My friend seems to treat me as just an acquaintance now - I'm finding it hurtful!🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

She moved into our village about 10 years ago, we regularly saw each other on school runs/at supernarket etc, and within a year became close friends, meeting for coffee, evenings out and sometimes with husbands & kids altiogether, too!

I suppose I've noticed a change in her the last 3 years or so (before Lockdown, so I know that's not to blame).

She never contacts me unless i do first (unless it's about meeting up within a group), but if say, 3 of us are meeting up and the other one cancels, she'll then find an excuse and cancel too, she doesn't seem willing to meet just me, as we used to.

Seems to be a pattern - we'll bump into each other out, she'll say 'We must meet up - it's been ages, let me know when you're free)!' I text her, a day gets agreed on, only for her to cancel with an hour's notice with a lame excuse☹

We always did cards & presents for birthdays (not just the 2 of us but kids & dh's too), but in the last few years she hasn't even put a birthday card through our door (we live almost opposite each other)! I was confused when she stopped so still did cards for her & family for a time, but she expressed surprise when i handed her a card for her dd earlier this year - she said 'Oh I can't believe you remembered - I feel guilty as didn't do anything for your two this year'! She didn't, and even when I turned 50 at Easter she just put a 'Happy 50th Birthday' message on Facebook, no card through the door even. When she turned 50 the year before I bought a nice card & flowers! Tbh I'm happy to just do cards, not presents for friends/neighbours and I'm not materialistic, but feel she more or less ignored my 'special' birthday which confused me.

Since then I've just messaged on Facebook for her & her dh's birthdays, but it seems as though we're 'just' neighbours now, rather than the friends we were🤔

I bumped into her recently and from what she said it was clear she thought my dh still worked at the place he left 2 years ago!!😲 Yet she did know, when he changed jobs! It's as if she's drawn a line under the close friendship we had, as if it never happened☹ I know i haven't done anything wrong. I may not be extrovert enough for her i suppose. I've always been the quieter of the two - which was never a problem, our differences worked, but maybe she feels she knows me so well and sees me around anyway, she doesn't 'need' to spend actual time with me. She's clearly lost interest in my kids & dh too though, I just feel weird about the whole thing. Anybody else had this?

Dh says 'Oh people move on, it's natural, and you've got other friends'! True, but I miss her🤔

It sounds like something happened 3 years ago that's caused her to suddenly withdraw. Could it be something you've said that she's either been offended by or misinterpreted? It seems odd to go from close friends to acquaintances. She used to remember birthdays and buy gifts but now she can't even send a basic card?

I think friendship breakups are as hard, or harder to accept than relationship break ups. Ive been on both ends of this; the one creating a bit of distance to the one who was being dumped.

You could ask for clarification from her, as to why she's cooled towards you. Do you think you'd get a straight and honest answer? If the answer is no, then I wouldnt even bother asking her.

Has she made friends with a new group?

Maybe she’s just busy and feels she cant commit the same level of time to your friendship.

Sounds like she still likes you but she may have become a bit awkward with it being just the two of you because she’s cooled down or maybe she fees the pressure is less on her to keep up the friendship when there is a group dynamic?

I have a friend slightly like this where we were very close but honestly, I just didn’t have the time to commit to our friendship. I still like her just as much but I found it a huge strain as I have two best friends from college who keep in touch with me almost daily and with work, family ect I just had to cool off a bit.

Sorry you’re feeling down about x

It sounds like she's just decided you're probably not very compatible as friends, not that you've done anything wrong. It's sad but it happens, people just change and outgrow each other x

I think your dh is right.
Lots of friendships are 'of a time'.
You have said you'd see each other (presumably each day) on school runs, and presumably that time has now passed.
As dc get older (and obviously we as parents do too) then we often fill our lives with other things (might be work, might be a new hobby or some volunteering) and then make new friends through that.

You were a friend that welcomed her to the village sounds like she doesn’t need you like she used to.

To be honest, you sound a bit intense, but I'm not really one for having best friends who live over the road and the knowing everything about each other thing. If this has been going on for over 3 years and you're still hammering away at it, it may be time to step back and find some new people to spend time with, or re-invest in old friendships.

I'd just accept the situation for what it is and move on op. As your dh has said, people often move on and outgrow friendships and you might never actually know why she feels this way. I've had friends come and go throughout my life, sometimes it's them that petered down and stopped contact and sometimes it's been me. I've also got a few friends that have been there a long time and probably always will be.

Thanks everyone - I don't think she's found a new friendship group exactly, she is part of another group who I don't know so well, but she was when we first became friends. She sees a lot more of them than ahe does me though, I see the pictures on Facebook!

I was a bit upset just after Lockdown though. I happened to bump into her and she mentioned she'd had a nice coffee catch-up with our other neighbour who we sometimes meet up as a 3 with. She said she so wanted to see her as had missed her during Lockdown. Now we'd had a catch-up planned the week before, but she cancelled on me with an hour to spare, with a rushed message saying her daughter wasn't well and she needed to food shop. I knew she was lying, I saw her daughter put next day, but what can you do?

Yes, initially we were seeing each other every day on school runs (obvs not now as our kids are all late teens +! 😀 We stayed friends for years after they left primary school though, so i thought our friendship was based on more tham just that, but obviously not, in her eyes!

I've thought of asking her but it's awkward after all this time, i should have when i first noticed. I don't think there's anything i can do really, i can't keep running after her🤔

I think the main thing is try not to take it personally.

I'd bet its really nothing to do with you as a person, and about her needs and feelings. People have lots of different emotional cups that need filling with friendship - friend X fills the fun & gossip cups, friend Y fills the emotional support & bonding cups, etc. Sometimes there's a long period where you need one type of friend over the other, and that's OK.

OP I don't know how to link to old threads but search for the recent one 'intense friendship then dumped'.Not saying it mirrors your situation exactly but it's a comforting read. You are not alone

I think you have to think of it as your friendship has a nice run and actually ended a few years ago. You can still be friendly with her but don’t expect to meet up with her on a one to one basis.

The other neighbour that she is friends with, did you introduce them to each other by any chance? I've introduced friends to other friends in the past and found that they then really buddied up with each other and became cold and offhand towards me.

Thank you all, and I'll have a search for that thread Hollie, it sounds similar to my experience. Thank you! x

Yes, i think I have to view it as we're still (and may always be) friendly but not 'friends' now. The last minute cancelling really annoys me, so I haven't suggested a meet-up.for almost a year now. Thought I'd wait and see if she took the initiative - Guess what - Not one message or phone call, as expected!

She posted an Xmas card through our door the other day, and her handwritten note inside wishing us a 'lovely Christmas, and heaps of happiness for the New Year'.
Nice, but every single neighbour will have got one of those! I obviously still come under her 'neighbour' radar and will probably always be on her Xmas card list, but it no longer extends to birthdays and unless we see each other in the street, there's unlikely to be any contact. Sad, but she's obviously no longer interested🤔

Looking at it from her point of view, it can be hard to end a friendship if you’re not feeling it any more. I am trying to do this with a friend at the moment whose company I no longer enjoy as she’s become very negative and critical. I can’t officially dump her, so I’m trying to just phase it out (although I’m not being a dick and cancelling on her at the last minute.)

With a romantic relationship you officially ‘break up’ with someone, but with a friendship it is trickier. I feel like that’s what your friend wants to do though, so if I were you I would graciously take the hint and move on. I know it’s sad and you will grieve her, but it sounds like it’s run it’s course.

You sound lovely and it's always hard to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing. I think lockdown has changed the nature of lots of friendships though. People's priorities seem to have shifted.

We've virtually stopped seeing friends who were once close. The last minute cancellation rate just became unworkable- we were spending time making plans that I knew wouldn't ever happen. I'm just vague now if they ask to meet up.

I'd stop contacting her, be friendly when you do meet and just see what happens. It might not really be about you. She might simply be absorbed in her own situation.

Lucy - Yes you're right, I introduced her to the other neighbour! She has sometimes joined us for meet-ups. She has a health issue that occasionally crops up, so she'd normally have to cancel on average 1 in 4 meet-ups. Then I realised the pattern, each time she cancelled my other friend would, also☹

My friend who this thread is about, is such a warm-hearted, gregarious extrovert who treats everyone with the same warmth, so her suddenly cooling on me was a shock, I admit! She still greets me 'warmly' when we bump into each other, but that's as far as she'll go. Cancelling last minute doesn't seem something she'd do either, but she's done it enough times now to prove she's not 100% the lovely person she portrays!

@Wisteriabloom

Lucy - Yes you're right, I introduced her to the other neighbour! She has sometimes joined us for meet-ups. She has a health issue that occasionally crops up, so she'd normally have to cancel on average 1 in 4 meet-ups. Then I realised the pattern, each time she cancelled my other friend would, also☹

My friend who this thread is about, is such a warm-hearted, gregarious extrovert who treats everyone with the same warmth, so her suddenly cooling on me was a shock, I admit! She still greets me 'warmly' when we bump into each other, but that's as far as she'll go. Cancelling last minute doesn't seem something she'd do either, but she's done it enough times now to prove she's not 100% the lovely person she portrays!

I actually wonder if she is one of those types who moves from close friend to close friend, depending on who 'fits' her needs/interests at that time?

Pleasure @Wisteriabloom ;)

I've been on the end of this too and it's not nice. A friend who I made through primary school runs really cooled off when her business started to take off and primary school became a thing of the past. I came to realise that although she still liked me, I had also just served a purpose for her at a particular point in time. I felt used and that I'd been treated like a puppet on a string. Not nice at all....

A friend basically ghosted me a few years ago (there was a minor misunderstanding about tickets to an event I booked for us to go to- she said “these or these” then when I booked one of the ones she said it was too expensive and dropped out.) I made a couple of attempts then left the ball in her court.

I didn’t hear from her for two years, when we bumped into each other had a long chat and arranged to go for dinner. Never heard from her again after the dinner. I have seen her in town to say hi a few times.

Looking back, I was a person who came into her life with the knowledge and skills/experience she needed at a difficult time. With hindsight it was all her either calling me if she needed me for advice or to vent and only me calling to catch up or arrange to meet. Around the time she ghosted me her difficult time resolved.

Sad as it just stop making an effort and move on.

I had a friend do this to me. I met her as a new mum and we were very close for years, despite a 10 year age gap. Kidsplaying together 3-4 times a week while we had coffee, etc. Then her kid started school, and she went back to work, and suddenly if I sent her a text she’d either ignore it or ask why I was texting. Finally I got her to meet up, she spent the whole time reading facebook on her phone and then left after 40 min (much to the children’s distress, who were besties).

I didn’t miss her so much after that, but it was very hard explaining to DD that she could no longer see her bestie because the mum couldn’t be bothered.

I doubt it’s anything you’ve done OP. She was probably just a ‘user’ and has now moved on.

Don’t blame yourself - it’s just a friendship that has run its course. I believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason and sometimes for a season. We won’t always know why but it’s all part of a much bigger picture

This is really hard, but you have to accept it's out of your control. The only thing you can control is your view of it and your emotions around that.