DH possible affair

[Jamontoast87]

Hello,
I don't know for sure if he is, but my senses are heightened and intuition is telling me something is going on.

My suspicion started about 18 months ago when he was on his phone texting and I walked last and briefly leaned in near to him to ask something and he quickly spun away and moved the phone in a flash and seemed irritable. Thought it was odd how he reacted and wondered who he was texting.

In March this year I was looking for a lost earring in his car and came across a pile of receipts/lottery tickets in the glovebox. They fell out onto the floor and I began picking them up and one of them was a receipt from garden centre cafe about 40 miles from where we live, in a town that neither of us have a connection to. The date on the receipt was November 2020. We have lots of garden centres in our vicinity, why would he need to visit one that far away and go in the cafe. A woman's name was on the bottom of the receipt where is said 'customer membership card' so obviously he was with a woman there for her to have used her membership card when he made the purchase for food. I suddenly felt sick and felt like my head was spinning. Confronted him and he quickly snatched the receipt off me, denied he was with anyone that day and that someone his mum knows had let him use their membership card so he could make a purchase there. I didn't believe him.

I googled this woman's name and it appears she works for a company in the same town where the garden centre is located and also I know DH had been doing freelance work at this company on and off for the past few years.

If I bring it up he's very dismissive, won't discuss, acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, say it's all wrong, I'm imagining things etc.

I need actual concrete proof so I can rest my mind either way. How do I find out whether something is going on for sure? Private investigator? Follow him? I don't know but it's killing me. I feel sick.

Thank you for reading, any insight or thoughts welcome.

@Bluntness100 I know my DP's passcode and he knows mine. That doesn't mean I'd be happy with him reading my messages etc, but I trust him not to do that and I'd never do it to him.

Can’t you check bank statements? If he’s guilty and the affair has been going on as long as you think there would definitely be something on there that doesn’t add up.

Lily019 I can relate to your post apart from DH asked if I minded if he reconnected with an ex from over 30yrs ago. I didn’t think anything would happen but very quickly DH’s behaviour changed. I snooped since neither of us have ever been bothered by privacy in the past. To be fair he was the one flirting but she wasn’t discouraging him. His fb page has no info of my existence, we have always respected each other’s online privacy ( for professional reasons) so she may have thought he was single.
I messaged her to make sure that I was aware of their blossoming friendship. Her reaction was quite interesting, at no point did she suggest DH was an idiot for lack of transparency and claimed that I was very controlling. Also no apology for not checking whether he was still married. I’ve never met the woman and since she is not local she would have no idea of our relationship dynamic.
Anyway we have worked our way through it. Sadly it seems that her relationship has not survived.
I know that DH had no face to face contact as it was all done through lockdown. Also he fessed up immediately. I am still rebuilding trust but I can understand how he found himself in the situation. We are able to talk about it without arguing, I still have the odd moment of doubt but on the whole I see a future together.
Op if you suspect something then it will eat you up until you know for sure. If you snoop then screen shot everything so he can’t lie. Confront him in a calm manner, he’ll know you are serious.
Be prepared to hear what you don’t want to hear. The fact he’s kept it well hidden suggests he doesn’t want you to know. Men aren’t very good at making the first move towards separation and divorce and will often leave things in plain site for you to find out and do all the breaking up. Lazy and cowardly.
It’s humiliating to be cheated on so they often rely on you ending it without singing about his infidelity from the treetops. So they are likely to come out of it with their reputation in tact. Had I been certain that I wanted to leave DH I would have made sure everyone knew via social media.
I really hope there is an innocent explanation but since he hasn’t come up with a believable one then it doesn’t look good.
Normally I would say confront him immediately but since you’ve been sitting on this since last year you need to look at all your finances and legal documents. Make sure that you can account for all spending and he hasn’t been preparing for an exit. Again if there is no evidence then maybe there is nothing to worry about.
My heart goes out to you.
Spend the next month looking through all your paperwork. Leave it until after Christmas until you act on anything. If nothing else make sure you get a decent Christmas gift.

[quote girlmom21]@Bluntness100 I know my DP's passcode and he knows mine. That doesn't mean I'd be happy with him reading my messages etc, but I trust him not to do that and I'd never do it to him. [/quote]
That’s fine, what I’m saying is everyone is different and it’s not a sign of an affair if you don’t have access.

@Bluntness100 I didn’t say it was a sign of an affair if you don’t have access to your partner’s phone. I just think it’s a bit strange to be secretive.

I would NEVER read my DP’s messages, and he would never read mine. We wouldn’t hide our phones as the other approached though, and would trust each other to use each others phones for a quick photo/Google without any suspicion.

Everyone is different, but the only relevant point here is the OP’s gut is telling her he’s having an affair.

Just to add, I had never snooped on my partner's phone in the several years we were together. I also see it as an invasion of privacy. I had no reason to and as we appeared to be so happy, it didnt cross my mind. Even when I got a VERY strong bad feeling one day when I caught sight of his face as he was reading something on his phone, it still didnt occur to me to try to access his phone. I convinced myself I must have been imagining things, and even when I shared my concerns with my (adult) son, he also convinced me it couldn't be possible as we had such a great relationship. Well, the truth will out as they say, and ultimately it was his obsession with his phone that finally showed me the truth. If not through your husband's phone, something else will crop up undoubtedly to show you what you need to see. Although personally I think the receipt you found and the bizarre excuse and reaction that followed would be enough for me. I am sorry this is happening to you, but keep strong and prepare yourself.

I’d hire a private investigator if you can afford it. I went so mad when I thought DP was cheating a few years ago I was on verge of booking one on credit card but thankfully he told me the truth before it was required. Sometimes you just need to know for your own sanity.

I would definitely get a private investigator. It will give you all the answers you need without you personally having to snoop.

Once you have all the answers, you can decide what to do.

Sorry I didn't come back to the thread, I feel I am really struggling with my MH at the moment due to different factors, not just this situation with DH. It's been one of those weeks where it all happens at once. Thank you for all kind and helpful advice, much appreciated.

Take care OP

Sorry to read about your mental health OP, take care of yourself. Might be worth looking into some talking therapies. Xx

Thank you .

[quote Derbee]@Bluntness100 I didn’t say it was a sign of an affair if you don’t have access to your partner’s phone. I just think it’s a bit strange to be secretive.

I would NEVER read my DP’s messages, and he would never read mine. We wouldn’t hide our phones as the other approached though, and would trust each other to use each others phones for a quick photo/Google without any suspicion.

Everyone is different, but the only relevant point here is the OP’s gut is telling her he’s having an affair.[/quote]
Would be a GDPR breach for anyone to have my phone passcode.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. Keep strong, get a support network around you. He will eventually mess up. In the meantime think about keeping a diary of things that don’t seem quite right….times when he is out late or at an unusual time, things he says that feel ‘odd’, incidents when you think he might be lying or his behaviour towards you changes, also any receipts you find that seem suspicious. Record the date and time these things happen. It might help you put 2 and 2 together later on.

Above all look after yourself. for you.