My friend seems to treat me as just an acquaintance now - I'm finding it hurtful!🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

She moved into our village about 10 years ago, we regularly saw each other on school runs/at supernarket etc, and within a year became close friends, meeting for coffee, evenings out and sometimes with husbands & kids altiogether, too!

I suppose I've noticed a change in her the last 3 years or so (before Lockdown, so I know that's not to blame).

She never contacts me unless i do first (unless it's about meeting up within a group), but if say, 3 of us are meeting up and the other one cancels, she'll then find an excuse and cancel too, she doesn't seem willing to meet just me, as we used to.

Seems to be a pattern - we'll bump into each other out, she'll say 'We must meet up - it's been ages, let me know when you're free)!' I text her, a day gets agreed on, only for her to cancel with an hour's notice with a lame excuse☹

We always did cards & presents for birthdays (not just the 2 of us but kids & dh's too), but in the last few years she hasn't even put a birthday card through our door (we live almost opposite each other)! I was confused when she stopped so still did cards for her & family for a time, but she expressed surprise when i handed her a card for her dd earlier this year - she said 'Oh I can't believe you remembered - I feel guilty as didn't do anything for your two this year'! She didn't, and even when I turned 50 at Easter she just put a 'Happy 50th Birthday' message on Facebook, no card through the door even. When she turned 50 the year before I bought a nice card & flowers! Tbh I'm happy to just do cards, not presents for friends/neighbours and I'm not materialistic, but feel she more or less ignored my 'special' birthday which confused me.

Since then I've just messaged on Facebook for her & her dh's birthdays, but it seems as though we're 'just' neighbours now, rather than the friends we were🤔

I bumped into her recently and from what she said it was clear she thought my dh still worked at the place he left 2 years ago!!😲 Yet she did know, when he changed jobs! It's as if she's drawn a line under the close friendship we had, as if it never happened☹ I know i haven't done anything wrong. I may not be extrovert enough for her i suppose. I've always been the quieter of the two - which was never a problem, our differences worked, but maybe she feels she knows me so well and sees me around anyway, she doesn't 'need' to spend actual time with me. She's clearly lost interest in my kids & dh too though, I just feel weird about the whole thing. Anybody else had this?

Dh says 'Oh people move on, it's natural, and you've got other friends'! True, but I miss her🤔

I'd be interested to know why extroverts are sometimes like this. I suspect, from watching my son (with an introvert's stealth, obvs) they have just got used to being where the party is and unaware that some people think of specific parties and must take the trouble to make them. It's not that they don't value people, they just see humanity as more of a nebulous, interconnected mass that they can tap into whenever they like, and the idea of working at a friendship doesn't occur or appeal.

@Wisteriabloom the thing that helped me was that instead of constantly making excuses for my friend ('oh she's so busy') was realising that she was quite happily making plans with people she wanted to see and would happily prioritise. It still hurt but I kept reminding myself that I shouldn't make an effort with someone who made no effort with me....

@BoPeeple

Looking at it from her point of view, it can be hard to end a friendship if you’re not feeling it any more. I am trying to do this with a friend at the moment whose company I no longer enjoy as she’s become very negative and critical. I can’t officially dump her, so I’m trying to just phase it out (although I’m not being a dick and cancelling on her at the last minute.)

With a romantic relationship you officially ‘break up’ with someone, but with a friendship it is trickier. I feel like that’s what your friend wants to do though, so if I were you I would graciously take the hint and move on. I know it’s sad and you will grieve her, but it sounds like it’s run it’s course.

I am in this situation too. My friend is very intense and always wants to know what l am doing and gets really weird if l can't see her one week, especially if she knows l have met up with other friends. I find it so bizarre l am trying to edge backwards a bit. It is a shame because l like her but she suffocates me.

I can see it from both sides. Different people have different unwritten friendship rules. Some people really don't notice when it's mostly them or the other person doing the running. Then some people would find that an unequal friendship and are very focused on 'taking turns'. But it's unsettling when a friend changes towards you.
As pps said, it's understandable to feel sad, OP but if you can it's best to detach. She may change again towards you, or she may not, but by that time you will have moved on and will likely have found other friendships.

BoPeeple
Looking at it from her point of view, it can be hard to end a friendship if you’re not feeling it any more. I am trying to do this with a friend at the moment whose company I no longer enjoy as she’s become very negative and critical. I can’t officially dump her, so I’m trying to just phase it out (although I’m not being a dick and cancelling on her at the last minute.)

With a romantic relationship you officially ‘break up’ with someone, but with a friendship it is trickier. I feel like that’s what your friend wants to do though, so if I were you I would graciously take the hint and move on. I know it’s sad and you will grieve her, but it sounds like it’s run it’s course.

Interesting post.

I am not convinced that the friend in the OP's scenario consciously wanted to break up or found her in some way unpalatable, more that she'd moved on to newer, possibly more exciting friends or ones with a closer interest base currently.

However, it really can be difficult to move on from friends when it has become uncomfortable. I have tried doing exactly this just in the past month. I feel the friendship has run its course, I no longer enjoy her company. I tried being clear saying thank you for messages and invitations but no thank you. She won't take no for an answer. Spurts of incessant calls and messages feigning concern. I ignore them now.

I would rather not ignore messages but some people are very self absorbed and thick skinned.

I do not think the OP sounds like this though.

Some interesting, helpful responses here👍

Alltheblue - I think you're right about (some) types of extroverts. They see the term 'socialising' as a maze of choices, and don't always think twice about cancelling if they've had a betrer offer, or 'can't be bothered today but I'm sure she won't mind, we'll catch up another time!' Not taking into account that the friend you're cancelling on (me!) may have already juggled her day to fit you in, gone shopping specially for nice food/drink if you're coming round, made a booking (ie restaurant), that will be awkward to cancel this short notice, or only have invited a few people, and if you're not the only one to cancel it makes the evening embarrassing - you feel like Billy No Mates!

Being a bit more introverted, I've always had a small circle of close friends rather than a huge group, and if I say I'll be somewhere/do something I'll stick to it (barring illness of course).

Some people these days don't seem to gove these issues a moment's thought, and it can be hurtful.

Thank you 50 Shades - Self-absorbed and thick-skinned us definitely something I'm not!! x

@Wisteriabloom

Some interesting, helpful responses here👍

Alltheblue - I think you're right about (some) types of extroverts. They see the term 'socialising' as a maze of choices, and don't always think twice about cancelling if they've had a betrer offer, or 'can't be bothered today but I'm sure she won't mind, we'll catch up another time!' Not taking into account that the friend you're cancelling on (me!) may have already juggled her day to fit you in, gone shopping specially for nice food/drink if you're coming round, made a booking (ie restaurant), that will be awkward to cancel this short notice, or only have invited a few people, and if you're not the only one to cancel it makes the evening embarrassing - you feel like Billy No Mates!

Being a bit more introverted, I've always had a small circle of close friends rather than a huge group, and if I say I'll be somewhere/do something I'll stick to it (barring illness of course).

Some people these days don't seem to gove these issues a moment's thought, and it can be hurtful.

Thank you 50 Shades - Self-absorbed and thick-skinned us definitely something I'm not!! x

Absolutely this.

People have lots of different emotional cups that need filling with friendship - friend X fills the fun & gossip cups, friend Y fills the emotional support & bonding cups, etc. Sometimes there's a long period where you need one type of friend over the other, and that's OK.

I think this is quite astute.

I think we all have different ideas about friendships that there's bound to be a clash now and then.

I know what you mean about some extroverts. They have a nack for making you believe they like you etc. We have someone in our friendship group like that. She's brilliant at bringing people together, but her relationships are mostly surface level. She's not one for a crisis but that's fine because she's a good time pal.

I got dumped by a long term friend a few years ago. In fact she dumped our little group who had known each other for years all at the same time. It was hurtful , but what worked was to just see it for what it was. Friendships rarely last forever.

It's really difficult to say SS there could be an array of things going on. These are possibilities I can think of from my own experience

• some friends are simply there when it suits them and then they back away / make less effort when they have other things going on

• friend could have stepped away because you annoyed her or she realised she dies t enjoy spending time with you eg a friend who doesn't pay their way, doesn't stick to plans or you are often negative or talking about things that don't interest her

• she might have been more involved with you to start with out of politeness or did you initiate meet ups and gift giving etc or did you become too intense?

• she could have things going on in her own life that have made her less sociable

These are just guesses obviously!

There may be loads of reasons (competition? you doing better than her / her doing better than you? Same with kids etc) - but not much point speculating because she isn’t going to tell you and despite Covid after 3 years (and arguably living opposite in lockdown you could have become closer) you need to take the hint. I don’t know anyone who has experienced anyone verbalising that they are withdrawing from or shifting gears in the friendship - it’s all in the implicit behaviours - although cancelling on you is shit - it shouldn’t have happened multiple times because you shouldn’t have committed multiple times after being treated so badly.

Acknowledging that it hurts, that isn’t left you discombobulated and confused but that there will be no answers and no reversal will be a sensible approach. Then as PP said proactively look around and fill the gap she has left with other more fulfilling friendships.

We all have finite time and can’t accommodate every new friend that we meet if we hold on to all previous friendships with equal intensity. I agree with the reason or season quote - it’s just painful when the season is a decade.

It seems that there is more to the other friend /neighbour thing though.

I would guess either you unintentionally offended her and she opted to withdraw or whatever she was getting from your friendship ie kids playing together she no longer needs.
Options are talk to her try to get answers or accept the new situation.
I've been in a similar situation and felt hurt it's not nice when a friendship ends.

@Kite22

People have lots of different emotional cups that need filling with friendship - friend X fills the fun & gossip cups, friend Y fills the emotional support & bonding cups, etc. Sometimes there's a long period where you need one type of friend over the other, and that's OK.

I think this is quite astute.

100%

I am frontline public service worker (mental health) and find myself really just wanting to be with my other frontline service friends at the moment and I have never felt like that before in my life.

And my frontline service friends are teachers and nurses so don't remotely do the same job, but they understand the pressures.

I didn't realise I felt like this until I read this. It makes me want to seek out my other friends more, so thank you.

Hello, just replying to some of your responses ...

I didn't become too intense, I've never been one to message daily, expect to see someone same day each week, or anything like that! I so remember that she actually initiated our friendship, after another chat outside our local shop one day, she suggested going for a coffee the following week, and it went from there! The birthday present exchanging - I can't actually remember who started it, we just became close and this included our families too!

There's no rivalry with the kids, although they all went to the same school for a while there's a few years difference between mine & hers, so although they 'know' each other, they've always had different friendship groups.

I guess I'll never know! Could be that she prefers big groups now, or I'm too quiet for her, but it seems harsh of her to drop me just for this, after all these years!

I don’t think it’s you, it’s just one of those things that happens sometimes. I’ve had it with friends who I still really like them and we seem to get on very well if we bump into each other but they’re not interested in getting together. I’ve had it happen a few times. Once it was when my friend’s DC started school and she got new school mum friends, I must have been a toddler mum friend. Another time a good friend got a dog and started hanging out with other people who had dogs and they all went on walks together. Another time I have no idea why it happened.
Honestly try not to give it any thought and certainly don’t try and instigate a get together.

It’s a bit like a cabinet reshuffle - everyone’s lives evolve and we embrace new chapters with different challenges, opportunities and needs. Seems like yours are slightly misaligned with the age gap with kids?

Have you existing friends, acquaintances, hobbies that you can develop so that this void doesn’t feel so harsh. Also look at why you are only noticing this now after 3 years - so you think you held out for too long?

Sometimes friendships just run their course for whatever reason.

I have a friend who I have known 20 years. We have been very close at times for several years and not so close at other times. We have been close for the last 4 years but I have found things about her that I previously ignored now drive me mad and I just don't like them. She talks about money constantly and makes out she has to be very careful- it absolutely is not true (will suddenly announce she is off to Norway, Croatia, New York for X days holiday) and I have realised I often pay for her when we are somewhere less cheap and then she buys a cup of coffee when it's her turn. So we had lunch at an Italian place on a Saturday morning at a local market. I paid the bill- about £45- and the next time we met and had a coffee-just that- she said 'My turn' - £5.

She also moans on about work all the time and it's so boring.

I have been distancing myself from her; am busy if she suggests something.

I feel a bit sad about it in some ways but she takes advantage of me and I don't feel like being good friends any more. I have started some new activities and am enjoying them more. I know we'll speak and be fine but we are in different places than we were even a year ago.

ESG - Yes I do have other friends, plus my work, hobbies etc, so she wasn't my only outlet, I just need to stop feeling sad about it!

I'd noticed a gradual waning of interest over the last 3 years or so, I haven't just noticed now. I think 3 things in the last few months have brought it home to me though -

My ds turned 18 earlier this year, close to me turning 50. I admit it crossed my mind whether or not she'd acknowledge either, or both occasions. She didn't really though, just clicked 'Like' on someone else's Congratulations message to him, and just wished me a happy 50th Birthday on my Facebook wall.

The other thing was her not even seeming to remember my dh changed jobs 2 years ago! She definitely knew at the time, I remember us talking about it as her dh has friends at the company my dh is now at!
It was a realisation that she's not so much deliberately avoiding/not contacting us - she's not actually thinking about us at all! Just seems so 'clinical' after all our years of friendship🤔

I need to come to terms with it though, no other choice really!

@Wisteriabloom

ESG - Yes I do have other friends, plus my work, hobbies etc, so she wasn't my only outlet, I just need to stop feeling sad about it!

I'd noticed a gradual waning of interest over the last 3 years or so, I haven't just noticed now. I think 3 things in the last few months have brought it home to me though -

My ds turned 18 earlier this year, close to me turning 50. I admit it crossed my mind whether or not she'd acknowledge either, or both occasions. She didn't really though, just clicked 'Like' on someone else's Congratulations message to him, and just wished me a happy 50th Birthday on my Facebook wall.

The other thing was her not even seeming to remember my dh changed jobs 2 years ago! She definitely knew at the time, I remember us talking about it as her dh has friends at the company my dh is now at!
It was a realisation that she's not so much deliberately avoiding/not contacting us - she's not actually thinking about us at all! Just seems so 'clinical' after all our years of friendship🤔

I need to come to terms with it though, no other choice really!

It definitely sounds as though she is one of those that puts her all into a friendship when it suits her, then effectively cuts that person out of her life and starts giving her all to another friendship that suits her needs at that time.

You sound like a lovely person, OP, and I'm sure lots of people would love to have you as a friend. It is her loss, and you deserve better!

I think you sound like a lovely person and a good friend.

People treat friendships differently. Some treat them as a passing phase, others are steadfastly loyal. Perhaps she's in the former camp.

Thank you for your lovely comments, yes I do think of myself as a loyal friend, maybe too loyal at times!

Lulu - What a way to treat you!😲 She doesn't sound a good friend at all! 🤔 x

You sound lovely and she sounds flakey friend to cancel last minute or if the other friend didn't come. You don't need a friend like that. Try not to give her the head space anymore she has lost out on a loyal friend.

Who knows what her reasons are op. I suppose in the end her reasons don’t matter. For whatever reason she isn’t as invested in the relationship as you. You can only move on and focus your energy into the positive people in your life.

I’ve had to do this with an intense friend. I feel awful! She would get weird if I met with others and comment on it. I felt suffocated. We were also nursery Mum friends but I feel like it’s run it’s course.

Probably you just have a personality clash and different ideas of what your friendship was. Not that she’s stopped liking you.

Friendships are to be enjoyed from both sides and if someone isn’t enjoying it I think it’s ok to politely pull back.