DD says she like girls

[Icantremembermyusername]

DD (10) and I have our deep and meaningful conversations in the car. She feels it's less intense than face to face and if needed, we change direction and find a Costa, or similar, if we need further discussion. She'd rather have what she sees as an awkward conversation not at home. Her dad, my ex, is the same. Hope that makes sense!
Last night on the way home from school she said she had something to ask me and she didn't feel comfortable saying it or writing it down. We played 20 questions and it turns out she thinks she's a lesbian.
I pulled over and gave her a hug, told her I love her whatever her preference. And that I will welcome what ever friends or partners she has but that 10 is a teeny bit early to make a decision.

They are learning this stuff in school, which is fab but I think they should remind children that tastes can change.
I really don't have an issue with LGBTQ+ but I hate that my kiddie feels like she has to make a choice.

My daughters friends all went through a stage of calling themselves lesbians. About 5 of them. Boys are quite yucky at that age. Two of them dated each other, yr 8 to yr10 but barely even kissed.

It doesnt have much to do with adult sexuality.

As adults they are all now (disappointingly?) hetro, all dating young men. Two are transmen but theyre both dating people with penises.

@VanCleefArpels

Please don’t use the word “preference”. It implies a choice. Gay people don’t choose who they fancy, they just know who they fancy (if that makes sense). Otherwise you’ve done a great job in being understanding. And I don’t think 10 is early. Did you have crushes when you were 10?

I agree that for the majority of gay/lesbian adults that I know they tell me it was not a choice or preference. It just is.

However, the world is a very different place for our young children right now. As another poster has said, in my teen daughter's friendship group now, very few are openly identifying as heterosexual, standard gender. They are under intense pressure to challenge everything and it is leaving a lot of children confused, rushing to slap labels on themselves like bi, gay, asexual, trans, pan, gender fluid etc. It is no longer acceptable to assume heterosexuality despite it being the default biological setting for humans and I think it's doing more harm than good. It is of course amazing that it opens up the world for those that would have suffered before and is bringing acceptance but I fear we are actually making it harder for kids to actually understand 'what' they are and the importance of learning to love themselves for that. They're spending a whole lot of time creating more and more woke versions of themselves and travelling down paths they can't then deviate from for fear of being laughed at or ridiculed.

I think it is harming the gay community as well. When these kids are experimenting and trying to fit in with what is cool, real people and emotions are being played with. It's going to lead to anger/abusive relationships if those involved are confused about their own sexuality or worse, ignoring/denying their genuine preferences to fit in with everyone else. It makes it harder for those who really do just 'know' they are gay.

I'm aware that sounds like I'm talking rubbish but it has to be seen to be believed. Every teen is under pressure now to belong to LGBQT+.

@snowdropandcrocus, that was exactly what my parents' generation were all saying when I was a teenager in the 90s. Just food for thought there ....

You did really well, OP.
I come from an intensely homophobic family and I'd want to have the same relationship and openness with my child.

@snowdropsandcrocuses - my kids are now in early 20’s and I really don’t recognise that picture. Things appear to have changed very quickly!

You will have gleaned from my comments that this was/has been a well trodden path in my own family. We’ve been lucky I guess, it was something that we parents had an inkling of, at a very young age, we spoke very inclusively about life in general, had the story books with 2 mummies/daddies etc etc and so when in their teens they “came out” (another phrase I loathe) it was really no big deal. However I can’t claim to have dealt with it perfectly and I’ve learned that language is important and that othering is real. Still on that learning curve, but I constantly give thanks that being gay is totally in the mainstream now abd not something that needs to be hidden

You and your DD sound lovely, OP. I think the only thing I'd say is that giving her a hug etc might be over-egging the pudding slightly. One of my children is gay. When he "came out" (aged 13 or so), I said (and genuinely thought) "Whatevs. Do you want a cup of tea?" I had had no reason to think he was gay up to that point, but it was still a complete non-event.

I did say at some point that being gay shouldn't be any more of a 'thing' than being straight. If you're gay, you're gay. Whatever your sexuality, the thing that defines you as a human being is whether you are kind, considerate, generous, truthful, unselfish, etc, etc, etc. I think my DC know this, even if they don't always act that way (though I dare say I don't, either).

@VanCleefArpels I couldn't agree with you more. That being gay is now normal is fantastic and such a relief for many. I just wish the kids today would stop worrying so much about 'what' they are and focus a bit more on 'who' they are.

I don't care about your skin colour, gender or sexuality and nobody else should. I want my kids to be hard working, educated, kind, empathetic and resilient. (In an ideal world of course!). I wish for them to discover themselves and be confident in who they are. There's just so much focus in social media right now to be 'other' that it's hard to find the light. I have total faith my kids will come through this phase and settle down with whatever identity they choose but I do worry for the emotional/mental stress they're under these days. I'm probably hankering for the good old days where Dr Marten boots and a belly button piercing were rebellion enough!

I knew I fancied boys and girls by the time I was 12. I told my mum I was bisexual at 14, then at 17 I thought I might be gay. Then had a three-year relationship with a guy, it ended and I dated men and women. Met now-DH at 22 and we've been together for almost ten years.

As a 31 year old adult who has done a lot of unpacking in therapy, I now realise I'm a bi-romantic asexual who hypersexualised myself in my teens and early 20s because I was awkward, undiagnosed (at that time) autistic, very overweight and felt like easy sex was all I could offer. I just tick "bisexual" when filling out forms though - there isn't a box for that yet

Basically... sexuality is a spectrum and people might move up and down it in their preferences but they may not. Your DD may be gay and she may not but it's brilliant that the door is open to have these conversations.

[quote SarahAndQuack]**@snowdropandcrocus, that was exactly what my parents' generation were all saying when I was a teenager in the 90s. Just food for thought there ....[/quote]
The irony isn't lost on me either. But of ten friends in a group of females (bio), 3 are gay, one is bi, 1 is pan, 1 is trans. The rest are undecided. I don't think any of them are openly embracing 'heterosexual female' status right now.

As you can see from my response above i would fully support any choices my daughters make (currently they're both tight lipped / undecided) but I do worry that fashion/trends are clouding / drowning out those who have genuine LGBTQ+ concerns.

As for OP, I think you handled it brilliantly and I think see how things pan out. I do remember age 14 sharing a kiss and grope with my best friend at the time and questioning my own sexuality but ultimately decided I was predominantly heterosexual. I think 10 is a young age to be really aware of sexual preferences when half the time the kids are playing games in the playground at that age.

@candycane222

hmmm - I predominantly 'liked' women in my early teens - sexually that is. Then in mid teens, started desiring androgynous men, then - just men.

So without it being a taste, preference or choice, I do think children's predominant sexuality can evolve.

Of course and people who thought they were hetero can and often do become more gay over time.

@KathyWilliams the coming out was the least surprising event for us - we have quite a piss taking humour in our family unit and so when the words “I’m gay” came out DH said “ya think?” and we all had a bit of a giggle. I’m sure they were a bit miffed that this big moment really wasn’t that at all 😂

It isn't a choice or preference. But obviously at 10 her wee hormones could be all over the place and things may change or they may not. The good thing is that communication is open and she can speak to you. If she has other trusted adults in her life hopefully they say similar? Like her dad etc

My nine year old told me he was "bio sexual" because he likes boys and girls (so Olli told him)

At 10, she doesnt know what she is talking about. Its your job as a parent to clearly inform her that the vast majority of people are straight and that she shouldnt think about it now. Once she is 18 then maybe she can be in a better position to evaluate her preferences.

At 10, I didnt even think about boys or girls ffs, let alone contemplate my sexual preference as such.

Rofl, only when I was 15 did I feel sexual attraction to anyone. At 10, you are or should be an innocent child.

You can be both innocent child and aware of your own innate sexuality, At 10, I was running up and down the playground having piggy backs with my friends. I also had a secret crush on Paul in my class, who I went off rapidly when he shouted at me for being crap at rounders.
It sounds as if OP has a lovely, open relationship with her DD. As a parent to older children, I'd say keep listening, and don't turn anything that can't be changed into a big deal.

@Yololollipop

Rofl, only when I was 15 did I feel sexual attraction to anyone. At 10, you are or should be an innocent child.

What an odd thing to say. Why are you sexualising a 10 year old's feelings?

@Yololollipop

At 10, she doesnt know what she is talking about. Its your job as a parent to clearly inform her that the vast majority of people are straight and that she shouldnt think about it now. Once she is 18 then maybe she can be in a better position to evaluate her preferences.

At 10, I didnt even think about boys or girls ffs, let alone contemplate my sexual preference as such.

ROFL at the idea that you can't know if you are gay until you're 18.

@HelplesslyHoping

Probably used the wrong term...but you know what i meant...romantic feelings/attraction to another sex. What did you think i meant ffs.

@depremesnil

Its not actually far fetched. A lot of people go through a phase/s. In my case I went through a phase until I was 22 regarding a different lifestyle choice / not sexuality related.

She may well be a lesbian. And if she is it's great that she feels she can talk you.

However my 10 year old has now finally come out as straight after a year of having many different lbqt+ labels.
She's told me within her peer group there's immense pressure to label yourself and it's not at all cool to be straight. A lot of it is TikTok influenced
It grates on me immensely as it seems like they think sexuality is a choice.

Some gay people feel their sexuality is innate and fixed early on. But some don’t. I didn’t. It can change over time, too. It’s absolutely fine to tell her that her preferences and sexuality might change, and that’s fine too - it’s not homophobic in itself to say that. I think you handled it just fine OP! Acceptance but also not making it a big deal either - she should be free to decide what is true to herself.

I had a similar conversation with my daughter at the same age. She knows that whatever her sexuality, she is loved. When I asked her however why she thought she was gay it had more to do with finding boys annoying than about being sexually attracted to girls. She knows however that gay, bisexual or heterosexual she is 100% loved and accepted. She cried with relief after our conversation because she's very aware this isnt everyone's experience.