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Original poster

DH possible affair

89 replies

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 01:51

Hello,
I don't know for sure if he is, but my senses are heightened and intuition is telling me something is going on.

My suspicion started about 18 months ago when he was on his phone texting and I walked last and briefly leaned in near to him to ask something and he quickly spun away and moved the phone in a flash and seemed irritable. Thought it was odd how he reacted and wondered who he was texting.

In March this year I was looking for a lost earring in his car and came across a pile of receipts/lottery tickets in the glovebox. They fell out onto the floor and I began picking them up and one of them was a receipt from garden centre cafe about 40 miles from where we live, in a town that neither of us have a connection to. The date on the receipt was November 2020. We have lots of garden centres in our vicinity, why would he need to visit one that far away and go in the cafe. A woman's name was on the bottom of the receipt where is said 'customer membership card' so obviously he was with a woman there for her to have used her membership card when he made the purchase for food. I suddenly felt sick and felt like my head was spinning. Confronted him and he quickly snatched the receipt off me, denied he was with anyone that day and that someone his mum knows had let him use their membership card so he could make a purchase there. I didn't believe him.

I googled this woman's name and it appears she works for a company in the same town where the garden centre is located and also I know DH had been doing freelance work at this company on and off for the past few years.

If I bring it up he's very dismissive, won't discuss, acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, say it's all wrong, I'm imagining things etc.

I need actual concrete proof so I can rest my mind either way. How do I find out whether something is going on for sure? Private investigator? Follow him? I don't know but it's killing me. I feel sick.

Thank you for reading, any insight or thoughts welcome.

OP posts:

mewkins · 01/12/2021 14:18

Call his bluff? Tell him you know what's going on and have evidence and see what he says? You have to be clear what you are trying to achieve though. If you really can't divorce him them do you just want to stop him continuing a potential affair?

Staryflight445 · 01/12/2021 14:20

I remember that thread too @PorpoiseWithPurpose

Original poster

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 14:34

Sorry for late reply. Apologies I made an error, the receipt was dated December 2020. I didn't find it until a couple of months later. My error, apologies. It was late last night when I created this thread.

It appears they met at the garden centre and went into the cafe, from what I can gather from the receipt. I've tried to look for her on FB, several people come up in the search with the same name (or a shortened version of the name). Linked in doesn't show anything but she is on the website for the company. There is no photo of her visible so I cannot compare a picture with images on Facebook to see if I have the same person.

For the pp who had doubts to whether I am genuine, I can promise that I definitely am and am in turmoil over this. I have plenty on my plate without creating bogus threads on here. Thank you to all those who have been helpful and kind. The garden centre is located around 40 miles from where we live, the place this woman works is nearby to the garden centre. She is an assistant to the person he has business connections with at this company, if that makes sense.

Since finding this receipt it March it's been gnawing away at me, but as Christmas is approaching I am on alert in case they plan another meeting.

His mum is into her 80s, most of her friends are similar age, it does seem odd that one of them would have a membership/loyalty card for a garden centre located 40 miles away. It really doesn't add up. I wouldn't like to go into his phone but as a last resort maybe I would find the proof there. In a way I'm scared to find out, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

Original poster

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 14:36

@Softwonder I made an error regarding the date. Apologies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 14:40

He's affectionate at times, earns good money and provides for the family. He's a good dad. Can be irritable and snappy with me at times. He works long hours so it's hard to know exactly where he is at my given moment but I haven't noticed a significant change in his routine. It's just this niggling feeling I have, it's hard to explain. He hasn't made more effort with his appearance or anything out of the ordinary like that.

OP posts:

Shaboon1978 · 01/12/2021 14:51

I thought my husband was having an affair so I bought a voice recording pen and put it in his car, it looked exactly like a regular pen and started recording when voices were heard. Recorded every phone conversation 2 ways through the car speakers. I just wanted to know either way! :-)

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 14:53

@Shaboon1978

I hope he was having an affair or, if he wasn't, that you came clean.

What a gross invasion of privacy.

SparklyGlasses · 01/12/2021 14:58

Does he have any other tech you can access - an ipad or even work laptop? My ex had an affair which someone told me about but he flat out denied it and I felt really stuck not wanting to leave until I knew for absolute sure (even though I knew it was true). In the end, I took the key to his home office (in the garden) when he was on a night out and started up his PC and looked for emails. They hadn't contacted much via email but there were a handful and it was enough for me to have concrete evidence and feel 100% validated to leave.

Or could you accidentally leave your phone in his car and then track it via find my phone or similar?

Sorry you're going through this .

Shaboon1978 · 01/12/2021 15:05

@girlmom21

This was after inappropriate messages were found on a phone..

He wasn't but she was heavily hinting at it. I let him know I knew and that I'd seen messages and also told him what she was up to. Turns out she was doing the same to quite a few other men in the same office.

I don't feel bad at all as my gut told me something was wrong.

Parky04 · 01/12/2021 15:10

Always trust your gut. IME, it has never been wrong!

Original poster

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 15:16

Thank you. Agree with the gut feeling. Since March I've had this feeling but it's intensified these past couple of weeks. It's causing me anxiety and palpitations, it's awful. Just focussing on the DC, dog and house and keeping everything ticking over as normal.

I like th idea a PP had of emailing her and pretending to say she'd won in a prize draw. I'm so tempted to email her and ask wtf has been going on but imagine if I had it wrong, he would be furious and I'd ruin everything for him with his worn at this company. If I knew for absolute definite I'd have no qualms.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 15:17

*work

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 15:20

I like th idea a PP had of emailing her and pretending to say she'd won in a prize draw.

That's the most batshit suggestion anyones given you.

You'd have to go a long way to make the email/email address look genuine. Then if she says she'll take her mom or Nan you're none the wiser, even if they are having an affair.

If you're willing to go to such strange lengths just accept your marriage is over.

I'm assuming just asking him is out of the question?

Lily019 · 01/12/2021 15:22

I had similar experience at the beginning of last year. On his mobile more than usual, smirking at his phone, turning it off quickly if I got too close. I KNEW something was off, although he was otherwise lovely, no arguments, nastiness, nothing else out of the ordinary. Very happy and loving relationship.
One night he went up to bed before me, and fell asleep watching a movie on his mobile. As i went round the other side of the bed to switch it off, a WhatsApp message appeared and there it was. Almost 6 months of intimate conversation with another woman. He denied anything other than casual, meaningless flirting when confronted the following day. What he didnt realise is that I had spent the entire night reading all the convos and it was pretty clear that they were madly in love and planning on running off together. Hardly meaningless flirting. This was an ex girlfriend of over 30 years ago with whom he had only recently reconnected. Even as I booted him out the door, he was still claiming it was all a misunderstanding.
They are now happily together and my lovely life, such as it was, ended that day. Two families devastated and torn apart.
Always, ALWAYS trust your gut. You may not have proof right now, but you dont actually need it to know that something is wrong.
The only good thing to come out of it is that now the two lying cheats (she was married) are together. Hell mend them. I dont have to worry about being lied to and cheated on anymore. Bet they cant say the same.

YouokHun · 01/12/2021 15:24

@girlmom21 I understand what you’re saying and on the face of it privacy is being invaded but I find it difficult to cite a gross invasion of privacy in circumstances where someone is being driven mad, getting no answers and is being gaslit. In that position I know I’d employ something like this just to know for sure whether there was a gross invasion of my relationship. Then I’d be able to make sensible decisions about what to do next and take back a bit of power.

Hoppinggreen · 01/12/2021 15:28

What do you actually want OP?
If he admits it then what? And what exactly do you think would make him admit it even if you had very clear evidence?
It does sound dodgy I agree and he’s obviously lying to you but I think before you dig further you need to seriously consider what you will do if and when you can prove he is having an affair

Original poster

Jamontoast87 · 01/12/2021 15:30

@girlmom21 I've tried asking him. Got absolutely nowhere.
He has a laptop, I use it too as well as the DC. Nothing on there to suggest anything untoward. His phone if anything will give it away. That's where he accesses Facebook etc.

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 01/12/2021 15:32

It looks like either full blown or emotional affair. Maybe emotional affair if he's meeting in coffee shops and not her home or a hotel? Some on here say that ou have proof but you haven't really. You have a feeling about it that sounds like it might be right. What you need is hard evidence that can't be destroyed by him or explained away. If you had hotel receipts or someone had seen them together or you had evidence of texts or phots if him leaving her house. I think you need to quietly watch and wait. If you show your hand too soon he can cover his tracks and make you out to he 'mad'. Don't contact her without strong evidence. If you do ans you only have a hunch she will obviously deny and contact your husband and the two of them will cover tracks and again you would look like the mad one. You are more likely to find evidence, if its true off course, if you seem not to suspect anything 💐

Lussekatt · 01/12/2021 15:35

I'm assuming just asking him is out of the question?

If I bring it up he's very dismissive, won't discuss, acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, say it's all wrong, I'm imagining things etc

imonlyhooman · 01/12/2021 15:40

Just tell him straight he hands over the phone or you will go to the company and confront her. If he's willing to have his reputation ruined by letting you go to the company to confront her when there's nothing going on he would definitely hand over his phone if he's nothing to hide!

CrimbleCrumble1 · 01/12/2021 15:43

+imonlyhooman* he won’t hand over his phone, he’ll get angry and tell the OP she’s imagining things and going mad. Then he’ll tell her he can’t believe she doesn’t trust him and then he may turn it around and accuse the OP of flirting or being up to something with another man.

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 16:02

[quote Jamontoast87]@girlmom21 I've tried asking him. Got absolutely nowhere.
He has a laptop, I use it too as well as the DC. Nothing on there to suggest anything untoward. His phone if anything will give it away. That's where he accesses Facebook etc.[/quote]
Then just ask him to let you look.
If he kicks off, refuses or disappears with his phone you have enough of an answer to make a reasonable judgment call.

Franklyfrost · 01/12/2021 16:04

I find you not knowing his passcode suspicious. I know my partners just because sometimes his phone is nearer or mines nearly out of battery or being used for sat nav.

I’m not convinced that meeting someone in a garden centre once a year ago and a feeling of generalised anxiety is proof of an affair. If it’s a common name it’s not impossible his mum’s friend and his coworker have the same name. He would be short with you both if he’s gas lighting you and if you’re falsely accusing him. So, I’m on the fence about his guilt.

If you want to be sure, hire a pi if you can afford it or get a friend or even a security camera and set him up: give him an opportunity to meet her by taking you and the kids out for as long as possible (over night ideally) and wait and see.

Derbee · 01/12/2021 16:11

I find it suspicious that you don’t have access to his phone, and he wouldn’t be ok with you asking to see if he’s messaged this woman.

I asked my DP for his passcode ages ago (not to check up on him) and asked a couple more times over the weeks/months when I didn’t have my phone on me for whatever reason. I couldn’t remember his passcode. He just suggested I add my face to his FaceID, so I could use it if/when I needed to.

I’m a big one for trusting your gut. I think you KNOW something is going on, so I’d check his phone whenever/however you can.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2021 16:18

@Derbee

I find it suspicious that you don’t have access to his phone, and he wouldn’t be ok with you asking to see if he’s messaged this woman.

I’m a big one for trusting your gut. I think you KNOW something is going on, so I’d check his phone whenever/however you can.

I don’t let my husband access my phone, it’s a work phone though, but even if it wasn’t I still wouldn’t. I am not having an affair. There is nothing dodgey on there, but I don’t think I like the thought of him reading my what’s apps with my mates or daughter, it’s an invasion of privacy

On saying that, I have access to his phones, but purely as he’s pure shit at phones for some reason so sometimes I need to do crap on them for him.

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