When are you having babies then?

[dropitlikeitsloth]

How do you cope with this and questions like this?

I’m actually dreading a family wedding that’s coming up soon because of this question.

No one knows we are trying (and have been trying for a long while now) and not succeeding and its been quite upsetting and I just don’t want to deal with these questions.

Unfortunately a lot of my family can be pretty tactless and I know it’ll be brought up.

The last social gathering I went to was with DP and some of his work colleagues and one of them said, ‘you both having children soon?’ looked at me and then said ‘or are you barren?’ and just laughed and the other men around just laughed along too. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so humiliated. I ended up crying about it that evening as it really upset me.

I want to be able to breezily say, ‘oh not yet’ and just let it pass over me but it’s such a sore point at the moment (I thought I was pregnant recently but wasn’t) I feel I’ll be on the edge of bursting into tears all day if someone brings it up.

I know I probably need to get a grip but I’m just a bit sensitive and things are a bit raw at the moment. I’ve thought about not going I’m so anxious about it. I just wish people wouldn’t ask, it feels pretty insensitive when people don’t know what others are going through.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

That is incredibly rude and insensitive of anyone to ask. Not sure why they think that's acceptable and don't realise it might be a difficult subject or something to laugh about.

Depending on how open you want to be, I'd reply honestly and then allow them to feel embarrassed and rude.

Or something about not wanting to have children if they grow up to be a rude / obnoxious as they are!

@1990butgrey

That is incredibly rude and insensitive of anyone to ask. Not sure why they think that's acceptable and don't realise it might be a difficult subject or something to laugh about.

Depending on how open you want to be, I'd reply honestly and then allow them to feel embarrassed and rude.

Thank you for replying

I thought about being honest but really I don’t want to share our personal business just to call them out. I’m quite private and I know I can’t then expect them to know but I just can’t, it’s be too emotional I think

DH’s mum did this after we got married.

I said we weren’t trying and please don’t ask because it’s uncomfortable. Then smiled.
She stopped asking!

@dropitlikeitsloth that's understandable. Keep it brief, maybe one day, How are yours getting etc

and change the subject.

Sorry you're going through this, people can be so rude!

I’ve never asked anyone this as I think it’s so rude and unnecessary.

My circumstances are different to you but recently I had to have a hysterectomy and even though it’s common knowledge I’ve already had a few people ask me if I’ll have anymore kids. Their question just makes me gutted that I don’t even have the equipment to be able to create one never mind have the choice wether to have one or not.
The question should be banned.

The question should be banned.

I agree! I find women and men equally ask it and just don’t seem to have any awareness of what a hurtful question it can be.

@Iggly

DH’s mum did this after we got married.

I said we weren’t trying and please don’t ask because it’s uncomfortable. Then smiled.
She stopped asking!

I might say the same, thank you

"That's a very personal question!"

Smile, move on, and don't answer. It's such a rude thing to ask.

Just say,

"When it happens" and change the subject.

You aren’t being over sensitive in the slightest.

I used to say 'maybe one day', but eventually it turned into a blunt 'we can't'.

I love the look of horror on their faces when they realise they've put their foot in it.

'why are you so interested in my sex life?'

@DoneAdulting

I used to say 'maybe one day', but eventually it turned into a blunt 'we can't'.

I love the look of horror on their faces when they realise they've put their foot in it.

I know, I really want to do this but I’m not in the right frame of mind just yet, plus I don’t want to give that personal part of me away and them then feel all sorry for me. I just want them not to ask

Thanks @BrutusMcDogface

Some great phrases/comebacks here thank you! I think ‘that’s quite personal’ then changing the subject is probably for the best.

You don't need to get a grip.

It's incredibly insensitive to ask. !

I used to answer ‘why the hell would I want to do that?’

But I always wanted to go with ‘not yet, let’s discuss your contraceptive choices shall we.’

It’s the worst question and people need to stop asking it. I have one DC and have had three miscarriages this year, it’s upsetting the amount of people who casually ask ‘when’s the next one coming?’ ‘Are you having another?’ Or my personal favourite ‘you better get a move on, he won’t want to be an only child!’ Piss off. Depending on who asks I either reply with ‘we’re enjoying DS while he’s little’, ‘we don’t think we want another’ or last week when I reached the end of my tether ‘I had my third miscarriage last week so ask me again in the new year’.
It’s relentless and prying and unnecessary and nobody is asking men this question as much as they are asking women.

I’d go with ‘Thats a very personal question. What does it have to do with you?’ I kept that up with my mother who thought she had the right to ask. Bloody rude.

@babydungarees

It’s the worst question and people need to stop asking it. I have one DC and have had three miscarriages this year, it’s upsetting the amount of people who casually ask ‘when’s the next one coming?’ ‘Are you having another?’ Or my personal favourite ‘you better get a move on, he won’t want to be an only child!’ Piss off. Depending on who asks I either reply with ‘we’re enjoying DS while he’s little’, ‘we don’t think we want another’ or last week when I reached the end of my tether ‘I had my third miscarriage last week so ask me again in the new year’. It’s relentless and prying and unnecessary and nobody is asking men this question as much as they are asking women.

Or my personal favourite ‘you better get a move on, he won’t want to be an only child!’ Piss off.

Ugh this. I have had that but … ‘you’re not getting any younger’ instead 🙄 Like yes thanks I do understand time, I’ll just click my fingers and materialise a baby shall I? 🙃

Also yes no one asks DP, always me, like I just pop them into existence in my own 😒

I like to say “I’m not sure… when do you think you’ll get divorced?” then move on

It’s a horrendously bloody personal question and people should FRO

🤣 @ShirleyPhallus That’s brilliant. I could say ‘when do you think you’ll be less rude?’ but it’s family so I don’t want to fall out. Well 🙃

This is such a horrible and insensitive question, I can't believe people still ask it. Sorry it's happening to you OP.

I think this is a good opportunity to wheel out the Mumsnet classic "did you mean to be so rude?"

However, when I was going through this I generally opted for the more polite "I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind, it's a really personal subject" and that usually made them look embarrassed and stop asking.

Good luck

I thankfully wasn't asked too many times as most people I knew were aware of our recurrent mc, however DH went on a training course and there were loads of old colleagues there who kept asking him and telling him that 'Dave' was on his second already.

DH has got absolutely no qualms about being blunt and so just said that actually we'd had 4 miscarriages, I was just out of surgery for the 3rd time and that he could confirm that it was a bigger problem to us than it was to them that we hadn't had a baby yet. Apparently they all stood open mouthed and just wandered away muttering something about sorry for asking. Hopefully they learnt never to ask anyone else!

I appreciate you don't want to share but sometimes being direct is the only way to shut these people up.