DD says she like girls

[Icantremembermyusername]

DD (10) and I have our deep and meaningful conversations in the car. She feels it's less intense than face to face and if needed, we change direction and find a Costa, or similar, if we need further discussion. She'd rather have what she sees as an awkward conversation not at home. Her dad, my ex, is the same. Hope that makes sense!
Last night on the way home from school she said she had something to ask me and she didn't feel comfortable saying it or writing it down. We played 20 questions and it turns out she thinks she's a lesbian.
I pulled over and gave her a hug, told her I love her whatever her preference. And that I will welcome what ever friends or partners she has but that 10 is a teeny bit early to make a decision.

They are learning this stuff in school, which is fab but I think they should remind children that tastes can change.
I really don't have an issue with LGBTQ+ but I hate that my kiddie feels like she has to make a choice.

Gay person here

I agree at 10 it’s more about lines of communication than taking every utterance as gospel. Chats in the car over takeaway coffee sound awesome tbh and I wish my mum had done things like that when I was wrestling with it all.

I did know I was gay when I was eight, though. I didn’t know the word for it, and it wasn’t sexual at that stage. But I definitely, 100% knew. It was a very lonely and scary time. (I grew up in very different times; gay witch-hunts in The Sun, Section 28 etc.)

Don’t say the ‘it may change over time’ thing, even if you think it, even if it’s true. It’s the new version of ‘it’s a phase’ or ‘have you tried liking [the opposite sex]?’ and it actually belittles them, tells them you think they don’t know their own minds.

I think what you said was right!
My 10 yo DD is nether straight nor gay! She’s a child. Her “preferences” are ballet, haribo, and Harry Potter. If asked she’d probably say girls were prettier and nicer. Because she’s at an all girls school, doesn’t know any boys and thinks they are gross. I don’t think this is called being a lesbian. If some teacher can along and said if you like girls better than boys you could be a lesbian, I’m sure we’d be having he same conversation as you and your DD.

You are right, it's not something she 'decides', it's entirely out of her hands! It's not a decision to be made but something to come to understand.

You handled in well but as others have said, it's not a choice or a taste.

I definitely knew at 10. As did my straight friends. I just then took nearly 10 years to accept myself.

I think you did well OP.

I had many girl crushes when I was growing up, it was because I admired them, wanted to be around them, wanted to be them. I even had a few girl kisses in my early teens. Didn't mean I was gay.

I can see this subject being very confusing to children so its best we dont jump to conclusions that they are gay immediately.

'Ok dear' should be a stock answer at this age.

Thanks for all your positive responses! Sorry if my terminology wasn't correct, it wasn't a conversation I was expecting to have just yet!

[quote VanCleefArpels]@KathyWilliams the coming out was the least surprising event for us - we have quite a piss taking humour in our family unit and so when the words “I’m gay” came out DH said “ya think?” and we all had a bit of a giggle. I’m sure they were a bit miffed that this big moment really wasn’t that at all 😂[/quote]
PMSL. That sounds like my family. My mum said similar when a family friend finally came out. He'd been living with his partner for several years by then and was very camp.

What @NightmareSlashDelightful said:

Don’t say the ‘it may change over time’ thing, even if you think it, even if it’s true. It’s the new version of ‘it’s a phase’ or ‘have you tried liking [the opposite sex]?’ and it actually belittles them, tells them you think they don’t know their own minds.

My DD is 13, and I know several of her friends have felt very hurt and undermined by this part of their parents' response. I'm not convinced that a 10 year old telling parents they had a crush on the opposite sex would usually get a reminder that sexuality can evolve!

@BabycakesMatlala exactly! A 10 year old saying I’ve got a crush on (someone of the opposite sex) would be greeted with an “Awww bless!” Not an examination of the spectrum of sexuality

I want to be clear that I agree that young people may understand their feelings and sexuality from a young age and it's important they are allowed to identify their own feelings. But when a 12 year old tells you they think they are asexual as my friend's DD did recently I think it's fine to talk about feelings changing/developing. Child sexuality is not adult sexuality, which does change and evolve and then change again, throughout life really. I think it's empowering for girls especially to know that is their feelings that count and not a set in stone over-simplified identity.

How many 10-year-old girls do you know who like boys? (They won't be old enough to like them in the physically attracted way yet anyhow).

From what I remember when I was that age, we all thought they were repulsive creatures. So no wonder girls as young as 10 are getting confused when they are being taught this stuff.

My dd was around the same age when she realised she liked girls as well as boys. Although she didn’t come to me directly I had an inkling through messages I’d seen (before anyone jumps on me we had a good reason to monitor her phone) but I didn’t approach it with her as she needed to come to me if and when she chose to.

I was worried that she was just going along with her peers as it seemed to be a thing that it was “cool to be gay or lesbian etc” without actually being any of those things.

It actually took her a long time to be able to approach me. She went off the rails as a young teen due to her confusion and she was having a hard time processing the information. She only really fully accepted it when she was 16. Although she still showed a preference to males and had a few boyfriends the female attraction was always there.

She was also worried that her dad wouldn’t accept the fact that she was bi. So this was contributing massively to her angst.

She’s 18 now and in a proper female relationship and it’s the happiest I’ve seen her.

So it’s entirely possible a 10 year old knows that they are gay/lesbian/ bi, but their feelings should never be dismissed or minimised at the time.

I just wish my dd had spoken to me all those years ago and maybe her early teen years wouldn’t have been so awful!

I knew I was straight at 10, why can't someone know they are gay at 10?

Don’t say the ‘it may change over time’ thing, even if you think it, even if it’s true. It’s the new version of ‘it’s a phase’ or ‘have you tried liking [the opposite sex]?’ and it actually belittles them, tells them you think they don’t know their own minds.

It’s also belittling to children not to tell them something that’s true.

Saying “your sexuality is great, and remember sexuality can change over time too” is just not the same as homophobic people saying “it’s a phase”.

It’s important to let children know that “identity” and sexuality isn’t a straightjacket you zip yourself into age 10 or 11. I see really young girls on Tumblr agonising about which label “really” fits them - lesbian asexual pansexual trans demi transmasc nonbinary etc., and trying to find which matches their “real” self. But no-one has an innate unchanging self that they fix on as a preteen and must be true to. People evolve and change and it’s just as authoritarian to tell children you always know your sexuality at ten as to tell them you don’t know it at all.

(And this current idea that “LGBT+” identity is necessarily fixed and unchanging early on or from birth, also helps perpetrate the notion that gender identity is a kind of innate unchanging essence, and must eg. be “fixed” by surgery and hormones.

Like it or not, there is a current obsession amongst particularly girl preteens and teenagers about “fixing” their “identity”, which is not always productive, and may also mean that they struggle to admit later on that they might have got it wrong, and eg. rather than being trans they might just be gay, or rather than being nonbinary or asexual they might just have been children who don’t feel that cultural stereotypes of gender or sexuality apply to them.

The discourse around identity has really changed since we were young. It’s important to recognise that and allow children they own space to grow into - or in fact evolve - their sexuality and sense of self in a way that is unconditionally accepting and isn’t judgmental, but also isn’t too keen to seize on adult boxes and labels and wedge children into them.)

*their not they !

I dont understand why so many people think that a kid or young person saying they think theyre gay is like signing a contract to be gay forever. Literally noone is asking that of anybody. Its a sexual or romantic orientation. Of course it might change or be fluid over time, but equally likely to be a firm preference for life. Its hardly uncommon, and theres nothing harmful or lifechanging about being gay.
If a 10 year old, which is year 6 usually - the time that LOADS of kids start being interested in the concept of having boyfriends and girlfriends

I think you handled it perfectly.

I know there are some responses to the actual words used, eg preference, but hopefully what your daughter got from this conversation is that if she's a lesbian then all good (and as a lesbian myself I'd say congratulations), but no need to nail her flag to the mast as this age.

The goddess only knows what puberty will bring. Fingers crossed she remains a lezzer but no hard feelings if not.

@VanCleefArpels

Please don’t use the word “preference”. It implies a choice. Gay people don’t choose who they fancy, they just know who they fancy (if that makes sense). Otherwise you’ve done a great job in being understanding. And I don’t think 10 is early. Did you have crushes when you were 10?

No it doesn't. I prefer chocolate over crisps, that's not a choice, I couldn't suddenly choose to prefer crisps.

So there really wasn't a need for this little rant, was there.

Is she a bit lonely at school? Does she have many friends?is she a worrier? I often found kids at school who were having a bit of a shit time suddenly said they were gay. Also some girls feel very daunted and scared when they start learning about penetrative sex so start thinking their adversity to that means they’re a lesbian. When I learnt about it I thought it was disgusting! I mean she might be a lesbian in the future but it does seem very early for any sort of sexual or romantic impulses either way tbh.
I’d definitely be saying that she shouldn’t feel any need to decide yet and encourage her not to think too deeply about it

Yeah I agree with branleuse, of course a 10 year old is going to change in their tastes interests and personality over time. But it would be dismissive to make that your response when they tell you something that's important to them. I certainly wouldn't have told any of my kids at 10 that their sexuality could change as they get older if they'd told me about a crush on the opposite sex so why would I do it because they think they might be gay?

I also don't recognise this sweeping generalisation that ALL teenagers are being pressured to label themselves as something under the lgbtq umbrella. Maybe that's true for some teens but really not all. My eldest appears to be in the minority being straight in her group but has never been pressured in any way. In fact 'gay' is still slung around like an insult there and I know of gay kids who've been bullied because of it. My other 2 kids are very much in the majority being straight in their friendship groups.

It is not a sweeping generalisation that all teens are being pressured to choose. Pressure exists for and between pre-teens. Of course my experience is anecdotal as is yours. Once actual feelings start dictating things presumably this won't matter but I'm my circle it is causing anxiety. I don't think there is anything homophobic about telling your kids they don't have to decide if they are worried about it because they don't know.

@LindaEllen my gay child and their gay friends would “rant” at you in the same manner. Would that be better? You prefer crisps but you would tolerate chocolate if presented to you, no? That’s not how it works for gay people. Hope that helps (in a non ranty way)

[quote VanCleefArpels]@LindaEllen my gay child and their gay friends would “rant” at you in the same manner. Would that be better? You prefer crisps but you would tolerate chocolate if presented to you, no? That’s not how it works for gay people. Hope that helps (in a non ranty way)[/quote]
We all know what sexual preference means though and its a normal and common term to describe an orientation. You and your gay kid may feel strongly about this turn of phrase but me and my gay kid wouldnt

What if it isn’t that current 10 year olds are under pressure to decide but rather than they actually feel safe to tell their families when they realise instead of waiting several lonely teenage years and keeping secrets?

@CherryRedDMs that’s exactly how I feel