?
He wanted to see time fly.

How do you get down from a tree?
Sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.

IglesiasPiggl · 06/12/2021 16:34

I walked past a bloke busking in the street. His hood was jumping up and down in time to the music. I said "Can you make a living out of this?" He said "Yes sir, it's my lively hood".

MamaWeasel · 06/12/2021 17:50

Why did the scarecrow deserve a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field.....

Original poster
BabyRace · 06/12/2021 20:07

If nothing else, these are making me smile. Thank you all. More please!

OP posts:
noeyeidea · 06/12/2021 20:16

I had to go to a&e this morning after accidentally drinking some invisible ink.

I’m still waiting to be seen 🤣

SilenceOfThePrams · 06/12/2021 20:28

Kermit the frog walks into a bank, carrying a little China model of Miss Piggy.

“Name and purpose,” asks Patricia Whack, the junior cashier on duty at the time.

“Kermit Jagger, and I need £10,000”

“And what security can you give us?”

Kermit hands over his much cherished Miss Piggy statuette.

“Terribly sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can accept this,” says Ms Whack, “I’m not even sure what it is,” as she heads off to consult her manager.

The manager examines the model, comes over to Kermit, and says “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

FutilityCupboard · 06/12/2021 20:38

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman burning her credit card bills?
Bernadette

franke · 06/12/2021 20:40

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

Legdaysucks · 06/12/2021 20:43

Why can't you see a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because it's hiding!!!

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 06/12/2021 20:47

This is from my 9 year old son:

There was a man who was mad about tractors. He had posters, mini models, six expensive real life ones and a subscription to Tractor Monthly. And then, one horrible day, his best friend was run over by a tractor. He threw away the models, scrunched up the posters and sold the tractors and ended his subscription.

Years later, he was out on a date with a lovely lady when suddenly, smoke filled the restaurant from the kitchen. Everyone panicked, but he calmly said, "Don't worry, I've got this." He took a deep breath in, sucked up all the smoke, ran outside, expelled it all and then came back in. While everyone clapped and cheered, his date asked him how on earth he'd done that.

He replied, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Narutocrazyfox · 06/12/2021 20:51

Why is 'beef stew' a terrible password?

It's not stroganoff.

Askinvillarblues · 06/12/2021 21:06

Just stole this one from Facebook 🤣

Hit me up with your dad jokes
BabiaMajora · 06/12/2021 21:18

Also one pinched from Facebook.😆

Hit me up with your dad jokes