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Original poster

DD says she like girls

97 replies

Icantremembermyusername · 03/12/2021 20:47

DD (10) and I have our deep and meaningful conversations in the car. She feels it's less intense than face to face and if needed, we change direction and find a Costa, or similar, if we need further discussion. She'd rather have what she sees as an awkward conversation not at home. Her dad, my ex, is the same. Hope that makes sense!
Last night on the way home from school she said she had something to ask me and she didn't feel comfortable saying it or writing it down. We played 20 questions and it turns out she thinks she's a lesbian.
I pulled over and gave her a hug, told her I love her whatever her preference. And that I will welcome what ever friends or partners she has but that 10 is a teeny bit early to make a decision.

They are learning this stuff in school, which is fab but I think they should remind children that tastes can change.
I really don't have an issue with LGBTQ+ but I hate that my kiddie feels like she has to make a choice.

OP posts:
ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow · 03/12/2021 20:56

You sound like you have a lovely relationship. My daughter is a few years down the same path. Just let her be and explore, as long as she feels safe to be true to herself you are doing the best thing.

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2021 20:56

but I think they should remind children that tastes can change.

And they definitely haven't told them this?

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2021 20:58

You sound lovely but sexuality is not a “taste”. It is what is is so please listen, acknowledge and understand.

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Flakeymcwakey · 03/12/2021 20:59

Maybe she isn't thinking if it as choosing the way that you are. Maybe she's just telling you how she feels right now? You don't need to hold her to it and she doesn't need to stick with it. I'd stay breezy on the rest of life aspect while thanking her for sharing and continuing with the positive reinforcement that you already did.

VanCleefArpels · 03/12/2021 21:00

Please don’t use the word “preference”. It implies a choice. Gay people don’t choose who they fancy, they just know who they fancy (if that makes sense). Otherwise you’ve done a great job in being understanding. And I don’t think 10 is early. Did you have crushes when you were 10?

lastqueenofscotland · 03/12/2021 21:05

I wouldn’t say 10 is early. My cousin “came out” at 11. It couldn’t have been less surprising!

santasmuma · 03/12/2021 21:07

I think you did great up until you said 10 is a bit early to make a decision. This isn't a decision. It's who she is. What she feels. You need to show her that you understand and I think by saying it's too early to decide you have actually minimised her feelings. I'm sorry if that sounds critical, i actually don't mean to be but I think it's important information all the same.

TedMullins · 03/12/2021 21:07

Sexuality isn’t a choice. When you know, you just know. Would you react the same way if she said she was straight?

ThePlantsitter · 03/12/2021 21:09

I do think there's enormous pressure to identify as something these days. I suppose it's better than having to identify as something other than you feel though. It'll balance out eventually and when kids start to get proper sexual feelings it'll come out in the wash anyway right (wherever those sexual feelings may be directed)

Peachgreen · 03/12/2021 21:11

Nobody's making a choice. Nor is it about "tastes". We don't question it when children decide they're straight at 10. Why should we question it when they decide they're not?

For the record, I knew I was bi at 10. I didn't know what the name for it was, but I knew it.

WillThisUsernameDo · 03/12/2021 21:12

So many kids these days feel they need to announce that they are gay/ bi/ trans/ non binary aged 10/11. I have no idea what or how sex education is being taught in schools or whether it’s from TikTok or whatever but I wish they was more emphasis on what a small part of you your sexuality is. Kids seem to be basing their entire personalities on what they feel a typical gay/ whatever person is.

Blackopal · 03/12/2021 21:21

My DD has also told me this. In her case she has said it for a few years and I will not be surprised if this does not change, all good.

On the other hand, in her friendship group of around around 8 children only one says they are straight. All the others have proclaimed themselves as bi/gay and one trans child.
Of course, it is possible that all of these ten year olds are simply aware of their authentic selves. But it's also possible that they have cottoned on that there is some kudos that comes with not being 'average'.

VanCleefArpels · 03/12/2021 21:21

I don’t agree that it’s a pressure to “identify” as something. I see it as children feeling comfortable with saying who they are, an entirely different thing and a positive notion. If your child at 10 is having a conversation with you about this see it as an affirmation of your relationship. So many generations of kids did not have that kind of relationship with their parents and lived in a society where these things were not accepted. Thank god we have moved on

ThePlantsitter · 03/12/2021 21:25

My kid couldn't get to sleep the other night for worrying about this very topic and the need to 'decide' @VanCleefArpels so I respectfully disagree. However she is a worrier by nature and I do think it's the beginnings of a culture you describe.

VanCleefArpels · 03/12/2021 21:30

@ThePlantsitter then in your situation I’d be telling my child it’s not something you “decide” it’s something you feel and that if they are not sure right now then they really will be later when they are ready! The language of decision and preference really is not appropriate in this context

candycane222 · 03/12/2021 21:34

hmmm - I predominantly 'liked' women in my early teens - sexually that is. Then in mid teens, started desiring androgynous men, then - just men.

So without it being a taste, preference or choice, I do think children's predominant sexuality can evolve.

ThePlantsitter · 03/12/2021 21:34

Yeah I don't need your advice to talk to my daughter thank you. I was simply saying that the pressure exists in children's lives - whether their terminology is correct or not - and showing you how it does.

santasmuma · 03/12/2021 21:42

So without it being a taste, preference or choice, I do think children's predominant sexuality can evolve.

Of course it can, not when speaking to a child to would be very dismissive of what they are feeling now to suggest this. It's not difficult to tell your child it's ok and that you support them without adding the bit about how things changing over time. All that does with a young person is tell them you are not taking them seriously.

santasmuma · 03/12/2021 21:42

But when speaking

LizzieSiddal · 03/12/2021 21:48

I think you handled it just right Op.

Some 10 year olds may know without a shadow of a doubt who they “ like”, many will not. She may still be at that phase of thinking all boys are “smelly/annoying” etc and have many friends who are girls who she “really likes” and therefore be confusing that with being a lesbian.

Making a 10 year old decide their sexuality is unnecessary IMO.

Whatinthelord · 03/12/2021 21:49

Wow what a fab relationship you have with your DD and great you have your own unique special talking place. I think the fact she has felt comfortable to share this with you is amazing.

I agree with others about not liking the term preference or taste in respect to sexuality. However I think your right that you don’t want her to feel she has to make a choice or decide anything.

I’d just focus on showing that you’ll love her regardless of whoever she has in her life or what sexuality she is.

Whatinthelord · 03/12/2021 21:50

I do have today I feel like I knew I fancied boys when I was 10. I knew I wasn’t attracted to females….though this was obviously only an immature kind of attraction.

Pipsandseeds · 03/12/2021 21:53

Tbh I think it’s fine to tell her that her preferences may change so that she knows she can backtrack if she needs to/not feel confused when her feelings are unclear/ understand that sexuality can evolve. To all those saying sexuality is not a choice, actually that is contested. I think we don’t fully understand the origins of sexual preference and to what extent it is innate. It is certainly possible to ‘choose’ to only have gay relationships as the political lesbians of the 1970s did.

MsAnnFrope · 03/12/2021 21:55

If you agree 10 year olds can know they are attracted (at an immature level) to the opposite then why not to the same sex.
Although I also think who you are attracted to can change or certainly be fluid, it’s a big step for her to tell you she is attracted to girls and it’s important not to belittle that.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 03/12/2021 21:58

I understand what you mean by saying it's early to "decide", although I think the terminology could be better. Older children and teenagers often question/change their sexuality as they grow up. That doesn't mean that they all "choose" what they want to be! It just means they are still working out who they are and it might change as they get older and more of an understanding of relationships etc. Or it might not!
It sounds like you have a lovely open relationship with your DD!