My friend seems to treat me as just an acquaintance now - I'm finding it hurtful!🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

She moved into our village about 10 years ago, we regularly saw each other on school runs/at supernarket etc, and within a year became close friends, meeting for coffee, evenings out and sometimes with husbands & kids altiogether, too!

I suppose I've noticed a change in her the last 3 years or so (before Lockdown, so I know that's not to blame).

She never contacts me unless i do first (unless it's about meeting up within a group), but if say, 3 of us are meeting up and the other one cancels, she'll then find an excuse and cancel too, she doesn't seem willing to meet just me, as we used to.

Seems to be a pattern - we'll bump into each other out, she'll say 'We must meet up - it's been ages, let me know when you're free)!' I text her, a day gets agreed on, only for her to cancel with an hour's notice with a lame excuse☹

We always did cards & presents for birthdays (not just the 2 of us but kids & dh's too), but in the last few years she hasn't even put a birthday card through our door (we live almost opposite each other)! I was confused when she stopped so still did cards for her & family for a time, but she expressed surprise when i handed her a card for her dd earlier this year - she said 'Oh I can't believe you remembered - I feel guilty as didn't do anything for your two this year'! She didn't, and even when I turned 50 at Easter she just put a 'Happy 50th Birthday' message on Facebook, no card through the door even. When she turned 50 the year before I bought a nice card & flowers! Tbh I'm happy to just do cards, not presents for friends/neighbours and I'm not materialistic, but feel she more or less ignored my 'special' birthday which confused me.

Since then I've just messaged on Facebook for her & her dh's birthdays, but it seems as though we're 'just' neighbours now, rather than the friends we were🤔

I bumped into her recently and from what she said it was clear she thought my dh still worked at the place he left 2 years ago!!😲 Yet she did know, when he changed jobs! It's as if she's drawn a line under the close friendship we had, as if it never happened☹ I know i haven't done anything wrong. I may not be extrovert enough for her i suppose. I've always been the quieter of the two - which was never a problem, our differences worked, but maybe she feels she knows me so well and sees me around anyway, she doesn't 'need' to spend actual time with me. She's clearly lost interest in my kids & dh too though, I just feel weird about the whole thing. Anybody else had this?

Dh says 'Oh people move on, it's natural, and you've got other friends'! True, but I miss her🤔

Something very similar happened to me some years ago. It was very hurtful after the support I’d given her over the years. She was also a neighbour.
Unfortunately, I think it’s happening again with a friend I’ve known for 30 years and our two families have been close. This time she’s moved into a new group of friends, people I also know.
It’s hurtful, but you can’t make people be your friend and would you want to? If they can’t sustain some sort of loyalty and see how hurtful they are, then it’s their problem. There are plenty of lovely people out there.

I agree with stop chasing and let it go. You sound nice, you'll find other friends

Either something triggered this which you're unikely to get an answer too, or she's one of those people who makes you feel closer to her than you are. Either way, I would treat her the same way she treats you and move on. I totally understand why you're hurt , but she's not much of a friend and perhaps never was. O truly believe you can count your friends on one hand.

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person"

I always felt this was so reassuring.
It is not personal.
She is a reason/season friend and that is okay.

I would not give this another thought, and start investing in other friendships. Why not hold a dinner or invite your other friends over? Meet up with your old neighbour for coffee. Stop wishing for the friendship to be better than it is. Once you stop chasing, she may make an effort, but I wouldn't hold your breathe. A world of new friends that are willing to make an effort are out there, time for you to distance yourself now, stop looking at her face book, stop messaging and get on have some fun with other friends.

I've got a similar situation but me and my friend have been best friends since we were 11 - were now in our late 40's.

I feel your pain and confusion, it's shit.

Let it go OP.

Looks like the friendship run its course and your more like acquaintances now.

People change,circumstances change.

You introduced her to your neighbours,she found her social circle and now you’re spare to requirements.

Let it go.

I had similar situation and once I was not needed on the scene she blew in my face. Very unpleasant.
Now I wish we’ve just drifted apart and stopped chasing her for coffees and catch ups.
Got better in reading clues since then 🙂

I understand how you feel. My friend has also done this to me. She moved into a different friendship group and slowly dropped me. It started with dropping their names into conversations constantly, then not meeting up with me and telling me all about the socialising she was doing with them instead and kind of rubbing it in. She also started really devaluing me. I haven’t heard from her in a while now. With Christmas coming up I have wondered what to do. We always bought each other’s children presents. I have bought her DC small gifts that my DC could always use and am going to stand back and wait and see if I hear from her. I am not going to hold my breath though as I have hardly heard from her this year.
Friendships do run their course, but it hurts when you feel like you’ve been dropped for no reason or they suddenly favour someone else and exclude you. I think you should step back too. It’s not good for your self-esteem to constantly wonder why she has cooled on you. It’s really hard and really frustrating, but there’s no point chasing someone who is such a bad friend that they could do that to you.

I think this is normal behaviour in many ways? As we move through our lives we have more and less in common with people - she obviously likes you but doesn’t has that much in common with you now. It’s ok just find others to hang out with.

I think you sound really nice and I don't agree with the poster who said you sounded "intense". In fact I think that was a very bitchy thing to say.

To me it just sounds as though for whatever reason this woman has gravitated to others and the friendship you had is no more. It has run its course.

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or even that she did anything wrong. It's not cool that she does the cancelling last minute thing but maybe she over commits? I don't know. I guess she has been pretty clear about her boundaries and all you can do is respect them.

On the flip side, you now have a space for a new friendship which could turn out to be a gift.

Time to move on, OP. For whatever reason she now thinks of you as a friend rather than a close friend. You need to adjust your expectations of the friendship and look for new friends.

I've had 3 friends cut me out and it was painful. One who I was friends with since childhood cut me out when she started seeing her new boyfriend. It was like I didn't exist and never had. Several years later she contacted me and begged my forgiveness and said she wanted her best friend back. I let it go and it was like old times. Then she did it again. Me being the idiot I am just accepted her flakiness and excuses. Then I went on Twitter to message an old friend and there she was complaining about passive smoking on the tram to work and how it wasn't fair on her unborn child. I never put a foot wrong either time so I have no idea why she ditched me. The sad thing is that I really miss her and probably would forgive her a 3rd time.

Sounds like she feels she needed you then, and not now. It must be hurtful, especially as you sound like a lovely thoughtful friend. You can't keep running after though as you say, I think I'd just drop back to FB birthday wishes and the odd Christmas card and leave it at that, but you aren't wrong to be a bit sad and wonder what happened.

Stop trying.
She's made herself very clear.

Tbh I always run a mile from ' warm hearted extroverts'. It's an act, they're never what they seem. 😬

I am a warm hearted extrovert and exactly what I seem thanks moby I love people, more the merrier kind of person, and everyone is welcome. I am sorry you are so cynical - I guess it must have been negative experiences that have made you feel that way

It sounds tricky but also that you will probably just have to accept that it has run its course.

I have a situation where I am friends with my DDs friend's Mum, I thought we were close enough to go to each other about the girls but a recent situation made me think she has very blinkered views of her child and she took something I said to her the wrong way. My other friend in the group took it the way it was intended and wanted to help but I felt it bit let down so I backed off a bit. It felt a bit like for her to like you you have to not challenge her in any way and that she doesn't appreciate that our DC are is important to us as her own. She struggles to believe that her DD is flawed in anyway which is a bit unrealistic. Anyway, is it anything like that?

Totally understand your hurt and sadness. I've had similar experiences where friendships that seemed to be close suddenly change and you're not sure why. It can be really confusing and upsetting

I try to put a lot of energy in to shifting my focus when this happens. Rather than dwell on the person who isn't really there for me anymore, look around for who is there. Send a text to a friend you haven't heard from for a little while. Make a plan to go for a coffee / walk / dinner with a different friend. Reach out somehow and make a connection with someone else. I'm not saying 'oh keep your chin up and get over it' - by all means allow yourself to feel sad and feel the loss. Just try to limit the amount of time you spend dwelling on her - it sounds like it's time to move on, so shift your focus to people who you can rely on

I think you sound really nice and I don't agree with the poster who said you sounded "intense". In fact I think that was a very bitchy thing to say

If people want to be told that they're doing everything exactly right by others who are the same as them @50shadesofCatholic then they shouldn't post in AIBU. The fact is, some people value that intense daily kind of friendship and some people don't, and giving someone a different perspective when posting here is sometimes more useful than tea and sympathy. The neighbour hasn't done anything horrible and if anything seems to be going out of their way to be nice when they do see each other, so pulling back doesn't make them an awful person.

This isn't AIBU. It's chat.

I agree. I don't think she sounded intense. Some people just don't want that level of friendships. Fine, no problem. I do. I did pleasantries easily all the way through primary. Acquaintances. But I crave deep friendships. I have had 5 for the last 20 years and that fulfils me.

I was ghosted by one of my 5 closest friends last month. After 10 years of friendship, her Ds2 is recently trans. The pain was so deep, I sobbed really loudly at least twice.

Do not bother with her again. I've got a decades old friend that did the same thing. When I pulled her up on it she denied all knowledge. But you know when you've missed the milestone birthday of one of your closest friends.

It is upsetting but sod her.

My friend who this thread is about, is such a warm-hearted, gregarious extrovert who treats everyone with the same warmth

This type are the worst for this sort of treatment in my experience! I’ve had this twice from exactly the sort of person you describe. I don’t know if it’s because they find it so easy to make new friends or if it’s something a bit more complicated than that.

Thank you all😘 And thanks to the poster who backed me up on the 'intense' comment. You're right, I'm not intense at all, (if anything I'm too easygoing)! We never had 'daily' contact, I never felt I needed it. Other than bumping into each other about once a week (which we still do), we used to meet up (coffee at each other's houses/drinks/meal out/cinema) - any one of these, about once a month. And the birthday thing - we didn't do anything big, but always acknowledged (outside of Social Media) each other's birthdays, plus our kids & dh's. This has been for years, so you can imagine my bafflement when she reacted with surprise (and almost I felt irritation) when I gave her daughter a card. It would be more surprising if I HADN'T remembered after all this time, surely? But anyway I've not done it since, since she's stopped🤔

The cancelling meet-ups I find disrespectful, especially when I've rushed from work/got changed/got some nice snacks in specially, and guess what?! Suddenly it's not happening☹

Anyway, I need to move on, obviously. She certainly has! I'll focus on other friendships. It helps to know I'm not alone though, many of you have experienced similar. x

I have a three strikes and out policy with friends. If they cancel three times in a row or I have to instigate three times in a row then I leave making all contact. It’s a good way of finding out who your friends are.

@CrimbleCrumble1 I do the 'three strikes' thing too!