DD says she like girls

[Icantremembermyusername]

DD (10) and I have our deep and meaningful conversations in the car. She feels it's less intense than face to face and if needed, we change direction and find a Costa, or similar, if we need further discussion. She'd rather have what she sees as an awkward conversation not at home. Her dad, my ex, is the same. Hope that makes sense!
Last night on the way home from school she said she had something to ask me and she didn't feel comfortable saying it or writing it down. We played 20 questions and it turns out she thinks she's a lesbian.
I pulled over and gave her a hug, told her I love her whatever her preference. And that I will welcome what ever friends or partners she has but that 10 is a teeny bit early to make a decision.

They are learning this stuff in school, which is fab but I think they should remind children that tastes can change.
I really don't have an issue with LGBTQ+ but I hate that my kiddie feels like she has to make a choice.

I was mad about an older girl at school. I told my mum. She said she had been crazy about a girl at school too at the same age (14). She then fell madly in love with the boy next door and was very happily married. I fell in love with a boy at 17 and never fancied a girl again. It can be very fluid at that age and doesn't necessarily mean that your DD is gay. I doesn't matter anyway, but labelling too soon is a mistake.

It’s funny that no one says this kind of stuff to teenagers or kids when they tell people they’re straight or have opposite sex crushes. I was telling people I was straight my whole life until I came out in my early twenties and I never once heard “But how do you know?” “Are you sure?” “That may change over time” “You’re too young to decide yet”. It’s only when I started telling people I thought I was gay that I suddenly heard all these stories of people who had a huge crush on a girl one time or enjoyed lots of same sex kisses, but they’re definitely 100% heterosexual now.

It’s almost like people don’t want to believe that it’s true

OP, did you know you were straight at 10? (Assuming you are, forgive me if not.)

If so, there you go.

@VanCleefArpels

Please don’t use the word “preference”. It implies a choice. Gay people don’t choose who they fancy, they just know who they fancy (if that makes sense). Otherwise you’ve done a great job in being understanding. And I don’t think 10 is early. Did you have crushes when you were 10?

Yes this.

I think a lot of kids know at 10 too.

By implying she may change her mind does make it sound that it's not 100% accepted. IYSWIM.

@Icantremembermyusername

My DD was 11 and in year 6 when she told us she felt the way about girls that girls normally feel about boys.I thought that was a mature and concise way of putting it.We told her we loved her and wether she liked boys or girls or even both was up to her and it didn't matter to us as long as she's happy.

Literally the only thing on the slightly negative end of the scale we said was she shouldn't make it public at school just yet as we felt that was a lot of children in primary school who lacked the maturity and understanding to handle information like that.

She was came out in year 8 however she would have preferred to have outed her herself publicly when she felt ready and not because a friend betrayed her.

Do people think kids can know they are bisexual at ten, or doesn’t that count as a “real” sexuality? Are ten years olds supposed to gave an understanding of the complexities of adult bisexuality?

Pretending everyone’s sexuality is fixed very early in life, is also very convenient for those people who want to think you’re either gay or straight and nothing falls in between. It keeps all the categories really tidy and lets everyone fit nicely into boxes.

Again, some people feel they know their sexuality early in life. But many don’t. And saying that sexuality can be fluid or change is not the same thing as calling it a phase.

*have not gave!

It’s so odd that now people seem to think that young people think it’s “cool” or whatever to say they are lesbians. When I was young this was the WORST thing to be called/ accused of.
Lesbian here and I definitely knew at 10, just had no idea of the words! The good thing is that no one is saying anyone should or shouldn’t be anything! Whether your daughter loves women, men or nobody OP I’m sure she’ll appreciate being able to moan about them when she’s bigger! Who doesn’t need a moan about their wife/ husband now and again.

VanCleef: "I don’t agree that it’s a pressure to “identify” as something. I see it as children feeling comfortable with."

I disagree. Many yr 6 and yr 7 children in ds2's now secondary have recently said they did feel pressure to identify.

I agree with snowdrop. It's gradually changed over the last few years and now become too extreme.

Many secondary children, teens are under great pressure to be anything other than heterosexual. Some are being teased as heterosexual is now boring. This new trend is not ok.

VanCleef, I have quite a few friends with girls in year 10,11, and 12 and what snowdrops describes is exactly what the mums say is prevalent in girls that age, (not all obviously) but quite a bit. I have ds's older and younger, but they haven't experienced this.

Its not being gay that's the problem, of course that's fine. Its the subtle change that none are heterosexual, that's boring, all bi, pan-sexual, omni-sexual, gender fluid, trans etc. all of which are also ok. Until it gets to the point it is now, where the girls are shocked if a girl announces she's just heterosexual and then gets commented that she can't be / probably isn't.

"That's nice darling, what do you want for dinner?"
She's 10, she doesn't need to decide her sexuality.

The first person I had sex with was my female friend at around 16. I’m absolutely hetero hetero, but it was a bit fashionable to experiment as a youth. I think it’s great that teenagers can feel open. I do think 10 is crazy to be putting sexual labels on themselves.

@KateInHappyland

OP, did you know you were straight at 10? (Assuming you are, forgive me if not.)

If so, there you go.

Lots of people feel sexual feelings at 10, I had a massive crush on Murdock from the A Team (I had quite a few dubious crushes) 🤣 but I still wrestled with various uncertainties of not being sure where the lines between admiration / wishing to be like someone / and wishing to be with someone actually lay. With hindsight I can now say that my hetero feelings were always going to come to the fore, but I would have been much more doubtful inwardly at the time. I glad there was no pressure to confirm anything at a young age so a lot of my angst could fly under the radar.

I think you handled that brilliantly op. It will mean a lot to your dd that she can tell you such personal things and that you don't judge her.

I came out to my mum at 19 and which went "mum, I'm bisexual" "no you're not".."but...I am.."..."no..... You're not"

It was never spoken of again 😂

[quote SarahAndQuack]**@snowdropandcrocus, that was exactly what my parents' generation were all saying when I was a teenager in the 90s. Just food for thought there ....[/quote]
Nope

I think you wonderfully OP, especially having been caught off guard. You can pick up preferred language along the way.

I think if the 'things can change' thing is belittling depends on how it's done. When it's only done about sexuality (or careers, those two seem to be the big ones), yeah, that often comes off as patronizing and can be very disheartening & break relationships between parent and child.

With my kids, I discuss adolescence as a time of figuring things - looking around and asking 'is this me?'. Their father and I openly discuss thoughts we had at a young age and how many things changed and many things stayed the same, but I couldn't have told you which was which then, everything felt strong.

Also, I discuss sexuality as a trait, not a full identity or a shorthand for particular values or personality types as portrayed a lot in media and I'm very big on keeping personal information private especially in places where they are not free to leave like school. I emphasise that no matter the popular message, they are not less themselves or less 'proud' if they don't out themselves in every setting. It may cool in other places, but in my DD1's school, she's already dealt with a lot of vileness from people just suspecting she's a lesbian.

At 10, you are or should be an innocent child.

A 10 year old's feelings are innocent, even when they describe them as crushes or liking someone. Same with 5 year olds. It's adults who turn them into something they're not by applying adult emotions and motivations onto children who are stuck using the language given to them.

From what I remember when I was that age, we all thought they were repulsive creatures.

I thought I was repulsive at 10, but I never thought boys were repulsive - I gave one a pile of valentines at 6 and more than a few of my peers that I would now say I was in awe of were guys (back then I would have called it a crush, but my emotional language was limited to thinking an intense admiring emotion involving wanting to be around someone must be a crush).

Wow! I've had my eyes opened reading your comments!
Thank you @moofolk - you made me laugh!
@KateInHappyland - at 10 I was playing with barbies and trying to work out how to french plait my hair. I wasn't worried about periods and public hair and boots. I never had the same amount of awareness as DD has now, mainly because sexual awareness is now part of the junior school curriculum.
The new duchess said what I wanted to say about the level of understanding and maturity of her peers.
All I want is for her to stay a happy and confident individual and I'll do everything in my power to make to make that happen.

OP, l think your approach has been spot on. 💐. I started to be attracted to and getting the “butterfly” feeling about certain boys and girls at that age.

By mid-teems with hormones bubbling, l was seeing a few boys. I was also doing “kissing practice” with a few close girl friends, allegedly to make us better kissers for the boys. Looking back, l’m not sure whether l was trying to convince myself or others

I was in my 30s (early 40s now) before my first real feminine renaissance. There have been both genders since and l regard myself as “sexual” rather than giving it a prefix.

But l do wish l had acknowledged it earlier, particularly as the parental support would have been there.

@ThePlantsitter

I do think there's enormous pressure to identify as something these days. I suppose it's better than having to identify as something other than you feel though. It'll balance out eventually and when kids start to get proper sexual feelings it'll come out in the wash anyway right (wherever those sexual feelings may be directed)

^^ this

It’s the “in” thing these days to be some kind of LGBT which is absolutely fine as long as you can give your child the reassurance that you love them no matter what ( which you obviously have) but also let them know it’s
a) ok to be LGBT
b) also ok to change their mind later.

My ds went through a I am gay phase...i told him he likes who he likes - he didn't need to label it.

Overheard a conversation to a friend- he said he isn't gay just didn't like any girls.

He may change his idea of who he likes in the future.

But he is a teenager- some children might know at a very young age for some it is older.