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Original poster

DH possible affair

89 replies

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 01:51

Hello,
I don't know for sure if he is, but my senses are heightened and intuition is telling me something is going on.

My suspicion started about 18 months ago when he was on his phone texting and I walked last and briefly leaned in near to him to ask something and he quickly spun away and moved the phone in a flash and seemed irritable. Thought it was odd how he reacted and wondered who he was texting.

In March this year I was looking for a lost earring in his car and came across a pile of receipts/lottery tickets in the glovebox. They fell out onto the floor and I began picking them up and one of them was a receipt from garden centre cafe about 40 miles from where we live, in a town that neither of us have a connection to. The date on the receipt was November 2020. We have lots of garden centres in our vicinity, why would he need to visit one that far away and go in the cafe. A woman's name was on the bottom of the receipt where is said 'customer membership card' so obviously he was with a woman there for her to have used her membership card when he made the purchase for food. I suddenly felt sick and felt like my head was spinning. Confronted him and he quickly snatched the receipt off me, denied he was with anyone that day and that someone his mum knows had let him use their membership card so he could make a purchase there. I didn't believe him.

I googled this woman's name and it appears she works for a company in the same town where the garden centre is located and also I know DH had been doing freelance work at this company on and off for the past few years.

If I bring it up he's very dismissive, won't discuss, acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, say it's all wrong, I'm imagining things etc.

I need actual concrete proof so I can rest my mind either way. How do I find out whether something is going on for sure? Private investigator? Follow him? I don't know but it's killing me. I feel sick.

Thank you for reading, any insight or thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
Lussekatt · 01/12/2021 02:19

Mumsnet sin, but can you ever get hold of his phone? If he won't discuss it, you need to do something.

Something is clearly off. Not wanting you to see his texts, okay, maybe fine. Depends. But the receipt thing? Surely he would just be look "Oh yeah, that's mums friend Phyllis, she let me use it when I was doing some work for that company over there. She happens to work for the same company! Small world."

I am so sorry you're going through this and that I can't be of any help Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2021 02:22

You really need more proof? His gaslighting bullshit is all you need for "proof."

He is playing you for a fool. Kick the twat out.

Lussekatt · 01/12/2021 02:25

@Aquamarine1029

You really need more proof? His gaslighting bullshit is all you need for "proof."

He is playing you for a fool. Kick the twat out.

A lot of people need that proof in black and white, especially after months of gaslighting. The proof in hand will allow you to tell yourself you are not going crazy.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
6079SmithW · 01/12/2021 02:34

He is obviously hiding something. I am a great believer in talking it out, bu5 if you really don't think you'll get anywhere that way I would contact the woman on the receipt.

6079SmithW · 01/12/2021 02:35

*but

sofato5miles · 01/12/2021 02:35

Looks like a duck, walks like a duck.. You know really. It's a shitry situation.

What about you? How are you in terms of independence? What does your life look like?

Shannonz · 01/12/2021 02:43

First of all I just want to say you are definitely not imagining things, you know what you saw, I have been in this exact position and I know exactly how it feels. It’s all consuming and is constantly on your mind even when you’re “happy”.

Yes you’re right, you do need concrete proof as a man like that will constantly tell you you’re crazy unless you’ve got it there in black and white. There’s no point in bringing it up to him as he will carry on denying it and will also be even more careful. You KNOW he’s cheating and I know it’s killing you but I think in this situation you will just have to bide your time until he messes up somewhere and as another user suggested check his phone etc if you can, there’s bound to be something on there, look for phone calls that are perhaps saved under a different name, men can be very ‘clever’.

In the mean time I would think about what you are going to do when you have got the evidence and confront him. Divorce? I know it can be hard to think about but if so start getting a plan together now.

Sending so much love Flowers

Sweetsaremyfave · 01/12/2021 02:43

I’m sorry you are going through this. If you can’t check his phone maybe try and contact this women? Ask her for the truth?

BleuJay · 01/12/2021 02:58

The obvious one would be to say that you are going to ask his mother to confirm that her friend allowed him to use his membership card.

Or you can be devious and say in all innocence to his mum in front of him if she can ask her friend if you can borrow the membership card this time as you want to buy a gift from there.

hans34 · 01/12/2021 02:59

Sorry you're going through this OP. Sending you a virtual hug.
I would try to get hold of his phone if you can. Unless he takes it with him everywhere
I'd say If his garden centre trip was innocent then why hasn't he mentioned it to you ...

hans34 · 01/12/2021 03:00

@BleuJay

The obvious one would be to say that you are going to ask his mother to confirm that her friend allowed him to use his membership card.

Or you can be devious and say in all innocence to his mum in front of him if she can ask her friend if you can borrow the membership card this time as you want to buy a gift from there.

This 🙌
tensmum1964 · 01/12/2021 08:40

You don't need proof. The fact that he behaves this way is proof enough.

TheDivineOddity · 01/12/2021 08:42

Your comment about being able to rest your mind either way is key, you will not be settled until you know.
You can either nod along, accept his word and sweep your suspicions under the carpet until he slips up some months down the line like I did or do something decisive now to get to the truth.
Like a pp so wisely said, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck........

AllTheCakes · 01/12/2021 08:46

Agree, something is off and he is gaslighting you. I would quietly get finances in order and ensure you’re prepared before shit hits the fan.

MadeForThis · 01/12/2021 08:50

He's lying about something. I wouldn't be happy until I figured it out.

Original poster
Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 08:57

Thank you all. MIL has the onset of dementia so asking her to verify re the membership card wouldn't be possible I don't think. I want him to slip up in a way so the truth will be revealed in a very clear and obvious way so he will be forced to admit it.
A divorce would be catastrophic and complicated, we have 2 DC, one has SN. DH is the main earner.

I thought about contacting the woman, I've typed her name in on Facebook but the problem is that she has a rather popular and well-used name so it's hard to know which profile is actually hers. Also, if I contacted her through the workplace (I know where the workplace is) it would cause a lot of trouble as DH does work there and relies on it for business. Imagine if I had got the wrong end of the stick somehow and it all went tits up and I'd end up looking ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 08:59

MIL gets confused easily and is quite cantankerous at the best of times.

I really want to look through his phone but it has a passcode and face recognition which makes it impossible.

OP posts:
BleuJay · 01/12/2021 09:08

Regardless of whether he was having rampant sex with someone else or just had a coffee and food with someone he knows from work it’s his dismissive behaviour and unwillingness to calm your fears that is concerning.

He could easily have said, oh yes I had lunch that day with Doris from x company as she wanted to tell me something that’s been going on (work related). Blah blah blah boring work ‘drama’.

The story about using a membership card belonging to his mother’s friend is nonsense. You should be able to tell from the amount f sad lent in the cafe whether it was food and drink for just one person or not.

Original poster
Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 09:19

It was definitely food purchased for more than one person. He paid for it as it was the last couple of digits from his card on the receipt. I googled the postcode for the garden centre and it's a good run from where we live. The more I think about it the more it seems quite surreal and weird. We've been together a long time.

OP posts:
AllTheCakes · 01/12/2021 11:03

If you can get the phone, using a photo of him can sometimes bypass the facial recognition.

FreeBritnee · 01/12/2021 11:11

I think it’s pretty obvious they are either having a physical or emotional affair. I don’t think you need to provide it really. You know what’s going on. He’s checked out and really you need to decide if you want to continue the relationship? He’s either having an affair and you need to accept it because your life will be far more difficult if you divorce. Or he’s having an affair and you won’t accept it and therefore you pre-empt the situation by telling him what you believe and asking for details of the woman’s name, access to his phone etc etc. You go at it like a dog with a bone but if you then get the proof you need youve irrevocably damaged your relationship.

HollowTalk · 01/12/2021 11:11

someone his mum knows had let him use their membership card so he could make a purchase there

That has to be the worst excuse in the world. So he was going to this place for a coffee, but before he did, he asked his mum to ask her friends if anyone had a membership card so he could get a discount on his coffee? He must think you're a fool to believe that.

BleuJay · 01/12/2021 11:14

@Jamontoast87

It was definitely food purchased for more than one person. He paid for it as it was the last couple of digits from his card on the receipt. I googled the postcode for the garden centre and it's a good run from where we live. The more I think about it the more it seems quite surreal and weird. We've been together a long time.
It could have been innocent and he popped into the garden centre whilst he was working in the area and bumped into the woman he knows through work or even went with her during a work break to discuss work matters.

Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that, but his reaction to your finding the receipt shows that it was something to be suspicious about.

What if you told him that you have reached a crisis point and cannot accept his nonsense excuse for the circumstances of the receipt and unless he can tell you exactly who he was with and why then you are always going to worry and not trust him.

Justilou1 · 01/12/2021 11:20

His behaviour is defensive and he’s clearly bullshitting. Very unlikely that his mum’s friend works for that company isn’t it? I think a little stakeout wouldn’t be out of place.

SugarlumpsesBumpses · 01/12/2021 11:22

Hi OP, you say a divorce would be catastrophic for you and your DC? If you do indeed find out he has cheated what is the plan, as you may want to figure out how you get your proof based on what you plan to do if your worst fears are confirmed?

If you want to try and work through the marriage (your choice, I'm not sure these things work often due to trust issues, takes a lot of work) then be careful how you gather the proof as like you say you don't want to go causing major business issues for him. However if you are of the view that if he's cheated and that's that, then I suppose you can be more 'ruthless' so to speak in how you gather it. Whatever the plan, make sure it's as much to your advantage as possible. I hope it's all innocent and he's just being daft and shifty but it does sound odd