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Original poster

DH possible affair

89 replies

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 01:51

Hello,
I don't know for sure if he is, but my senses are heightened and intuition is telling me something is going on.

My suspicion started about 18 months ago when he was on his phone texting and I walked last and briefly leaned in near to him to ask something and he quickly spun away and moved the phone in a flash and seemed irritable. Thought it was odd how he reacted and wondered who he was texting.

In March this year I was looking for a lost earring in his car and came across a pile of receipts/lottery tickets in the glovebox. They fell out onto the floor and I began picking them up and one of them was a receipt from garden centre cafe about 40 miles from where we live, in a town that neither of us have a connection to. The date on the receipt was November 2020. We have lots of garden centres in our vicinity, why would he need to visit one that far away and go in the cafe. A woman's name was on the bottom of the receipt where is said 'customer membership card' so obviously he was with a woman there for her to have used her membership card when he made the purchase for food. I suddenly felt sick and felt like my head was spinning. Confronted him and he quickly snatched the receipt off me, denied he was with anyone that day and that someone his mum knows had let him use their membership card so he could make a purchase there. I didn't believe him.

I googled this woman's name and it appears she works for a company in the same town where the garden centre is located and also I know DH had been doing freelance work at this company on and off for the past few years.

If I bring it up he's very dismissive, won't discuss, acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, say it's all wrong, I'm imagining things etc.

I need actual concrete proof so I can rest my mind either way. How do I find out whether something is going on for sure? Private investigator? Follow him? I don't know but it's killing me. I feel sick.

Thank you for reading, any insight or thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
MarmitesMyMate · 01/12/2021 11:25

Tell him u gave GP appointment as you think you have an STI. and baffled as to how. Watch him squirm.

My friend did that. And her now ex panicked and confessed.

MarmitesMyMate · 01/12/2021 11:26

Obviously there was no GP appointment and no NHS time was wasted

dontgobaconmyheart · 01/12/2021 11:29

It is already sufficient proof he is a liar who is happy to gaslight you. Given there is nothing wrong with grabbing a coffee or lunch with a colleague, I'd have thought the fact he is lying about it suggests he knows there is in this context.

He isn't likely to actually admit it OP, even if you proved it in front of his face, because it will I convenience him, the same as you asking does. I would spend the time instead considering whether you want to be with someone who lies to you and keeps their phone locked down from their spouse.

I wouldn't harass this woman, but would probably attempt to contact her or call his bluff and say 'I've spoken to x' see what he does. Things arent any better between you just because they're being avoided.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Tal45 · 01/12/2021 11:41

Can you tell him you're feeling insecure about the receipt and ask him to show you his phone to put your mind at rest? If he won't you know he probably has something to hide - but unfortunately you might never get the concrete evidence you want as he will do all he can to prevent it. It's an awful situation OP but you should always trust your gut.

BleuJay · 01/12/2021 11:47

Have you got any other worries? Is he away of an evening sometimes and can’t account for his whereabouts?

Has there been an increase in going out to allegedly meet his male friends?

Has he started to care more about his appearance and hygiene? Lost weight and or toned up?

Is he affectionate towards you? I don’t mean sex, I mean small gestures of affection.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 01/12/2021 11:51

You could try her name on LinkedIn as you know the company she works for it Google her name and the company name.

BleuJay · 01/12/2021 11:55

You could contact the woman and say you’re the garden centre head office and her membership number has won a prize draw for a meal and a night for TWO in (Name of hotel near garden centre) and you just need to confirm her name and the full name of the person she will be bringing and give her a choice of dates and you will send her the booking details.

She might then name either your husband or her own partner.

If she does confirm a booking your husband might then say he has a stag do etc on the same date.

If she doesn’t bite but is or was having an affair with your husband she might tell him about her odd phone call and that might prompt him to talk to you about it.

Mintlegs · 01/12/2021 11:55

I would look a little broader, possibly monitor bank accounts for other clues or unaccounted strange spending. Sat Nav route history etc keep watching and act normal.

KitBiscuit · 01/12/2021 12:03

denied he was with anyone that day and that someone his mum knows had let him use their membership card so he could make a purchase

So then obviously you now know this is not true, unless this woman who works for the company he has done freelance work for is also friends with his Mum, which you can easily find out by asking his Mum? Or suggest he explain the connection? I mean I would just bring it up and see him try and sweat his way out if as it's a blatant lie. Sorry OP. I am sure this is awfully difficult but I suspect you and your gut are right about this ThanksWine xx

violetskiss · 01/12/2021 12:06

This was November 2020? So over a year ago? What have you been doing for the last year, just living with this fear? Has there been more suspicious activity from him in this time?

AdobeWanKenobi · 01/12/2021 12:27

OP I'd ask for this to be moved over to the relationships board.

Staryflight445 · 01/12/2021 12:28

You don’t have enough proof there?
Come on op. He’s gaslighting you.

Softwonder · 01/12/2021 12:28

Hold on, 5th November till 2nd December 2020 was full Lockdown in the uk?

Staryflight445 · 01/12/2021 12:34

Garden centres were always open weren’t they? @Softwonder

AdobeWanKenobi · 01/12/2021 12:40

@Staryflight445

Garden centres were always open weren’t they? *@Softwonder*
5th November national lockdown started.

@Softwonder As OP doesn't state (nor should she need to) the exact date you should assume the meeting happened in the 4 days before, or, if you suspect the OP isn't genuine report the,.

Onthedunes · 01/12/2021 12:56

Is the garden centre very close to their place of work?

If not, it's quite an intimate sort of coffee date, one which assumes the woman suggested it.

He's deffinitely lying, but really he will have already locked down if something is going on. Men are not stupid if they do not wish to be found out.

You've spent a year feeling unsure, that must be awful, are there any other signs or feelings, has he pulled a way from you?

1forAll74 · 01/12/2021 13:06

Its quite shocking to be snooping on someone's phone, so many people seem to do this now. If you have any suspicions about a partner that are worrying you, you should get to grips about these things, and talk about the issues with your partner. If a partner won't talk about anything, or starts denying everything, it just won't do, as this is only going to cause upset and friction to all concerned, and you end up living in crap way of life, unless something gets sorted one way or another.

Softwonder · 01/12/2021 13:12

@Staryflight445

Garden centres were always open weren’t they? *@Softwonder*
The cafe's in them weren't though.... I suppose they could have had takeaway coffees etc...
AdobeWanKenobi · 01/12/2021 13:29

Or they could have visited before the lockdown began on the 5th…

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 13:36

I don't agree with checking his phone because I think there are fairly simple explanations for your concerns but can't you just tell him your battery's dead and you need to Google a recipe or something and ask for his passcode?

Realistically he probably went for a coffee with someone from work and was texting his mate some crude joke in both the instances you mentioned.

How successful is his work? Could he have applied for a job/met up with a recruitment consultant/financial advisor because he's not doing as well as expected and be embarrassed by it?

AsleepOnTheTrain · 01/12/2021 13:42

Search for her on
Facebook
LinkedIn
Twitter

Find out all about her and sack him off

JSL52 · 01/12/2021 13:52

@BleuJay

You could contact the woman and say you’re the garden centre head office and her membership number has won a prize draw for a meal and a night for TWO in (Name of hotel near garden centre) and you just need to confirm her name and the full name of the person she will be bringing and give her a choice of dates and you will send her the booking details.

She might then name either your husband or her own partner.

If she does confirm a booking your husband might then say he has a stag do etc on the same date.

If she doesn’t bite but is or was having an affair with your husband she might tell him about her odd phone call and that might prompt him to talk to you about it.

Blimey - do you write fiction ? How on earth would this work ?
irene9 · 01/12/2021 14:03

Is he the sort of guy who would go out of his way to get hold of someone else's membership card to get a few pence off a cup of coffee?
Some men would drive 20 miles to get 30p off their fill of petrol, some wouldn't.

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/12/2021 14:08

When I knew something wasn't right with my exh, I looked on his ipad, which was linked to his work emails.

I found the emails between him and the OW on there. He had been quite careful up to that point but they usually slip up and get a bit too confident/less careful. After that, many things made sense but I had been too blind and trustworthy to see them up to that point.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 01/12/2021 14:14

I read a thread on here once about a woman who hired a private investigator.

The PI put a tracker on the husband’s car and the OP ended up with all the proof she needed (sordid photos of husband in a lay-by OW and much more).

The PI was expensive, but in her eyes, definitely worth it as she had concrete evidence and ended her marriage.